So am I being selfish? Regarding DD clothes

[mrssandro]

My cousin whom lives several states away is 20 weeks pg. A few days ago she learned that she is having a daughter. Of course she is thrilled and so excited. However, she pretty much assumed that I would be giving her all my newborn clothes. She sorta invited herself to my stash and said she is a big believer of family tradition. I never offered her my baby clothes. She doesn't know I am pg but she knows we are trying. I have no plans to tell any of my cousins until I have made it past the 1st tri. I told her that during my Christmas break I will try to go through and see if I can gather some to send to her. But really I don't want to share. What if I have a another girl? Seems silly for me to send all my stuff and then buy all new clothes.

Okay..tell me I am being selfish. Keep it real ladies.

[Deleted]

No way. I'm not getting rid of any clothes until we're done with babies, and if I have a girl next time I want to find someone in the opposite situation (has a girl, having a boy) to trade with.

[rickandtricia]

I don't think you are being selfish, I think you are being realistic. I wouldn't want to give up my baby clothes to someone else (esp. with already being pg again) because then you'd just have to spend $$ to replace them if you have another girl. If I found out I was having a boy, then I would give her some.

[w2w]

Not selfish. I only kept the super cute things and gave the others away, but if you want to hold on to them, totally your decision. Very presumptuous of her to assume she would get yours.

[ijack]

If you didn't want to get rid of stuff why did you tell her you would go through your stash?

[HoneySpider]

Not selfish at all. It's out of line for her to assume you're just going to give your stuff to her.

[h]

No, not selfish. My SIL had a baby boy, and I felt kind of bad not giving her my boy clothes, but I knew we weren't done. Sure enough, I found out I was pregnant with DS1 two weeks after my nephew was born, so SIL and I have sons 9 months apart. Had I given her DS1's clothes, I wouldn't have had them back in time for DS2 to wear.

But I would be (semi) honest with your cousin and tell her that you are hoping for another baby soon and want to wait a few more months to see how that goes before unloading your girl stuff.

[mrssandro]

I should add this is the first cousin to have a girl. All my other cousins have boys. So supposedly girls are rare around these parts.

I should also add it's not like I can't afford to give up the clothes. She lives in a state that has one of the highest unemployment rate. She just lost her job because she was pg and couldn't continue her duties. So she is collecting unemployment.

[justjen]

Team You

[mrssandro]

Nov 14, 2012 10:01:48 GMT -5 ijack said:

If you didn't want to get rid of stuff why did you tell her you would go through your stash?

Because I didn't want to come off as a total byotch on her big day where she learned she is having a girl. I guess I am kicking myself for not being honest. I am surprised she didn't even consider the fact I may be pg. She has access to my chart. She knew I was trying.

[ECB]

She's rude. These are YOUR clothes to do w/ as YOU want. "family tradition" WTF? It's tradition to call someone up and tell them "I'm having a kid - you have to give me all your stuff"?

Just tell her "I went through my things, but there really isn't anything I'm ready to part with yet. ".

I would hope that would put an end to it. If she pushes, though, you can either continue to be polite and just throw her a "I'm keeping our baby stuff becasue we plan to have more kids".

OR you can be a bit rude and say "look, these are my things. I'll pass them on when I'm ready.".

[Deleted]

Of course you are not being selfish-- she is! It is your stuff. Just say you aren't done having kids and you don't want to give anything away until you are. If she gets mad that is her problem, not yours.

[Deleted]

"Oh gosh, sorry! Since we are planning to have another I'm keeping all our baby clothes until we don't need them anymore."

[cjeanette]

You should have probably shut this down when she first said something but I know it is hard when put on the spot. I would look through them and make sure you still like them all.

[mrssandro]

Nov 14, 2012 10:11:26 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

"Oh gosh, sorry! Since we are planning to have another I'm keeping all our baby clothes until we don't need them anymore."

I am thinking I will be telling her this once we announce. Surely she will understand. I just didn't want to come off as a jackass when she assumed I would be giving her my baby clothes.

The conversation when like this:

Cousin: Do you still have any of DD's newborn stuff? Lol. Totally a family tradition but I love it.

Me:Sure do. I have all of it.

Cousin: If you want it back, I could send it back to you. It's completely up to whatever you want to do.

Me:Let me go through it. I mean it's a lot of stuff. What month is your bean being born?

Her:March 30 is my due date. It could be late March or early April.

I guess I should have just spoke up. Not sure what is wrong with me.

[londoncalling]

Nope. Not rude. You aren't done with them. She's rude for pressing the issue like she's entitled to your things.

[lishie]

I kept all my clothes from DS1 for my second pregnancy, just in case. I ended up having another boy and used them again.

Some died after the second go-round and others lived to see another day. I kept the ones that are still ok for my sister if and when she has a child. If she has a girl, i'll give them to someone else, but til then they're still in my basement

I think it's nervy of her to expect your old clothes. I'd go through and see if there are a few things you want to give away, but I'd keep the clothes you would definitely want to use if you had another girl.

[ECB]

She has balls. To her, it's a given. You WILL give her your stuff.

Be careful - her comment of "I could send it back" tells me that telling her "no" isn't going to go well. She's going to push back. "Oh- I'll give it back!".

Whatever you tell her, be ready for her to push back w/ the above! Have somehting ready to say.

[Deleted]

Well you should have been more upfront but she didn't really ask, she just assumed, which was rude on her part. I would just come back with "you know, on second thought, I'm planning on hanging on to them for now." The issue now though is that she clearly expects them and you didn't tell her that was a wrong expectation, but this is definitely more on her than on you. and I agree with little moxie that being pushed into a corner like that isnt a good reason to give up your stuff.

[CloudBee]

I like to think of myself as a fairly giving person, but I would be really annoyed at her request. If she had phrased it as "if there's anything you have hanging around the house that you don't, I'll take it", I would feel differently.

I wouldn't have told her that you would give her anything based on that conversation. I would have said something along the lines of "we were holding onto our newborn clothes in the event that we have another".

I work hard to take good care of my things, and set aside certain items for future use. Just because they aren't in use doesn't mean they don't have a purpose for me.

Sorry you were put in an uncomfortable situation. Based on what you already told her, I would pull out a select few items that you aren't crazy about, and include a note when you mail them (or tell her in person if you drop them off) that you're holding onto everything else as you may have a need for it down the road.

[kittycatlove]

Team you. Why would you give away clothes when you are not done having kids yourself? Doesn't make sense.

[Deleted]

No I don't think that's selfish at all. You're not done having children yet! Why would anyone expect you to start giving your baby stuff away?

[hocus]

I kept everything from my first (a girl) until I found out I was having a boy. It is YOUR stuff. You have every right to keep it. Even if you were done having kid then you have every right to sell your stuff vs. giving it away.

[Ashley&Scott]

WTF, she's pushy. Just tell her you aren't ready to part with your stuff.

If there are a few things you didn't like the first time around give her that. Don't feel pressured to give/lend things you want to reuse yourself. It's YOUR stuff.

[Deleted]

I'm on your side on this one, but I think you should let her know sooner rather than later that they may not be up for grabs so she can make other plans if needed. Even something along the lines of "I can't commit to giving them to you yet since we are TTC and I may need to use them myself. I'm happy to lend them to you if it turns out we won't be needing them, but if you want to try to find other sources for hand-me-downs in the meantime my feelings won't be hurt!" would put her off for a bit without you needing to reveal that you are pregnant. Then when you do go public with your pregnancy, you can explain to her that you will be happy to lend her the clothes if you find out you're having a boy, but you will need to keep them if it's a girl.

It's your stuff. She's being pushy, but you should not lead her on.

[Deleted]

Team you. Even if you find out you're having a boy, I don't think you are obligated to give her your stuff.

When she says it's a family tradition, is there anything to back that up? I'm wondering if she is in a tough spot and is worried about how they are going to afford everything. Even so, I don't think you have to give her anything, I'm just trying to see her side.

[MadamePresident]

If she goes to garage sales she can get clothes pretty inexpensively. I would keep what you want and don't feel guilty.

[mrssandro]

I have no idea what she is referring to when she said it's a family tradition. Perhaps she gave baby clothes to her sister but there has never been an exchange of baby clothes between family members that I am aware of. That said, I do think they are in a financial bind since she got laid off from her job. However, she was planning to be a SAHM anyways so I am not sure exactly her budget or what they can afford.

[CloudBee]

Nov 14, 2012 11:12:53 GMT -5 mrssandro said:

I have no idea what she is referring to when she said it's a family tradition. Perhaps she gave baby clothes to her sister but there has never been an exchange of baby clothes between family members that I am aware of. That said, I do think they are in a financial bind since she got laid off from her job. However, she was planning to be a SAHM anyways so I am not sure exactly her budget or what they can afford.

Don't feel guilty. It sounds like she was TTC, so it's her responbitility to cloth her children. She's also choosing to be a SAHM which may be impacting her level of disposable income. If true, that's her choice, not your burden.

Again, I love to give and help out others, but one should never feel forced to give away items they want/need for themselves. Especially when the other party is presumably able to provide for themselves.

Our baby has yet to be born, but I imagine that some items that have been worn by your child must be really special and hold a level of sentimental value.

Comments brought to you by - the sister who is always the provider. It gets frustrating when there's an expectation.

[Deleted]

Another team you post. We are not even TTC now but I am keeping all my sons clothes until we are done having kids.