Post by GailGoldie on Nov 27, 2012 18:21:17 GMT -5
when i was a kid a new girl moved to town - she and i quickly became friends.... her family situation was odd - she said her dad was "shot" and was dead.... nothing else. Her mom lived with a boyfriend who was known to be abusive (to her and her older sister - they showed up with bruises now and then that only someone who was beat would have).
Then her photo showed up in the TV guide in the "missing child" edition... my mom was totally freaked out- she KNEW it was this girl.... but realized that likely it was the dad who was looking for her (the mom and the girl were like ID twins - so we knew it was her mom).... and that her dad was likely very abusive (since she was now with another abusive man)... so my mom talked to the priincipal and guidance counselor at the school - and let them deal with it.
She didn't feel right calling the police... knowing it might put them all in a VERY bad/violent situation if the dad got them back and the mom was put in jail for "kidnapping'.... but she didn't feel right not saying something.
in the end- nothing seemed to happen- we will never know if they called teh police, or they felt the same way my mom did and did nothing.... it was all back in the 80s- so a lot different than now re: legal issues with school personell needing to call, etc.
That would be terrible to live with, but Domestic abuse is hard for people outside the marriage to detect, especially if the abused spouse does not complain for fear of retribution. Even if the person has some inkling, it is hard to know how serious the abuse is.
often times the worst abusers appear completely charming and normal to the outside world. They are evil manipulators and know how to deflect suspicion.
That would be terrible to live with, but Domestic abuse is hard for people outside the marriage to detect, especially if the abused spouse does not complain for fear of retribution. Even if the person has some inkling, it is hard to know how serious the abuse is.
Thank you!
Sometimes it's not that obvious to see, folks.
I completely understand in ordinary circumstances.
But, it seems like there were quite a lot of red flags here. This isn't just a situation of inviting a couple over for dinner and not knowing what goes beyond closed doors.
I am trying to imagine anyone I know that says "my partner ran away with my kids! I miss them so much and I really want to see them again, but please don't call the police!" and me not thinking things don't add up. Even if the writer didn't suspect abuse, that fact pattern is so fucking bizarre that it should make any person wonder WTF is going on. So that's weird. Try to imagine someone tell you that. Wouldn't you think they were insane? Wouldn't you start to get suspicious that something is not right? I mean, how does this guy know they just ran away and that they weren't abducted by a psychopath? What responsible parent doesn't call the police when their children are taken from them?
Then, when he (I'm assuming for this sentence that the letter-writer is a him) sees his friend's spouse working in another city, his inclination isn't to say "hi! it's so weird running into you up here. Are you OK? Are the kids OK? Bob has been worried sick!" but rather, to ignore* his friend's girlfriend, secretly observe what she was doing in the hair salon, and call his friend and tell him where his girlfriend is.
*I'm assuming he ignored her because if he had seen her, she would have either (1) told him not to tell the H because she feared for her life or (2) ran away before her H found her.
So, it's not a matter of not suspecting abuse. It's a matter of not having any common sense. That's why some of us are so ^o) at this letter writer.
often times the worst abusers appear completely charming and normal to the outside world. They are evil manipulators and know how to deflect suspicion.
Fair point, but it is too weird to me that someone wouldn't call the police if their children were taken from their home. Too fucking weird.
often times the worst abusers appear completely charming and normal to the outside world. They are evil manipulators and know how to deflect suspicion.
Fair point, but it is too weird to me that someone wouldn't call the police if their children were taken from their home. Too fucking weird.
Have you ever worked with poor, minority, disenfranchised, illegal aliens, or other populations that just don't trust the police? I'm all for calling the police but I know how they will respond to an upper middle class white professional woman most of the time. I can also see not wanting to call the police if you think the spouse went to stay with family but could get in trouble for taking the children. There are whole subcultures that keep family business private and wouldn't go to the police out of embrassment. They would assume the kids were safe with mom. I'm not saying it right. I'm saying its the way it is for many people. They may be ignorant. They may fear law enforcement.
So, it's not a matter of not suspecting abuse. It's a matter of not having any common sense. That's why some of us are so at this letter writer.
Fair enough, I can see why there's some questions about the letter writer. I admit I'm a little hypersensitive about the topic lately, so when people can't fathom why somebody wouldn't know what's going on, I feel the need to speak up.
I just asked H what he would have done in this situation without telling him the outcome to get a man's perspective. His response was "stay the hell away from that mess".
Fair point, but it is too weird to me that someone wouldn't call the police if their children were taken from their home. Too fucking weird.
Have you ever worked with poor, minority, disenfranchised, illegal aliens, or other populations that just don't trust the police? I'm all for calling the police but I know how they will respond to an upper middle class white professional woman most of the time. I can also see not wanting to call the police if you think the spouse went to stay with family but could get in trouble for taking the children. There are whole subcultures that keep family business private and wouldn't go to the police out of embrassment. They would assume the kids were safe with mom. I'm not saying it right. I'm saying its the way it is for many people. They may be ignorant. They may fear law enforcement.
Have you ever worked with poor, minority, disenfranchised, illegal aliens, or other populations that just don't trust the police? I'm all for calling the police but I know how they will respond to an upper middle class white professional woman most of the time. I can also see not wanting to call the police if you think the spouse went to stay with family but could get in trouble for taking the children. There are whole subcultures that keep family business private and wouldn't go to the police out of embrassment. They would assume the kids were safe with mom. I'm not saying it right. I'm saying its the way it is for many people. They may be ignorant. They may fear law enforcement.
Common sense is an uncommon thing.
OK this is a very good point.
Agree. Not calling the police does not necessarily scream 'glaring red flag' to me...it really depends. I have seen situations personally where a SO didn't want to get the other into trouble with the law...even when that SO had done something really shitty...they somehow still wanted them back and didn't want them to be angry at getting the police involved.
I feel very sorry for this person...these things are not always easy to see from the outside.