My mom is having an affair...WTD?

[rdgove]

My parents have been living as "friends" for quite a few years now (married and put on the loving married couple face for everyone, but are not in love, don't have intimate relations, and barely tolerate each other at home). My parents are all about appearances, so they haven't divorced for that reason and for financial reasons.

Earlier this year, my Dad took a job that keeps him out of state for 3 out of every 4 weeks, so they are often living apart. My Mom loves this because she has the house to herself most of the time and her "freedom."

My 18 yr old sister, a freshman in college, on Friday was working her part-time job at Applebees when a man she was waiting on recognized her as my mother's daughter and starting saying all these strange, gushing compliments about my mother to her (on the border of being inappropriate). Turns out he is the contractor my mother hired to fix up the house, so he told my sister that he was so impressed with my mother and us that he was going to install new gutters for free, repave the driveway, etc. All very weird and out of place. My sister, growing suspicious, snooped in my mom's FB acct, and found the following message that my mom sent to her best friend:

"It's been crazy here. Still seeing ****, but I don't think it will last much longer. Long story short, he's kind of a selfish ego-centric person, but I enjoy being with him physically because he brings out something in me that feels good. Not sure if it's worth the price though.
Both **** (my dad) and **** (my sister) are home for the week. Not enjoying the company. I miss my freedom."

My sister called me crying after she read this. She's so upset. I am not terribly surprised, but her bluntness and the contempt for family she seems to have make me really hurt and angry. I'm 95% sure my Dad does NOT know, but I can't be sure.

So what do I do? With the holidays coming up, I feel lost now. My sister has to come home from school in 3 weeks for Christmas break and she is beside herself. I have no idea what my Mom's reaction would be if confronted. *sigh*

[flygirl22]

I wouldn't do anything, it seems that you have known that your parents marriage has been over for quite some time. I wouldn't be surprised if both of them were having affairs that they both knew about in that situation. I would be upset about the sister comment but wouldn't say anything because she has a right to feel however she feels, she didn't openly tell your sister that she didn't like having her around... She snooped on Facebook.

I'm sorry you're going through this though, it's not a great situation.

[Deleted]

Comfort your sister and MYOB beyond that.

[Deleted]

Oh your poor sister. I would offer to let her stay at your place over break if you could.

[mbcdefg]

I'm sorry I would be incredibly sad, hurt, and angry, too.

But unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it, and I would try to be sympathetic to your sister but encourage her to stay out if it.

[Deleted]

I'd comfort & offer my sister to stay at my house all future vacations. Otherwise I guess stay out of it though if I was your sis, I couldn't resist confronting my mom.

[limey]

Ditto everything that was said above.

However, I think it would be appropriate for your sister to tell you mother than her contractor approaching her at work and gushing over her was a bit upsetting and unprofessional of him.

[LoveTrains]

MYOB. You are welcome to comfort your sister, but your sister shouldn't have snooped in the facebook account to begin with. I don't think you should care at all that your mother is having the affair. I can see that your sister is upset about your mother complaining about missing her "freedom" while your sister is there, but honestly, I say stuff like that to my friends in facebook about when my family comes to visit, too. I just don't see the big deal. I am not seeing "contempt for her family" in the message.

[twodogsandababy]

Nov 25, 2012 12:46:44 GMT -5 pennypenny said:

I would stay out of it. This is between your mom and dad. And no more snooping. It does suck that your mom seems to not want to be around her own daughter, but only you know what your relationship with her is.

Sucky situation, but MYOB.

My mom cheated on my dad all through jr high. I have a feeling my dad knows but didn't care. Either way, I have always just assumed that it was none of my business. It has definitely strained my relationship with my mom and while we somewhat close now, I will never forgive her for what she put us through. I've used it as a live lesson of what not to do with my own family and how to make sure my son grows up in a loving, semi-functional family.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it does suck.

[hannamaren]

Nov 25, 2012 13:14:06 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

MYOB. You are welcome to comfort your sister, but your sister shouldn't have snooped in the facebook account to begin with. I don't think you should care at all that your mother is having the affair. I can see that your sister is upset about your mother complaining about missing her "freedom" while your sister is there, but honestly, I say stuff like that to my friends in facebook about when my family comes to visit, too. I just don't see the big deal. I am not seeing "contempt for her family" in the message.

This.
Explain the "freedom" comment was likely mostly in jest. And that we all have those moments.
Myob about the affair.

[joenali]

Count me out as the mind your own business camp, if my mom was in a loveless marriage and having an affair I would tell her to buck up and get a divorce already, and stop going behind my fathers back.

[Deleted]

Nov 25, 2012 13:14:06 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

I don't think you should care at all that your mother is having the affair.

Whaa..?

[dexteroni]

Oh man. I really feel for your sister here. Your mom's comment was more about enjoying alone time than about disliking your dad and your sister, but I know the concept of a mom also being a human isn't something I would have understood at age 18. A comment like that would have really f-ed up an 18-year-old me. I hope you can help rephrase your mom's comment and help your sister see that your mom can be her own person while still loving and caring for your sister just as much.

In my family, we definitely would not mind our own business about something this serious. Why tiptoe around something this big? It's happening, you and your sister know about it, it's already hurt you and devastated your sister, so it's time to talk about it. I would probably not involve your dad at first, but at least bring it out into the open with your mom and your sister. But that's just what I would do. I realize that not all families are open as mine is, but I don't see the benefit in *not* saying anything at all.

I would at least say something about what her dude said to your sister, because he said it directly to her, and he needs to stfu with the inappropriate comments. It's understandable if your sister isn't comfortable doing it, but it would be fine for you to do it on her behalf. "Hey mom, did sister tell you about the weird thing that happened to her at work? She said she waited on some dude who recognized her as your daughter and introduced himself as your contractor. She said he said a bunch of *really* personal things about you. Like, far beyond the realm of a contractor-client relationship, and bordering on inappropriate. I don't know what's going on and I don't want to know, but you may want to ask him to watch what he says. He should not have been saying stuff like that, especially to your daughter."

I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I hope you and your sister come through this ok.

[cjeanette]

Your sister should have stayed off FB. She could have mentioned the guy but if snoop in peoples personal space you might find something you don't want or that can be out of context.

That said, now that she as snooped I would be tempted to get it out in the open. Not to your dad, but have a conversation with mom about it. The life she and your dad are living are hurting their kids. She needs to be made aware of that.

[Deleted]

Agree with the advice of PPs, be there for your sister in any way you can, but confronting mom or adding to any family drama will not help the situation.

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you have to deal with this during the holidays, which just makes it even more stressful.

[Deleted]

Nov 25, 2012 13:44:42 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Your sister should have stayed off FB. She could have mentioned the guy but if snoop in peoples personal space you might find something you don't want or that can be out of context.

That said, now that she as snooped I would be tempted to get it out in the open. Not to your dad, but have a conversation with mom about it. The life she and your dad are living are hurting their kids. She needs to be made aware of that.

I don't have it in me to put a lot of blame on a teenager whose mom is putting her in such an uncomfortable position. Snooping is wrong, but I can see why she did it.

[aliceinfairyland]

I think you need to explain to your sister that your mom's comment wasn't a dig at her, but just a sign that your mom is human. There isn't at 18 year old alive that doesn't love the freedom that college has to offer, no matter how much he/she loves being at home with their parents. And I think that is really the only issue you need to discuss. Like you said, its no secret that your parents aren't happy. If you want to tell your mom you know about the affair, go for it. but at this point, she is a grown woman with grown children.

If you want tell your sister she can come visit you while she is home.

[ECB]

Maybe someone needs to point out to your mom that "keeping up appearances" isn't really working anymore and now your sister is suffering for it.

[Deleted]

Well, I found out my mom was having an affair when I was 16 or so. So I get what your sister is going through and it's rough. My mom recently told me that me finding out helped them finally push forward with a divorce.

I agree with Dexteroni, re it needs to be discussed with you, your sister and your mom.

Hugs and I'm so very sorry you're going through this.

[mkesweetie]

Oh, god, I feel so awful for your sister.

I agree w/ SueSue that secrets make a relationship sick, and I honestly wouldn't be able to keep this secret with my sister. If I were you*, I'd invite my mom and sister over for coffee while my sister was on break and have a conversation with my mom. I'd be upfront and honest about what Sister saw (or let my sister if she felt up to it) and confront the issue. Let Mom know that we're both hurt, and that her behavior puts us in a terrible position with our dad, now that we know about it. I wouldn't tell my dad, but I'd make sure my mom knew that I knew.

Your sister is no different than any spouse that gets caught cheating because his/her partner goes through a cell phone or email account. Snooping isn't "right" but doing so doesn't negate the fact that the other person is doing/has done something awful.

I'm so sorry you're all going through this - relationships are so hard to understand from the outside, and trying to navigate through this as a family is unimaginably difficult, I'm sure.

*This is what I say I'd do when I'm not confronted w/ the situation. I actually have no idea what I'd do in your position, but this is my inclination.

[readyin07]

Ladies...be real here. I am not sure what contractor said to the sister, but you are telling me that you wouldn't have snooped if someone made comments that intimated a deeper personal relationship with your married mom. It might not be right, but if she is going to have an affair she should have picked someone more discreet. But yeah, I think if the parents are living separate lives then the affair shouldn't be that shocking. There are many ppl who choose to live this way.

[thegooser]

I don't think the affair is really any of your business. Your dad knows the relationship is bust, and for all you know, he has relationships with other women while he is away.

If it were my mom, I would tell her the contractor is running his mouth at your sister's job. For one thing it is negatively affecting your sister and their relationship, and for another it really blows the lid off of the appearances she is keeping up. Your mom deserves to know.

Ditto others on comforting your sister and helping her see that that comment is NBD and a normal way to feel (although I'd also be hurt).

[Deleted]

The contractor sounds like a creep trying to start shit. Your sister should tell your mom he creeped her out and she knows about the affair. Then go from there.

[dr.girlfriend]

It's really up to your sister what she wants to do. And I'm sorry she read something hurtful, but honestly that's what happens when you snoop. This guy was obviously trying to "out" himself with your sister, it sounds like. What an ass.

[LoveTrains]

Nov 25, 2012 13:38:56 GMT -5 @redbellpeppers said:

Nov 25, 2012 13:14:06 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

I don't think you should care at all that your mother is having the affair.

Whaa..?

Her parents are in a fake marriage that they keep up on the outside for appearances. It sounds like the marriage was over years ago.

[cjeanette]

Nov 25, 2012 13:46:45 GMT -5 @redbellpeppers said:

Nov 25, 2012 13:44:42 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Your sister should have stayed off FB. She could have mentioned the guy but if snoop in peoples personal space you might find something you don't want or that can be out of context.

That said, now that she as snooped I would be tempted to get it out in the open. Not to your dad, but have a conversation with mom about it. The life she and your dad are living are hurting their kids. She needs to be made aware of that.

I don't have it in me to put a lot of blame on a teenager whose mom is putting her in such an uncomfortable position. Snooping is wrong, but I can see why she did it.

Sure, but respecting privacy is an important lesson to learn and hopefully this taught it to her.

[cjeanette]

Nov 25, 2012 14:18:07 GMT -5 readyin07 said:

Ladies...be real here. I am not sure what contractor said to the sister, but you are telling me that you wouldn't have snooped if someone made comments that intimated a deeper personal relationship with your married mom. It might not be right, but if she is going to have an affair she should have picked someone more discreet. But yeah, I think if the parents are living separate lives then the affair shouldn't be that shocking. There are many ppl who choose to live this way.

I would have called my mom right away and asked her about it. My parents never snooped on me and I was taught that they deserved that same respect. I see the impulse though.

It doesn't really matter now. She did it and she can't un-read it.

[whitepicketfence]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this and I feel so badly for your sister.

Even though snooping is wrong, your sister is a teenager and I don't entirely blame her for it after her confrontation with your mom's contractor. If I were in her shoes, I probably would have done the same thing. Just because she snooped on FB that doesn't negate the fact that what your mom is doing is hurtful to the rest of your family. I would have a very difficult time NOT confronting your mom about this.

[LoveTrains]

Nov 25, 2012 15:06:15 GMT -5 whitepicketfence said:

Just because she snooped on FB that doesn't negate the fact that what your mom is doing is hurtful to the rest of your family.

Can someone please explain what the mom is doing that is hurtful to the OP? I don't get it.

[joenali]

Nov 25, 2012 15:13:42 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

Nov 25, 2012 15:06:15 GMT -5 whitepicketfence said:

Just because she snooped on FB that doesn't negate the fact that what your mom is doing is hurtful to the rest of your family.

Can someone please explain what the mom is doing that is hurtful to the OP? I don't get it.

Lying to everyone??