Non-clicky poll:Death Anniversary, how do you cope

[orangeblossom]

My mother passed away three years ago this eek. In general, I am okay with her passing. I have some sad moments every now and then that come out of the blue, but in general do pretty good and think about all of the happy times.

That said, even when I tell myself I'm not going to be sad around the time of her death, I feel like it's a magnet and I just get pulled into it. I know it's nothing wrong feeling this way, but darn when does it get better. I think it doesn't help matters that she died the day after my parent's anniversary and the day before her sister's birthday, so that can make it a little tough.

I know even as the years pass, I still might feel sad around that day and not even realize it. I was talking to my aunt one day and she was saying she was in a funky mood and couldn't figure out why, until she looked at the calendar and saw it was around the time my grandfather died.

If you've lost a loved one do you consciously dread the anniversary of their death if just kind of realize after the fact that's why you were sad.

[MixedBerryJam]

Some moments are worse than others, and I have learned to take one step at a time, which I know sounds trite but it works. I don't know if your depression/funk/sadness is paralyzing as you get near to the anniversary date (or any of the other dates that mark special events, like birthdays, anniversaries, etc) but the best I can do is acknowledge it out loud and take another step. Be prepared to reach out to your aunt or at least someone else in your support system. Platitude number two: There's strength in numbers. Related to this is that people love to share their memories of the deceased, and really my only beliefs about a "hereafter" is that as long as people talk about my husband he's still here. Not in a creeper kind of way, but for example, when we have his favorite meal, I mention it. When a new movie comes out or a restaurant opens that he'd have liked, I try to get there with a friend of his to share the experience.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Deleted]

({) orangeblossom (}) My dad's birthday is this weekend. I don't have any advice though. It sucks.

[lindyanne]

One of my friends takes the day to celebrate her dad's life the day he passed. It's also a good way to teach her kids about her dad since they were young when he passed. They do something he would have liked to have done with the kids. I think it's kind of bittersweet for her but trying to remember his life in a fond way helps her through the painful day.

[orangeblossom]

Thanks for the hugs and words of wisdom everybody. I do try to just go with it and not fight it and realize that I have far more good days than bad days, and it would be unnatural not to have sad/bad days sometimes.

My sisters and I all said we were going to get/eat a special treat today in honor of my mother. I'm not sure what I'm going to get yet, but I am having fun thinking of what yummy treat I'm going to get myself later.

[emilyinchile]

Monday was 11 years since my mom died. Personally, I feel like the anniversary that I emotionally prepare myself for is often less sad than random moments that take me by surprise and make me think of her.

That said, I am always just kind of blah on that day. No motivation, indifferent to most things, meh. I don't dread it, but I am aware of it and try not to really challenge myself on that day. It's a day to get through, possibly with ice cream, and then the next day I'm fine.

[orangeblossom]

Nov 14, 2012 8:12:23 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

Monday was 11 years since my mom died. Personally, I feel like the anniversary that I emotionally prepare myself for is often less sad than random moments that take me by surprise and make me think of her.

That said, I am always just kind of blah on that day. No motivation, indifferent to most things, meh. I don't dread it, but I am aware of it and try not to really challenge myself on that day. It's a day to get through, possibly with ice cream, and then the next day I'm fine.

This is where I am today. Kind of blah, and if I hadn't been out for over a week, I probably would have taken the day off. Ice cream and possibly some other not-so-good for me goodies will definitely be had today.

[emilyinchile]

Yes, ice cream and only whatever is super urgent at work/in life. You can catch up tomorrow, you don't have to push yourself today. Sending you a hug.

[Mashara]

We're taking my MIL out for dinner. It's her husband's second death anniversary, AND he died on his birthday =( This year we're trying to treat is more as a happy birthday remembrance.

[iamali]

I have no advice. I wish I did. The anniversary of my sisters death is coming up next month and thinking about it paralyzes me. I don't know how I am going to cope.

[Deleted]

Nov 14, 2012 10:16:49 GMT -5 iamali said:

I have no advice. I wish I did. The anniversary of my sisters death is coming up next month and thinking about it paralyzes me. I don't know how I am going to cope.

I was thinking about you the other day. I haven't seen you around lately! How are things going otherwise? So sorry that you're dealing with such grief. ({) ali (})

[iamali]

Nov 14, 2012 10:21:19 GMT -5 @redbellpeppers said:

Nov 14, 2012 10:16:49 GMT -5 iamali said:

I have no advice. I wish I did. The anniversary of my sisters death is coming up next month and thinking about it paralyzes me. I don't know how I am going to cope.

I was thinking about you the other day. I haven't seen you around lately! How are things going otherwise? So sorry that you're dealing with such grief. ali

It's..... complicated.

I've been really busy with school so I've been keeping a lower profile. I also think my H is reading my posts on here so I've been keeping them to a minimum.

Thank you for thinking of me though.

[kmmssg]

I am very sorry for everyone's losses. They are so hard and your heart never "gets over it."

I'm 52, lost my mom when I was 10, my dad when I was 3 1/2, lost my guardians who were like parents to me when I was 31 and 48. I lost 2 of my 3 brothers in 2006. One of my brother's - I just can't get past it/over it.

I will share this: I went to counseling and worked on my grief issues (prior to my brothers' deaths). I know this sounds crazy, but I have made a conscious decision to ignore their death anniversaries. I've been at this a few years now and I actually am quite successful at it.

It is one of those things you have to learn. We all know that when you tell yourself not to think about something, well, that is ALL you think about! I just did my best to ignore it and learn to stop watching the calendar.

I made a conscious decision to just honor their memories, the things we did together by sharing them with my kids and grandkids. I see pictures once in awhile, remember a special event, etc but I worked very hard in therapy to put those in a happier, proper perspective that left me with a smile instead of curled up on my bed.

I didn't learn this by myself. Like I said, it was therapy and a hard decision.

I will say this - I was not prepared for how it feels to lose a sibling. iamali - I am so very very sorry for the loss of your sister. You expect to lose your g'parents, and one day your parents, but you don't think about your siblings. It has been 6+ years since I lost my brothers and it still feels like the wind got kicked out of me. I was not at all prepared for how this loss feels.

I hope you all find that place where you can deal with these losses, and iamali - again, I am so very sorry about your sister.

[orangeblossom]

I my family and I have a pretty healthy perspective about death in general, so that helps. We have always made a conscious decision to remember the happy times, invoke their names when appropriate, keep pictures out and just talk about them. It's nothing for my sister's and I to be shopping and see something and say "mom would have liked that dress, necklace, etc". That helps a lot.

I'm definitely not paralyzed by her death in general, but have moments. My mother suffered so in the end that while sad and devastated she was gone, I/we were relieved she wasn't in pain

I'm sorry for everyone in this posts who has experienced a loss. Also, thank you for sharing your stories.

[kellbell191]

Absolutely, yes. I get really sad the entire month of September, which is when my Mom died. Even when intellectually I don't think its because of her death, I recognize that it is. Setting aside time to look at photos, wear her jewelry, make her recipes, and listen to her music all makes me feel somewhat better. I've had more luck embracing the sadness than trying to ignore it.

[savannah11]

It's been almost 8 years since my mom passed but I still feel it coming every year. It's like an added weight I carry around for a month or so. I don't know how else to explain it. Some years I've been distracted and not noticed the exact date but I still felt it all around. I'm not sure it will ever go away.

[aliceinfairyland]

My grandfather passed away the day before Valentines Day. It's still hard.

But, we celebrate him all through the year. We light a candle at Christmas in his memory. We talk about him all the time. We don't try to minimize our grief, but we try to remember his life, rather than his death.

We used to all get together on the anniversary of his death. I've moved away, but I think my family still has dinner together that night. I send flowers to my grandma, anonymously on that day. In 8 years, I've only had to tell one person my secret, when she was out of town and I didn't know how to get them to her. The excitement of the secret helps to over shadow the sadness of the day, and gives her something to look forward to on that day as well.

[CloudBee]

Honestly, I try to avoid dwelling on the specific date, attempt to even forget the date/keep it from memory (it's written down), and find other times to celebrate their life or focus my thoughts on them. It's the only way I am easily able to cope. I don't do well when I remember a "dark" day. I don't need my life scattered with those dates engrained. I would rather it be like any other day, and release my intense memories, thoughts, etc., on a different day, whenever it feels natural. I celebrate them at other times.

I'm not typically one to skim past a bad experience, but I just can't focus on the date itself. It just intensifies the sadness for me in what feels like an unhealthy way.

hugs

[starlily]

My dad's first anniversary was this past weekend. I consciously dreaded it. I don't know if or when I wouldn't.

While I did feel sad (yet somewhat numb) that day, I've found that the unexpected moments of grief were much more difficult.

[mellie35]

I lost my brother 17 years ago. Every year on his birthday and on the anniversary of his death, I try and do things to celebrate him. I will go to a restaurant he liked or go somewhere that reminds me of him and I really try and make it a happy day. It really helps me get through the day.

[lys]

Give yourself permission to be sad, but limit the time spent doing so.
Count the blessings in your life because of your mother
Do something nice for someone (especially someone elderly)

[puppiesandrainbows]

I'm so sorry for your loss. This past October was the 1 yr anniversary of my mom's death. I was 30, she was 50.

It's been a very hard year, but I'm just now starting to feel a little more hopeful that it will be ok. I can talk about her and laugh, make fun of the things she did that drove us all crazy.

But it's still not real, you know? Just this morning I was thinking about Thanksgiving (I'm hosting my dad and brother, typically we'd be at my parents house), and thought to myself "My mom is dead. I don't have a mom anymore." And welled up in the car. I've learned to allow myself those moments, because trying to suppress them doesn't work. I became very sick around the date and it was all due to my stress.

Hugs