Rethinking my parents' length of stay

[Deleted]

When DD was born, my parents visited and stayed with us for 1mo when I started back work. That time was great! They took care of everything at home (cooking, dishes, laundry, etc). And they took care of DD, so DD ended up starting daycare at 5mos instead of 4 (length of my maternity leave).

With this baby, I've always thought I want them here at least a month again and if my mom can do at least 2 mos, that would be great. But now, I'm thinking twice about it and may just tell them they can visit for 2wks. Why?

I was not very happy after their last visit. The were here for a month. I didn't care much how they were spoiling DD and giving whatever she liked while they were here. But after they left, reprogramming DD was not fun at all!!! She was almost 2.5yo when they visited. It took forever and it was frustrating to get her back in a routine and make timeouts effective.

One thing that really upset me (which I eventually let go, but now afraid it will happen again), I sent DD to timeout. She had a sad face and some tears. A few seconds later, my dad went and got her. :@

Not sure what to ask. Ummm... Maybe, how to set boundaries with a visiting grandparents? Would you just limit their visit to maybe 2wks? WWYD?

[dcrunnergirl]

Where are they traveling from? I can't imagine having anyone stay with us for a month at any time. After our babies were born, I was ready for everyone to leave after 3 days. We needed our space as a family.

This time around, I'm thinking my mom may come for 3 days and then wait a few weeks for everything to calm down and then come again when DH goes back to work. But, she's only an hour plane ride from us, so going back and forth is easy.

[Deleted]

From Hawaii. It's about 16hr total flight time.

[ECB]

There are 2 things at play here.

When you have the baby - yeah, I might rethink it and hvae them only stay 2 weeks. But also keep in mind - I'd personally recommend still sending your DD to daycare and have them only watch the baby.

But even so- you still have to combat the bigger issue that you need for them to respect your rules. You send your DD to timeout? Your dad needs to leave it alone (but also, in the moment, you should have stopped him). I think you need to talk to them - sure, they are probably thinking "we're the grandparents, we get to spoil her" and to a degree, I kind of agree w/ it. But not in entirety when it comes to giving in to her at every turn. You've seen what a month of that does! It makes things harder on you.

You've got to address this w/ them. And even if the message is "If you can't respect our rules, then I can't have you stay here for a month" might be enough of a "Oh- wow- she really means it" that they will change their approach.

[mrssandro]

A month seems super long to me and 2 months seems like torture. I would go BSC.

I think you just need to be honest with them. Explain that you love their help but it was really difficult dealing with the tantrums after they left. Now if they are willing to help take care of your DC with the same rules and timeouts guidelines then you guys can work it out.

[Deleted]

Dec 3, 2012 15:09:58 GMT -5 ECB said:

There are 2 things at play here.

When you have the baby - yeah, I might rethink it and hvae them only stay 2 weeks. But also keep in mind - I'd personally recommend still sending your DD to daycare and have them only watch the baby.

But even so- you still have to combat the bigger issue that you need for them to respect your rules. You send your DD to timeout? Your dad needs to leave it alone (but also, in the moment, you should have stopped him). I think you need to talk to them - sure, they are probably thinking "we're the grandparents, we get to spoil her" and to a degree, I kind of agree w/ it. But not in entirety when it comes to giving in to her at every turn. You've seen what a month of that does! It makes things harder on you.

You've got to address this w/ them. And even if the message is "If you can't respect our rules, then I can't have you stay here for a month" might be enough of a "Oh- wow- she really means it" that they will change their approach.

I've always planned on sending DD to daycare when baby #2 arrives. I don't really think I would want them to watch DD plus an infant. And, I want DD to keep her daily routine.

I did tell my dad not to go get DD while she was at time out. I told him no and leave her alone 2-3x as he was walking towards her. He totally ignored me. I was pissed! But I was not really sure how to react. So, I just let it go. I mean, I never argued with my parents as an adult. I just didn't know what to do next or what to say. It didn't seem to make sense to grab DD from him and put her back to timeout. Then I started thinking, maybe I was just too uptight and need to learn to relax. Uggh! Yeah, questioning my parenting.

The next day, my mom apologized for my dad.

Thanks for the ideas. You're right, I need to discuss it with them.

I was definitely frustrated after their 1-mo visit. I felt like I had to start over on everything.

[pugz]

you dad seriously crossed a line. I think a month is way longer than necessary if your older daughter will be at daycare and won't need looking after.

[MadamePresident]

What does your husband think?

[drloretta]

If their month-long stays are beneficial in general, I'd keep with that plan.

But I'd address who the parent is, and set some ground rules. My mom HATES it when I send DD to time out (she just hates to see her grandkids cry), but we would have words if she actively interfered.

[Deleted]

Dec 3, 2012 15:31:29 GMT -5 pugz said:

you dad seriously crossed a line. I think a month is way longer than necessary if your older daughter will be at daycare and won't need looking after.

Based on DD's infant year, I want as much help as possible. I want to prepare for the worse, although I'm optimistic that this baby's 1st year won't be as bad since the circumstances will be different and I already have experience.

Dec 3, 2012 17:17:21 GMT -5 MadamePresident said:

What does your husband think?

He likes the idea of my parent/s staying with us and helping for 1-2mos with the baby. He prefers that over sending baby to daycare at 4mos or hiring a nanny.

Dec 3, 2012 17:20:19 GMT -5 drloretta said:

If their month-long stays are beneficial in general, I'd keep with that plan.

But I'd address who the parent is, and set some ground rules. My mom HATES it when I send DD to time out (she just hates to see her grandkids cry), but we would have words if she actively interfered.

Yes, their visits have been beneficial. I just didn't realize that their last visit would have required setting boundaries.

Thanks everyone. I'll focus on discussing ground rules with my parents, OR ways to avoid what happened last time. Hope we'll be able to agree.