If you've cut off ties with a parent, come in

[pinotgrig]

Thanks for all the feedback, guys.

[limey]

I stopped speaking to my dad in 04 and have no regrets.

You say that FIL will call out your H on lack of contact. That's when your H has to stop responding. Boundaries aren't on other people to respect; they are on you to enforce. ("you" being H, here)

He needs to stay strong and stand firm on this.

[gardengal]

I told my dad I didn't want him to contact me in any form.

I still have to throw away cards on my birthday & donate gifts at Xmas, despite having my mom remind him that he's not supposed to be contacting me (their divorce wasn't super heated).

I did want to try to remain friendly with his side of the family which has proved difficult. They were all supportive of my decision but sometimes they slip & let the info flow. Like, that I was getting married (he threatened to crash the wedding until on of his brothers told him he'd call the cops if he attempted it) or that I had a baby. I seriously dread the time when my grandparents pass. Besides the obvious reasons of being sad, I don't know how I would handle attending the funeral as my dad would be incapable of acting normal around me for even an hour.

I guess my biggest advice would to be clear & hold your ground. You lose credibility if you keep going back after a fake "crisis." Seeing a therapist was helpful for me.

[soleil]

My H cut off his parents over a year ago. He won't answer their calls, texts, or emails, blocked on facebook, etc.. The key is not to respond at all, don't answer anything, don't read anything.

It is not easy by any means, but for H it is worth the peace of mind of being free from their behavior and influence on him and his life.

[Deleted]

I've stopped speaking to my dads earlier this year. It's honestly been very hard for me. It's very bittersweet.

I had to do it for my sanity though. I had good and bad days. I've just learned to reach out to other people and to rely more on myself for certain things (putting together furniture, getting oil changes).

It's not something for everyone. And I wish I could set boundaries and still keep them in my life but they won't respect my boundaries. No matter how hard I enforce them. So I've just had to stop all contact. I've even blocked them on FB so they can't see when I comment on my siblings and vice versa.

GL. It's a sucky situation.

[rubytue]

My therapist advised me to clearly communicate that I wanted no further contact. Probably bc ignoring didn't stop anything.

Ditto the pp who said don't fall back in over a crisis bc you lose credibility. I'm still dealing with the fallout of caving 4 months ago, and it turned out to be a made up crisis. Further repeats of stop contacting me have not stopped it.

It's tough. Not a decision that should be made lightly. But I will say I'm a far better, happier, healthier person without my mother in my life. 6 months after I stopped contact, my depression lifted in a way that therapy and meds had not been able to in the 10 previous years.

[Deleted]

Nov 26, 2012 17:28:52 GMT -5 rubytue said:

It's tough. Not a decision that should be made lightly. But I will say I'm a far better, happier, healthier person without my mother in my life. 6 months after I stopped contact, my depression lifted in a way that therapy and meds had not been able to in the 10 previous years.

I agree with this. Especially the bolded. I'm finally starting to feel this way. I didn't realize how much my dads were "holding me back" in a sense. For my specific triggers, having them out of my life has slowly made me start thinking a lot clearer. I don't feel like I owe them anything anymore, so that's been enlightening.

[minniebee]

Are your H and my H the same person? It sounds like your FIL is exactly like mine. Exactly.

My SIL cut him off 10 years ago. She wrote him a letter explaining all the ways she had been hurt, how his behavior effected her, and how she would like to be treated instead. She ended by saying that unless her dad was willing to own up to his hurtful behavior, apologize to her, and change how he treats her, she no longer wanted to have contact with him. He never responded. She has seen him once since then (at our wedding). She did try to call him to tell him that she was getting married (2010) but he hung up on her. She will never make an effort to contact him again.

When H and I were first together, he hadn't been in regular contact with his dad. I just could NOT understand the situation. How can you never call your dad? That was so strange to me. I pushed H to get back in touch with his dad. It seemed so sad to me as i have a good relationship with my parents. It was a big mistake. I didn't realize what kind of man my FIL is, if I knew then what I know now, I never would have encouraged H to get in touch with his dad. FIL has done nothing but cause pain and anguish.

There was an episode last June that was so bad H responded by telling his dad that he was really upset and wouldn't go visit for Father's Day. Since then, we haven't heard from him, except for 2 emails. In one, he went on a long rant about how H is not following the Bible where it says that you're supposed to honor your father, because Jesus talked to his father every day. As a dad, FIL said that he deserves the same (basically comparing himself to God, which is not the first time he has done so). In the other email, FIL told H that he has removed H as the executor of his will. H didn't respond to either message.

Hopefully we are done with him. We are in the process of moving to another state, and FIL doesn't know we are moving, although he can still call or email.

[limey]

Nov 26, 2012 17:53:37 GMT -5 minniebee said:

My SIL cut him off 10 years ago. She wrote him a letter explaining all the ways she had been hurt, how his behavior effected her, and how she would like to be treated instead. She ended by saying that unless her dad was willing to own up to his hurtful behavior, apologize to her, and change how he treats her, she no longer wanted to have contact with him. He never responded.

I thought about doing this, I even went so far as to make a list of things I wanted to say in the letter.
I knew that nothing would come of it, so I decided to not to open myself to more hurt and not send it.

Your FIL sounds like a narcissist, as is my father.

[rubytue]

Nov 26, 2012 17:58:44 GMT -5 limey said:

Nov 26, 2012 17:53:37 GMT -5 minniebee said:

My SIL cut him off 10 years ago. She wrote him a letter explaining all the ways she had been hurt, how his behavior effected her, and how she would like to be treated instead. She ended by saying that unless her dad was willing to own up to his hurtful behavior, apologize to her, and change how he treats her, she no longer wanted to have contact with him. He never responded.

I thought about doing this, I even went so far as to make a list of things I wanted to say in the letter.
I knew that nothing would come of it, so I decided to not to open myself to more hurt and not send it.

Your FIL sounds like a narcissist, as is my father.

My therapist had me write that letter, then throw it away. And the letter I sent was just matter of fact without pointing fingers, assigning blame or asking for things that won't change.

[stephm0188]

Nov 26, 2012 17:28:52 GMT -5 rubytue said:

It's tough. Not a decision that should be made lightly. But I will say I'm a far better, happier, healthier person without my mother in my life. 6 months after I stopped contact, my depression lifted in a way that therapy and meds had not been able to in the 10 previous years.

Oh my goodness, YES.

I cut off ties with my entire family. I have no regrets. None. Before I did it, I attempted to set bounderies. "You can't speak to me this way. If you continue, I'm going to hang up/leave/ whatever" and then follow through. It's important to stay in control and not engage in an argument. And then it moved to "I've asked you to stop ______ and I'm not able to continue having a relationship with you because of _______." The last step was cutting off contact, and sticking to it.

It's been 6 years for me. I am in a much, much healthier place. But it doesn't mean that my family has given up. I still get emails. I still get messages on FB despite having blocked all of them. They still find ways to contact me, and it still feels like a punch in the gut.

It's hard around the holidays especially, but I remind myself that I don't miss MY family. I just miss the idea of having one. And I still have no regrets. It was the best decision I made for myself.

[minniebee]

Nov 26, 2012 17:58:44 GMT -5 limey said:

Nov 26, 2012 17:53:37 GMT -5 minniebee said:

My SIL cut him off 10 years ago. She wrote him a letter explaining all the ways she had been hurt, how his behavior effected her, and how she would like to be treated instead. She ended by saying that unless her dad was willing to own up to his hurtful behavior, apologize to her, and change how he treats her, she no longer wanted to have contact with him. He never responded.

I thought about doing this, I even went so far as to make a list of things I wanted to say in the letter.
I knew that nothing would come of it, so I decided to not to open myself to more hurt and not send it.

Your FIL sounds like a narcissist, as is my father.

SIL pretty much knew that her dad wouldn't respond, she knew he would be way too stubborn to admit he ever did anything wrong or hurtful. He blames everyone else for everything. Essentially, by sending the letter she was just confirming what she had thought all along, her dad is not a good person and would do nothing but continue to hurt her if she kept him in her life. She gave him one last chance to choose a relationship with his daughter over his self-centered and abusive behavior. He chose to let his daughter go. That confirmation was what she needed to officially cut him off and not feel guilty about it. For her, it was easier to cut him off that way, after he showed how little he cares about her.

[rubytue]

Nov 26, 2012 17:53:37 GMT -5 minniebee said:

When H and I were first together, he hadn't been in regular contact with his dad. I just could NOT understand the situation. How can you never call your dad? That was so strange to me. I pushed H to get back in touch with his dad. It seemed so sad to me as i have a good relationship with my parents. It was a big mistake. I didn't realize what kind of man my FIL is, if I knew then what I know now, I never would have encouraged H to get in touch with his dad. FIL has done nothing but cause pain and anguish.

I know you have gotten over this and realize how wrong it was, but I'm putting this out here for anyone else reading this thread. I had an ex that felt the same way and was always making me feel bad for not wanting to talk to my mom. Add in my mom also guilting me by telling me how horrible it was that I wouldn't talk to her, and it really does a number on your mental health.

Sometimes, I do still feel like "its your MOTHER?! How could you abandon your OWN MOTHER who raised you?!" But I am 99% over that. It helped that my eyeball issues turned up while she was harassing me this last time, and I really realized the mind-body connection and how much she affects me health.

[thegooser]

I cut my dad out for a year. We recently reconnected, sorta. We will likely never be close again, and if he ever does anything abusive again, I am done for life.

It was hard at first. Basically what I was feeling was self-pity, mourning the loss of potentially having a decent father and feeling sorry for myself because I'd never know what that kind of a relationship was like. Coming to terms with that idea was the hardest part. I missed the IDEA of a father much more than I missed my father himself. After a few months I felt so free. I didn't miss him at all.

[FloFTW]

DHs parents and brother are narcissists. They did some scary shit at the beginning of this year which made us actually change our locks and cut contact. They recently contacted us through DHs crazy preacher aunt/uncle on Facebook (trying to save our souls) but other than that, they have stayed away because once we stopped giving them what they wanted - uncompromised adoration and attention at all times - then we were nothing to them.

Don't miss them.

[thelongroad]

H cut off his mom about 4 years ago. She was the most self centered, bipolar, angry backstabbing person I have ever met. It took him many years but she finally reached the end of his rope and he told her he was done.

She has called him a couple times for BS reasons, I think testing out the waters. He told her the day he cut her off that if she can't respected me as his wife then he's done. I believe her periodic phone calls are to determine if that is still the case.

Life has been glorious since, but I do start to soften up this time of year. Although, it's her with the issue not me, so I would have to go kiss her ass to have her in our lives and I have yet to feel that soft!