WWYD: Over-gifting in laws...

[holly116]

So, my in laws completely go overboard for Christmas.

It seems like this would be a good thing, but a few particular issues this year are bothering me and I don't know if I'm allowing my general annoyance with them for other unrelated issues to color my view.

First off, MIL wanted a run down of what I was getting for the kids so she didn't buy duplicates. Completely understandable, and actually considerate on the surface. I'm trying to reel it in this year because the kids are little and don't know any better and we're planning to move next year. The more I buy, the more I have to pack!

So one of DD's big gifts is this 5 princess dress up outfit set from the Disney Store. She's really into princesses this year and I know she is going to love it! I tell this to MIL and I get a "well, I already bought her a Tangled doll/dress up outfit on Black Friday!" and then crickets. I think she wanted me to be like, oh that's okay! The more princess outfits the merrier! But I don't feel that way lol. My thought is, why ask me about duplicating gifts if you fully intend to still give DD what you want? We exchange gifts with them on Christmas Eve and Santa is bringing the 5 outfit set, so she's stealing my thunder, or at least it feels that way. She also mentioned buying DD a bike and a Leap Pad I said no way. She already got to play Santa with her kids, she needs to leave the big stuff for us to gift! And, she's not even 2 and a half, seriously, it would just be more for me to store till she's ready to play with it all.

Secondly, we have a smallish house (reason #1 for moving) and she keeps buying them huge toys - tents, ball pits, table and chair sets, a slide. DH jokes that it's really only hurting them because when they come to visit, they no longer have a guest room. That room has been turned into a play room lol. Still, we've directly told them that the smaller the better. This weekend, DH talks to his mother and she said that they're planning to come for a visit the week after Christmas because there is no way we're going to be able to fit all of the large toys they bought my 10 month old DS in our car.

Awesome. Huge toys and a visit not even 5 days later.

[drloretta]

Eh, it's an annual bragplaint. One the one hand, you should be happy your MIL is getting gifts for your kids at all. On the other hand, it's more crap.

We deal with it on multiple fronts, since MIL is all about "stuff" and gets us tons of duplicates.

First, I have DH talk to her. She's his mom. He can be more forceful than I ever can.
Second, we focus on her getting small and/or consumable items (bubbles, chalk, etc.). He flat-out told her the large things she got last year don't fit in the house and may not even be used
Third, I have no qualms about selling/donating/giving away stuff DD doesn't use, no matter who gave it to us

I do feel you on some level. MIL loves to get us stuff we already have (Christmas stockings, Nativity sets), and big gifts. We just do a lot of eye-rolling and do things our way as much as possible

[SusanBAnthony]

I really feel your pain.

One thing I have heard of, but haven't done myself, is tell grandparents that since you do not have room, any large toys will have to be kept at their house. It is actually a win win bc when you visit the kids have great toys to play with. That requires you to stick to your guns and possibly have a giant fight over it, though.

What i mostly do is just donate stuff later. When given the choice my kids tend to prefer to keep their older, nicer stuff, and throw away with junk mil buys.

I don't think you can be too made about the dress up outfit, but I do think it is fair to ask her to save it for a birthday, or just give here doll now, and save the outfit for her birthday.

Overall it seems like a boundaries discussion is in order. A little bit of "if you can't respect our gift giving parameters, we will not be able to spend holidays and we will have to screen your gifts before giving them to the kids." That is pretty hard core, but if she ignores polite requests, I don't know what else you can do.

[Deleted]

I don't know--I would say something about the giant things, but I would let her buy whatever she wants. It may be her way of showing she cares. Just be happy they want your kids to be happy.
Did your H have a lot when he was a kid? If they didn't have a lot of money back then, maybe they are overcompensating now.

[anna7602]

On the size of toys, I think it's fair to put your foot down. It's not reasonable to have to store a lot of large, bulky toys in a small space.

On the "stealing thunder," part- I used to feel this way, but have gotten over it. When DD was younger, I thought it was so important that WE be the ones to get her toy kitchen, not the ILs, and things like that. Now I just give in and let them pick the big thing first (within reason). DD still gets it and loves it and at the end of the day, I get so many day-to-day moments the ILs will never have that it's okay if DD gushes that her first trip ever to Disney was with the ILs (for example).

In the case of duplicates, we keep one at MIL's house and one at ours and DD seems happy to have more.

[MamaMaui24]

I would try for the "keep at your house" angle. Would that work?

[holly116]

Yeah, I think you're all right. I should just count our blessings that my kids have grandparents that really, really like to spoil them.

I like the ideas to donate duplicates and keeping large stuff at their house. I think we'll definately be doing that this year. No need to visit! Just keep all this stuff here till we're settled in our new house, at the earliest!

This is a big way that they show that they care but it kind of rubs me the wrong way, probably because it's not how my family works. I almost feel like there's an underlying string attached to it all.

[vanillacourage]

I had to point-blank tell my mom/inlaws to stop giving us huge (like, 4ft tall/wide) stuff because even though we have a bigger house (which is why they think it's ok), eventually you do hit a limit and we don't want a ton of stuff around. This year I also asked them not to give DS1 anything that requires a large track to be set up on the floor, and to be mindful of giving him things with teeny parts now that his little brother is around. I am only going to put out so much effort in keeping their toys separate, if it gets to be too much then it will go to Goodwill.

Anyway, in your case I think it's a lost cause for this year. Next summer, I'd have your DH nicely tell your mom that you've reached critical mass on toys and other items and that as she thinks about Christmas, you'd love it if she found more "experience-based" things like zoo memberships, etc. Otherwise you'll hate to do it but you'll have to start clearing out previous years' gifts via Goodwill to make room.

[MamaMaui24]

oh yeah - since you have the move thing in the works, go for that "we'll keep these at your house since we're about to move" then they can just stay there.

[MadamePresident]

Legos. They can spend tons of money on the huge sets, but they don't take up a ton of space. That's my plan. Of course my daughter is only 2 months, but one day.

[SusanBAnthony]

Dec 3, 2012 20:46:08 GMT -5 MadamePresident said:

Legos. They can spend tons of money on the huge sets, but they don't take up a ton of space. That's my plan. Of course my daughter is only 2 months, but one day.

This is so true! My mom buys the kids duplos all the time, and it doesn't phase me, bc it is just one more bag of duplos dumped in the giant tub of duplos!

I also try to get my mom to buy useful stuff like snow pants and winter boots- stuff we actually need. It works well, but she still buys toys on top of that.

My parents got all butt hurt when they found out I donated some of the stuff they gave the kids. This was several years old stuff, too- I can't believe they even remembered it. Now they want me to return anything that I am going to get rid of so they can keep it at their house. This throws a wrench in my plans, bc then they will know how much of the stuff they buy the kids gets donated! Crap! Luckily my mil is oblivious and doesn't notice.

I try to ignore it and let them be grandparents who just want to spoil the grand kids. I have gotten much better at that. But still, there comes a point when I just can't take it anymore!

[Deleted]

PPers have some good advice RE: keeping big toys at ILs housing, donating, etc...

DS (9mo) is the first grandkid for both our families, so I know both sets of ILs are going to go NUTS this Christmas. Rather than being resentful and ungrateful about the ridiculous amount of gifts, I made the conscious decision to see their over-gifting as a blessing. I'm a SAHM and money is tight, so I can't buy DS everything I want to, but he'll get a ton of presents thanks to my ILs. I fully plan to let them buy the big things (Radio Flyer, bike, train set) and I get to enjoy picking out just a couple of high-quality toys that will last a long time (this year, a wood stacking rings). Everybody wins!

[Deleted]

My DD is also 2.5. I highly doubt the gift the night before would steal your thunder. She's 2.5.

[holly116]

Dec 4, 2012 7:06:28 GMT -5 @irishbride said:

My DD is also 2.5. I highly doubt the gift the night before would steal your thunder. She's 2.5.

I realize how silly this is. DD will have a blast and won't know who gave her what at the end of the day. I've decided that I'm going to let it go entirely. Thank you all for helping me count our blessings!

But just to shine a bit light on where my initial annoyance came from, this exact scenario happened two years ago with our nephew. I bought him a kid sized digital camera for Christmas and when SIL found out, she asked me to take it back and not give it to him. She wanted to get him that gift and I completely understood that and did as she wished. So I was sort of taken aback when her mother, my MIL, didn't see our situation this year the same way. If that hadn't happened, I probably wouldn't have thought anything of it.

[Deleted]

I feel your pain too. I'm the one with a MIL who mails us 1 item of pink clothing from Nordstrom each week. The kid has already outgrown like $250 in Nordstrom clothing.

The problem for us will be that between my parents and H's divorced parents, the kidlet is going to be spolied rotten at 7 weeks old. One of my to-dos this week is email them a list of things we still NEED for the baby. Included in that email will be "for gods sake we don't need any clothing!"