WDMLT: Today Show Thanksgiving Etiquette

[lemondrop]

The Today Show is doing a Thanksgiving etiquette segment. The first question was twofold:

Do you as a guest have to bring a dish to Thanksgiving? As a host, are you required to serve it?

Most of them thought as a guest you HAVE to bring a dish. I find this annoying. Whenever I've hosted a holiday, I've spent a lot of time planning out the meal so it was cohesive and full. DH's family always brought random dishes. They'd never let us know what they were planning, so I couldn't compensate.

Also, I wish I didn't have to serve it as a host. DH's grandma would always bring dishes made with food of questionable safety (she doesn't throw anything out). I would always avoid it and let new people know to avoid it. But his Grandma would throw a big fit because no one was eating her odd looking hot dog salad. +o(

Thoughts?

[ECB]

As a guest, the proper thing to do is ASK what you can bring. As a host, I know my guests and I know if they really want to bring something, and what is up their alley.

So - I say "yes" and I tell them what would be a good thing to bring.

As far as "having" to serve something they bring - I guess it would be rude not too. But I have yet to be in that situation.

[hisno1girl]

My feelings on this are strong. I plan dinners all the time. I do not want guests showing up with random food that may not go with what I have planned. Unless the host/hostess ASKS you to bring a dish to pass, DON'T do it.

Sheesh, just accept the invite to dinner, give the appropriate thanks and leave it at that. I guarantee you, no one will spend the rest of the day saying, "OMG she was a guest and didn't bring a dish to pass!!" No one cares.

[Deleted]

I think the best thing is to call and ask the host if anything is needed or wanted. If the host says "No, thank you" bring a bottle of wine or other similarly acceptable hostess gift.

[Deleted]

I don't think this is even remotely a hard issue. Just ask what you can bring. If the hostess says nothing, bring alcohol. If she says "your delicious yams" then yes, you have to bring them and obviously she has to serve them. Isn't this how every normal person everywhere handles any dinner invitation?

[looseseal]

I guess our Thanksgivings are a bit different, so I'm not sure how to answer. While Grandma was still alive, my mom and aunts would go out to her house and help her cook. Now that's she's gone, it's a big potluck. We typically have 25-40 people, depending on how many OOT cousins make it back, so that would be tough and expensive to do on one's own. I guess I would say as a guest to a big dinner, one should at least offer/ask, and if someone brings something unexpected, it's polite to serve.

[ECB]

Oh, and I agree- guests do NOT "have" to bring a dish.

[Deleted]

Nov 21, 2012 9:22:28 GMT -5 looseseal said:

I guess our Thanksgivings are a bit different, so I'm not sure how to answer. While Grandma was still alive, my mom and aunts would go out to her house and help her cook. Now that's she's gone, it's a big potluck. We typically have 25-40 people, depending on how many OOT cousins make it back, so that would be tough and expensive to do on one's own. I guess I would say as a guest to a big dinner, one should at least offer/ask, and if someone brings something unexpected, it's polite to serve.

Well yes. AT A POTLUCK.

[sawyerthedestroyer]

As a guest I do not feel like I HAVE to bring a dish, but I will always offer to bring something. Even if the host declines an offer for food, I will at least bring a bottle of wine. The host can choose to serve it or not, I don't care.

As a host, I don't mind when people bring dishes. I attempt to make my menus cohesive, but if someone wants to bring something, I'm not going to get into a tizzy about it and will serve it. Food is good, the more the better.

I feel like this is one of those things where people like to create drama where there really doesn't need to be any.

[soozy87]

Our Thanksgiving is a coordinated potluck. It works. No one brings random nasty things.

[pantsparty]

I always ask. I plan out meals when we host and I'd prefer people just bring alcohol or an appetizer. If they brought a side dish, of course I'll serve it. But I cook for an army, so most people know better by now.

[lemondrop]

OK. I'm glad I'm not alone in this. It always irritated me that they'd just show up with stuff. DH would tell them not to bring anything, and they would never let us know that they were. I mostly always disliked his grandma's crap.

Anywho, my brother is hosting a potluck this year. I still called to ask if it was OK that I bring the stuffing in case my SIL had a special recipe she wanted to make.

[OHMBLEEGOHHHHH!]

Unless the hostess specifically told me she has planned the whole meal out, I would bring something.
And if I were a hostess, I would suck it up and serve it.

[dochas]

We have a very large family and we usually are assigned a dish by the host. Thanksgiving is at my sister's house and she says what she needs and we all pick what we'll do. If someone told me that they didn't need anything I would not make a side dish and expect it to be served. But I would not like to show up empty handed either. I think it's nice to "let" people at least bring a dessert.

editing to add - if you invited just my husband and I to dinner I wouldn't insist on bringing something. But a holiday where there is a huge number of people I would like to be able to contribute something, but it would be something you wanted or would put away for yourselves for later. Our family holidays aren't really what I would consider "potluck", but with at least 12 adults and 12 (growing)children it's hard for one person to do everything. And it's expensive.

[fuckyourcouch]

i feel like people overthink this.

if i was going to a hosted meal, i would feel guilty if i did not bring something. but i would not want to duplicate anything the host made, or make something someone is allergic to, or whatever else. i'd just call and ask, "what can i bring to help?" and go from there.

[adhdfashion]

As a guest you should always ask to bring something. If they say no I got it, still bring wine. My family has few pretty good cooks. I let them bring a side. The are others that can scrabble eggs. They get put on drink duty.
This is only at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Its a tradition for everyone to bring their best dish.
Otherwise I do it all and tell them to bring their butts for seat filling. :Y:

[Deleted]

I don't think you are required to bring something but I don't think it's some big deal if you do. It's a nice gesture and in keeping with the whole spirit of Thanksgiving.

No thank you, american indians. You can keep your stupid maize and trout, assholes. I ain't serving this shit. I have a whole gourd and venison thing going on that I spent a whole month researching on Pinterest.

[jane6672]

Nov 21, 2012 9:21:47 GMT -5 elle said:

I don't think this is even remotely a hard issue. Just ask what you can bring. If the hostess says nothing, bring alcohol. If she says "your delicious yams" then yes, you have to bring them and obviously she has to serve them. Isn't this how every normal person everywhere handles any dinner invitation?

Yes.

[Deleted]

you know what i bring? champagne. no one ever feels like they HAVE to serve it, but if they want to it's fun and light and goes with appetizers, desserts, and just generally feeling happy.

[lemondrop]

Nov 21, 2012 9:56:28 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

I don't think you are required to bring something but I don't think it's some big deal if you do. It's a nice gesture and in keeping with the whole spirit of Thanksgiving.

No thank you, american indians. You can keep your stupid maize and trout, assholes. I ain't serving this shit. I have a whole gourd and venison thing going on that I spent a whole month researching on Pinterest.

LOL. But what if the Indians had brought a hot dog dish?

[Deleted]

Nov 21, 2012 10:01:33 GMT -5 lemondrop said:

LOL. But what if the Indians had brought a hot dog dish?

Serve that shit with a smile while loudly murmuring over how oh so very NICE it was for great aunt Eunice to bring her fabulous hot dog casserole and are those tater tots, aunt Eunie? I loooooooove tater tots. Pass the ketchup.

[lemondrop]

Nov 21, 2012 10:03:48 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

Nov 21, 2012 10:01:33 GMT -5 lemondrop said:

LOL. But what if the Indians had brought a hot dog dish?

Serve that shit with a smile while loudly murmuring over how oh so very NICE it was for great aunt Eunice to bring her fabulous hot dog casserole and are those tater tots, aunt Eunie? I loooooooove tater tots. Pass the ketchup.

LOL. I always put it out, but avoided that shit. I don't mind hot dogs. It is weird to bring them to a holiday celebration, but whatever. The real issue was having eaten rotten food she made for us.

[MixedBerryJam]

Nov 21, 2012 9:59:24 GMT -5 cville said:

you know what i bring? champagne. no one ever feels like they HAVE to serve it, but if they want to it's fun and light and goes with appetizers, desserts, and just generally feeling happy.

I can't imagine showing up to dinner with an unsolicited side dish. If I'm going to dinner I ask what I can bring. If they want food, I'll bring what they "assign," which is usually no more specific than, "Bring an app, Bring a dessert, etc. If they say don't bring anything, I will bring a non-consumable hostess gift, or at least something that can easily be set aside for later (eg, not on a dish I want to bring home). If I really want to make sure they keep what I bring for later, I'll bring room-temp white wine or champagne that obviously needs to be chilled. And I'll say something like, "Save this for later." So they know there's no obligation.