I am afraid my kid is a brat

[hannamaren]

I didnt say spoiled brat. Just brat.
She will cry for almost no reason, lose her shit if she cant go somewhere (open a cupboard, eat toilet paper)
She is one. We try redirection, but it can take a very long time to redirect to a new activity. Should I just let her keep tantruming (new word I made up) I can pick her up to soothe her, but should I do that during a tantrum over getting her way? Even then, she will sometimes wriggleout of my arms because she us mad.

I dont want a bratty kid, but I dont want to be mean to my 1 yr old.

I think this is karma for me judging Moms with bratty kids (before I knew better)

[hannamaren]

At home, I can mostly handle it, but the other day we were at the book store and they have a Thomas train all set up. After a bit of playing, it was time to go home. She freaked. The only way I could get her not to throw herself out of the stroller while I tried to buckle her in was to give her cookies. Bad Mommy but no choice. Then I worry she learns how to "win by crying".
At her one yr appt the doctor said if I tell her no a few times and she continues then to take the toy away. So I do that (she understands no and often she has a little impish grin while she pushes me to see when I will crack).

[karinothing]

I think this sounds like pretty typical one year old behavior and it is probably going to be like this for the next three years Honestly DS screams and goes stiff as a board if I try to put him in the stroller when he doesn't want to be in there. I just put my hand on his torso and say DS sit for mommy and then just strap him in while he screams.

He also screams when I take him away from something he wants to do. If we are at home I just put him down and ignore him and he gets over it. If we are out I just pick him up and say it is okay and pat his back and then go outside or point out something else so he is distracted.

[bunch]

I just let her go. Usually when I walk away she stops. I used to do what ever I could to soothe or distract her in public, but I've quit. I just let her throw her fit and drag her kicking and screaming. It's pleasant.

[Deleted]

She's just hitting the "terrible twos" early. It's normal. You'll be dealing with this for the next 2-3 years. Yay toddlers

[liveintheville]

Dec 2, 2012 11:45:44 GMT -5 bunch said:

I just let her go. Usually when I walk away she stops. I used to do what ever I could to soothe or distract her in public, but I've quit. I just let her throw her fit and drag her kicking and screaming. It's pleasant.

Yep. At home I would ignore them when they threw fits. And in public I'd just remove them as quickly as possible in whatever way necessary.

[Deleted]

I am not looking forward to this.

[cjeanette]

This is normal. I ignore.

[karinothing]

Re: tantrums, do you ever just stop throwing themselves backwards. This is DS' new thing and it has caused him to bash his head into things that are not so soft. Will he eventually learn to at least be wary of where he throws himself back?

[Deleted]

I had a girlfriend on FB judge a mom with a 'brat' in public the other day. The kid was not yet 2, so it clearly wasn't automatically the result of bad parenting (her words). She got flamed to high heaven.

[whitepicketfence]

Your kid is not a brat; she's one. This is absolutely normal at this age. It will most likely peak between 15 and 18 months and then start to improve closer to age 2 when your child develops more language/communication skills.

Right now, she is mentally capable of knowing what she wants. She doesn't always know how to tell you what she wants, however, which often leads to frustration. Hence, the tantrum. It's perfectly normal for kids this age to scream, bang their heads on the floor/wall, hit, etc.

Redirection is often the best way to deal, but it doesn't always work. In that case, it's fine to let them continue their tantrum and try to ignore it as best you can.

[knitty]

If she's upset over not getting her way, comforting her is not the same as giving in. Have you read happiest toddler on the block? He has good tips for frustrated kids.

For a very long time my kids knew a snack would come once they were in their car seat. I don't see the problem with doing the same with the stroller, either a snack or a toy of whatever. What new walker would want to be tied up and unable to walk? You're not giving in, because you're not going back on what you said.

Look, the way I see it, you are on your kid's team, you're their world interpreter, and it's your job to help them learn how to get on in the world and how to cope with it. It's incredibly counterproductive if you both just get your backs up and refuse to be anything but unyielding when you have a conflict. Say you're in B&N and as you're leaving she sees the train table and loses it. You could choose to cram her inher stroller, get out of there, shove her in the car and be pissed off and grumpy at her for the rest of the day because of her behaviour. Or, you could help her learn how to deal with disappointment. You could pick her up, comfort her, empathise and give her words to express how she's feeling. "Annie is ANGRY! Annie wants to play with the trains! etc". If you're not used to kids and the meltdown is embarrassing you, then you'll be comforted by knowing as you walk out people will hear you saying "You want to play with the trains, but you're so tired because it's nap time and you didn't eat any or your lunch". It also helps you get into her mind, to help you see how frustrating it is to have so little control over your life.

Other strategies are the countdown warnings you've probably heard other parens use (we're going in five minutes, two minutes). Remove or head off all sources of conflict you can so you don't spend all day crying/annoyed. If you know getting her into the stroller will be hard, don't even try, then you haven't lost the battle. With my kids I wouldn't even mention the stroller/car seat, I'd just start talking about something else, whether it was a snack or where we were going. Be super vigilant about hunger and tiredness.

Some great books are the Ames and Ilg series, playful parenting and how to listen so your kids will talk. Ellyn Satter, too.
And these articles
ohioline.osu.edu/flm02/FS05.html
greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/post/emotion_coaching_one_of_the_most_important_parenting_practices_in_the_histo

[knitty]

Dec 2, 2012 12:34:45 GMT -5 @applesauce said:

I am not looking forward to this.

I feel sorry for people who think their little babies are hard. They are nothing compared to your average toddler ( not to say a hard baby's not harder than an easy toddler).

[pacificrules]

She needs you to consistently teach her that she doesn't get everything she wants. If she screams and then ends up being rewarded, THEN she'll be a brat. Right now, she's just testing boundaries and trying to figure out the world. You're doing the best thing for her by not letting her control the situation and showing her that throwing a fit=/= getting what she wants. It's not fun (especially in public) but it's definitely normal.

[hocus]

Normal. It will improve a fair amount once she's got some words. At one I think you can do whatever works -- redirect, ignore, quite time with you to relax. But 2 you can consider time outs.

My second born had this much worse but both kids had it.

[hocus]

Dec 2, 2012 10:49:11 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

At home, I can mostly handle it, but the other day we were at the book store and they have a Thomas train all set up. After a bit of playing, it was time to go home. She freaked. The only way I could get her not to throw herself out of the stroller while I tried to buckle her in was to give her cookies. Bad Mommy but no choice. Then I worry she learns how to "win by crying".
At her one yr appt the doctor said if I tell her no a few times and she continues then to take the toy away. So I do that (she understands no and often she has a little impish grin while she pushes me to see when I will crack).

While I get it, you are stronger and bigger than your kid. You don't need to give her cookies. Just wait it out. Carry her. Or force her in. My son loves to lock his body straight when he's mad and I just wait until he's done.

[anna7602]

Ditto pp.

EXCEPT don't freak out about the "this is the next 2-3 years" comments. It's different for everyone, obviously, but the tantrums ended for us around 2.5 or so. Basically, when DD was able to verbalize almost everything going on with her.

Also, probably my unpopular opinion, but I used food bribes for things DD didn't like/wasn't used to, like being strapped into the car seat. She rode in a car so infrequently that I honestly didn't care about the "bad habit." I just needed to get her in a car and not have her cry the whole time. In the example you just described, it sounds like she didn't want to go in the stroller because she was exploring. I consider the food a legit redirect in a scenario like that.

[Deleted]

Dec 2, 2012 14:59:35 GMT -5 knitty said:

Dec 2, 2012 12:34:45 GMT -5 @applesauce said:

I am not looking forward to this.

I feel sorry for people who think their little babies are hard. They are nothing compared to your average toddler ( not to say a hard baby's not harder than an easy toddler).

Did you take my comment to mean that I think my baby is difficult right now? That's not what I meant to say at all.

If you want to feel sorry for me, do, but not for that because I think my baby is freaking awesome.

[Deleted]

We sat outside Sprouts yesterday for 15 minutes while DS screamed. He wanted to go home. We needed bread, cheese and oranges.

He is 3.5. I don't let him win anymore with bad behavior, but at 1 you can sometimes.

[knitty]

Dec 2, 2012 16:39:04 GMT -5 @applesauce said:

Dec 2, 2012 14:59:35 GMT -5 knitty said:

I feel sorry for people who think their little babies are hard. They are nothing compared to your average toddler ( not to say a hard baby's not harder than an easy toddler).

Did you take my comment to mean that I think my baby is difficult right now? That's not what I meant to say at all.

If you want to feel sorry for me, do, but not for that because I think my baby is freaking awesome.

No, I was agreeing with you.

[Deleted]

Oh, ok.

[SusanBAnthony]

Seem of it is the kids personality. M dd has a very intense personality. She is just a challenge.

With both my kids things got much better around 18 mo the bc I could sort of communicate with them. They were barely taking, but between a very words and a vp few signs, we were all much happier.

But yes, i have had to carry a kicking screaming kid out of many a store.

[hannamaren]

Thanks everyone.
Knitty, i will remember the "we are leaving in 2min, etc" when she is a bit older. Right now, she doesnt even know where her ear is. I dont think that will work.

[jena]

I think the time warnings (leaving in 2 minutes) are a good thing to start early because a) it gets you in the habit and b) you never know exactly what they understand or when they started undertanding it - and they understand a lot that they can't express.

But basically, this is the time frame when you get to develop your mom face. That blank face stare that moms wear while they carry their tantruming child out of the store and pretend with all their being that they are invisible and no one is staring and so-help-me, do not dare get in my way because I am bulldozing my way out the door no matter what.

[Willis Jackson]

Dec 2, 2012 22:07:20 GMT -5 jena said:

But basically, this is the time frame when you get to develop your mom face. That blank face stare that moms wear while they carry their tantruming child out of the store and pretend with all their being that they are invisible and no one is staring and so-help-me, do not dare get in my way because I am bulldozing my way out the door no matter what.

lol. Yup.

I set a timer on my phone and tell DS it'll go off in 2 minutes and we'll have to leave then. It works much better than just telling him it's time to go. He thinks he can negotiate with me but not with the timer. But this didn't really work until he was almost 3.

[dochas]

Dec 2, 2012 12:51:54 GMT -5 karinothing said:

Re: tantrums, do you ever just stop throwing themselves backwards. This is DS' new thing and it has caused him to bash his head into things that are not so soft. Will he eventually learn to at least be wary of where he throws himself back?

Yes, the do stop this! Oh - that was awful. Just keep trying to catch his head and lower it to the floor.

They seem to work away from hurting themselves and more towards humiliating us. They get to know your weak points. My 2 year old now goes limp and lays on the floor like a bag of bones when he doesn't want to leave a place. I say 'walk or I will carry you'. He doesn't move. I pick him up and he starts battering my face. Screaming didn't work to well with me but when he hits me I want to crawl into a hole. The good news is that as they get older they like more things. And you have the power to take those things away.

[matildasun]

Saying goodbye and waving to things really helped us at that stage, "Goodbye trains, goodbye train table, goodbye friends".

[mrshandy]

Dec 2, 2012 12:51:54 GMT -5 karinothing said:

Re: tantrums, do you ever just stop throwing themselves backwards. This is DS' new thing and it has caused him to bash his head into things that are not so soft. Will he eventually learn to at least be wary of where he throws himself back?

DS has mastered the art of the dead man. Whenever I try to pick him up to get him do something he doesn't want to do, he goes limp and throws himself to the ground.

I think you just get stronger and more adept at controlling them.

Just watch out for his head if you're holding him and he throws himself backwards. DS I swear almost broke my nose one time with his head. It hurt for months afterwards.

[barefootcontessa]

She is still a baby. I would not worry. Some babies are easier than others.

[Deleted]

Dec 3, 2012 7:24:05 GMT -5 matildasun said:

Saying goodbye and waving to things really helped us at that stage, "Goodbye trains, goodbye train table, goodbye friends".

thank you for this tip. I am going to try it. DS loves saying byebye anyway.

OP my LO is the same age as yours and I could have written this post exactly! Karma got me for all my judging moms days when they carried out their flailing screaming kids.

Everyone thank you for the advice. I will try the timer and counting down of minutes thing once LO is older.