How to help DH with parenting confidence

[Deleted]

Every night DH insists on rocking DD to sleep. And almost every night I end up relieving him after listening to her scream bloody murder on the monitor for 20-30 minutes. He gets so pissed because she calms down and falls asleep within minutes for me.

The problem is, he doesn't hold her in a way that settles her down and he doesn't try different ways of holding her. She calms down almost instantly if she is cradled so her body is squished almost in half, all of her limbs are restrained, and you "shush" in her ear. OR she likes you to stand, bounce, sway and "shush" while holding her sideways belly-to-belly so that your body holds the pacifier in her mouth.

When I went up to relieve him tonight after 20 minutes, he said angrily, "she's gonna have to learn to fall asleep for me eventually" with some expletives thrown in. Then he handed her over and went downstairs and proceeded to slam kitchen cabinets.

I have tried to gently share what works for me, but I can tell he gets annoyed - like I am telling him what to do or something. I'm not sure how to give advice without seeming like a know-it-all. And this is not to say I know what I'm doing, because I am flying by the seat of my pants like any other new mom. I've just spent more alone time with DD so I am more familiar with some of her preferences.

He's never really been alone with DD for more than an hour or so and usually she's sleeping (it's usually just easier to take her with me instead of pumping for bottles - plus she is a decent napper in the car and stroller). I have to work late tomorrow so DH will be flying solo during prime witching hours and bedtime. I know he's nervous about it, especially after dealing with her tonight.

He bought me a spa day as my "slice" present (ha) and I will be redeeming it over the holidays since he will be home. He's already mentioned inviting his mom over to help him! I have to say, I'm kinda annoyed but I know it's because he's not confident.

How the heck do I build his confidence and give advice without sounding smug?

[Deleted]

He kind of sounds like he's not interested in listening to advice. Which sucks.

DH was always in charge of bath and jammies, but I put DS to sleep. If what you're doing isn't working, maybe it's time to switch up the roles.

[Brie]

I do a sink or swim approach. I would leave him there with her until he asked for my help, got over himself and took my advice to get her to sleep, or figured out his own way to do it. He's not going to gain confidence if you keep "rescuing" him.

[froggy76]

Watch the Happiest Baby on the Block video with him and then let him figure it out himself. What works for you probably won't work for him, anyway. Most babies are much calmer with Mommy, so it's not going to be as easy for him as it is for you. That doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong. DH always had different ways of calming DD than I did... he just needed enough time with her to figure out what worked for him.

[Deleted]

I don't even have a kid yet so may be this the worst advice ever but what about just not going in after 20 minutes? Maybe if he had more time he'd develop new techniques?

[Deleted]

I was very careful to say "this is what I have found works sometimes" - for some reason when I worded it like that or in a similarly passive manner H was much more receptive than if I said "this is what he likes/what I do."

Also like pp I was a big fan of the sink or swim approach. H always has loved one on one time with DS, and part of that is bc I restrained myself from getting involved a lot.

Finally, I had to really drum it into H's head that its not really personal. Sometimes DS prefers me, no matter what. Sometimes he prefers H. He always prefers my dad for some reason lol. It's not personal. It just is. If your H is making an effort, trying to get involved, and the like, that's great. He needs to keep trying and to be more open to how the baby likes to be comforted though - bc this isn't about him, kwim?

[moonstone523]

Two suggestions:

- positive reinforcement. When he does something that the baby loves make a huge deal about it. Make something that is pretty insignificant or routine for you, seem huge if done successfully by your H.

- Sink or swim. Leave your H alone to do it himself.

[arch01]

i agree with others, i found it was better received if i worded it as a "this works sometimes" or "i've tried a number of things and this is what usually works" or something along those lines to let DH see i went through trial/error too.

one thing that really, really helped us is we were both "experts" in different things. he always did bath time, so if i did it occasionally, he would be there with me to give me tips and vice versa. it made him feel important and that he knew something better than i did-which broke down the "mom always knows best" since it's not necessarily true.

also-if he does something well, really encourage it. compliment him on it... i remember often saying that he was doing things better/faster/whatever than i was.

[jena]

For giving advice, first you need to time it right - maybe in the morning or well before bed time. Not right as he's going in. Then, make sure you stress that.NOTHING works all the time but sometimes you find x, y and z help. And you've read that a,b, and c can help but you haven't tried them. FWIW, dh and I never put the kids to sleep exactly the same way, he has his own methods that work for him.

Does your dh want to be rescued? Or are you jumping in when he still thinks he can do it? Ask him if he wants you to come in, if so, how long should you wait or have him text you when he needs something.

Sent from my HTCEVOV4G using proboards

[Deleted]

I think he takes it too personally. He has said a few times that dd hates him. I know he's mostly kidding, but I know it upsets him too.

The reason I relieve him is because we have a rule that we give each other a break if she's been crying for too long (this is a frequent occurrence). For a while she wouldn't settle with me but DH would get her to sleep instantly.

After tonight he asked if we could take turns every other night.

I am curious to see how he will do tomorrow night without me.

[drloretta]

Leave. He'll figure it out.

Heck, we still have this issue to a lesser degree, and DD is almost 3. For months and months, I was always the one to put DD down for the night. DH decided it was more equitable if we split nights. I can get her down in 5 minutes, it took him a half hour. He actually asked me what worked for me, so I was able to give him some tips. But I was determined early on to sit downstairs and knit for as long as it took to get her to bed.

[gibbinator]

I agree that it would be more constructive to give him pointers when you're not in the thick of crying - no one is open to advice when frustrated, kwim?

He may need to learn his own tricks too. I can't settle ds the same way dh does. We just both do what we've learned works for us. Trial by fire

[knitty]

Dec 6, 2012 21:22:48 GMT -5 @libgrl said:

I don't even have a kid yet so may be this the worst advice ever but what about just not going in after 20 minutes? Maybe if he had more time he'd develop new techniques?

I think this is the only solution. How old is your baby? I don't think my hormones would have let me do it when mine were only a few weeks old. The way he settles her is almost certainly going to look different to the way you do it, but that's OK - after all, you had to figure out your technique by trial and error, didn't you?

Also, more settling time outside of bedtime is crucial. You have got to get the two of them used to each other!

[brit1017]

Dec 6, 2012 21:21:26 GMT -5 Brie said:

I do a sink or swim approach. I would leave him there with her until he asked for my help, got over himself and took my advice to get her to sleep, or figured out his own way to do it. He's not going to gain confidence if you keep "rescuing" him.

This. What works for you may not work for him. He needs to figure out for himself how to do things. DH and I work separate shifts, so we each had to deal with the kids alone with no backup. He soothes and puts to bed differently than I do, but it works for him.

[Deleted]

Not to be snarky, but I hope you never plan on leaving your child at daycare because most daycares will not rock your child to sleep for naps etc.
But to your question, I wouldnt' help him. Let him figure it out or maybe he'll realize he should take your advice.

[karinothing]

Dec 7, 2012 9:24:53 GMT -5 flygirl said:

Not to be snarky, but I hope you never plan on leaving your child at daycare because most daycares will not rock your child to sleep for naps etc.
But to your question, I wouldnt' help him. Let him figure it out or maybe he'll realize he should take your advice.

Daycare is a whole different ball game. And our daycare does rock the infants to sleep for the first couple weeks ;D until they can help train them to fall asleep on their own.

Seriously though, don't worry about this. Baby sleep at daycare is 100% different than baby sleep at home. I nurse DS to sleep for naps (or DH gives him milk) obviously daycare can't do this. DH has tried to get him to sleep without milk, he refuses. At daycare they sit him on his bed and say "Lay your head down, night night" and he lays down and sleeps two hours. Daycare is magic.

[Deleted]

His tantrum is why I don't think "sink or swim" is safe for the baby right now.

[brit1017]

Dec 7, 2012 9:36:59 GMT -5 @barefootbarista said:

Dec 7, 2012 9:34:41 GMT -5 BirdGirl said:

No one else is concerned by this reaction? This reaction to a newborn isn't healthy. He needs to learn some perspective before he sinks or swims. It sounds like he's incredibly stubborn and unwilling to try different things. Neither DH nor I needed someone to tell us if one thing wasn't working to try something else - it doesn't have to be what you do, it just has to be something that makes her happier than she currently is when she's crying. Some babies can't be soothed, but it sounds like yours can. Why is he insisting on doing one thing only?

I was a bit concerned. H and I had a few disagreements about how to best deal with ToddlerB when she was a baby. What I did worked, he would try something different and I would be all like "don't you see it isn't working? why just not do what works?"
Seriously, it irritated the hell out of me.

Now that she is older she is less picky. I think that when they are young you do what works and what they like. There is no getting a 3 month old "used" to something, IMO.

I took it as his frustration was not with the baby, but with OP. He is right- he does have to learn how to put her to sleep, and DD needs to learn that she can fall asleep for him as well as mom. I'm sure it is frustrating to always be "rescued" before you get the chance to learn what to do. What works for mom doesn't always work for dad. He (and DD) need the time to figure it out without being cut short.

[Deleted]

Honestly, after 20 minutes of inconsolable crying, I'd guess that the frustration could easily be at the baby. I have been frustrated with my baby, and I have tagged out because of it. I did not need more time to "win", I needed a break before I lost my sleep deprived shit.

[Deleted]

Dec 7, 2012 9:34:41 GMT -5 BirdGirl said:

Dec 6, 2012 21:09:51 GMT -5 @tracy1031 said:

When I went up to relieve him tonight after 20 minutes, he said angrily, "she's gonna have to learn to fall asleep for me eventually" with some expletives thrown in. Then he handed her over and went downstairs and proceeded to slam kitchen cabinets.

No one else is concerned by this reaction? This reaction to a newborn isn't healthy. He needs to learn some perspective before he sinks or swims. It sounds like he's incredibly stubborn and unwilling to try different things. Neither DH nor I needed someone to tell us if one thing wasn't working to try something else - it doesn't have to be what you do, it just has to be something that makes her happier than she currently is when she's crying. Some babies can't be soothed, but it sounds like yours can. Why is he insisting on doing one thing only?

Easy, killer. He got frustrated. I get the same way even after trying a million different things and she still screams at me for long periods of time.

[Deleted]

Dec 7, 2012 9:24:53 GMT -5 flygirl said:

Not to be snarky, but I hope you never plan on leaving your child at daycare because most daycares will not rock your child to sleep for naps etc.
But to your question, I wouldnt' help him. Let him figure it out or maybe he'll realize he should take your advice.

She actually does great in daycare. But day time and night time are two entirely different beasts with her.

[Deleted]

FTR, for the first 2 months of her life he was the only one who could console her. There were many days that he would come home from work and I would be at the end of my rope. I don't think it's fair to him because he can't nurse her to sleep like I can.

Please don't think my H is an angry man. That's not why I posted my question.

[Deleted]

Dec 7, 2012 9:43:18 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

Honestly, after 20 minutes of inconsolable crying, I'd guess that the frustration could easily be at the baby. I have been frustrated with my baby, and I have tagged out because of it. I did not need more time to "win", I needed a break before I lost my sleep deprived shit.

He was frustrated in the moment. He is not a safety hazard. Trust me.

[ijack]

how old is she?

[Deleted]

Dec 7, 2012 10:31:04 GMT -5 ijack said:

how old is she?

3 months

[Deleted]

It doesn't mean DH is a bad parent if he gets frustrated. It means he's human. I just figure that everything is a stage with babies, and you can ride it out the easy way or you can make everyone miserable fighting to force things to go a certain way. I do my best to do things the easy way - that means I was the person that finished most (not all) bedtimes for a long time. And now I still am, but if I need to go away for a night or three, DH makes do. It's just not worth it to me to make him and the baby have a shitty night for no reason other than to make things "fair".

[water*drop]

For us, sink or swim did it because I was gone over bedtime twice a week when I went back to work. I had to let go of wanting it to go my way, though. She cries more when she goes to bed for him, and he doesn't pick her up as quickly as I would or sing the same songs that I would...but it works for him, and it's not hurting her, so I don't say a word and let him do it his way.

Also, as far as comforting techniques go, what works for me fails miserably for DH, so when I suggest something I make it clear that I understand that it might not work for him. Before I did that, DH would get frustrated because he would try what I suggested, it wouldn't work, and then I'd try to troubleshoot what he did, which made him feel like he was doing something wrong when it was really just that we weren't recognizing DD's preferences might be different with each of us. For me, DD wants to be cradled and snuggled. For DH, she likes to just be sprawled out flat on her back on his lap while he rocks her and rubs her foot (random, I know). If he tries to cradle her, she flips out.