Money inequality between siblings

[dreamgirl]

I get so irritated at DH's family.

They pay for everything for SIL and her family. New tires? sure! New car? of course! A full wardrobe shopping spree? Absolutely! Gas in the car for coming to visit? Why not!

DH (and our family) get nothing. Not squat. Not that we expect it, but the blantent inequality makes me so mad. We do make more money than SIl and BIL, but we aren't on top of the financial world.

This is all coming from them buying them a new car (new to them) and it is chapping my ass.

[Deleted]

You guys make more money. I don't understand the extreme bitterness.

[cahabalily]

My grandparents did this to my Dad his whole life (favor the youngest and middle child over him) and still do. It infuriates my Mom, and so she always made sure that she treated bro and I equally:

He had a couple of fender-benders in high school that didn't go to insurance, he paid out of pocket. When I had a wreck in high school, my parents totaled the out of pocket costs he paid for his fender benders, and I had to pay that amount back to them....

Sibling ineuality sucks, plain and simple. But at least you can control how your own children are treated...

[Deleted]

I can definitely see why that would irk you. I would just try to feel good about not needing their help as adults though. That's how it's supposed to be after all.

[partiallysunny]

I don't get the bitterness either. A lot of families I know (including my own) are like that for what ever reason.

[Deleted]

eh. we make more money than my parents and my siblings combined, so if my parents want to spend their money on my siblings rather than me, its no skin off my back.

[Deleted]

Eh. My in-laws completely fund my BIL and SIL...they pay for their housing, utilities, groceries, everything.

It only chaps my ass when the in-laws ask me for money, because they spend all their money BIL and SIL.

[dreamgirl]

I know it shouldn't bother me. I know that. But it gets to me from time to time.

If they are going to do it, don't flaunt it. The full on shopping spree happened when I was shpping with them.

I am so grateful and thankful for what we have and that we don't need to rely on them. And I wouldn't trade their life for ours at all.

Like I said, I just get chapped about it from time to time

[Deleted]

Think about how sad it is for them to have to rely on somebody else for new tires.

You can buy your own damn new tires. That's better.

[friskypanda]

With our kids (SKs and DD) someone is always getting something, but if we do for one we don't run out and spend the same on another to make it even. As far as we're concerned it all evens out in the end. But our kids are still kids. Once they're adults, we expect them to be self sufficient to the point they are capable (one does not have the same abilities as the others).

My grandparents have always done more for a couple of the cousins than they have for my sister and I. It can be frustrating seeing the handouts, but it evens out in the end because they are not beneficiaries to anything because they are not responsible.

[phunluvin82]

My parents do a lot more financially for my sister than for me (& DH) but it is because she genuinely needed the help more. If they didn't give her gas money when she came to visit, they wouldn't get a visit b/c the money spent on gas would literally cause her not to be able to feed herself.

She is doing better now, but she and her H were in a tough spot for a while. I didn't begrudge them getting a lot from my parents b/c they were seriously drowning for a while there.

That being said, my parents were pretty good about doing stuff for me too. Like if they came to visit, my mom would make a Costco trip while I'm at work and stock us up on a bunch of household items.

In the meantime, my sis would've gotten another car, help paying bills, etc, etc, but it didn't bother me...I definitely wouldn't trade the financial stability for the parent handouts.

If we were in similar financial boats, but my parents practiced blatant inequality with helping us out with stuff...then, yes, that would probably bother me.

[chessie]

I know in our family its that way. But it doesn't irk me really that much. Imagine it on the person's side that has to take that money? Its not good thing ya know, to accept money cause your so SOL with money you have to cry back to your parents as an adult. Its pretty embarrassing I would think. I am glad we are not in those shoes, and can make our own money.

[Deleted]

Ok, so here is a question for people who are SO INTO "sibling equality."

If parents pay for grad school for one child, and the other child does not go to grad school, should the parents give that child the same amount of money that would've paid for grad school?

[h]

We are the kids who make the most and get the least from the ILs and my father, and I will admit to being irritated about it. In our cases we make more because we work more, at jobs we don't always love, while my SILs and step-sisters have either deliberately walked away from high paying jobs or made a series of really poor decisions.

One of my step-sisters has now dropped out of college three different times, had to be bailed out of jail in the middle of the night by my father on more than one occassion, recently got fired from a bartending job for smoking pot (while pregnant), and just had an unplanned baby and has no idea who the father is. My dad just bought her a house. While it was nice of him and I know he can spend his money on whatever he wants, I am kind of bitter. That kind of money could have provided an awesome college fund for my kids.

My mom and step-dad go out of their way to treat their kids and grandkids equally, and I really appreciate it. I don't think it is a coincidence that they are really close to all of us, and we are all really close to each other.

[h]

May 11, 2012 12:27:57 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Ok, so here is a question for people who are SO INTO "sibling equality."

If parents pay for grad school for one child, and the other child does not go to grad school, should the parents give that child the same amount of money that would've paid for grad school?

I think it's fine to say "we will pay for grad school up to $X amount for each of you, but if you choose not to go to grad school, the money is not available for any other purpose." That is equal enough to me.

In our family, it worked out the opposite way: DH and I paid for our own grad school, and because we make good money as a result, we get nothing.

[SJ]

May 11, 2012 12:27:57 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Ok, so here is a question for people who are SO INTO "sibling equality."

If parents pay for grad school for one child, and the other child does not go to grad school, should the parents give that child the same amount of money that would've paid for grad school?

My uncle does this. One of his sons went to the Air Force Academy (free) so he was given the money my aunt and uncle would have spent on college.

I have many clients who are almost obsessed with this notion of "fair not equal." Their estate plans take into account loans given to each child, lifetime gifts, etc and the estate will balance it all out. The kids will not receive equal inheritances but the objective is that total lifetime gifting is fair.

[flygirl22]

I would like to think that this wouldn't bother me, but it might. My 2 younger brothers aren't out of college yet, so I can't really care about that. My older brother gets a lot paid for, but I don't care. DH and I make more than my parents. It DOES annoy me when they help my older brother out and then ask to borrow money from me. It does not bother me if they ask to borrow money for my younger brothers. (For example, they once asked for $$ to pay for my youngest brothers tennis camp, I would have gladly given it to him).

To Miso- I don't consider that the same situation, but maybe some would. If they are paying for something that only 1 person wants then they shouldn't feel obligated to gift that $$ they aren't spending to the other person. If the other wanted to attend grad school and they didn't want to fund it, that would kind of make me upset. But Housing/vehicles - everyone needs those things.

[Deleted]

Over the course of our lifetimes, I estimate my mother will wind up giving my brother a lot more financial help than me. Brother also has a lot more problems than me and was on the brink of homelessness just a couple of months ago. I much prefer my life, and I'm not going to lose sleep over him getting more help.

Playing favorites sucks, but unequal isn't always unfair. I don't complain that I don't get food stamps just because I can afford to buy my own food.

[Deleted]

I get what you are saying completely. My sister got her college tuition paid for and what did I get you ask? Braces. I worked FT and have loans for my education. It sucks, but I look at how my sister and I live our lives now and its not like I'm glad to have student loan debt, but its made me who I am today. I'm very independent and I don't need to rely on anyone-the polar opposite of my sister.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 12:39:29 GMT -5 flygirl22 said:

To Miso- I don't consider that the same situation, but maybe some would. If they are paying for something that only 1 person wants then they shouldn't feel obligated to gift that $$ they aren't spending to the other person. If the other wanted to attend grad school and they didn't want to fund it, that would kind of make me upset. But Housing/vehicles - everyone needs those things.

So do you think it's unfair that parents buy a house outright for one sibling (approximately $600k) and give the other sibling a significantly smaller donation for a down payment (approximately $50k)?

[Rachael070707]

I'll be honest, it used to really bother me when it came to me vs my step-siblings. In time I realized that it may still irritate me from time to time, I just don't care to dwell on it. It doesn't make me feel any better, only worse. Once I figured that out and walked the walk, I felt much better.

[cahabalily]

Miso - re: the graduate school question -

If the parents are truly worried about equality, the answer should be yes. But I don't think that happens often. I think the rules of 'equaliy' become more blurried over time, which is understandable. But to favor one child over the other from the very beginning is what caused all of the hurt feelings in my extended family, and what I find to be reprehensible...

[kadams767]

May 11, 2012 12:43:46 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

May 11, 2012 12:39:29 GMT -5 flygirl22 said:

To Miso- I don't consider that the same situation, but maybe some would. If they are paying for something that only 1 person wants then they shouldn't feel obligated to gift that $$ they aren't spending to the other person. If the other wanted to attend grad school and they didn't want to fund it, that would kind of make me upset. But Housing/vehicles - everyone needs those things.

So do you think it's unfair that parents buy a house outright for one sibling (approximately $600k) and give the other sibling a significantly smaller donation for a down payment (approximately $50k)?

I think this is unfair, yes.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 12:50:59 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

May 11, 2012 12:43:46 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

So do you think it's unfair that parents buy a house outright for one sibling (approximately $600k) and give the other sibling a significantly smaller donation for a down payment (approximately $50k)?

I think this is unfair, yes.

Does your answer change if the sibling who gets the house makes $85k/year and has two children and a wife who stays at home, while the other sibling's household makes $1 million/year?

[cahabalily]

May 11, 2012 12:52:56 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

May 11, 2012 12:50:59 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

I think this is unfair, yes.

Does your answer change if the sibling who gets the house makes $85k/year and has two children and a wife who stays at home, while the other sibling's household makes $1 million/year?

::butting in::

It doesn't matter what the financial circumstances are. If the parents can't afford to give both/all children the same thing, they shouldn't give at all.

[Deleted]

Hmm. Surprising.

I think this situation is perfectly fine, and I'd be shocked if the richer sibling would care.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 12:54:16 GMT -5 cahabalily said:

It doesn't matter what the financial circumstances are. If the parents can't afford to give both/all children the same thing, they shouldn't give at all.

Absurd.

My brother needs help. I do not.

I love my brother. I want the best for him, even if that means that I get less from my parents.

Playing favorites or being manipulative is asshole behavior. Taking into account individual circumstances is not.

[kadams767]

May 11, 2012 12:52:56 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

May 11, 2012 12:50:59 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

I think this is unfair, yes.

Does your answer change if the sibling who gets the house makes $85k/year and has two children and a wife who stays at home, while the other sibling's household makes $1 million/year?

Not really. Perhaps in that extreme difference in income, maybe, but that isn't what the OP was describing. Though, my real opinion is if you make $85k per year with a SAHM/W, there is a reason you can't afford your own house and that reason is completely within your control. I don't mind inequality when there are extenuating circumstances, like parents helping out kids who lose a job, are ill, etc.

[kadams767]

May 11, 2012 13:00:31 GMT -5 @angryharpy said:

May 11, 2012 12:54:16 GMT -5 cahabalily said:

It doesn't matter what the financial circumstances are. If the parents can't afford to give both/all children the same thing, they shouldn't give at all.

Absurd.

My brother needs help. I do not.

I love my brother. I want the best for him, even if that means that I get less from my parents.

Playing favorites or being manipulative is asshole behavior. Taking into account individual circumstances is not.

I don't think that the situation Miso referenced constitutes "needing" help, though. There is a parent who is choosing to stay at home and not work. That doesn't mean they need their parents help more than the other kid, just because the other kid makes millions.

[flygirl22]

May 11, 2012 12:43:46 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

May 11, 2012 12:39:29 GMT -5 flygirl22 said:

To Miso- I don't consider that the same situation, but maybe some would. If they are paying for something that only 1 person wants then they shouldn't feel obligated to gift that $$ they aren't spending to the other person. If the other wanted to attend grad school and they didn't want to fund it, that would kind of make me upset. But Housing/vehicles - everyone needs those things.

So do you think it's unfair that parents buy a house outright for one sibling (approximately $600k) and give the other sibling a significantly smaller donation for a down payment (approximately $50k)?

I do think it is unfair, yes, unless the sibling specifically said they didn't want more. Of course, it's their money so they can do whatever they like with it... But I'd be upset.