Post by hereonceagain on Nov 25, 2012 22:48:40 GMT -5
I'm curious on opinions, as I just read the cheating mom post.
My teen SD steals from me. I know it but always felt I couldn't prove it 100% so really didn't do much about it other than stating what I was missing, to see her reaction.
I recently noticed my backup camera was missing. She happened to be outside, and I snooped in her purse. It was there. We were in the middle of a party so I couldn't bring it up in the moment. She left with the purse andi waited a week to see if she'd return it. Nope. I confronted her that my camera was missing and she lashed out at me and said I'm always out to get her. We got interrupted and never finished the conversation. I plan to tell her I snooped and saw it in her purse.
Not a parent but IMO snooping to bust or protect a kid (and really, busting them is often about protecting them) is ok when you have a strong suspicion. I'm of the belief that privacy goes out the window when you steal and lie. Snooping just because you can't stand that they have a private life is not.
Post by nonsenseabound on Nov 25, 2012 22:52:43 GMT -5
Heh, I would've just removed it from her purse to begin with. If she got upset, I would've said don't take my stuff without asking and we won't have this problem.
If she's a minor and if she's living in your house and you are supporting her, I think you have the right to go through her property if you suspect something.
And like PP said, I would've just taken it back in the first place. And probably locked away anything you didn't want her to touch.
Heh, I would've just removed it from her purse to begin with. If she got upset, I would've said don't take my stuff without asking and we won't have this problem.
Post by nonsenseabound on Nov 25, 2012 23:00:37 GMT -5
I don't understand. If you know she has a history of stealing, then why did you let her leave with a camera that you knew was in her purse without permission? Was it a test?
I don't understand. If you know she has a history of stealing, then why did you let her leave with a camera that you knew was in her purse without permission? Was it a test?
Agree. You should have called your DH over, taken it out of her purse, and then put it away if you didn't want to cause a big scene in front of guests. Now it's only going to be more drama, especially since you've involved her mom.
Anyway, to answer your original question, yes - if you steal from me, you have no expectation of privacy in my house. If you don't like it, you're welcome to leave.
I might have done the same. Let her take it and hoped it would be returned.
Regardless, you have every right to snoop in a situation like this. I remember my mom doing this to me regarding me lying to her about something when I was young. I remember her explaining why she had to check on certain things because of my actions and how it was going to take a while and very good behavior for her to be able to trust me again. Actions have consequences. It's a cliche for a reason.
I think that this is something you and your H need to nip in the bud now. She'll may think 'hey, I got away with that so if I take this next item it won't matter'. Letting the behavior go will only reinforce that the behavior is ok.
Nope, parents should be snooping. It's your responsibility to raise a child that is not a thief. Of course, the SM/SD interaction makes it more complex, but work with your husband to address it. Absolutely you should have taken the camera out right then, guests or not. If she doesn't want a scene in front of guests, she'll learn not to steal. What if you see her in a store doing it? Not going to address it then because it's in front of other people? Call her into the house while everyone else is still outside and deal with it immediately.
So your idea of dealing with it is not saying anything about it when you see it and can actually get the item back, or even later when she yells at you for asking where it is. I gotta say, you really showed her. lol
I'm sorry; deal with it if you're going to, and don't if you're not (some things are not worth bringing up I know). Waiting days and days and not telling your dh is kind of counterproductive, that's all.
ITA. Reading the OP and her follow-up posts has actually made me a bit stabby, LOL.
I was snooped upon as a teenager, and while it made me angry as hell when it happened, I definitely understand and think it is very justifiable in certain situations. I don't think parents should snoop unless there is something they are concerned about. If there is no trust, snooping is probably justified.
And OP, as someone who had some issues as a teenager I think you have to let go of confrontations being convenient or easy. I also don't think testing your SD is going to go over well, as she obviously cannot be trusted at this point to make the right decision. She has already been through some counseling, probably needs a great deal more, and obviously needs some serious changes in her life before she goes further into destructive behavior. Good luck, I hope you can help her grow into a responsible, successful, trustworthy young woman.
I don't see the problem with testing the kid to see if she returns it.
For what purpose? She has a history of stealing, "borrowing" other people shit without permission shouldn't be an option for her.
With her history, she should be expecting random searches and she should be called out on it--I don't care if there are guests present. Honestly, I wouldn't be allowing her to leave the house without being searched anymore.
Also, if she's stealing and mouthing off to you, why was she allowed to attend a party? When she took her purse and left, where did she go ... out with her friends, to her mom's, to school?
(Although I can understand if the alternative was to leave her home alone, to do God knows what.)
Honestly, I wouldn't be allowing her to leave the house without being searched anymore.
I agree. I'd make it a point for you and (preferably) her dad to stop her and search her before she's allowed to leave the house. And she wouldn't be going out to do anything fun until she could demonstrate that she's done stealing from people.
I would likely even snoop on the best teenager, but I might not look as hard.
This is a big reason why I have a very distant relationship with my parents these days. I was a good kid - worked full-time in high school, paid my own bills/expenses, stayed out of trouble and had straight A's. I gave my parents ZERO reason not to trust me. And then I found out they were reading my e-mails, notes from friends and going through my room. It was devastating to me. I still don't trust them.
Nip this in the bud now. My brother started out like this (taking things from my parents and pretending like he had no idea where it was when he was directly asked). He ended up stealing a credit card that they didn't use and spending about $7,000 pretty quickly. Don't let it escalate.
It it were me I would have taken the camera, period. If she is stealing from you a lot it's better she get pissed at you than get arrested down the road from a bigger stealing situation.... how do you know she isn't stealing from stores, etc? I would want to get this problem under control asap. I am sorry she is stealing from you, I hope you can find a way to catch her in the act....
I would likely even snoop on the best teenager, but I might not look as hard.
This is a big reason why I have a very distant relationship with my parents these days. I was a good kid - worked full-time in high school, paid my own bills/expenses, stayed out of trouble and had straight A's. I gave my parents ZERO reason not to trust me. And then I found out they were reading my e-mails, notes from friends and going through my room. It was devastating to me. I still don't trust them.
Yeah, I was always taught that trust was something to be earned, snooping without reason is just asshole behavior.
I would have taken the camera out of her purse and then gone and used it in front of the guests where she could see me. And as soon as the guests were gone, she would have gotten it.
Post by hereonceagain on Nov 26, 2012 13:04:26 GMT -5
I don't regret not having the conversation on the spot. I don't think it was appropriate with our situation. We had a relative come over who was just released from the hospital. We were focusing on that in the moment and I wasn't going to let her interfere with that.
I'm so sick of this. Once I talk to her, or if hubby talks to her, she will get so mad that she won't return to our home for months. I hate her cycle. At this point, I don't care if she's not with us. She is constant trouble and her mom lets her get away with everything. Of course she is going to want to go there. She is already on restriction at our house and isn't able to go out or use the computer, etc. She is in constant trouble and I don't see anything changing without help from her mom. I think she'll have to hit rock bottom once she turns 18 and then she may see the light.