Post by temporarilyinsane on Nov 13, 2012 20:02:08 GMT -5
Brace yourselves. I need a flaming like you wouldn't believe.
I am a successful but lazy 30 yo professional woman with a masters degree, no kids, no marital assets other than savings, great family and friends...everything a person should need to stand up for herself and do what needs to be done.
My husband, whom I've known for 10 years and is my best friend, has fucked up beyond repair. I found out (in feb) that a) he is a legit sex addict that meets up to have sex with random people from the internet, and b) he had an affair with someone he met at a conference and aside from sex he also emailed her constantly and even discussed intimate details of our relationship. She was married too, and she did the same thing. We're on the east coast and she was in Cali, so it was mostly email. I have been tested, will continue to be, etc.
When I found out, I woke him up by punching him across his chest so long and hard that I think I blacked out. We had sex issues before (never enough, but always a few times a week and our longest drought was 2 weeks for regular reasons and 6 weeks for medical reasons), so I convinced myself that maybe I did have a part in the problem since I had been busy with grad school (pt at night, worked full time) and did let things between us slip. I thought it wasn't fair to hold him responsible since he was obviously mentally ill (this was not the only indication: anger, paranoia,easily frustrated, blames others for random events). But refused treatment because he's "been dealing with it since he was a kid" and doesn't want someone to tell him how crazy he actually is. Yeah.
So we've been trying to work it out, but I spy on him and he resents it, we have blow up fights and it's completely unhealthy. On top of that, I was recovering from and injury that had me on crutches for a very long time and had just started to walk again when I found out. I think my brain just couldn't handle all of it at once and went into survival mode.
On top of THAT, my job has been taking advantage of me all year and it sucks. I'm the only one left with the owners and do all the work for the same pay but have stayed because it's the only place a barely functioning person could go unnoticed, and I knew they couldn't afford to fire me. I just found out that a contractor made a huge mistake based on my email and even though I said the decision had not been finalized and did not send the necessary authorization over, they proceeded as if I had. My email was not clear enough, and I know I will be blamed, perhaps rightly so. It is probably going to cost them some $ to fix it.
I am planning to tell them about the mistake tomorrow and resign. Except they really need me and my resignation might be worse than the mistake. I really would like to get out of this job though. The most flameable part of the whole thing is that my husband was just offered a new, great job that will enable me to resign and spend as long as I need to looking for my next job...and I feel like he owes me that because I have not murdered him or told his parents, who would side w me no matter what. I am actually the favorite in HIS family. Lol.
Regardless of my justifications, I know I need a reality check. I feel like whatever happens to me, i just adjust and carry on rather than holding anyone else accountable. Do you think it has anything to do with growing up with an alcoholic (but otherwise wonderful, seriously) mother? I used to post a little on (an unpopular) board on TN before our IT policy changed a few years ago, so I can imagine what's coming...and I thank you. So what do I do now?
I wrote this all on my phone and need to charge it, so please excuse me if u ask questions and I don't answer right away. I hate that when I read posts like this. Ha
First, STOP blaming yourself for the mistakes of other people. Seriously.
Second, stop trying to work on your marriage. It doesn't sound like your husband has admitted he needs professional help for his problems, and there is a very very real chance he is still lying to you.
Finally: get into some individual counseling. You seem to have major self esteem problems.
Your husband is not your best friend...wanna know how I know that?? Because he treated you like shit and had an affair with another woman. My best friend doesn't treat me like that.
My XH got all sorts of defensive when I snooped, after I found out about his affair. Wanna know why? It's because he never stopped communicating with the OW. And anytime I'd ask to talk about it (at home or in counseling) he'd get all depressed and huffy and say "you're never going to get over this, are you???" Good times, I tell ya!
Get into counseling.....check out survivinginfidelity.com.....keep your job and get the hell out.
Post by omgguineapigs on Nov 13, 2012 21:10:44 GMT -5
The only thing that is the least bit flammable about all of this is that you're trying to work it out with your husband. I agree that you have some self-esteem problems, because this isn't a marriage and I don't think you should feel obliged to "try to work it out." It really doesn't sound worth it - HE really doesn't sound worth it, but I think with everything that's going on, you'll be ready to come to that conclusion sometime soon but perhaps not yet. You sound logical enough to eventually make the right choice.
You're poking fun at him for excusing his own paranoia, anger, blaming others (narcissum?), but you're excusing these horrible and marriage-destroying behaviors as well - I think it's just become the norm in his family, and now it is the norm in your marriage. I think you feel as if he "deserves" a chance, but I don't think he does, and even if he did, YOU'RE not obligated to give him that chance.
Your whole situation sounds rough and I don't blame you for being in survival mode. But you need to get yourself an individual counselor/therapist. You need someone to help you sort through all of this and find some clear space in your brain. Don't blame yourself for other people's mistakes. I honestly wouldn't resign because I think it's better to have your own money to up and leave when you're ready.
Post by temporarilyinsane on Nov 13, 2012 21:21:34 GMT -5
I know you are right, but is staying until he has more money and I have a better job pathetic or coldly logical? Not that money is even an issue. Ugh, I have no excuses, only inertia and apathy. I And YES, "you're never going to get over it" has been said many times. And my reply is usually that if he makes up for it, shows the proper amount of remorse, etc, maybe I would. That's sick, right?
Eta: individual counseling is most definitely in order and I'm already trying to find a therapist.
Post by omgguineapigs on Nov 13, 2012 21:27:10 GMT -5
It's not sick, but him "showing the proper amount of remorse" = not blowing up when you spy on him. He should understand that you can't trust him and this is the way it's gotta be for awhile.
By the way, if he truly has a sex addiction and doesn't know he has a problem or isn't receiving help for it, then there is no reason to think this shit will end, either. Working it out only works when he's busting ass to "change" and to EARN back your trust - it doesn't mean "oh one day I'll get over it and it'll be behind us." That's bullshit.
Well, ask yourself: why are you interested in working on things? It sounds like he feels very little remorse, he isn't getting help, and he thinks YOU need to get over it.
How exactly have you been working on it together since February?
Well, ask yourself: why are you interested in working on things? It sounds like he feels very little remorse, he isn't getting help, and he thinks YOU need to get over it.
How exactly have you been working on it together since February?
Mostly with a combination of "ignore it and it'll go away" and "I'm going to make snide comments so you never forget that you ruined my life".
And I feel like it's so obvious that I'm right (about treatment) that eventually I will fix him (insert eye roll) and recoup my losses. Sooo stupid, I know. Why would it even be worth it? I guess because I'm already dealing with it without upending my life.
Post by omgguineapigs on Nov 13, 2012 21:45:54 GMT -5
It kind of sounds like you're hoping he'll still change, but it sounds like you know better than that. Actually, he has a lot of the symptoms for being an abuser, so I wouldn't wait around for the other shoe to drop.
So, are you just waiting for the right time to leave? Or for validation? Because it sounds like you know that this marriage is over, but are waiting for something. Doesn't sound like it's money.
Post by temporarilyinsane on Nov 13, 2012 21:52:30 GMT -5
Yeah, it's mostly about timing at this point I guess, but I do have a minuscule amount of hope that he can get well. I know he won't leave because he feels too guilty already. So it's up to me and I want to make it as easy for myself as possible.
He is not your best friend ...hell he isnt a friend at all.
He was diagnosed as a sex addict by a professional? or was that just a convienent excuse for both of you?
He is legit mentally ill? again how do you know this if he refuses to go seek help?
from your actions to him slipping his dick into anhything that walks its your mental stabilty i queistion.
there is nothing that we are telling you that you already dont know. using your leg as an excuse ...really?
he refuses to get help...he knows you are desperate to make this joke of a marriage work...he knows you keep making excuses for him and cusing him....who the hell has it better than him?
I know he won't leave because he feels too guilty already. .
Really?! Because it doesn't sound like he feels guilty AT ALL. He's not not leaving you out of remorse or some sort of weird loyalty to you. He's not leaving because he knows he has a wifey who will fuck him when he can't find some side action. There is NOTHING noble about him staying.
I haven't read responses, so know that, here goes:
1- You are blaming yourself for a LOT of shit that is not your fault, like: * Your husband's sex habits * Your job's contractor with piss poor communication and authorization.
2- You have to look at what *YOU* get out of being on the short end of these relationships - both your BF and job. You get something, this isn't bad, just reality.
He is not your best friend ...hell he isnt a friend at all.
He was diagnosed as a sex addict by a professional? or was that just a convienent excuse for both of you?
He is legit mentally ill? again how do you know this if he refuses to go seek help?
from your actions to him slipping his dick into anhything that walks its your mental stabilty i queistion.
there is nothing that we are telling you that you already dont know. using your leg as an excuse ...really?
he refuses to get help...he knows you are desperate to make this joke of a marriage work...he knows you keep making excuses for him and cusing him....who the hell has it better than him?
Ha, no, that is my Internet diagnosis based on the manipulative stories he told me.
I question my mental stability as well.
I have a million excuses but that seemed like a good one.
I know, and he deserves to be rotting in a ditch not having an easy go of it. I need to find out what the fuck us wrong with me that not kicking him out and really ruining his life was even an option. Oh, and I need to kick him out and ruin his life.
Post by omgguineapigs on Nov 13, 2012 22:02:26 GMT -5
Making it as easy for yourself as possible = getting this person out of your life for good. It sounds like he's affected you in some very deep, unhealthy ways that you're not seeing. The excuse of mental illness only goes so far - you're not gaining anything by suffering through the crap HE'S CHOSEN to put you through.
And I agree he doesn't sound guilty or remorseful at all. He sounds like he's taking advantage of you.
Post by omgguineapigs on Nov 13, 2012 22:05:52 GMT -5
You're not the one ruining his life - like Livinitup just said, you're blaming yourself for shit he's done. He cheated on his wife, and even his family doesn't sound that crazy about him. If his life is ruined, it's his own actions that did it. He CHOSE to hurt you and to manipulate you for years.
Personally,. I don't think anyone can ruin someone's life anyway. Everything you do is your choice. I've always lived by that and it's fared me well.
Can I also say, my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me??? I got rid of the constant checking/worrying/anxiety. I got rid of sleepless nights wondering what else I didn't know about. I got rid of the guilt trips and depressed asshole who threatened to kill himself when I talked about how I didn't know how I could learn to forgive him. I got rid of the disgusting feelings after I had sex with him wondering if he had done the same thing with her.
I got my life back....I'm healthier, I'm happier and I'm living life for me. I don't even recognize me a year ago because I'm a totally different person now.
It was scary as hell and there were a lot of days I had no clue how I was going to make it until the next minute, but I survived and I thrived and I'm loving my life!!
Wait, so does he even think he's a sex addict? Why are you making excuses for his bad behavior?
And yes, kick him out!!!
Well according to him he has some kind of personality disorder that makes his actions uncontrollable and sometimes he doesn't even remember what happened. I don't buy that it's out of his control. He knows he is sick, he admits it, he is just "too scared" to get help.
Don't buy into the mental illness bullshit. It's him making excuses for his horrendous behavior and I bet you a million dollars that no mental health professional would EVER diagnose him with a mental illness. His mental illness is that he's a lying, cheating piece of shit.
so, just like i thought you came up with his diagnosis to justify his wandering penis! how absolutely perfect for him. no wonder he wont go for therapy...he has you to make excuses for him. and please stop with the....i will ruin his life shit..it is very unbecoming.
he is a grown man who is choosing to stick his dick in anything hole in town. you are a grown woman choosig to be a doormat.
Post by BettyBookWorm on Nov 13, 2012 23:09:37 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.
I think it's time for you to start over all around. Your marriage is over and you need a new job. Start with ditching your husband. See if you can tolerate your current position long enough to get your own place, get settled and job hunt when you get home. Then, once you find a job more suited to your needs you can bail on that old job with the proper notice.
I can't flame you. I think this is a shitty place to be for you. ((Hugs))
I'm just going to address the one thing I got stuck on... You believe he is mentally ill--not just a 'touch' of something, but mentally ill to the point where he isn't responsible for his own decisions? And you're still married to him? That's...that's like marrying a 14 year old and then saying "oh, I have to be responsible for all this stuff, he's to young to take care of it".
Nothing wrong w/ recognizing illness and needing help but either he's an adult capable of making decisions--including being responsible for his choices OR he's mentally disabled due to these mental illnesses and you force him to seek help in spite of himself.