Relationships between grown kids and parents

[thegooser]

As I get ready to start having kids, I've been reflecting a lot on parent-child relationships, mostly between adults. My mom drives me crazy (I posted about this last week, she smothers me and doesn't treat me like an adult). I hear so many other people complain about their parents and their in-laws. They don't respect their choices, they don't listen to their preferences, they give horrible gifts and are very emotionally invested in them being utilized, they are pushy about visiting, they make cutting remarks about their kids' spouses, they don't respect the kids' wishes regarding how grandchildren are raised, and so on and so on.

We don't treat our friends this way. Am I the only one who thinks about this stuff? I really hope I'm cognizant of respecting my kids as adults when they're grown, but I'm betting that if I asked the parents in question they would deny that they do any of the above things.

How do people go from being normal and polite into being so rude to their adult children? Part of me doesn't want to have kids because it seems like the majority of people grow up to be really annoyed by their parents.

If you have a good relationship with your parents, please share what they do right.

[Kore]

I've wondered this, too.

[atouchofklasse]

I have a great relationship with my parents. One key is that I'm not the center of their universe- they have a lot of friends and other interests.

[tacokick]

I tend to think the issues with parents stay similar from childhood to adulthood but the dynamic changes which causes problems. When you are a kid you are either stuck or don't know better or both but as an adult you know other ways to live and be and have more demands on your time.

I also think parents often have a hard time seeing their children as adults and how they may have changed since they lived at home.

My parents are good in that they don't try to interfere with our lives or guilt trip us into visiting. They can be annoying to be around but as an adult I can limit our interactions and keep it pleasant. Just because we are related doesn't mean we are alike and I accept that.

[LoveTrains]

We have a great relationship with my H's parents. They are respectful of our boundaries, offer ways to help but not be annoying, etc. They treat us like adults which is wonderful. They are supportive of what we do, don't criticize choices that we make that might be different from theirs, never pressure us about when we are having children, etc.

[mkesweetie]

My parents have opinions on everything. EVERYthing. Even if they don't give them (out-loud), they make damn sure we (their children) know how they feel. They are outspoken about the decisions my sisters make in regards to child rearing, and aren't afraid to "suggest" alternatives or make "recommendations" that are not requested.

They get hurt if we don't share with them our goals, plans, and big decisions before they're made. They are experts on everything from buying a home to adopting a pet. They raised three kids without EVER picking up a childcare book, and but for the grace of god, we all survived so heaven knows they're practically experts on life. I expect their book deal to be signed any day now.

All that said, for more than eighteen years they fretted over every breath we took, worried about us day in and day out, went without most of life's luxuries so that we could have them. They drove themselves in to debt making sure that we had shelter, education, and food to eat. They were at every cross country meet ), every swim meet, every parent teacher conference, every Family Weekend on every college campus we lived on. They helped us move in to college, and they helped us move from dorm to dorm and apartment to apartment every year we were there. And there were a lot of years. They love the grand babies and would move heaven and earth to make sure their all safe, loved, and provided for.

I get over the know-it-all bullshit because I know it comes from a good place, and that at the end of they day even though we're 30+ and not 13, my parents still worry, and agonize, and love in same way they did 30 years ago.

I sometimes think we (my generation as a whole) are way too hard on our parents.

[fuddyduddy]

I have a great relationship with my parents. I think there are various factors that play into it, but I these are probably the main ones:

We talk often, but not too often. We enjoy touching base with each other, but avoid smothering.

They are supportive and mostly nonjudgmental of me. When I chose to get married at a young age and they disagreed with my decision, they vocalized their dissent, but then fully backed me up once I went ahead with my plans. Now that I am going through a divorce (obviously I should have taken their advice before!) they are similarly supportive.

They listen well. They sometimes ask for my advice and take it seriously.

We are very honest with one another. We don't say anything mean, but we are also not worried about offending each other.

We are all fairly easygoing and don't sweat the small things.

In times of hardship and stress, they focus on health and happiness. They express their appreciation for their children, even when we can be seen as a burden.

*I just want to add, I can say most of these things about my brothers, too. My brothers and I also enjoy good relationships.

[bunch]

Nov 25, 2012 15:50:40 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

We have a great relationship with my H's parents. They are respectful of our boundaries, offer ways to help but not be annoying, etc. They treat us like adults which is wonderful. They are supportive of what we do, don't criticize choices that we make that might be different from theirs, never pressure us about when we are having children, etc.

Mine are the same. My dad is also pure awesome. He has never been anything but respectful to me and h. I think that my mom has issues that negatively affect our relationship, but I wouldn't say that she's ever rude or pushy toward me and h.

[chessie]

When I got married they stopped speaking to me like a child pretty much, we are friends now, we speak the truth and we just tell each other how it is. We keep our own boundaries up and treat it like any other friendship.

[thegooser]

Nov 25, 2012 15:53:33 GMT -5 mkesweetie said:

I sometimes think we (my generation as a whole) are way too hard on our parents.

This definitely may be true. But I also think things have shifted and parents don't really have the expectation that kids will grow up and leave and become independent adults as much anymore. There used to be much more of a sense of 18 and out, and once you're married your family life is private and your business.

I also don't think that parents made kids the center of their universe as much before, which I think has been a change for the worse. I don't think it's healthy to put so much pressure on kids to be everything to you in that way, either as kids or as adults.

All interesting points. I think for me it's going to be about maintaining a strong sense of self despite parenthood; continuing to cultivate my career and my marriage and friendships even if it means the kid doesn't do both ballet AND soccer this season.

[limey]

I think this is certainly a great mental experiment to have before becoming parents.

Based on my own experience and others, I would say if the parent-child relationship is not a dysfunctional or abusive one, you probably have a good chance of the child liking and respecting the parent more as an adult.

[Deleted]

I have a great relationship with my parents. Part of that is bc my dad enjoys us much more as adults lol. Part of that is because when I annoy my mom and she annoys me, we get snippy, hang up the phone and two days later we forget the cause of the snippiness.

Also, honestly, part of it is because my mom's mother was crazy when we were little (like, she would call my mom, and if she didn't answer, my grandmother would drive past our house to see if my mom was home. If her car was gone, she would drive in circles around the block until my mom got home.). My mom goes out of her way to NOT be that way.

My parents though have gotten along with their kids since we were teenagers. So I enjoy spending time with them - we get along well, we discuss things like adults, and I don't feel like they overly insert themselves in our lives.

[Deleted]

I have a very good relationship with both my parents and ILs. This is how I do it:

1. Never talk about politics. Change the subject if brought up. This has saved a lot of stress.
2. Always listen to their advice about my kid, but then do what I want.
3. Don't make mountains out of molehills. I'm not going to bitch out my MIL for doing something I'm not happy with when she is babysitting bc I'm grateful that she is babysitting.
4. Thank them when warranted- make them know I appreciate what they do.
5. Ignore the crazy. My mom in particular, I "yes" her a lot. She is a bit crazy but I understand and accept her for it.
6. Prozac.

[ssmjlm]

Nov 25, 2012 15:50:40 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

We have a great relationship with my H's parents. They are respectful of our boundaries, offer ways to help but not be annoying, etc. They treat us like adults which is wonderful. They are supportive of what we do, don't criticize choices that we make that might be different from theirs, never pressure us about when we are having children, etc.

Pretty much this with my parents. They treat us as equals and respect us.

My IL's do none of the above. FIL is very set in his ways so he feels he's earned the right to not change or understand I guess. MIL and DH have a very odd relationship b/c of her leaving when he was a teen.

[yellowbrkrd]

I am really close to my mom. I think the biggest thing I notice with her is that she never pries and never did when I was a kid. I think that made me want to open up and tell her what was going on in my life. She listens and doesn't interfere.

She never told me what to do or how to do it, she let me figure things out. And she has always supported me and been proud of my accomplishments, even though they may not be the "right" way of doing things.

She was always open and honest with me, she never tried to sugar coat things or dumb things down because I was just a kid. She was also open with me about the mistakes she made and that she wasn't perfect. I respect her so much for that.

I know she will always be there for me, no matter what. And she wouldn't expect a thing in return. I've helped her, she's helped me and we can lean on each other when we need to.

[ECB]

Nov 25, 2012 16:01:49 GMT -5 thegooser said:

Nov 25, 2012 15:53:33 GMT -5 mkesweetie said:

I sometimes think we (my generation as a whole) are way too hard on our parents.

This definitely may be true. But I also think things have shifted and parents don't really have the expectation that kids will grow up and leave and become independent adults as much anymore. There used to be much more of a sense of 18 and out, and once you're married your family life is private and your business.

I also don't think that parents made kids the center of their universe as much before, which I think has been a change for the worse. I don't think it's healthy to put so much pressure on kids to be everything to you in that way, either as kids or as adults.

I agree. I do think on one hand we are too hard - especially about the IL's. I think the women have the competitive thing that makes them find fault w/ anything their MIL does.

But yes, at the same time, so many parents do NOT raise their kids to be self-thinking, self-reliant people. Parents are over protective and hoverers in ways I don't think they were "way back when".

And when our kdis grow up - they are going to push against this and even "normal" concern is going to be unwanted.

[Deleted]

Nov 25, 2012 16:14:42 GMT -5 @iheartcosmos said:

I have a very good relationship with both my parents and ILs. This is how I do it:

1. Never talk about politics. Change the subject if brought up. This has saved a lot of stress.
2. Always listen to their advice about my kid, but then do what I want.
3. Don't make mountains out of molehills. I'm not going to bitch out my MIL for doing something I'm not happy with when she is babysitting bc I'm grateful that she is babysitting.
4. Thank them when warranted- make them know I appreciate what they do.
5. Ignore the crazy. My mom in particular, I "yes" her a lot. She is a bit crazy but I understand and accept her for it.
6. Prozac.

This is great advice. Especially ignoring the crazy--I have a lot of that in my family!

[gibbinator]

To a certain extent, the picture of parent child relationships we get here isn't really representative of most families. How often do people create threads titled "omg my mil is sooooo normal"?

I have one close friend that doesn't get along with her mom, but they're both crazy so it was inevitable. Everyone else I can think of (myself included) gets along quite happily.

[aliceinfairyland]

My problem with my parents is that they still view me as a child and treat me as such. And my mom resents who she perceives that I am.

[Deleted]

Nov 25, 2012 16:29:54 GMT -5 gibbinator said:

To a certain extent, the picture of parent child relationships we get here isn't really representative of most families. How often do people create threads titled "omg my mil is sooooo normal"?

I'll say it: My MIL is totally normal.

It's my mom who's crazy. :-(

[Deleted]

I have a great relationship with my parents. They treat me like an adult. They never overstep boundaries. They seek out and respect my opinion. We enjoy similar things. Basically, they taught me to be independent and then let me actually be just that.

As weird as it may sound, my mom is truly my best friend.

[Deleted]

I think a lot of times people on the boards complain about stuff they would never say IRL. My mom can get really annoying and smother me, and sometimes I mention something about that, but she's still a really good person who did one hell of a job raising her kids.

[smiley]

Our relationship with my parents is okay. We don't pry into each other lives and call to check in once or twice a week. We try to get together at least once a month if our schedules permit. My parents have allowed us to live our own lives and give advice when asked etc. They also respect that we may not take their advice but they are there to help regardless.

My in-laws on the other hand are smothering. DH finally had to tell them to not randomly stop by our house (they would come over all of the time when we first moved in) and to not call 3x a day. If MIL didn't hear from DH one day she would think he was dead and go crazy! really. This past year what little relationship we maintained with MIL and FIL pretty much fell apart. MIL told DH I was not welcome in their home and at family events etc. At that point DH stopped calling / visiting. We are trying to be nice and visit bc it's the holiday season but it is very awkward. I am not sure if the relationship will ever be mended.

[krystee]

I have an amazing relationship with my mom and a good one with my dad. My mom has always made clear how proud she is of us and how much she enjoys us, but has never overstepped her bounds (she does call an awful lot, but I like that). She's just such a happy person to be around. To this day, even my 25- and 20-year-old brothers will ask if she wants to go see a movie or go out to dinner because she's just nice to be with.

My dad DOES like to provide his two cents about everything, and it used to tick me off. But listening patiently, telling him he makes good points, and then doing my own thing later seems to work well. It would be easy to let him drive me nuts, but life is much more pleasant when I just take the positive view and tell myself that the reason he's doing this is because he loves me and he wants to save me the pain that could result from a bad choice. Also, I think he's been a great dad to my brothers in terms of the amount of time he spent with them fishing and hunting and other outdoor things.

Most of my friends' parents like both their own parents and their ILs, and the ones that don't have major extenuating circumstances (parents have addictions, have cheated, have a mental illness, etc.). Make sure your kids know they are loved, enjoyed and trusted, and you'll be off to a good start.

[ssmjlm]

Nov 25, 2012 16:29:54 GMT -5 gibbinator said:

To a certain extent, the picture of parent child relationships we get here isn't really representative of most families. How often do people create threads titled "omg my mil is sooooo normal"?

I don't think my MIL isn't normal, she's just very old fashioned and I truly think some of her mothering ways stem from the way she was mothered based on things she and DH have said. I also realize that instead of focusing on her children and grandchildren it's easier for her to not be doting b/c with her own remarriage along with her and her husband's children remarrying, it's just too hard to give attention to all the grandchildren. I don't agree with the way she does things or treats her sons and their children (or soon to be) but there's not a lot we can do as she's so old now, she'll never change.

I've realized though is what hurts me more is that we have such an amazing relationship with my parents that it's hard to see the opposite with the IL's.

[Deleted]

All three sets of parents that we have are wonderful people who, for the most part, treat us like adult friends whom they love dearly. All of them have their idiosyncrasies, which H and I spend DAYS dissecting after a visit. But for the most part, we are treated as equals. We can talk politics, history, economics, religion, etc in a respectful tone, even if we disagree.

I'll complain about the idiosyncrasies, but we are very lucky overall.

[GailGoldie]

I have a good relationship with my parents - my mom moreso than my dad (my dad is difficult to get along with... always has been- now we realize he likely has asperger's syndrome, which makes dealing with him a LITTLE easier but he can still be a total dick at times- but he's getting better... i digress).

My mom is just a normal, non-needy, non-suffocating type person- to everyone, including family... she is easy to get along with.

I feel bad for people who have difficult parents - it's so hard (my dh has one who is horribly difficult)... and it's not like you can choose your family... and it takes a lot to just cut them out of your life.

[LoveTrains]

I should add that I am a firm believer that one of the reasons we have good relationships with both H's parents and my parents is that we don't talk to them every day. I talk to mine about once a week or every other week. It is perfect. We also only see my parents and his parents a few times a year because we live in a different state.

[dr.girlfriend]

The things my mom does now, she also did when I was a kid. I just have less tolerance for it now. I think people will always have some complaint about in-laws especially -- if they are not over involved they are uncaring, etc. But, I don't think most people who have problems with their parents currently see it as a sudden change.

[momof2boys]

I was thinking about this a bit tonight....my aunt and cousin are having a huge public fight on facebook, complete with disowning each other . It made me really sad to think about me and my sons ever having that sort of relationship.

Anyway, we live in the same neighborhood as my parents, and it works. It works b/c we respect each others boundaries, we don't give our opinions unless asked, and I think both sides are willing to help the other whenever possible.

That said, what DOESN"T work is constantly being negative, making rude comments and making everything all about you...this is my mother in law and my son has virtually no relationship with her, aside from the required quarterly visits.