Snooping.

[Deleted]

Nov 26, 2012 13:04:26 GMT -5 hereonceagain said:

I don't regret not having the conversation on the spot. I don't think it was appropriate with our situation. We had a relative come over who was just released from the hospital. We were focusing on that in the moment and I wasn't going to let her interfere with that.

I'm so sick of this. Once I talk to her, or if hubby talks to her, she will get so mad that she won't return to our home for months. I hate her cycle. At this point, I don't care if she's not with us. She is constant trouble and her mom lets her get away with everything. Of course she is going to want to go there. She is already on restriction at our house and isn't able to go out or use the computer, etc. She is in constant trouble and I don't see anything changing without help from her mom. I think she'll have to hit rock bottom once she turns 18 and then she may see the light.

My brother did a lot of this type of thing for attention and then playing my mom and dad off each other / going to the other one's house if he didn't like the rules, etc.

Both parents gave up on him.

His life is a mess. I feel like my parents really dropped the ball. No one wanted to be "the bad guy" or put their foot down so my brother ran the show and they let him. My brother is the one who really suffered in the long run. Divorce sucks for the kids more than anyone else involved. Kids do weird things to get attention and feel secure.

Don't let the stealing continue, but don't push her off on her mother, either. Demand she grow up, take responsibility and continue to visit your house even when there are rules she doesn't like. Parent her. Or make your husband do it.

[mbcdefg]

Is your H on decent terms with his ex? Is it possible to have a Come to Jesus chat with her (maybe with your lawyer present) about SD's behavior?

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It's so frustrating that her mother is enabling SD's behavior.

[miniroller]

Yeah, it's been said but Do Not give up on her!!!! This is YOUR job (as a step-parent, takes a ((teensy tiny)) backseat, but DEFINITELY ur H's job) to stop this right now!!!!
Give up?! Are you serious?!?!?

[hereonceagain]

Nov 26, 2012 17:57:26 GMT -5 miniroller said:

Yeah, it's been said but Do Not give up on her!!!! This is YOUR job (as a step-parent, takes a ((teensy tiny)) backseat, but DEFINITELY ur H's job) to stop this right now!!!!
Give up?! Are you serious?!?!?

no. I will never truely give up. I just could type for days on problems we've had over the years. DH gets along somewhat with his ex but she will not change who she is and how she wants to raise her child. She thinks our restrictions make things worse and cause SD to do worse things. She has a completely different way of thinking and in her world, it's normal for kids to do these things. We spent 6k on lawyers trying to get things resolved, but can't do that anymore. SD ran away for a bit after that and it made things sooo much worse. It will never work if her mom and stepdad aren't on board. And they never will be. They have primary custody. She ages out in a year so we aren't going to fight more on that, since by the time things get settled in court, she'd be 18 anyway.

[RoxMonster]

I can see giving her a chance to come clean. In other words, you find the camera, after guests leave (and I would put her purse in a place where you'd know it would be and she couldn't have grabbed it before that), talk to her and ask her about your camera. It's possible that some kids would think/suspect they were caught or just not be able to deal with the guilt and come clean. If she lied about it when asking her, then I'd pull her purse out and confront her with the evidence and have a conversation about not just stealing but also lying. I wouldn't let her walk around with it in her purse for days though. And yeah in this situation, snooping is totally warranted.

[limey]

You've probably already answered this in other posts about your SD, but have you and your H done family counseling to learn how to deal with her when these things come up?

[hereonceagain]

Nov 26, 2012 18:48:32 GMT -5 limey said:

You've probably already answered this in other posts about your SD, but have you and your H done family counseling to learn how to deal with her when these things come up?

He and his ex went with SD. And SD has gone by herself too (husband took her). We've had meetings with all four of us outside of the office.

[Deleted]

Sounds to me like everyone here is waiting entirely too long to deal with this and then dealing with it in the least difficult way possible which pretty much the polar opposite of how to deal with children.

[livinitup]

My mom made a point of respecting my privacy by not reading my journal or notes between friends, becuase she felt that my thoughts (and exaggerations) were my own. I knew that and felt safe - she wasn't digging through my stuff to reveal teen angst stuff. But I NEVER expected my room or backpack to be sacred from a search AFTER I STOLE SOMETHING.

Honestly, I think you have to take a cold, hard look at how bady you've mismanaged this teen (and it happens to the BEST of us) if you caught her stealing *red handed!* but still found yourself on the bad end of being scolded where she feels unjustly accused and perfectly comfortable to make YOU the bad guy. And you somehow swallowed it. That's just BAD for you. And as much as she felt smart and powerful for getting away with it - really bad for her. You have to really rethink how you let her turn things around on you. I mean, she KNOWS she stole and she still gets to cop this attitude?