Update: I have a confession

[Chuppathingy]

Update: First, thanks for letting me vent and for the advice. DH works several states away right now, if we could move half way and both commute I would but it isn't an option. His current assignment is over at the end of December (just before x-mas). He has promised to request his next assignment closer to home but he wants me to be prepared to move a better assignment is available elsewhere. That's another part of the issue. I'm not willing to move. I already gave up a little over three years of my career and only just got back to working in my field (as opposed to part time retail type stuff) last summer. He does know that. I'll be traveling to see him for Thanksgiving. I was originally planning to bring all this up at the end of his current assignment but I may do it when I see him in two weeks instead after hearing from all of you. I'll post an update to let you know how it goes. Thanks ladies.

I thought about posting as an AE but it felt too trollish given the nature of this.

I don't think I love DH anymore. I care about him, as a friend, but that's it. DH has been away for most of the last 15 months. He occasionally comes home, about every other weekend over all.

I feel like I've been making it on my own with DD forever now. When DH comes home it just creates more work. Sex with him is still good, but I feel like he's no different than a friend with benefits.

In the mean time I tell him everything is fine. I know that might sound cruel but I'm not planning to leave him. I though about it a long time and I feel like as long as things aren't bad, it would be better for us financially, better for DD and just much more pragmatic in general to stay. I don't think the pros of leaving outweigh the cons at this point.

I'm not looking for advice but if you have it anyway feel free to post. I just felt like I really needed to tell someone.

[Kore]

Hugs! Between the trauma surrounding DD's birth & him being gone almost non-stop, I know it's been a rough few years. Do you want to work on reconnecting? Or do you think it's too far gone? I wouldn't fault you for staying or for leaving; both have benefits & drawbacks. I'm glad you feel comfortable here & willing to talk about it.

[cjeanette]

I would think this could be a side-effect of the separation.

[UnderProtest]

I get where you are coming from. It's usually easier when my husband travels too. I just think its part of the ebb and flow of marriage. Hopefully he will stop traveling some time and you two will be able to reconnect. I'd hate for either of you to stay just for the kid.

[indianagirl]

Lurker here, but I think it's crappy to go along like nothing is wrong when you feel the way you do. IMO, you owe your H the truth so he can decide if he wants to say married to someone who is not in love with him.

[dexteroni]

I don't have any advice but I bet it felt good to get that off your chest. And I don't think you're alone; I bet this happens quite a bit but people just don't talk about it. In your case, I definitely think the distance plays a part in this development. It would be hard to keep the connection with that extended of a separation. How much longer will he be away?

[vtdiamond]

Where is your H going?

Do you think that things will change if/when he isn't away so much?

[limey]

Nov 13, 2012 20:24:52 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

I would think this could be a side-effect of the separation.

Ditto.

Do you feel like your communication is open enough that you could tell him this?

[Chuppathingy]

Its his job that keeps him gone. I'm not sure of its salvageable at this point. Sometimes I find myself desperately wishing we were over.

I agree its lousy for me to not say anything but I don't feel like I have a choice in that right now. He isn't here to talk to. When we talk on the phone, he doesn't talk. He stays silent and waits for me to fill in the gaps. I don't even get a "how was your day" without prompting. I think part of that is that he's always been uncomfortable socially and that began to extend to me after he got out of the military.

I'm just so incredibly depressed at night. I'm fine during the day. I love my job and DD and I have a great time before she goes to need. I try to go out with friends. I get a sitter for some down time about every other week. But the minute I'm alone at night I feel so deprived of human contact and companionship its crushing.

Part of the reason I'm not sure whether things will work in the end is that the feeling doesn't go away when he is home for a weekend anymore. On the other hand, weighing the benefit of leaving against all the upheaval it will cause doesn't seem worth it yet though.

[Chuppathingy]

Wow, that was longer than I thought. It does feel good to get it out though.

[megalicious]

It sounds like you still have the foundations of a good relationship. Is it possible that it's just a rough time in an otherwise happy marriage? Is there a foreseeable end to his traveling? Maybe, if/when he's home more consistently, you won't have those same feelings. I think you're right that the leaving doesn't outweigh the staying, at least not yet.

[cjeanette]

I know it is hard but I think you need to try to talk to him. You deserve to be happy. You can't get thereby keeping your feelings inside.

Sent from my SPH-D700 using proboards

[dexteroni]

Based on your update, I think you need to come clean to your DH. Long distance is obviously not working for you. If he's terrible on the phone and that's all you get 10 days out of 12, no wonder your relationship is suffering. Chances are he's sensing a difference in you, which is making your phone conversations even more stunted than they would normally be.

If you want to try to salvage things, I think you need to move to where he works or he needs to find a non-traveling job, fast. And if you don't want to try to make it work, then you can at least be done with the loneliness sooner rather than later.

[newhomeowner]

Yes, it sounds like all that's wrong with your relationship is the distance. Is there any way to work around it? Move closer to work? Or is his work all travel? If so, I'd recommend he keep his eye out for something that does not involve so much travel - it just is not conducive to your relationship.

Many hugs....

[IrishBelle]

Is there an end in sight as to when he'll be home again? It is possible that when he returns that things may improve for you and if there's a chance he'd be home soon, I'd wait it out. It may be that you just need time to reconnect as a couple. Either way, you need to do what is best for you. Its not fair to yourself to stay just because its easier for now.

[belovedbride07]

I blew up at DH this morning about how he complicates everything when he's home, so I totally get where you're coming from. :-( Honestly, he travels so much lately that I get so used to being "just me" with no one else around that it takes at least a couple of days for me to really feel "in love" after he gets home. And then add to that the guilt of not feeling over-the-moon when he walks in the door like I feel like I should, and I just feel really crappy all around. :-(

I feel lucky that I can talk to DH openly about this, and he is looking for a job that will allow him to be home more. We've realized that long distance just doesn't work for us.

I think you two have got to talk about this. I is the only way we've been able to survive the last year, and he's only gone 40% of the time...I can only imagine how what you're dealing with compounds it.

[raylongivens]

I went through something very similar earlier this year. DH was gone all the time - mostly for work, but then the second he had some downtime, he planned guys weekends. I was depressed. I was resentful. I tried to talk to him. He got defensive. We fought every time he came home, and it made him want to stay away.

I actually got to the point where I was apartment hunting for DD and I. I thought it would be better for us if we left. I told DH what I was planning, and even then it didn't sink in. It took a few weeks. At that point, DH knew he wanted to save our marriage. At the time, I wasn't sure.

Talk to him and tell him how you're feeling. I would do whatever necessary to figure out if you want to save the marriage - even getting him to take time off or even quit his job if you think you can take the hit financially. Like others said, your feelings could be a result of his travel. You need to figure that out.

Good luck. This is hard. I'm thinking of you.

[thegooser]

All I have to say is that my DH and I are TERRIBLE at long distance. We are only a 4 hour drive apart and it has been hell on our marriage.

I think you owe it to yourself, your DH, and your DD to do whatever it takes to end the distance and throw yourself back into your marriage before things get beyond repair. You can clearly live without him, so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[birdmom]

I have no advice, but I know how you feel and it sucks. Hugs to you.

[Doggy Mommy]

I also think you need to tell him how you're feeling. I know some people have to travel a lot for work, but obviously it isn't working for your relationship. My husband traveled every week for a few months once, and we both hated it. We were so miserable. I think you need to decide whether you want to really give your marriage a shot *together* (meaning he needs to find a new job or you need to find a new job and move to where he is working) or maybe it's time to move on. Staying together to save money or because it's convenient isn't going to make anyone happy.

[froggy76]

His current job situation sounds horrible and obviously isn't working for your family. How can you maintain intimacy with someone you rarely see? And of course you've gotten used to managing without him, but you are still lonely.

You were in love before. Try to remember why. And I think you need to have a serious discussion about how much he's away for work. Is he willing to lose his family for this job? Are there any other jobs he could take?

I really think you need to try to rebuild your relationship before you give up.

[kimibrighteyes]

My DH is not very good on the phone either. When he was gone for 2 weeks, I felt very disconnected from him. I can't imagine how it would be as an ongoing issue. Your marriage probably would be salvageable if you got counseling and could eliminate the long distance part. I guess it is up to you if you want it to be.

[Deleted]

Hugs. My husband is terrible on the phone while he's away too. I think you should open up to him and hopefully make some changes.

[hereonceagain]

Is he working so much because he has to or because he wants to. Quitting his job could save your family and would be well worth it in your case. I'd rather sell a home and live at poverty level than have my family be broken.

Hugs. I'd talk to him in a very non confrontational way.

[pitterwoo]

H and I would be in trouble with that kind of long distance phone only stuff too. Starting immediately can you at least Skype so you can have a more "in person" conversation? If a job change was needed to save our relationship I would like to think we would do what it takes to be together.

[sarahlindsay]

Hugs, chuppa - the part that made me pause the most was describing the lack of companionship and how it felt crushing I hope you can take some steps to feel better about the situation soon.