Yay! Today's FB drama. A Vent.

[Deleted]

The wife of one of my cousins is a super sweet girl, means well, does her best, wants to be helpful.
However, she's very blunt whether she means to or not. (I can be that way too, you all know that, but hers really stands out).

She went to visit my grandparents last week and proceeded today to send us all a message about how dusty, dirty, old their house is. She wants us all to chip in and get a housekeeper.

Which would be fine. But you have to know my grandparents. My parents and aunts and uncles have brought up things like housekeepers, home health aides, Meals on Wheels, assisted living etc. in the past. It turned into big drama with my grandparents thinking it's an affront to their lifestyle. Lots of drama and tears.

So all my cousins, pretty much typed back saying, it's a good idea but it will be resisted, if our parents suggest and get it through we'd be fine with it, but it's not our place, due to the long backstory.

Cousin's wife types back, "Well somebody has to do something!" My sister and cousin who lived near my grandparents the longest and who have busted their a$$es meeting their needs got a bit defensive and said, "Look We've tried. We've done the best we can. They're 80 years old. They've earned the right to do whatever at this point and their life decisions aren't really ours to judge. We're also just grandkids. It's a tough issue. We're not stepping on more toes."

I just agreed with all of this and then threw out a "hey, how about we start a new kitchen floor fund" (it's a small kitchen, it won't cost much at all) or a "rotating cleaning schedule. Clean for 2 hours and take grandma to lunch."

Whatever.

I'm just annoyed. I see cousin's point in the idea. I also see how her bluntness offended my other cousins. However, I side with my other cousins more. Yes, grandma's house needs a good scrubbing, but doesn't every grandma's? It's not great but not Hoarders or Clean Sweep worthy by any means either. If she's fine with it, who am I to whip out the Clorox on my next visit? Especially as a Christmas present? I think grandma in this case would much prefer oranges and stamps.

[mrs.jacinthe]

That's a sucky situation all around, but I agree - they've earned the right to live how they want. R's grandma used to say "If I wanted to spend my limited time left on earth cleaning, I'd have already done it." Hahaha

That said, I like your suggestion for "clean something then take them out for lunch" and I hope that's something people can get behind.

[thewop]

Oh, wow that is bold. Heaven forbid she ever see my house.

[Deleted]

Nov 20, 2012 14:56:30 GMT -5 mrs.jacinthe said:

That's a sucky situation all around, but I agree - they've earned the right to live how they want. R's grandma used to say "If I wanted to spend my limited time left on earth cleaning, I'd have already done it." Hahaha

That said, I like your suggestion for "clean something then take them out for lunch" and I hope that's something people can get behind.

Ha! I love that! My MIL always tells me, "I'm old. I have lost all rights to me filter and along with it all rights to be told what to do!"

I agree with her.

I just think it's a sh*tty Christmas present considering the personalities of my grandparents. Anyone else or any other time of the year would be okay. But in this case not only would our grandparents be mad but our parents/aunts/uncles who have tried for years. It's a lot of toe stepping in the season of peace, love, joy.

[Deleted]

Nov 20, 2012 15:04:00 GMT -5 thewop said:

Oh, wow that is bold. Heaven forbid she ever see my house.

Ha! I thought the same thing.
She is coming from a place of need for sure, but it's waaayyy tooo TTTOOOUCCHHHYYY of a subject for under the tree.

[thewop]

I mean if she REALLY wants to get someone a housekeeper, I wouldn't turn it down. Just sayin'. :-p

[bunnymendelbaum]

If it's not gross or a health hazard she needs to let it go. Lots of older ppl like their dirty/messy houses just they way they are.

My mom is a borderline hoarder. She loves bargain shopping. It is her hobby. We have always given her a really hard time about all the knick-knacks and crap. Finally, my dad told us to lay off. The stuff makes her happy and they are the only ones who have to live with it. True.

[maddysmum]

My out of town aunt used to do the same - she'd come into town, spend a few minutes with my grandparents and then spend the next few days telling all of us what they really needed, how we could all be helping and what was lacking. Then she'd leave town again.

My inlaws struggled with the same with their out of town relatives.

And while you know they mean well, and aren't always wrong, if they don't have the context of day to day, they really aren't in a position to make suggestions. And it's sort of impossible for it not to rub those who are there everyday the wrong way because it implies neglect, when more often than not, it's not neglect at all but making the best of the situation and doing what you can, when you can.

[Deleted]

Nov 20, 2012 16:58:44 GMT -5 maddysmum said:

My out of town aunt used to do the same - she'd come into town, spend a few minutes with my grandparents and then spend the next few days telling all of us what they really needed, how we could all be helping and what was lacking. Then she'd leave town again.

My inlaws struggled with the same with their out of town relatives.

And while you know they mean well, and aren't always wrong, if they don't have the context of day to day, they really aren't in a position to make suggestions. And it's sort of impossible for it not to rub those who are there everyday the wrong way because it implies neglect, when more often than not, it's not neglect at all but making the best of the situation and doing what you can, when you can.

You totally nailed it. My sister, one cousin and I grew up on the same dirt road as them. We went through it all with the granparents as a result. We're know they're aging and it's sad, but all the same we're doing the best we can.

I think those that live farther away just want to help the best way the know how, but like you said, it's annoying as can be to those of us who have dealt with it all along. We've learned to pick the battles.

It's so easy to tell someone what to do in five minutes a day.

[lemondrop]

Nov 20, 2012 16:58:44 GMT -5 maddysmum said:

My out of town aunt used to do the same - she'd come into town, spend a few minutes with my grandparents and then spend the next few days telling all of us what they really needed, how we could all be helping and what was lacking. Then she'd leave town again.

My inlaws struggled with the same with their out of town relatives.

And while you know they mean well, and aren't always wrong, if they don't have the context of day to day, they really aren't in a position to make suggestions. And it's sort of impossible for it not to rub those who are there everyday the wrong way because it implies neglect, when more often than not, it's not neglect at all but making the best of the situation and doing what you can, when you can.

Before we moved, we had this issue all the time with DH's cousin and even his stepbrother regarding DH's grandma. There were so many issues involved with it that it was hard to not be insulted.