If you have had a cheating ex or spouse?

[imojoebunny]

So if your DH or EX of any sort was cheating, how did you find out? I have a friend who is worried her DH is cheating. He works long hours as a lawyer and always has, but lately, has not been interested in sex with her. She is trying to figure out how to see if he is cheating, since he is always at work or with her by his claims. He seldom uses their home computer, but has two cells, one for home, one for work.

Any tips I can share with her? They have two kids, 2 and 4 and they recently sold their house to build a new one, but he has been slow to move forward.

[pugz]

checking phone records is a good place to start, but not possible with work phones usually

[limey]

Rather than immediately snooping, she should sit down and have a conversation with him about how she feels.

If their marriage is so bad that they can't or won't do that, then that is a problem that needs to be addressed.

[formerlyak]

I agree with limey about talking with the spouse first, but I found out via ex's email account. I actually wasn't in there for snoopy reasons ... we had a billing account tied to his email address, and I paid the bills, so I needed to access his account to get the bill. I asked his permission to go into his email account. He forgot to delete the "welcome to your new gmail account" email for the secret account he set up. I asked him about it and he had this whole elaborate story about being hacked, etc. My brother is a computer engineer, so I asked him if what ex was saying was even possible -- I didn't think so, but wanted a second, more educated, opinion. Brother confirmed that ex was full of shit. So I then told him that if someone hacked him, we needed to get into that account and see what they knew so we could protect ourselves. He got really nervous and said he didn't know how to do that. I did a simple change password, had the new password sent to the linked account (the account I'd been in looking for our bill) and got in to the secret account. In it, I found everything had been deleted (including the trash) except the home and cell contact info for a girl he worked with. I thought it was odd when she kept calling when I was in the hospital having a miscarriage the week before, but chalked it up to a concerned coworker who wanted to help ex not fall behind on his work. However, when I saw that her info was the only info in that secret email account I knew something was wrong. Then I logged into our cell account (which was joint) and noticed several calls/texts a day between ex and this same girl -- I knew it was her number because it was an odd area code and I asked him about it. He said I was being paranoid and it was all coincidence. Yeah, I'm not that stupid. He now lives with this girl. Apparently she IS that stupid

[winecat]

Cell phone records started it off. He shredded the cell phone bill that had hundreds of texts between the two of them and he'd never even opened the bill before. And then everything started unraveling once I started digging. He did stop wanting to have sex with me too.

Can she take a look at their bill online?

But, I agree most with the pps. Is there another reason why she suspects and can't talk to him? I totally understand if there is. Sometimes you 'can't' talk, especially if crap like this is going on.

[phunluvin82]

I have not dealt with this, but honestly, if I strongly suspected cheating, I don't know that my first inclination would be to sit down and talk to him about it. I wouldn't want to tip him off that I was suspicious so that he could be sure to cover all his tracks. Then I'd unknowingly be with this cheater until he decided on his own terms to either come clean or leave. KWIM?

[winecat]

Nov 26, 2012 19:43:14 GMT -5 phunluvin82 said:

I have not dealt with this, but honestly, if I strongly suspected cheating, I don't know that my first inclination would be to sit down and talk to him about it. I wouldn't want to tip him off that I was suspicious so that he could be sure to cover all his tracks. Then I'd unknowingly be with this cheater until he decided on his own terms to either come clean or leave. KWIM?

This. If he is cheating and she confronts him, he will deny it. I'm guessing there is something more than the 'no sex' thing. For me it was a series of very subtle behavior changes. I mentioned it to a couple of people and they thought I was BSC. I knew deep down that something was off. I never confronted him and was thus able to save my financial ass.

[fuddyduddy]

This probably doesn't help, but I wasn't even remotely suspicious when I found out. He left Skype open on the computer and I saw an instant messaging conversation between him and another woman.

I hope your friend finds clarity soon.

[limey]

Nov 26, 2012 19:43:14 GMT -5 phunluvin82 said:

I have not dealt with this, but honestly, if I strongly suspected cheating, I don't know that my first inclination would be to sit down and talk to him about it. I wouldn't want to tip him off that I was suspicious so that he could be sure to cover all his tracks. Then I'd unknowingly be with this cheater until he decided on his own terms to either come clean or leave. KWIM?

I don't disagree with this. But, if you KNOW you can't talk to your spouse honestly, doesn't that already mean your marriage is in the toilet?

[Deleted]

I agree with NOT confronting him. If she does he will deny and can get rid of evidence.

[winecat]

Nov 26, 2012 19:49:56 GMT -5 limey said:

Nov 26, 2012 19:43:14 GMT -5 phunluvin82 said:

I have not dealt with this, but honestly, if I strongly suspected cheating, I don't know that my first inclination would be to sit down and talk to him about it. I wouldn't want to tip him off that I was suspicious so that he could be sure to cover all his tracks. Then I'd unknowingly be with this cheater until he decided on his own terms to either come clean or leave. KWIM?

I don't disagree with this. But, if you KNOW you can't talk to your spouse honestly, doesn't that already mean your marriage is in the toilet?

Yes, but not because the marriage is in the "bad" but because you are dealing with a cheater. Cheaters lie.

[Deleted]

Two of my mom's best friends got divorced bc their husbands cheated on them. They both ended up hiring private investigators. Just like your friend, they worked 'long hours' and had different cell phones for work. In both cases, the PI was able to determine within a few days that the H was cheating.

[thedutchgirl]

Does she have other reasons for her suspicions besides him not wanting to have sex? I ask because I'm also a lawyer who works long hours, and sometimes work is so stressful or draining that sex is definitely not my top priority.

[imojoebunny]

Nov 26, 2012 20:06:32 GMT -5 thedutchgirl said:

Does she have other reasons for her suspicions besides him not wanting to have sex? I ask because I'm also a lawyer who works long hours, and sometimes work is so stressful or draining that sex is definitely not my top priority.

This is why she doesn't want to confront him about it. She gets that his job is hard. She just feels like his excuses not to have sex for long periods of time are difficult. This girl by the way is super attractive, and not in the girl next door way, she is the type that when we go out, guys gravitate toward and stare at, so it isn't as if she has "let herself go". The cell phone thing is a good idea, just hard with the two phones and not knowing many of his coworkers.

It might come to a PI, but I know she feels conflicted about this, since otherwise, he is a good husband, and she has been with him for 15+ years. It is hard to be super suspicious based on what she feels, but at the same time, do healthy guys just stop wanting sex for months at a time?

[thedutchgirl]

Months is pretty weird for sure.

[vegas]

Nov 26, 2012 20:06:32 GMT -5 thedutchgirl said:

Does she have other reasons for her suspicions besides him not wanting to have sex? I ask because I'm also a lawyer who works long hours, and sometimes work is so stressful or draining that sex is definitely not my top priority.

This is what I was going to say. I could have written this post about my DH. He owns his own firm so he's always really busy. DH has been sick for 3 weeks with the flu (or whatever it is) and I was healing pp so our sex life hasn't been what is used to be. We sold our house a year ago but haven't found one we like (but we are both ultra picky). Oh, and we have kids 2 years apart. Shit happens, maybe life is just preoccupying him and it's not chaeting.

But I did have a boyfriend who cheated on me in college. We dated 4 years. I was in law school and was up late getting work done when his phone rang. Caller ID said "C" so I answered it thinking it was one of our mutual friends (Chris, Carl, etc) needing a designated driver. I just missed the call and they left a voicemail so I checked it. It was Courtney wanting him to "come over and play." I woke him up by throwing the phone at him and asking if he was cheating on me with Coutney and he admitted it all right there. But honestly, up until that point I really had no reason to think he was cheating. I was busy with school so we weren't spending much time together, but otherwise there wasn't much cause for concern. Obviously this is different for married couples, but I figured I'd share my story.

I agree with not confronting until you have proof.

[fuddyduddy]

Nov 26, 2012 20:39:57 GMT -5 Stan said:

FuddyDuddy, I didn't realize that happened to you. I'm really sorry.

I found out because XH left his phone out and it buzzed with a message from her while he was in the shower. I then went digging and found a ton.

Thank you, Stan. We are divorcing as a result. It has been rough, but I know it is for the best.

I'm sorry you experienced the same thing.

[pamela]

The question doesn't have to be do healthy guys stop wanting sex. He could have a medical issue and not know it. Could have low testosterone. Never know.

[winecat]

Has she talked to him about why he doesn't want to have sex for months? He could have health problems he doesn't know about or maybe he has ED and doesn't want to talk about it?

I feel like there must be other things that are making her wonder about his fidelity. Little things not adding up, etc..

[kadams767]

Nov 26, 2012 20:20:07 GMT -5 imojoebunny said:

Nov 26, 2012 20:06:32 GMT -5 thedutchgirl said:

Does she have other reasons for her suspicions besides him not wanting to have sex? I ask because I'm also a lawyer who works long hours, and sometimes work is so stressful or draining that sex is definitely not my top priority.

This is why she doesn't want to confront him about it. She gets that his job is hard. She just feels like his excuses not to have sex for long periods of time are difficult. This girl by the way is super attractive, and not in the girl next door way, she is the type that when we go out, guys gravitate toward and stare at, so it isn't as if she has "let herself go". The cell phone thing is a good idea, just hard with the two phones and not knowing many of his coworkers.

It might come to a PI, but I know she feels conflicted about this, since otherwise, he is a good husband, and she has been with him for 15+ years. It is hard to be super suspicious based on what she feels, but at the same time, do healthy guys just stop wanting sex for months at a time?

If the sex problem is really her only inclination that he might be cheating, I have to say that I would try to talk to him about it. He might not be otherwise "healthy" and just having trouble admitting it to her. My husband and I experienced a few long dry spells, with his libido dropping drastically when he was going through a lot of stress at work, and eventually he finally came clean that he was having performance problems. He was so upset by one or two not-so-stellar performances and his sexual anxiety just spiraled out of control for months after that.

I would have thought cheating as well, except there was truly no other sign of it.

[fuddyduddy]

Nov 26, 2012 20:55:04 GMT -5 Stan said:

Nov 26, 2012 20:48:56 GMT -5 fuddyduddy said:

Thank you, Stan. We are divorcing as a result. It has been rough, but I know it is for the best.

I'm sorry you experienced the same thing.

Well he sucks, and you've always been awesome. Are you still doing nursing school?

Thanks. I'll PM you so our conversation doesn't take over this thread.

[explorer2001]

I caught my ex lying a lot. Eventually, I found pictures he took with the other women not wearing any underwear while I was putting away the laundry.

Phone records, distance, lying, internet histories (which is how I learned about my ex's other activities beyond the first OW in the pictures), trust your gut, oh and the bank records for sure.

If she thinks he's cheating there are issues for sure. I can't tell you whether or not cheating is involved. However low sex drive can also be symptomatic of stress, lower testosterone, other hormonal issues, depression, and several other medical conditions. I'm not saying or implying she's wrong (see trust your gut above), but when my ex was cheating he was horny as hell because the whole cheating/power thing did it for him. Yuck!

[phoenixrising]

I never would have suspected my STBX of cheating, and I found out when the other woman's estranged husband found me due to some apparent mad Googling skillz and clued me in. After that, I was able to piece together some stuff (like a RIDICULOUS number of texts on his cell phone line, frequent calls to a phone number that matched the area code the guy told me his STBX lived in, and eventually some emails between my H and the OW that the guy managed to find and print out and scan to share with me. It pretty well sucked, and it continue to suck most of the time.

I do have to say that we had not had sex in a while, but my mom was going through chemo and radiation at the time (she is fine now), so I was glad not to have to worry about that as well. In hindsight, maybe that should have been a red flag.

[Deleted]

Nov 26, 2012 19:23:53 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

My ex didnt hide it. I would start with a conversation...maybe look at email or FB?

Basically this. Text or FB would have told me too.

[Deleted]

I rented a car and followed my ex. He went straight to the "other woman's" house after leaving work. Then after waiting about 2 hours outside the house I dove back home. When he came home I asked him where he was. He lied.

I decided not to tip his hand to my suspicions. Then I started searching and found emails and calls from/to the other woman.

[glynn2009]

With XH it was before cell phones were common and I just felt something was off. I finally left him after 10 years and found out after I left when he was finally trying to be truthful. He told me of a time that I came home to visit for Christmas when we were expecting DD that he lied about working and had a fling with a old GF. That done it for me I no longer felt bad for leaving. I think it was more than once but I could not prove anything.
With DH I do not believe that he had a sexual affair but I do believe he had a emitonal affair 2 years ago. Once again old GF who is the nurse at our Dr's office. We did a lot of talking and are working on it. No longer go to that Dr. and I do check his texts. I have records of phone calls and texts that were between them. He does not know that but it still weights on me some.

[martini]

Sorry about your friend... I kind of lean towards if she's having these thoughts and is an otherwise rational person, she's probably right.

I started to get a little suspicious of my XH by little things. He started working out more, coming home just a bit later, picked stupid fights with me, etc. He became super protective of his phone, like wouldn't even go into the bathroom without it. I started doing a little digging... (we had a shared phone plan so that helped) When I confronted him about all the phone calls and texts, he claimed she was 'just a friend going through a rough time' and while I really wanted to believe him (the thought of a divorce was so scary to me), I knew that wasn't the case. I quietly started gathering financial info, opened a separate account in my name only, etc. I confronted him with the evidence I found (emails, IMs, etc) and kicked him out. Best decision I ever made.

[suburbanzookeeper]

I had a feeling for a while (as did our marriage therapist) but one day I caught him off guard when he had his gmail account open and I saw half a dozen emails from Adult Friend Finder & Ashley Madison on his screen for a few seconds before he flipped out on me. I was able to find his profile on both websites with ease, then it just went downhill from there. We hadn't had sex in months by that point, he kept turning me down and telling me he wasn't feeling well/was too stressed about work.

Confronting him did nothing - he was already lying to me about where he was when he said he was at work, why would he be honest that he was with his girlfriend or some other girl he met online?

[midwest07]

Since he is supposed to be at work working long hours, has she tried just calling on his office line when he should be there working late at night? Unless the potential other woman works with him, I think if she tried to call his office night after night with no response, that would clue me in. I would assume there are times he is legitimately not in his office (in the conference room, at a client's site, etc), but usually would be at his computer.

My H works long hours too as a lawyer, but I find I can usually reach him easiest at his office line after around 5:30pm. As other people have started to go home for the day, he is able to work quietly in his office. I usually call around then to see when he's coming home, what we are doing for dinner, etc.

[Deleted]

I found out by reading an email on his computer. He was in the middle of typing it, the doorbell rang, and he walked away. I entered the room and sat down, and saw he was in the middle of composing an email so I read what he was writing. It was pretty clear from that email what was going on. I call him out on it immediately and after about 5 seconds of denying it he realized I wasn't stupid and that it was pretty obvious what was going on.

I had my suspicions before reading the email, although I more suspected a flirtation than an actual affair. She lived in another state and to my knowledge it was all an emotional affair carried out via work email (they worked for the same company) and a little facebook. No phone (I checked) and no unknown whereabouts, although he saw her when we were both visiting the town she lived in before the affair started so while he has never admitted to it, I suppose there could have been a physical exchange at that point. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt on that one and honestly cared less about that than the emotional aspect anyway.

I mostly suspected because suddenly he was facebook chatting a LOT with this girl and with a few other mutual friends. He had just seen all of them for the first time in about 2 years when we visited, but the sudden excessive contact seemed really weird. We had a lot going on in our life at that point -our best friends had just broken up and one of them was suicidal, I totaled my car and was dealing with that, etc - so I'm not sure if there were other changes in our relationship, not that I could have separated from everything else going on at least.

I suppose in the case in the OP, I'd call the office and/or show up, maybe sit outside and observe the office, etc. It would be hard to prove if emails/texts/calls are done at work, but I would think it would be fairly easy to verify whether or not he's where he says he is.