I've been trying to write this out for days. Here goes.
I don't even know where to start. I guess I can start with the fact that it was probably the worst day of my life. It was the worst funeral I've ever been to. Even worse than my own dad's. It was so heartbreaking watching my DD cry over her dad and see how conflicted my son felt.
I was so afraid that someone in his family would say something inappropriate to me or my kids and of course it happened. Basically, the entire thing was a total clusterfuck.
They were waiting on us to get things started. Guess we had to sign paperwork to see his body. ? Whatever. I'm sitting in the reception area with my kids and some of his family and the lady in charge of his viewing is trying to collect the payment. I was told that his mom was going to take care of everything that morning. They couldn't verify funds in his cousin's bank account so they wouldn't let the viewing start. WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK? I'm sitting there in total shock that this is happening in front of my kids. Why wasn't this taken care of already??? Who does this??? I actually sent money to help his family pay for his viewing and this bullshit is occurring?? I had to go outside before I blew my stack.
Because of all this crap going on the minister they had come to say a few words had to leave to go to another appointment so he said a prayer in the reception area with my kids.
So the actual viewing/funeral gets started an hour late. We all line up to go inside. My stomach is in knots and I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. They wanted us to go in first. The lady in charge kept saying he looked good, like he was sleeping. We go inside of course we all start crying. He actually looked just like himself. He really looked like he was sleeping. My poor DD. My poor baby will never really know her dad the way should should have known him. My poor son will always carry around guilt for pushing his dad away. I will always carry around the guilt that maybe I was too much of a bitch at times and didn't make things easier for him to see the kids. It was completely awful seeing him there. All the anger I've carried with me for the last 12 years just faded into pity. He had a miserable life and he won't ever get the chance to have a good life.
It wasn't a typical funeral so people would go up to see him and say something if they wanted. His mom yells out how he just wanted his son to accept him. I must have given her the death stare. How dare she do that to my son. I was so pissed and was ready to get my kids and leave but I didn't want to cause a scene. She then goes on to say that his life fell apart because he just wanted his family back. Ugh. Aside from those outbursts it was really heartbreaking so watch his family cry over him.
When it was wrapping up his mom wanted the kids to have time alone so everyone left. I guess when they were all outside she thanked my DH for bringing her son's family back to him. Seriously??? Ugh. DH was so uncomfortable and didn't know what to say.
His mom gave the kids some of his stuff to take home and she said she's planning on sending them more when she gets back home and goes thru his stuff. I'm not holding my breath since she basically forgot about the kids when ex-H and I split up.
I still can't believe that he's gone. I thought I would have to deal with him for the next 50 years and now that's all gone. I'm making an appointment for my DD to talk to our therapist. I encouraged my son to go but he keeps insisting that he's ok. We'll see. He wrote this big long post on FB about how he'll never get to know his dad and that his dad never got to know him. How the last thing he said to his dad was that he didn't want to talk to him and that he wishes he could take it back. :-(
Thank for you listening. Any words of encouragement would really be appreciated.
I'm so sorry kateausten. How freaking heartbreaking and horrible for everyone involved, especially your children. I hope you and your children can get the support and help that you need.
I'm so sorry. What kind of a grandmother says that to her grieving grandchild? I'm angry for you.
His family is so messed up. Drugs, drinking, abuse, arrests, etc. The list goes on and on. They don't know how to be normal at all.
Ex-H told my mom a long time ago that he wanted to be normal like my family. Poor guy. He knew they were all screwed up but I guess it's hard to change.
I am so sorry you had to go through all that. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children. I hope that the therapy does help your daughter and eventually, when the time is right, your son will open up to you or someone close.
Would your son go to therapy if you told him he just has to try it three times and then if he doesn't like it he can stop? Tell him he doesn't even have to talk about his dad, just whatever is on his mind.
Sounds like it might be good for him once he gets there.
No kids should have to deal with this. I'm so sorry.
I think randomcdn's idea is good - just "let's try 3 visits just so you can talk to someone and get stuff off your chest" if you will.
I have no advice, other than to say you are an incredibly strong lady for managing through this with your family. I'm glad your son and daughter have you to look up to.
Would your son go to therapy if you told him he just has to try it three times and then if he doesn't like it he can stop? Tell him he doesn't even have to talk about his dad, just whatever is on his mind.
Sounds like it might be good for him once he gets there.
No kids should have to deal with this. I'm so sorry.
He went to therapy all thru high school. He's 20 now. He knows he can go whenever he wants. I hate that I can't "make" him go but he's an adult. I just worry about him. People that bottle up their emotions end up like my ex-h.
Oh geez. I'm sorry you all had to deal with such a clusterfuck. Shame on ex-MIL for acting so inappropriately.
I hope your son will end up going to therapy or can at least make his own peace with the situation. Maybe if you share your concerns that he'll grow up to be like that family and you want better than that for him? Or if your daughter is close to him, maybe she can talk to him about it?
He went to therapy all thru high school. He's 20 now. He knows he can go whenever he wants. I hate that I can't "make" him go but he's an adult. I just worry about him. People that bottle up their emotions end up like my ex-h.
Can you tell him this? Maybe it will help him toward a different decision toward counseling.
I am so sorry you and your kids had to go (and are going) through this.
Oh, I thought he was younger for some reason. I agree with the other poster, tell him you're just worried and would he go a few times for your peace of mind. It seems like it's what he needs, but he's reluctant to take the first step.
I can't help think that if I knew why he didn't want to talk to his dad my answer and anyone else's would have been "i'd have done/said the exact same thing." (not asking you to tell me. Just reading this post, that's my gut reaction. That it must have been bad. And there must have been a lot of crap piled on this kid before he finally said 'enough is enough. You're toxic, I don't deserve this and won't put up with it anymore")
You can be proud that you conducted yourself with some dignity.
DS - I do not know how old he is, but indeed he needs to see a counselor. I would not give an option. We are ALL going to see a counselor to deal withour grief. (individually) Once there, they will help him deal with all the issues with his dad.