I think you are pretty severly invested in making excuses for him.
And you are about to be invested in fixing him.
It's fine to notice and think about solutions. But 3 months in, you shouldn't be cleaning the house of a grown-ass man because his girlfriend left him and his housekeeper got deported. You should be noticing that this is a red flag for YOU.
And you just separated from your ex. Go slow and see if this guy is just transitional.
This is a little off topic I guess, but I am not sure exactly what being 6 bedrooms vs fewer bedrooms really hurts regarding cleaning if he's not using all of it.
We have 3 bedrooms and our entire lower level is basically a bedroom, living room, and bathroom that hardly gets used (which sucks). I clean it about once a month and that's just a quick swipe with a dust rag and vacuum. It just doesn't get dirty because we don't use it. I do a better cleaning if we'll have guests but nothing gets dirty in a room that is empty with the door shut.
I think the house being too big is just an excuse if he's not actually USING all the space. If he mostly lives in the kitchen/livingroom/bedroom/bathroom then those rooms should be the only ones in desperate need of cleaning and thus easy to keep up with. Especially for a single dude without pets.
I'd stay out of this one if it were me, but if you get more serious or topics like moving in together, lifestyle compatibility, etc come up then it would be appropriate to mention your preference for frequent cleaning.
Post by vanillacourage on Nov 19, 2012 23:11:45 GMT -5
Start how you want to finish. Don't clean a house you don't share, and don't jump in to solve problems that a grown dude should be able to handle.
Agree with the others to go slow and enjoy your newfound independence. You're jumping into being half of a couple again very fast. Stop and smell the roses. Or the Pine-Sol.
For what it's worth (and I do realize this isn't exactly the same), DH came out of an almost 4-year relationship about 2 months before beginning to date me. We were together for 3 years before getting engaged and have now been together almost 6 years. I occasionally wondered in the beginning if it was smart to get involved with someone so quickly like that, but it truly was the right decision.
It sounds like you're thinking everything through and it's nice that you have a therapist to talk with. Best of luck to you!
And I'd mention that it might be time to get a housekeeper again. He's probably just too busy to have felt the need to bother finding someone.
If you don't live with him, I don't know that it's your place to do anything about it.
Depends a lot on him and the relationship.
When DH and I were just dating, I used to drive up to his house on Friday after work and stay the weekend. Every time I got there, I spent the first hour or so cleaning because while he wasn't a slob, I certainly preferred a neater environment for myself. Usually it was bathrooms first, then kitchen, then general vacuuming and straightening. Sure it was his house, but as far as he was concerned I was staying there part-time and we were serious/talking marriage so the expectation was that it would be my house eventually as well. As long as I didn't expect him to clean to my standards and was willing to do the work myself, he was completely fine with it.
If it's early in the relationship you may want to tread more lightly. Although I personally see no problem with tossing moldy food and hitting the toilet with a little Lysol if need be, if you are staying there (if you're just visiting, it's his problem and not impacting you). Those are just disgusting and a potential health hazard, and if he got upset about that you've got bigger problems in the relationship than the state of his house, IMO.
I wouldn't say anything unless he brings it up, and I certainly wouldn't clean.
And I'm not terribly up in arms about the relationship. You've only been dating a few months, you're not marrying him. It may fizzle out, it may continue. Enjoy it, keep your own place clean, and see where things take you.
FWIW, I dated slobs back in the day, and wanted desperately to clean, but didn't. Things fizzled out with the guys, but the lack of cleanliness wasn't the main reason.
Post by liveintheville on Nov 20, 2012 8:47:35 GMT -5
He doesn't live there fulltime so I can easily see how this slipped his mind. He was obviously amenable to it before so I don't see why you can't bring it up.
And I don't think your dating circumstances have anything to do with it, but I think 3 months of dating in your 30's when both parties have professional careers is much different from early 20's dating. All the friends I saw going through it got close much more quickly because that's what they were focusing on. Careers and moves and schooling had already been established so there was no need to hash that out. Everyone is financially independent, etc. I just think it's very different.
Whatever you do, don't do it yourself!!! lol. Talk about setting a bad precedent
I like the idea of waiting until his mom is scheduled to come and then tactfully bringing up the idea of hiring someone again. Good luck! I've been following along with your story and I'm so happy that you found someone you feel so compatible with
If you don't live with him, I don't know that it's your place to do anything about it.
Depends a lot on him and the relationship.
When DH and I were just dating, I used to drive up to his house on Friday after work and stay the weekend. Every time I got there, I spent the first hour or so cleaning because while he wasn't a slob, I certainly preferred a neater environment for myself. Usually it was bathrooms first, then kitchen, then general vacuuming and straightening. Sure it was his house, but as far as he was concerned I was staying there part-time and we were serious/talking marriage so the expectation was that it would be my house eventually as well. As long as I didn't expect him to clean to my standards and was willing to do the work myself, he was completely fine with it.
Who does the cleaning now that you live together? I could see this setting a very bad precedent. Why would a husband expect to have to help his wife clean a house they share if she liked to clean a house she didn't even live in?
I agree with angryharpy. H was living with two other guys when we started dating. The bathroom was disgusting. I finally told him that I wouldn't be spending the night again if that bathroom wasn't clean. Shockingly, it was bleached and spotless when I was supposed to arrive next. LOL After that, I offered to help him clean/organize his room and anything that that was his in the house.
All of this except I wasn't staying over any nights and add that the kitchen was disgusting. The sink was growing mold from all the unwashed dishes. And it smelled SO bad! Also: I never offered to help him clean his apartment. He's a grown ass man and can do it himself.