Ok to suggest a housekeeper or clean it myself?

[rikki]

My bf's house is sort of a disaster. He was engaged before and his former fiancée insisted that they buy a 6 bedroom house which she left him to deal with when they broke up 4 years ago. On top of being huge for one person, there is also a full size basketball court and a large pool. It's a lot of upkeep and he isn't really handy and also works a lot.

His cleaning lady was deported about 6 months ago. I'm pretty sure that it hasn't had a real cleaning since. Is it ok to offer to look for a new cleaning person? Should I just start cleaning? Do I say nothing? I know he knows it should be done, but I don't want to nag or make him feel bad about it. I can't decide if it is my place or not, but I spend a lot of time there and am sick of looking at dust and moldy food.

[rosiedozie]

If you don't live with him, I don't know that it's your place to do anything about it.

[Roc A Bee]

Depends on how dirty. Gross bathroom and smelly? I'd say something. Just his junk everywhere? I'd leave it be? How would you feel if he came over and started cleaning? I'd go from there.

[Deleted]

I think this is one place where you need to be wary of falling into the trap of mothering him.

If it's dirty enough that it makes you uncomfortable to be there (and I've been to places like that), then I think you just need to flat out tell him that you'd like him to hire a cleaning service.

But don't find it for him, and don't clean yourself. That can't end well.

[rikki]

Nov 19, 2012 20:18:10 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

How long have you been exclusive? How often do you stay over?

That's pretty gross if bathrooms and stuff haven't been cleaned in six months. :-0

We've been dating 3 months or so. I stay about once during the week and part of most weekends.

The bathrooms have at least been superficially cleaned, thankfully.

[thinkofthesoldiers]

I agree with angryharpy. H was living with two other guys when we started dating. The bathroom was disgusting. I finally told him that I wouldn't be spending the night again if that bathroom wasn't clean. Shockingly, it was bleached and spotless when I was supposed to arrive next. LOL After that, I offered to help him clean/organize his room and anything that that was his in the house.

[ijack]

Isn't his mom coming this week? I'd tell him to hire someone

[Deleted]

I don't think it's your place. My guy friends will complain when their ladies clean up their place. It's like infringing on their territory or something, I guess.

Moldy food though, I just throw away and say something like "whoa, did you know that that was from April 2009? What else do you have in here? Hidden treasure?" Make a joke about it, but do point out that there is moldy food.

Dust though? Really. But I can't tell you the last time I actually dusted something. And I just finished cleaning my room.

[rikki]

Nov 19, 2012 20:21:57 GMT -5 ijack said:

Isn't his mom coming this week? I'd tell him to hire someone

I updated that thread. She's postponed her trip until December, thankfully!

[dexteroni]

There are many reasons why you shouldn't clean his house, and you also shouldn't offer to find him a housekeeper. But you can and should tell him tactfully that the dirt makes spending time there less enjoyable for you, and that you'd like him to do something about it, whether he cleans it himself or hires someone. Also, I would see this as a red flag if you plan to take things further with him; if he doesn't mind living in filth, guess who's going to be left to do all the cleaning?

But the bigger question is why has he stayed in such a huge house by himself for four years. Can he not find a buyer? Is his ex on the mortgage and/or deed?

Lastly, while I'm being a dick, I realize that this is so out of line and so not my place, but this post and the one about him not allowing you to season food give me a bit of pause about this dude. I hope you didn't fall right into another questionable relationship. Feel free to tell me to F off, but I promise I'm only thinking of your welfare here.

[thedutchgirl]

DO NOT CLEAN HIS HOUSE.

Ok, sorry to shout but absolutely do not just start cleaning his house unless you want to clean it forever. I suppose I might ask around if friends have recs and offer them up to him, but I agree he's a grown up who can manage this himself. You do not want to start mothering him or wife-ing him already b

[rikki]

Nov 19, 2012 20:23:37 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

There are many reasons why you shouldn't clean his house. But you can tell him tactfully that the dirt makes spending time there less enjoyable for you, and ask if he's ever considered hiring a housekeeper. Also, I would see this as a red flag if you plan to take things further with him; if he doesn't mind living in filth, guess who's going to be left to do all the cleaning?

But the bigger question is why has he stayed in such a huge house by himself for four years. Can he not find a buyer? Is his ex on the mortgage and/or deed?

They were on again, off again after she moved out, so I think there was hope she might move back in. He had to pay her a large chunk of money to get her off the deed even though he paid all of the down payment, too. They also bought in 2006 at the height of the market.

He is planning to sell soon. He also has an apartment near his office.

[rikki]

The salt was a total joke. I mentioned at the Boston get-together that I accidentally added 4x the amount of salt to a dish. He doesn't really not allow me to season things. Really, he is great. He just works crazy jr partner hours and would rather do other things than clean.

[Deleted]

Dont clean! I like the groupon idea...do not offer to look for his help for him! I can see why you would be tempted, I am a neat freak.

[dexteroni]

Nov 19, 2012 20:30:07 GMT -5 rikki said:

The salt was a total joke. I mentioned at the Boston get-together that I accidentally added 4x the amount of salt to a dish. He doesn't really not allow me to season things. Really, he is great.

Oh thank goodness! lol.

[Deleted]

Nov 19, 2012 20:29:47 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Nov 19, 2012 20:23:08 GMT -5 blissanity said:

Dust though? Really. But I can't tell you the last time I actually dusted something. And I just finished cleaning my room.

That's pretty gross. Dust mites and other shit can cause health issues.

I don't really have surfaces to dust so that has a lot to do with it.

[bazealina]

Really? do not do either..
if I can give one piece of advice: DO NOT do anything now that you are not prepared to do for the rest of your life!..if you clean now you will be cleaning for him your entire life. If you call a housekeeper, you will be picking up the pices up for him forever!

[Deleted]

Nov 19, 2012 20:18:52 GMT -5 @angryharpy said:

I think this is one place where you need to be wary of falling into the trap of mothering him.

If it's dirty enough that it makes you uncomfortable to be there (and I've been to places like that), then I think you just need to flat out tell him that you'd like him to hire a cleaning service.

But don't find it for him, and don't clean yourself. That can't end well.

Ditto.

I am also curious why he still has this house and how his ex just happened to leave this to him to deal with.

[livinitup]

:-(

I think you are pretty severly invested in making excuses for him.

And you are about to be invested in fixing him.

It's fine to notice and think about solutions. But 3 months in, you shouldn't be cleaning the house of a grown-ass man because his girlfriend left him and his housekeeper got deported. You should be noticing that this is a red flag for YOU.

[Deleted]

I would just tell him that the mess stresses you out when you visit (because messes do stress me out, lol). I don't see a problem with dropping hints and hopefully it opens the conversation up so you can gently ask if he needs help finding a cleaning person.

I agree with others though that you shouldn't take on cleaning a monster 6 br house!

[Deleted]

Since you've only been together 3 months, I would not do either. Maybe if he ever brings it up in conversation, you could suggest a house cleaner or something.

[rikki]

Nov 19, 2012 20:39:01 GMT -5 @applesauce said:

Nov 19, 2012 20:18:52 GMT -5 @angryharpy said:

I think this is one place where you need to be wary of falling into the trap of mothering him.

If it's dirty enough that it makes you uncomfortable to be there (and I've been to places like that), then I think you just need to flat out tell him that you'd like him to hire a cleaning service.

But don't find it for him, and don't clean yourself. That can't end well.

Ditto.

I am also curious why he still has this house and how his ex just happened to leave this to him to deal with.

He made 8 times more money than she did. She couldn't afford it at all
and he could. They tried to sell but it was at the worst possible time.

I'm just gonna tell him it's gross and to deal with it. It's not filth, for the record. Just not clean either.

[Deleted]

Nov 19, 2012 20:39:51 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I think you are pretty severly invested in making excuses for him.

And you are about to be invested in fixing him.

It's fine to notice and think about solutions. But 3 months in, you shouldn't be cleaning the house of a grown-ass man because his girlfriend left him and his housekeeper got deported. You should be noticing that this is a red flag for YOU.

Feel free to tell me to shove it. But I agree with the bolded. I personally feel that 3 months in, especially after just finalizing your divorce, is too early for all this.

As someone who had a habit of picking duds, I never gave myself enough time to figure out what I was doing wrong and kept picking the same red flags over and over, jumping from relationshit to relationshit. Not saying that you are, but just something to consider.

[thegooser]

Do not clean his house. Do not find him a housekeeper.

Think long and hard about why you are jumping to solving your boyfriend's problems for him instead of asserting yourself and setting boundaries/standards through open dialogue and compromise. Don't be afraid to say "this isn't acceptable to me."

Others have brought up good points about this being a red flag that you should consider. FWIW, my H used to have a housekeeper over before each time I visited and I didn't realize I was marrying a slob. Not fun! Total bait and switch.

[rikki]

Nov 19, 2012 20:45:06 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

This guy may be 1000% fabulous, but I hope you are being very eyes wide open during the dating stage. You just came out of a marriage and it can be so tempting to favorably compare the new guy with your ex that you miss stuff that will drive you nuts later.

It just seems so soon for being so serious. I know I am all debbie downer, but I promise it's out of love and concern.

I don't think you're Debbie Downer at all. I've spent a lot of time thinking about all of the things that you've mentioned. I definitely had no intention of being in a relationship so soon, nor was I thinking that this would end up serious when we went out the first time. I am not the type of person who needs to be in a relationship and don't think I'm using him to fill any voids.

He's so different than my ex, which
is definitely appealing. However, more than that I'm just really happy with him. I can't put words to it, but it just is so easy and feels so right. Other than the cleaning thing, he's pretty perfect on paper and in person. We are so much alike and compliment each other. I just feel good when I'm with him.

That said, you're right. There's no need to rush and maybe things are happening too fast. I'm going to discuss it with my therapist this week.

[flannelandlattes]

Do you know why his ex left him? He is clearly very financially successful and wanted to create a future w her (by buying the 6 bedroom house) and has a great personality, so what happened to break up the engagement? Why are you guys discussing finances (his salary) so early in the dating stages? I might be in the minority, but I think 3 months in might be a little soon to be discussing specifics like that.

[rikki]

It's pretty common knowledge what an 8th year associate makes compared to a teacher. He didn't tell me specific numbers, it's just a guess.

[Deleted]

I'm gonna guess since he is a Jr Partner in the city that she doesn't need to know specifics to know he makes a ton of money.

I will also guess that she questioned why he bought the big house and the ex fiancé was explained that way too.

I don't think 3 months is too soon to know at least general amounts of financial information. If you are exclusive especially.

[Deleted]

Nov 19, 2012 21:27:03 GMT -5 rikki said:

It's pretty common knowledge what an 8th year associate makes compared to a teacher. He didn't tell me specific numbers, it's just a guess.

And I was right! We posted at the same time. Lol.

[Deleted]

Nov 19, 2012 20:44:20 GMT -5 rikki said:

He made 8 times more money than she did. She couldn't afford it at all
and he could. They tried to sell but it was at the worst possible time.

I'm just gonna tell him it's gross and to deal with it. It's not filth, for the record. Just not clean either.

Ah ok.

Good for you. Hopefully he finds a new housekeeper soon.