Hypothetical find out H cheated years ago?

[hannamaren]

My H and I were just talking about this. (No idea why)
He said if he found out now that I cheated in him years ago, he wouldnt care. He did say it would have to be more than 6 yrs ago (we have been married 2 yrs and living together for 4-5yrs).
I said I wouldntcare about cheating that happened in the first month or two of our relationship (we have been together for 14 yrs) but anything after that would not just be laughed off.
So what say you?

[hannamaren]

We were 20 and 21. Second yr university.
He didnt cheat. My H is not the type. He cant keep a secret.

[thegooser]

Deleted. Too much personal info.

I would not be upset from the early dating days. I would be upset from any point from a year ago to now, even if I find out 6 years in the future. DH does not have the track record to support that kind of blow.

[Deleted]

If it were before we were exclusively dating, I wouldn't care, at least not reasonably. I guess I'd be a little annoyed but would rationalize that it was a different time than now or even when we became serious.

If I found out now that my Dh had cheated when we were dating, we'd be done. I think in other relationships/circumstances I'd understand if someone found this out and wasn't that upset or was able to get past it, but I'd also question if that person was honest in all the years in between.

I think this subject is complicated and ultimately isn't something anyone can answer accurately until they've been there.

[dexteroni]

Nov 25, 2012 21:33:26 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

He said if he found out now that I cheated in him years ago, he wouldnt care.

That would make me seriously wonder why he brought it up.

[vanillacourage]

I just wouldn't want to know.

[Deleted]

That is not something I care to discuss years later, especially if Pre marriage. It does not need to be known at this point (we've been married coming up on 10yrs). I'd be weirded out & suspicious if brought up now.

[Deleted]

Nov 25, 2012 22:15:28 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

I just wouldn't want to know.

Me neither.

[isabel]

I wouldn't want to know.

I've always told DH that I would leave him without hesitation if I found out he cheated. He is so not the type, so there's literally zero concern, anyway. But I honestly don't think I would want to know even now. He is such a loving, honest person. It would completely ruin my idea of him if I found that out, even if I could forgive him.

[ESF]

Nov 25, 2012 21:58:38 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Nov 25, 2012 21:33:26 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

He said if he found out now that I cheated in him years ago, he wouldnt care.

That would make me seriously wonder why he brought it up.

Seriously. It's such an odd topic of conversation. Were you watching a movie or something where this was the plot? Or was it more like, "wow this pie is delicious and oh and btw, if you cheated on me in 2005, I wouldn't care. Now, I'm going to remove my pants and sit on the sofa, Donald Duck style while we watch Jeopardy. You know, Alex Trebec is Canadian."

[savannah11]

Nov 25, 2012 22:23:39 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

Nov 25, 2012 22:15:28 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

I just wouldn't want to know.

Me neither.

This. Years ago my best friend's then boyfriend came to her crying and confessed he had cheated on her within the first few months they were dating. She forgave him and they are now married. I was so incredibly pissed at the time that he had told her. She was obviously upset and it was really unnecessary.

[h]

We met during college when we were 18 and 19. We were both with other people during the first year we were "dating" (to the extent that you can call hooking up at fraternity parties dating). We were upfront about it at the time, so I don't think it counts as cheating, but if I found out now that DH did something I wasn't previously aware of during the first year or two we were together, I wouldn't care at all. Cheating during the time we were definitely dating exclusively would piss me off, but I would get over it. Cheating during our marriage would be a major problem for me. That said, if it was an isolated incident 10 years ago (we've been married 11 years), I would be disinclined to leave him over it.

[Deleted]

Wouldn't care is not the right term because I would care (I would prefer not to know). However if it was a one night fling at the beginning of our relationship I would be much more likely to work through it then if it had been an on-going affair or more recently.

[sporky]

I'd be pissed. And I'm not sure that I could get past that.

[shaynaatl]

Also would not want to know.

[bunch]

I wouldn't want to know either. If we'd been married, I'd be gone. Dating I'd still flip. I spent a semester in Italy when I was 19 and we were dating, so I might get over it if it was then, but who knows.

[Deleted]

I also ask a lot of hypothetical questions so I don't think that question necessarily raises red flags. BUT add me to the camp that I wouldn't want to know if he cheated years ago.

[mrshabious]

I don't see myself getting past it - I also don't see DH doing anything like that so it is not a big concern.

re: the question, we watch a lot of Law and Order and ask each other weird what ifs all the time.

[phunluvin82]

Nov 26, 2012 5:15:58 GMT -5 @kjewell said:

Wouldn't care is not the right term because I would care (I would prefer not to know). However if it was a one night fling at the beginning of our relationship I would be much more likely to work through it then if it had been an on-going affair or more recently.

This is an important distinction to me. The timing would matter even less to me though.

A prolonged affair and coverup, repeatedly lying about whereabouts, communicating behind my back, etc = I'm out...whether it was 6 years or 6 days ago.

A one-time mistake, I think I could get over either way...but certainly easier if it were years ago, in the beginning before we were exclusive/serious, etc.

[Deleted]

I am LOL at the people who are all like "my DH would never do that" and "he's just not that type!"

Seriously. Do you most women who are cheated on think they married a man who was the cheating kind?

[readyin07]

Well...I did this.

DH and I met and dated in college...but only during the last half of our senior year. I graduated and he had to finish up a summer semester and we parted ways kind of in limbo. We were together, but had made no plans about the future...we come from different states.

I was a virgin when I met DH (yikes) and I was kind of regretting that. I knew if DH and I stayed together it would be serious. A girlfriend of mine from college spent the summer with me and was hooking up with a dear high school friend of mine who had a friend. His friend and I hooked up and went out on our own on a few occasions (no sex...I would have had to tell now DH about that). I never told DH. Honestly, I don't regret it. It helped me confirm that I was ok if DH was my first...and last sexual partner.I went up to visit him during his last few weeks of school and we put our relationship plans on more solid ground and there you have it. He moved to my state to be with me about 6-8 months later.

I won't ever tell DH. It would hurt his feelings terribly. But I don't think that he would really be angry over it per se. We have been living together for 11 years, married for 7 all faithfully so...

[Deleted]

Nov 26, 2012 13:51:02 GMT -5 papiercherri said:

I am LOL at the people who are all like "my DH would never do that" and "he's just not that type!"

Seriously. Do you most women who are cheated on think they married a man who was the cheating kind?

Yep - obviously if you're so stupid to marry the cheating type, you deserve what you get right?

No one thinks it would happen to them until it happens to them.

[sillygoosegirl]

I'd be pissed no matter how long ago it was. I think I would be more pissed if he had kept it a secret for a long time than if he told me right away. After all, it's a much greater health risk if I don't know about it for ages. He *might* get a pass if he'd had an STD test done at the time, and went behind my back and told my OBGYN about it...