Holy crap at this Dear Prudence

[vanillacourage]

Q. Haunted By My Mistake: Last year my friend's girlfriend disappeared with their two young children. He was desperate to find them, but he did not trust the police so he did not involve them. I saw his girlfriend a few weeks later when I went to visit my sister a few hours away from where my friend and I lived. She seemed to be working at a hair salon. I called my friend and told him I'd seen her and where. My friend tracked his girlfriend down, followed her home, and killed her and one of their kids before taking his own life. I had no idea his girlfriend fled because he'd been abusing her; nothing ever indicated to me that he was controlling or violent. Even so, I am haunted by my mistake. I have fallen apart over the past year. I cannot hold down a job or maintain relationships. Two innocent people are dead because of me, and a child will grow up an orphan because of me. No one knows my involvement in the case. I fear a counselor would push me to confess to the victim's families. Maybe that is what I deserve: to be hated by them. I do not know what to do with myself.

A: I can understand your agony. While it is too late for this tragedy, it's good for anyone concerned about a friend or family member's domestic crisis that if someone does not want the police involved when that is the obvious place to turn, alarm bells should ring. You need to start taking steps to get on with your life. Naturally, you are awash with guilt, but your own ruination will do no one any good. You know you acted in all innocence—there are plenty of cases in which one parent absconds with the children leaving a decent parent bereft. You obviously would never have tipped off your friend had you known he was a maniac. First, I think you should have a consultation with a criminal defense lawyer. I'm not saying you are criminally liable, but you need to get these potential issues resolved. Then you do need to talk to a counselor. You must figure out a way to deal with your guilt and rebuild a productive life. This event will always be a scar across your psyche, but being destroyed yourself only makes one more person a victim of that monster.

:-|

[limey]

OMFG

[luvmagoldn]

I don't even know what to say.....

[explorer2001]

Sadly, volunteering in the DV world this kind of scary stuff happens more than you could imagine.

[fences]

I don't understand why not involving the police didn't raise any flags.

[ondaflipside]

Nov 27, 2012 13:07:53 GMT -5 fences said:

I don't understand why not involving the police didn't raise any flags.

This. Sadly, I grew up in a small hometown with stories such as this. I would be very suspicious.

[pugz]

ohhhhh my god

[Deleted]

Wow, I can't even imagine.

[karinothing]

How horrible. I agree that he needs to talk to a counselor. I don't really see that he has any need to talk to a criminal defense attorney. He is in no way liable for anything IMO.

I wish she would have advised him to set up a charity fund or something for the remaining kid. Maybe something like that would help him feel better.

[Deleted]

Holy hell. How horrifying.

[ESF]

My jaw is on the floor. But, the writer of the letter is a fucking dipshit, and I'm finding it hard to muster up any sympathy.

[countthestars]

:-(

[ESF]

Nov 27, 2012 13:17:53 GMT -5 karinothing said:

How horrible. I agree that he needs to talk to a counselor. I don't really see that he has any need to talk to a criminal defense attorney. He is in no way liable for anything IMO.

Meh, I think it's possible there is much more to the story. If the person is stupid enough to miss the red flags, it is entirely possible that the person did other stupid things that aren't being shared.

[KaraOrNot]

OMG.

[Deleted]

Wow, that's awful. That poor woman who "escaped" to start over, only to be exposed and killed. So scary.

The person asking the question should have noticed the red flag, but I guess he/she made an honest mistake and now I feel horrible for them too. What a terrible thing.

I think the response was good, though I also wish she would have emphasized that a counselor won't make you do anything you don't want to do (unless someone is in danger). This poor person definitely needs to talk to someone.

[Pom]

Such a horrible tragedy.

[Deleted]

I feel so bad for everyone involved. ( except the murderer) I can understand how he may have missed the red flags. People are often wrapped up in there own shit and can miss stuff

[ESF]

Nov 27, 2012 13:28:15 GMT -5 @savestheday said:

I feel so bad for everyone involved. ( except the murderer) I can understand how he may have missed the red flags. People are often wrapped up in there own shit and can miss stuff

The guy's children were missing, and the letter-writer doesn't think it's strange that he doesn't call the police?

No matter how wrapped up you get in your own life, surely you can appreciate how fucking bizarre it would be if your friend thought the police are the enemy when his children have been taken from his home without a trace.

Besides, if I saw my friend's spouse while several hours from home, I would stop and say hi, even if I knew them only very casually. So the whole situation is just odd to me.

[karinothing]

I guess I don't know, I can see why it might not raise red flags. Let say I am the crazy man and I say "Ugh, Jill left again with the kids" When my friend tells me to call the police I say "She does this all the time, she will be back soon, she is just mad at me." I guess I could see in that situation why it might not raise red flags.

How horrible though.

[ESF]

Nov 27, 2012 13:36:49 GMT -5 karinothing said:

I guess I don't know, I can see why it might not raise red flags. Let say I am the crazy man and I say "Ugh, Jill left again with the kids" When my friend tells me to call the police I say "She does this all the time, she will be back soon, she is just mad at me." I guess I could see in that situation why it might not raise red flags.

How horrible though.

This might make sense, except (1) he said the boyfriend was desperate to find her, which tells me that he really wants them back and isn't expecting them to come back; and (2) he saw her weeks later, working at a hair salon. That says, "I've started a new life far away from my husband" and not "I needed to stay at my parents for a couple nights to cool off."

[pamela]

The way most women think is so far from the way most men think though. DH would totally do something like this. Totally oblivious that the guy could be nuts, wouldn't approach the GF wherever he saw her, casually mention it to his friend. Completely unaware.

And Prudence may have suggested seeing a defense lawyer just in case the family caught wind and tried to press charges (criminal or civil) that he is somehow responsible.

[madringal]

Why are we assuming that the friend is a man?

[80sjunkie]

Wow this is terrible but I can see how someone can commit this kind of mistake. Truth is we all know the outcome so it is easy to assume we would react different, hindsight is 20-20 and all that.

[vanillacourage]

Nov 27, 2012 15:33:00 GMT -5 madringal said:

Why are we assuming that the friend is a man?

Because the OP says "I saw his girlfriend...."

[ESF]

Nov 27, 2012 15:45:00 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Nov 27, 2012 15:33:00 GMT -5 madringal said:

Why are we assuming that the friend is a man?

Because the OP says "I saw his girlfriend...."

But who is the "I" (ie the letter-writer). That is what madringal is asking, I think.

[limey]

Nov 27, 2012 15:45:00 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Nov 27, 2012 15:33:00 GMT -5 madringal said:

Why are we assuming that the friend is a man?

Because the OP says "I saw his girlfriend...."

I think she was asking about the gender of the person that wrote the letter.

[pamela]

Nov 27, 2012 15:33:00 GMT -5 madringal said:

Why are we assuming that the friend is a man?

Good question...assuming the two friends were male since it was stated otherwise. And that a woman would have gone up and talked with her instead of just seeing her at a distance.

[drloretta]

Nov 27, 2012 17:18:21 GMT -5 pamela said:

Nov 27, 2012 15:33:00 GMT -5 madringal said:

Why are we assuming that the friend is a man?

Good question...assuming the two friends were male since it was stated otherwise. And that a woman would have gone up and talked with her instead of just seeing her at a distance.

IDK if I agree. I mean, if I saw a friend's GF walking into/out of a hair salon or really any place, I don't think I'd be running down the street calling after her. I might not even be sure it was the same person.

The whole story sounds fishy, and sad.

[thumper55]

friend may have acted in innocence but I can't help but feel the friend is missing some marbles. Aside from not involving police, which is concerning already, I just think there must have been some flags. How did his/ her radar not go off?

[imojoebunny]

That would be terrible to live with, but Domestic abuse is hard for people outside the marriage to detect, especially if the abused spouse does not complain for fear of retribution. Even if the person has some inkling, it is hard to know how serious the abuse is. Despite what people say, there are people who are not physically abusive, but then become so at a point. My former co-worker killed his wife and then himself in front of their kids when faced with divorced, no one, including her family and friends had ever heard or seen any previous abuse.