Family drama WWYD

[Deleted]

This is a long and complicated story, I apologize for the length but I'm not sure it makes sense without the backstory.

Sept 2010, our best couple friends broke up. I was super close with the girl, DH was super close with the guy, we hung out as couples almost weekly, went to Mexico together, hosted parties together, etc.

Girl broke up with guy, but then tried to kill herself twice in the months afterward. I saved her life both times and became way too emotionally invested in her family and the whole ordeal. Coupled with some issues DH and I were having in our marriage, this was the worst few months of my life.

DH stayed friends with the guy (her ex) and they are still very close friends.

Jan 2011, girl started dating BIL. BIL lived in another state at the time with his three kids, but moved to our state a few months later to be with girl. At first DH was excited to have his brother around, but as time went on BIL made it clear that he would drop plans or anything with DH if girl was available to hang out. There were some minor tensions and issues with both of them that year, nothing worth writing out.

In fall of 2011, girl once again landed in the hospital after a fight with BIL with an "accidental" overdose. At that point, I decided I couldn't be close with her anymore if she wasn't going to do anything to get better and I was tired of her selfishness, AWing, and general lack of regard for anyone else and their concerns over her. I knew I had to remain friendly for BIL's sake, but stopped any effort to make plans or maintain the same level of friendship.

A month or so later, there was a big argument between DH and BIL at a wedding, where girl's ex (DH's closest friend) was also present. Bad idea all around. DH decided he was done with BIL (dramatics).

Later that week BIL unfriended me on facebook (I broke up the argument but otherwise had no involvement in it). I reached out to girl (my friend) via email to see if everything was ok and got a super bitchy snarky response. At that point girl and I pretty much had it out - I just told her the truth of what I'd been thinking. Y'all know me, I'm not mean and I don't think I said anything that wasn't absolutely true.

We haven't spoken since, except a single text message exchange on my birthday where she reached out and said happy birthday to me. She and BIL both moved OOT last spring sometime and we don't associate. We don't see DH's family much other than on the 4th of July, which BIL has never made an effort to come to (everyone is out of state, and BIL is a nurse so usually works). At this rate we could likely go years without having to run into each other.

So - BIL is apparently proposing soon. He has a ring and is going to ask her parents for permission next week.

Now I'm torn. I feel like this all has to end at some point and if BIL is not breaking up with her and is marrying her, we're going to have to move forward. DH has a small family who gets along otherwise, so I can't imagine never seeing BIL again. There is a part of me that misses my friend, too, although I also feel like too much damage is done and history has happened where I won't ever be able to look at her the same way.

Should I be a bigger person and reach out to her? And if I do, should it be a "congratulations" or a "let's put this behind us since we're going to be family"?

I think I'm going to let DH handle the BIL aspect but she was MY friend and now she'll be my family technically. I think if she and I could make up, it would go a long way toward mending the relationship between DH and BIL. On the other hand, I'm not sure if adding them back into our lives is going to be a good thing or not. I value family, but if these were strictly friends I would have already written them off.

WWYD? Sorry this is so long and probably confusing.

[limey]

>>On the other hand, I'm not sure if adding them back into our lives is going to be a good thing or not.


It's not. You know it is not a good thing.

Be civil, of course, when you say congratulations. But no need to put yourself out there for any more hurt. And follow your H's lead on how much involvement he wants in his brother's life.

[takeonyou]

I would text or email a congrats after he proposes. I would see her response and go from there. It sounds stressful, I'm sorry things went down that way.

[cjeanette]

You probably should not have reached out to her when he unfriended you.

I would not reach out now. I understand that you mourn a friendship and fear the loss of your BIL but they are drama llamas and I think you will better off to not have them in your lifes for now.

[Deleted]

Getting engaged doesn't mean they've changed or that things have become functional. I agree with be polite when you see them, say congrats but don't try to become friends again. It probably won't end any differently the second time.

[dexteroni]

I wouldn't do anything differently just because they may be getting married. If they get engaged, you can say congratulations, and if they get married, you can attend or send a card or a gift or whatever you want to do. But attempting to revive these two relationships that failed for very good reasons, when nothing has happened to give any indication that things might be different, sounds like an exercise in futility and frustration.

[Deleted]

Also keep in mind that perfectly normal people sometimes go crazy and do stupid things while wedding planning. You probably don't want to be too close to that.

[Deleted]

I guess the only thing that has changed was the hope that at some point BIL and my ex-friend would break up. They fell fast and hard in love and weren't the most stable couple, and my "game plan" if you could call it that was to mend things with BIL after they broke up. Since that is not happening, I guess I am just wondering if we need a new game plan.

From the first few response, I'm guessing the answer is "no"

[aurora]

I agree with everyone else that you should certainly congratulate them when they get engaged and attend the wedding (if you are invited and you can), but I would wait a long time before trying to really re-start the close friendship you shared. I am sorry; I know it's a really tough situation to be in.

[cjeanette]

Nov 14, 2012 14:59:13 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

I guess the only thing that has changed was the hope that at some point BIL and my ex-friend would break up. They fell fast and hard in love and weren't the most stable couple, and my "game plan" if you could call it that was to mend things with BIL after they broke up. Since that is not happening, I guess I am just wondering if we need a new game plan.

From the first few response, I'm guessing the answer is "no"

If BIL is getting into fights at weddings and defriending you on FB he is his only little ball of drama as well.

[Deleted]

Nov 14, 2012 15:09:31 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Nov 14, 2012 14:59:13 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

I guess the only thing that has changed was the hope that at some point BIL and my ex-friend would break up. They fell fast and hard in love and weren't the most stable couple, and my "game plan" if you could call it that was to mend things with BIL after they broke up. Since that is not happening, I guess I am just wondering if we need a new game plan.

From the first few response, I'm guessing the answer is "no"

If BIL is getting into fights at weddings and defriending you on FB he is his only little ball of drama as well.

You're definitely right. Prior to dating this girl, I always thought BIL was super mature and kind and reasonable. We always got along great and I loved that he was the one person who understood how frustrating my DH can be and also loved him anyway (like me).

Between moving and leaving his kids in another state to be with someone he'd been dating for a very short time, and then completely dumping me when I thought we had a good relationship and I did nothing to him - I definitely see him differently now.

[margarita]

I'd probably send them a congrats when they get engaged (text, email, whatever) but I don't think you really need a new game plan. Nothing has actually changed, so you'd likely be setting yourselves up for more hurt.

[dexteroni]

Nov 14, 2012 14:59:13 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

I guess the only thing that has changed was the hope that at some point BIL and my ex-friend would break up. They fell fast and hard in love and weren't the most stable couple, and my "game plan" if you could call it that was to mend things with BIL after they broke up. Since that is not happening, I guess I am just wondering if we need a new game plan.

From the first few response, I'm guessing the answer is "no"

Was that ever a realistic plan though? If your BIL blew off your DH for this girl, he would probably do it with the next girlfriend. Each of them sound like assholes, and being together or separate isn't going to change that.

[ECB]

Your history w/ your friend really doesn't play into this. Your BIL is engaged- congratulate them. Be civil and polite when you see them. I see NO reason why anything more than this has to be done.

[hellzkitten]

I wouldn't reach out & congratulate either one of them. If you happen to see them - be civil, but that's as far as I'd go.

[noodleoo]

Your H's relationship with his brother trumps your relationship with an ex-friend. I'd stay out of it and let your DH choose how he wants to proceed. I would not reach out and congratulate them unless your DH wants to. But honestly, I'd just stay out of it. Be civil if and when you see them, but otherwise, let it be.

[ECB]

I'm going to add - even ifyou want to try and take it a step past just saying congratulations, i would NOT get into "let's put the past behind us since we'll be family". I think it can 1- open up doors that should stay shut, and 2- sets up unrealistic expectations.

Yes, you're going to be family, but you will still both be who you are. Being "family" isn't going to be a magical elixir that cures all. Especially as it's not JUST you and your friend. It's your BIL too, and your DH.

I think putting this "now that we're FAMILY" concept out there will make the fall even harder if things stay the same or go south again.

[vanillacourage]

I would send them a friendly congrats text when they get engaged, let your DH handle his relationship with his BIL, and as for the relationship between you & your ex-friend I'd keep it cordial while I wait and see if being married makes them chill the fuck out.

[morningmania]

I would send a congratulations. I would not push or work towards anything more at this point. If it happens naturally over time, great, but you should not have a plan or any expectations.

[casmgn]

Who started the fight at the wedding and what was it about?

[Deleted]

Nov 14, 2012 15:57:14 GMT -5 ECB said:

Yes, you're going to be family, but you will still both be who you are. Being "family" isn't going to be a magical elixir that cures all. Especially as it's not JUST you and your friend. It's your BIL too, and your DH.

I think putting this "now that we're FAMILY" concept out there will make the fall even harder if things stay the same or go south again.

Just wanted to agree with this. My family is not crazy. I don't think my SIL is crazy. However, she apparently had this expectation that once my brother and her got married that she would have two sisters and we would do sister things and have this fantastic sister relationship that matched something she had in her head. Maybe she saw a movie.

The people my sister and I are isn't even close to what I think she expected. We're close, but we're not overly involved in eachother's lives, we can go days, sometimes weeks without talking just because we're busy and we don't regularly get together to shop or go to movies or go to dinner and do whatever else she thought sisters should do.

So when we didn't meet her expectations (that we didn't realize she had until later) the relationship became strained. And I don't think it will ever recover past civil when we happen to be at family gatherings.

Becomming family really doesn't mean anything. I mean, your DH and BIL ARE family and related by blood and they aren't speaking/cut eachother out.

[Deleted]

BIL started the wedding fight with the ex boyfriend (DH's close friend). DH was standing right there and defended his friend. It was one of those things where I don't think either BIL or DH was actually wrong - I think DH should have stayed out of it but I understand it would have been hard not to defend your friend. I also think that the situation was the culmination of months of tension and resentment building. I don't think it would have been the end of their relationship had there not been a lot of negativity prior to the incident.

Regarding the "we're family now!" comment - I don't mean to call her up and ask her to be my bff again and act like sisters. I more or less just mean, we're going to be at the same weddings/holidays/funerals. We have the same in-laws and eventually we'll need to do things like celebrate milestone anniversaries, help them when they're old, bury them someday. Being family doesn't mean we have to have a close relationship, but in my opinion being family should mean you suck it up to an extent because refusal to talk to each other affects the entire family and being together at some point is unavoidable.

I am not particularly close to one of my sisters, but I can't imagine going through life without ever seeing her. I think DH and BIL are both being stubborn at this point and regardless of who is a drama queen, they are brothers and should be a part of each others' life, even tangentially. Admittedly my ex friend is a bit of a mental case but neither of them have done the horrible things that I've heard stories about on here, from people who have cut others out of their lives. I have lost a lot of respect for BIL in the last 2 years, but I still think he's a genuinely good guy.

Sorry, I guess that turned into more of a journal moment, lol.

[Deleted]

Didn't you post about this when it was all going down? For some reason, I remember the girlfriend as super dramatic and volatile. Is there any indication that she has changed? If not I would be cordial, send a card and call it. Their relationship might be still nuts.

[Deleted]

Nov 14, 2012 22:42:40 GMT -5 @spenjamins said:

Didn't you post about this when it was all going down? For some reason, I remember the girlfriend as super dramatic and volatile. Is there any indication that she has changed? If not I would be cordial, send a card and call it. Their relationship might be still nuts.

Yep. I posted most of these details over the last couple of years.

She was volatile for sure during the year between her breakup/suicide attempts and the time we stopped talking. Prior to that, she was a bit dramatic but nothing too bad...she was also very sweet, generous, and thoughtful, as well as a lot of fun. She changed a lot with all her issues, and I have no way of knowing if she's back to normal or changed forever.

I hope the fact that they are talking marriage vs breaking up means she's become more stable, but BIL may be a bit of a glutton for punishment so who really knows.

[heygrey]

Nov 14, 2012 15:52:31 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

I'd be inclined to offer congrats and mend the fence as much as it will allow for a non combative relationship. I certainly wouldn't try to be close or get enmeshed again.

Agreed.

And I agree that you should try to be amicable with family, if possible, just because its nearly impossible to avoid each other forever.

That said, I would offer a simple, "heard the good news, congrats!" And be done. Don't ask for mor details or show interest or you'll just end up in the same place you've been before.

[Deleted]

Nov 14, 2012 23:14:10 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Nov 14, 2012 22:42:40 GMT -5 @spenjamins said:

Didn't you post about this when it was all going down? For some reason, I remember the girlfriend as super dramatic and volatile. Is there any indication that she has changed? If not I would be cordial, send a card and call it. Their relationship might be still nuts.

Yep. I posted most of these details over the last couple of years.

She was volatile for sure during the year between her breakup/suicide attempts and the time we stopped talking. Prior to that, she was a bit dramatic but nothing too bad...she was also very sweet, generous, and thoughtful, as well as a lot of fun. She changed a lot with all her issues, and I have no way of knowing if she's back to normal or changed forever.

I hope the fact that they are talking marriage vs breaking up means she's become more stable, but BIL may be a bit of a glutton for punishment so who really knows.

Send a card and then play it by ear, then. Tough.

[Deleted]

Wow. Sounds like you guys have really been through a lot. I think most of what has been said here makes a lot of sense, but I do want to add one precaution… Wedding planning. It sounds to me like there's a greater than slim chance that they may ask you to be in their wedding in some shape or form, and I think it would be a good idea for you to start thinking about it now if you want to, and to what extent, and within what limits. I wouldn't recommend you actually take part, (I wouldn't) but I know that coming with up with an excuse can sometimes be difficult. Just food for thought. Hope this helps! :-)

[steph96]

Nov 14, 2012 16:08:12 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

I would send them a friendly congrats text when they get engaged, let your DH handle his relationship with his BIL, and as for the relationship between you & your ex-friend I'd keep it cordial while I wait and see if being married makes them chill the fuck out.

This. It doesn't need to be "congrats! Lets mend things" type message. Give it some time.

I'm honestly not sure i would try to be friends with your friend again. Just because she is going to be your SIL doesn't mean you have to be her friend again. What positive things come out of your friendship with her?

[livinitup]

(Note - didn't read responses yet)

Well, you seem like a fixer, a mender. So, your instincts are to see this news as framed just like you did - I miss you, We're going to be family, Let's help the brothers get along.

Which is fine. Except SHE isn't a mender. Never has been, no reason to think she will be. So, you can reach out (becuase that's natural for you) but know that all the work will be on you.

If you are cool wiht that, want that and can take the rejection you will get at the first or second try - do it. On the other hand, there is plenty there to not bother. Time will tell if these relationships will mend. You don't have to do it for everyone else.

[ECB]

Nov 14, 2012 18:19:59 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

I more or less just mean, we're going to be at the same weddings/holidays/funerals. We have the same in-laws and eventually we'll need to do things like celebrate milestone anniversaries, help them when they're old, bury them someday. Being family doesn't mean we have to have a close relationship, but in my opinion being family should mean you suck it up to an extent because refusal to talk to each other affects the entire family and being together at some point is unavoidable.

THis is all well and good, but all you can control is yourself and your actions. Be nice, be cordial. Make an effort to talk to her. All this is fine.

I would NOT approach her and in any way actually say "now that we're going to be family, let's put the past behind us". SHE is the drama queen, right? I see saying anything like that as totally opening a can of worms and possibly making things worse. If she and your BIL blame you/your DH, to put this out there will only push them to once again get pissed at you all because by you asking to 'put it behind us' may come across to them as you not accepting responsiblity.

You say above that "in your opinion", you should suck it up. That's the thing- it is just YOUR opinion. She may not agree! You can't control that.

Be nice, be cordial. Make an effort to talk . If they don't reciprocate, then that's on them. Giving them a "lets put the past behind us" speech is NOT going to change this about them.

That's really ultimately my point.