Tell me it's ok to say no to this.

[iamali]

I mean, I've pretty much already made up my mind, but I'm wanting re-assurance.

My SIL (whom I love and is utterly fantastic) is throwing a b-day party for me and her H (my BIL) tomorrow. BIL and I share the same b-day, and the reality is the party is mainly for him, but since it's my b-day too some people play along with it.

In the past I've gone with my H and we always crash at their place because it's a 2.5 hour drive (each way) for us and the focus of the party is drinking in excess.

Well, since he's a JW again I was going to go solo this year. I'm fine with as I adore my BIL and SIL. We have a great relationship IMO, they're really taken me into the family.

So, here is the issue. I texted SIL yesterday and asked what time she wanted to come over and asked if it was ok if I stayed the night (because I don't want to assume anything).

She said to come over around 7 and that she was really sorry, but she doesn't get a lot of alone time with her H and was hoping for a romantic evening. Basically, no, you can't spend the night.

I completely understand this (her H works in No. Cal during the week and drives down on weekends) and am not mad at her in the least (I really want to stress that part). BUT, I really don't want to drive 2.5 hours (probably more because traffic this weekend will probably suck) only to hang out and not be able to drink because I have to drive 2.5 hours home.

How can I say thanks, but I can't make it w/o being a total jerk. I was really, REALLY looking forward to going to this so I could let loose for a while, but since that won't be happening it just feels like a waste.

What say you ML?

[saraandmichael]

get a hotel room!

[Deleted]

Is there any way that you could book a cheap hotel for the night and maybe hang out at the pool for a few hours the next day?

If not, I'd say it's completely okay and your SIL will understand.

[speckledfrog]

Drink enough that you pass out and then they'll have to let you stay.

[spitforspat]

Suck! I there anyone else you can stay with? Or get a hotel room for yourself and have a relaxing bday morning?

You deserve to celebrate your bday!

BUT, if you don't want to/can't go, it shouldn't be a big deal. I would understand.

[housegeek]

I think it's fine to say thanks but you're going to pass. Do you have any local friends you can hang out with for a bit?

[sake]

Are there any other friends or family you could stay with there? Could you get a hotel room?

If not, I would just let her now you really appreciate the offer, but since you can't drink and drive, and your H won't be coming, you won't be able to attend.

[iamali]

May 25, 2012 12:31:50 GMT -5 housegeek said:

I think it's fine to say thanks but you're going to pass. Do you have any local friends you can hang out with for a bit?

.

I am not really close with anyone who lives up there. Well, except my IL's and I don't want to go over there stumbling drunk from b-day party (their JW's too) at 1am.

I don't want to get a hotel because that would still involve me driving while very intoxicated in a place that I'm unfamiliar with

[evee]

I think you should say to her that since she and BIL don't get much alone time together, that you don't want to ruin their romantic evening. So you feel it's your duty as her SIL to make sure she enjoys every moment she has with BIL.

Then you don't have to travel that far.

You can then throw a super huge block party and get waisted in your front yard with the neighbors.

Win Win for all.

[Chloride Kate]

It is okay to say no, but if you want to go, go and get a hotel room. There is no reason you shouldn't have an enjoyable evening if you are looking forward to it. Arrange a taxi and have a blast.

If ultimately you just don't want to go through with it, your SIL will understand. Just be truthful as she was with you. You will probably both be bummed, but being honest here is the best policy. Kudos to you both for being open about this. I wish I had as good of a relationship with my SIL.

[saraandmichael]

get a hotel room and then get a cab.

you need some time to decompress. i think this is a good opportunity for you to let loose and just have fun.

[greylady]

This is perhaps intolerant, but just because he pulled a bait and switch on you doesn't mean he gets to opt out of life. I don't see why he can't drive with you, find something else to occupy his time while you visit, and then he can drive you home. Your life shouldn't have to be put on hold, and i think he needs to be on the receiving end of the inconvenience of HIS choices.

[sprky79]

You can get a cab to take you to the hotel :-)

Otherwise, I hate to say it, but Evee has a good idea for a response.

[loveablesarah]

It sounds like you are pretty close. Can you just be honest and say it's a really long drive by yourself for only a few hours and since H can't come this time, you just don't feel up to dealing with that kind of drive and potential traffic. Thanks for the invite. Maybe invite them to come stay with you in a couple weeks to celebrate birthdays?

I would say don't lie or make up an excuse. She'll see through it and it makes you look like more of a jerk to lie. My SIL does this all the time. I wish she would just say - "I don't want to go." or "It's not my thing" or whatever the reason, just tell me straight.

[hubes]

May 25, 2012 12:37:45 GMT -5 greylady said:

This is perhaps intolerant, but just because he pulled a bait and switch on you doesn't mean he gets to opt out of life. I don't see why he can't drive with you, find something else to occupy his time while you visit, and then he can drive you home. Your life shouldn't have to be put on hold, and i think he needs to be on the receiving end of the inconvenience of HIS choices.

I agree.

[eightangryreindeer]

May 25, 2012 12:30:35 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Drink enough that you pass out and then they'll have to let you stay.

LOL!!

[iamali]

May 25, 2012 12:37:45 GMT -5 greylady said:

This is perhaps intolerant, but just because he pulled a bait and switch on you doesn't mean he gets to opt out of life. I don't see why he can't drive with you, find something else to occupy his time while you visit, and then he can drive you home. Your life shouldn't have to be put on hold, and i think he needs to be on the receiving end of the inconvenience of HIS choices.

Welllll, actually this weekend is the big JW National Convention (I shit you not) and he's there today and will be for the rest of the weekend, so him driving is sadly not an option (ugh, I wish it was!).

[onesweetworld]

What Sara said....cab and hotel. You need this!

[iamali]

Ok, I checked a few hotels. They are utterly ridiculously priced (because it's Memorial Day weekend I think?). Like the cheapest I found in their city is still over $200.

[greylady]

May 25, 2012 12:42:40 GMT -5 iamali said:

May 25, 2012 12:37:45 GMT -5 greylady said:

This is perhaps intolerant, but just because he pulled a bait and switch on you doesn't mean he gets to opt out of life. I don't see why he can't drive with you, find something else to occupy his time while you visit, and then he can drive you home. Your life shouldn't have to be put on hold, and i think he needs to be on the receiving end of the inconvenience of HIS choices.

Welllll, actually this weekend is the big JW National Convention (I shit you not) and he's there today and will be for the rest of the weekend, so him driving is sadly not an option (ugh, I wish it was!).

That sucks, I'm really sorry.

[saraandmichael]

May 25, 2012 12:44:57 GMT -5 iamali said:

Ok, I checked a few hotels. They are utterly ridiculously priced (because it's Memorial Day weekend I think?). Like the cheapest I found in their city is still over $200.

priceline!

seriously, you deserve the time to yourself. and the time to get shitfaced.

and how did i miss your husband turning into a jehovah?

[sarahbear]

Say no to the party. Stay local and go drinking/relaxing with your girlfriends.

[speckledfrog]

Okay, new plan! Rent a minivan, drink your ass off, and sleep in the van in their driveway. Win win!

[sprky79]

Say no to the party, buy a HUGE amout of things that are bad for you. These include:

Several bottles of wine
Numerous freezer pizzas
Chips! Chips! Chips!
CHOCOLATE.

Then throw yourself a truly awesome party for one at home. You won't have to drive anywhere, and you can still decompress.

[Tacocat]

Driving 5 hours in one day to hang out for a couple hours would not be worth it to me - I'd be honest and tell her that. Do you have some girlfriends in town you could hang out with tomorrow instead?

[Deleted]

May 25, 2012 12:37:45 GMT -5 greylady said:

This is perhaps intolerant, but just because he pulled a bait and switch on you doesn't mean he gets to opt out of life. I don't see why he can't drive with you, find something else to occupy his time while you visit, and then he can drive you home. Your life shouldn't have to be put on hold, and i think he needs to be on the receiving end of the inconvenience of HIS choices.

Ali- This. Just because he doesn't celebrate birthday's right now doesn't mean he can't accomodate you on your special day.

[Deleted]

May 25, 2012 12:45:00 GMT -5 greylady said:

May 25, 2012 12:42:40 GMT -5 iamali said:

Welllll, actually this weekend is the big JW National Convention (I shit you not) and he's there today and will be for the rest of the weekend, so him driving is sadly not an option (ugh, I wish it was!).

That sucks, I'm really sorry.

Forget my other response. This just totally sucks. Is the convention in Anaheim or SD?? I thought it was an Angel Stadium but I could be confusing my religions here. A few co-workers are JW's and would take off time to go.

[Cayl]

May 25, 2012 13:54:41 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Ok. She's throwing a party for you and her dh tomorrow. You're one of the guests of honor. You did not clear with her about staying overnight there until yesterday; and the answer was a kind and appropriate no, not this time. Now that you cannot stay over, you don't want to go; but your real reason for not going is that you cannot get hammered at this party like you used to in the past because the other guest of honor (whose house this is at) is not a drinker (or is it that your dh is not going because HE's a nondrinker?).

I think it would be appalling to back out at this point, and I don't know how you'd explain it without really hurting some feelings. Get a hotel room, drink there all you want, and go home in the am.

Normally I would agree with this, but there is no way that I would drive 5 hours round trip in one day by myself. Especially if her SIL knows what she's going through you'd think she would understand what she's going through and let her stay the night.

If there are no taxis in the area or if the hotel room is too much to spend, do you have any friends that you could take with you?

[bonquiqui]

I don't understand why she wont let you stay. I mean i get that she wants alone time, but she is throwing a party for YOU and her H. It seems to make sense that you would stay the night after that drive.

[greylady]

I don't think it's her fault she doesn't want to drive 5 hours alone. Her H is OOT.