Divorcing the man I love

[mandala]

Hi everyone,
I've been together with my husband 8 years and married 6. I was 21 when we started dating. I was so blindly in love with him that I didnt want to accept all those differences between us. I just adjusted myself to his lifestyle. He is very different and that is what attracted me to him at the beginning. He doesnt have many friends, he is very quiet, he is also very artictic in a weird way with all his strange poetry, he has strong imagination, but he really has a good heart, he is very calm and honest, he always seemed to me like lost puppy that i want to adopt and take care of him. And that's what happened, i "adopted" him and started acting like his mother. First few years of our relationship and marriage were crazy, we were fighting a lot and all the time I was causing it. I was acting very controlling and possessive and I think it was all because deep down I was struggling with our differences. After few major events in our life we changed a little and our marriage was pretty good since 2008. I felt really happy. He finaly took some responsibilities, foud a job and started taking care of me... But after some time he was unsatisfied with the job and he wanted to quit. And once again we were at the beginning, i was again responsible one. We moved back to his parents house and he started looking for another job but he was enjoying the fact that he doesn work. He started smoking cigarets again after five years of quitting, and he dreams of having a lots of money and being able to travel. He is like a little kid and I realized I cant go like this anymore. I cant take anymore all this preassure to take care for both of us.
Im so unhappy lately, I cry a lot and Im trying to control him and make him be the way I want him to be. Its becoming unbearable. We talked about it and he agrees that we should separate for some time even it's very difficult for both of us.
But it is so hard, i cant imagine my life without him even Im very unhappy now. Im very attached to him. I dont know how im gonna live without all those little things we have, and i feel that everything will remind me of him and i will miss him a lot. Im very dependent on him. I cant go sleep if he is not in the room. But he is not so attached to me. I know that he loves me a lot, , but he is very independent and he doesnt need my presence all the time like i need his.
Sometimes I think that I should accept him the way he is, like he accepted me the way I am. But at the same time I feel that I cant live with him like this anymore, but i cant live without him too. Also i worriy about him, how he's gonna take care of himself after im gone. I feel huge guilt lo leave him.
Please Anyone who was going through similar situation help me with some advice! Please!

[lovelybb]

It's not your job to take care of him and it's also not your job to control him. It sounds like you're very co-dependent and this is not healthy. You can see that, but it's scary to take the next step to being healthy.

Are you in therapy? If not, get there quickly. It will help you immensely.

I still struggle with co-dependency, but you need to learn who you are first and foremost and love that person. Then you can accept people for who they are and not what you want them to be.

Good luck! I know you're in a terrible place right now, a lot of us have been there, but you'll get through this!! One day or one second at a time...

[explorer2001]

I've been there. It's actually a bit erie reading your post. It sounds a lot like my exH. He was a big dreamer, wanted to travel, wanted to live the good life, but couldn't or wouldn't keep a job, couldn't or wouldn't finish college. I often felt like his mother, cleaning up after him, paying the bills, smoothing over social issues, trying to teach/encourage him to grow up, get it in gear and contribute, how to do what it would take to make the things he said he wanted a reality.

We ended up in counselling and he blamed me for pushing him too hard and trying to change him. I took that on as my fault for a long time. But it wasn't true. To an extent I don't know if it is true in your case. In mine, I was just working my butt off to make the life we "agreed" we wanted but he refused to help or accept responsibility. I could only carry both of us for so long with him fighting every step of the way and undermining my ability to reach the goals we supposedly agreed to.

There were other issues in my case as well because when he got frustrated that things weren't magically perfect, he got abusive. For a long time, I thought I had to take care of him, that he'd be ruined without me, he'd told me he'd kill himself if I ever left, etc. It creates all sorts of dysfunctional ties. Ultimately you can only control yourself and your behavior. You can't control or change him. Trying to will just hurt everyone. He needs to take responsibility and behave like a grown up with or without you.

You deserve better than to spend your life trapped raising someone who should be a partner. Yes it will hurt and be a hard process but you can do it. It is hard to end things when your entire existence has been wrapped up in carrying for and fixing this other person. However you can and will find out there is so much more to you that you forgot because it got overrun for so many years by hid latest crisis that you didn't even have a chance to remember who you really are. Once I found that again, I couldn't believe I let it get taken from me for so long.

Hugs. Welcome. You can do it. And don't be put off if people don't respond much on the weekend.

[doriswe]

Please get into therapy, it will help you immensely. If you BOTH feel like this is something to work on get into couples therapy as well, but individual counseling is essential.

Also, I remember when the decision was made that we were going to separate, I really felt the same....I can't sleep with out you next to me, I'll never meet someone who's hand fits mine likes yours does, etc. Thing is, I was just panicked about the change....and I sleep just fine alone (in fact I love sprawling across the bed at night!) and I've held quite a few hands that fit me just fine.

I'm sure you also know, you cannot make someone change. They have to want to change and make the effort on their part. It doesn't sound like he is interested in doing so. That is not a reflection of YOU.

[Deleted]

Dreamers are dreamers for a reason...if they keep having big illusions they dont have to deal with reality. its a way of them to avoid the real world. that is why they cant keep a job.

Your job is not to be his mother...your job is not to be his babysitter. You are his wife. You are 29 years old and living with his mommy and he is just fine with that...it doesnt get much clearer than that. He'd rather continue to live in his dream world than grow the hell up.

Dont you want to be in a relationship with an adult? You have been with a child for 8 years trying to change him and make him a man...8 years should be plenty of time for you to realize that this isnt going to happen and it is time to cut your loses.

Listen the only person you have control over is you! you are unhappy then it is up to you to fix it! you can not rely on him to make you happy.

My bet is that once you leave you will have the most overwhelming feeling of relief! You have no idea how good it is going to be. those little attachments that you speak about will vanish fairly quickly.

Please dont be the victim "i cant live without him" it really is a pathetic thing to say. Not only will you live without him you will live a much happier adult life.

[mandala]

Thank you all so so so much. Your advices and support means a lot to me.

[Deleted]

Mags said it perfectly :Y:
I too learned the hard way that you CAN NOT change someone. A leopard never changes his spots. I married my ex knowing he wasn't settled, didn't have a good job and wasn't exactly good for me, but I thought I could change him..WRONG.
When I finally left him (together 4 years total, married 9 months), I had enough of his abuse and realized he wasn't my responsibility, he was a grown man! Grown men should be accountable for their actions.
Sounds like your H is not accountable for anything, why should he be? You and mommy are providing for him. You think you can't sleep without him in the room? And all these other reasons you cant bear to leave? Just wait! Get yourself in a better place mentally..get into therapy. You deserve better than this. Do you want to always be the bread winner? Do you want to bring children into this life? Do you want to be 29 and living with his parents? Do you want someone that doesn't "need" you the way you "need" him? Eventually, you'll be busting your ass to support him, and he'll be banging someone else while your not home...happens all the time. Get help mandala, and get out!

[mandala]

Dec 8, 2012 8:43:49 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

I've been there. It's actually a bit erie reading your post. It sounds a lot like my exH. He was a big dreamer, wanted to travel, wanted to live the good life, but couldn't or wouldn't keep a job, couldn't or wouldn't finish college. I often felt like his mother, cleaning up after him, paying the bills, smoothing over social issues, trying to teach/encourage him to grow up, get it in gear and contribute, how to do what it would take to make the things he said he wanted a reality.

We ended up in counselling and he blamed me for pushing him too hard and trying to change him. I took that on as my fault for a long time. But it wasn't true. To an extent I don't know if it is true in your case. In mine, I was just working my butt off to make the life we "agreed" we wanted but he refused to help or accept responsibility. I could only carry both of us for so long with him fighting every step of the way and undermining my ability to reach the goals we supposedly agreed to.

There were other issues in my case as well because when he got frustrated that things weren't magically perfect, he got abusive. For a long time, I thought I had to take care of him, that he'd be ruined without me, he'd told me he'd kill himself if I ever left, etc. It creates all sorts of dysfunctional ties. Ultimately you can only control yourself and your behavior. You can't control or change him. Trying to will just hurt everyone. He needs to take responsibility and behave like a grown up with or without you.

You deserve better than to spend your life trapped raising someone who should be a partner. Yes it will hurt and be a hard process but you can do it. It is hard to end things when your entire existence has been wrapped up in carrying for and fixing this other person. However you can and will find out there is so much more to you that you forgot because it got overrun for so many years by hid latest crisis that you didn't even have a chance to remember who you really are. Once I found that again, I couldn't believe I let it get taken from me for so long.

Hugs. Welcome. You can do it. And don't be put off if people don't respond much on the weekend.

We also have many plans for our life but im always as you said "working my butt off" to make it happen. And when i remind him of his responsibilities i feel horrible because it seems like I'm controlling him and trying to change him. I hate to see these bad qualities in myself , to bi like his mom, to control him and always complain. Sometimes i think that he is trying and I believe he is, but it seems that it is his nature and he cant change it.

[mandala]

Dec 8, 2012 8:43:49 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

I've been there. It's actually a bit erie reading your post. It sounds a lot like my exH. He was a big dreamer, wanted to travel, wanted to live the good life, but couldn't or wouldn't keep a job, couldn't or wouldn't finish college. I often felt like his mother, cleaning up after him, paying the bills, smoothing over social issues, trying to teach/encourage him to grow up, get it in gear and contribute, how to do what it would take to make the things he said he wanted a reality.

We ended up in counselling and he blamed me for pushing him too hard and trying to change him. I took that on as my fault for a long time. But it wasn't true. To an extent I don't know if it is true in your case. In mine, I was just working my butt off to make the life we "agreed" we wanted but he refused to help or accept responsibility. I could only carry both of us for so long with him fighting every step of the way and undermining my ability to reach the goals we supposedly agreed to.

There were other issues in my case as well because when he got frustrated that things weren't magically perfect, he got abusive. For a long time, I thought I had to take care of him, that he'd be ruined without me, he'd told me he'd kill himself if I ever left, etc. It creates all sorts of dysfunctional ties. Ultimately you can only control yourself and your behavior. You can't control or change him. Trying to will just hurt everyone. He needs to take responsibility and behave like a grown up with or without you.

You deserve better than to spend your life trapped raising someone who should be a partner. Yes it will hurt and be a hard process but you can do it. It is hard to end things when your entire existence has been wrapped up in carrying for and fixing this other person. However you can and will find out there is so much more to you that you forgot because it got overrun for so many years by hid latest crisis that you didn't even have a chance to remember who you really are. Once I found that again, I couldn't believe I let it get taken from me for so long.

Hugs. Welcome. You can do it. And don't be put off if people don't respond much on the weekend.

.... And thank you so much for sharing your experience. Thank you for support!

[mandala]

Dec 8, 2012 9:03:10 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Please get into therapy, it will help you immensely. If you BOTH feel like this is something to work on get into couples therapy as well, but individual counseling is essential.

Also, I remember when the decision was made that we were going to separate, I really felt the same....I can't sleep with out you next to me, I'll never meet someone who's hand fits mine likes yours does, etc. Thing is, I was just panicked about the change....and I sleep just fine alone (in fact I love sprawling across the bed at night!) and I've held quite a few hands that fit me just fine.

I'm sure you also know, you cannot make someone change. They have to want to change and make the effort on their part. It doesn't sound like he is interested in doing so. That is not a reflection of YOU.

Thank you.

I think that no one will love me the way he loves me. And no one will accept me the way he accepts me. He is never giving me contitions. He accepts all my decisions and supports me in anything i do. That is why i feel guilt.

Seeing how many of you went through the same makes me stronger and i believe it is posible.

[mandala]

Dec 8, 2012 9:42:22 GMT -5 mags said:

Dreamers are dreamers for a reason...if they keep having big illusions they dont have to deal with reality. its a way of them to avoid the real world. that is why they cant keep a job.

Your job is not to be his mother...your job is not to be his babysitter. You are his wife. You are 29 years old and living with his mommy and he is just fine with that...it doesnt get much clearer than that. He'd rather continue to live in his dream world than grow the hell up.

Dont you want to be in a relationship with an adult? You have been with a child for 8 years trying to change him and make him a man...8 years should be plenty of time for you to realize that this isnt going to happen and it is time to cut your loses.

Listen the only person you have control over is you! you are unhappy then it is up to you to fix it! you can not rely on him to make you happy.

My bet is that once you leave you will have the most overwhelming feeling of relief! You have no idea how good it is going to be. those little attachments that you speak about will vanish fairly quickly.

Please dont be the victim "i cant live without him" it really is a pathetic thing to say. Not only will you live without him you will live a much happier adult life.

I have to admit that your strong words are shaking me up, and also waking me up. Thank you.
I exactly feel the way you are saying. I want to have adult by myself. You see, my husband sometimes acts like an adult and then i am so proud of him and i would like if he can be like that always. He is not lazy, he helps me in house chores all the time. But still at the end im taking care of him. We were planning to have a baby and that is when i realized that i need husband to have a baby. And actually i have one "kid" im taking care of. Lately im asking myself every day "what am i doing here?" But still it is so difficult to leave. I know it is all dramatic and i sound like victim, but my heart is breaking.
He was never physically abusive of me, as i said before he has very calm nature (Sometimes too calm, like he doesnt care). And another thing that makes it harder is his parents and my mother. My mom loves him and she is always pointing out how great he is and how nice he treats me. And his parents, they love me because they see how i take good care of him. Few days ago his father told me, as he sensing something, that he thinks my husband's life would be horrible if i ever leave him and that im his all world.
Im now trying to convince myself that they are not my responsibility.
Im sure i can do this. It just take some time and support.
Im really thankful to all of you.

[Deleted]

You need a shaking up...im a tough love kinda girl Im not the hold your hand type, im a kick in the ass type..i dont mean to upset people, i just think that so many people hear the hand holding shit that sometimes a kick in the ass is what people really need.

Read your last post out loud to yourself. You are 29 yet feel the responsibility to make EVERYONE else happy. His parents, your mom, and him. you are coming in 5th place in this race. You need to make it so that you are in 1st place and everyone else is behind you because no one else will do that for you.

Just because he wasnt abusive and helps do the dishes doesnt make him a good husband or even an adult. my kids help me do the dishes and dont abuse me but they arent adults.

his parents love you thats great, even they know that their son isnt a responsible adult. your h's life wont be horrilbe he will just have one lesss person to enable him.

i would also suggest some counseling for you to help you let go of all these peoples happiness you have resting on your shoulders. it will help..i was the queen of quilt before and after i left my marriage and counseling helped me deal with on a much healthier basis.

[explorer2001]

Dec 8, 2012 12:33:00 GMT -5 mags said:

You need a shaking up...im a tough love kinda girl Im not the hold your hand type, im a kick in the ass type..i dont mean to upset people, i just think that so many people hear the hand holding shit that sometimes a kick in the ass is what people really need.

Read your last post out loud to yourself. You are 29 yet feel the responsibility to make EVERYONE else happy. His parents, your mom, and him. you are coming in 5th place in this race. You need to make it so that you are in 1st place and everyone else is behind you because no one else will do that for you.

Just because he wasnt abusive and helps do the dishes doesnt make him a good husband or even an adult. my kids help me do the dishes and dont abuse me but they arent adults.

his parents love you thats great, even they know that their son isnt a responsible adult. your h's life wont be horrilbe he will just have one lesss person to enable him.

i would also suggest some counseling for you to help you let go of all these peoples happiness you have resting on your shoulders. it will help..i was the queen of quilt before and after i left my marriage and counseling helped me deal with on a much healthier basis.

Listen to Mags. She is wise. I was nearly exactly there (except the living situation). I went through it. The process of ripping the bandade off sucks. It takes way longer than a bandaid but the other side of it is so amazing and so worth it.

Also I couldn't see the early abuse with my ex. When I was still in it, thinking I was controlling and it was my fault, I would have sworn my ex worked hard, tried to help around the house, would never cheat or abuse me, etc. But what you are saying about being awful and controlling for asking him to be an adult and be responsible for basic household stuff, isn't evil or controlling. It's asking him to be a partner and adult. And while I'm not saying it will or is happening in your case, when I pulled away when I started seeing through the manipulation (which is what he's doing and everyone else pressuring you) my ex got frighteningly violent and tried to kill me.

Please get counselling and stay safe regardless of what you choose.

[rikkiandjulie]

It's hard but possible. My situation is different but I never thought Id even be able to live alone, but I am. I'm in IT and we are starting CT but who's knows where this will end up, just know you CAN do what you think
Is impossible


Rikki-iPhone

[mandala]

Dec 8, 2012 16:45:38 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

You keep using the word control and that you're controlling him. Whose word is that, yours or his? Do you feel that way or is that what he tells you when you fight?

Sometimes he tells me that, but most of the times i see its me and i hate to be that kind of person. I wasn't like that before but with him i learned that if i want things to be done in the right way i have to do it myself or supervise it. I turned into control freak. Im tired of complaining and reminding him of his duties and asking him to grow up.
He swears he's trying to do things right, and he says some things are very hard to change. I feel very bad for complaining about him and writing here behind his back, and i ask myself maybe i should be patient. But deep down i dont think anything will change.
Now im afraid if i divorce him i will never be able to find somebody else, that nobody will tolerate me and accept me like he did. I just dont have will to start all over again, dating and all that, but im afraid to be alone. Im really messed up, i blame myself for everything... My first step should be to listen your advices and get into therapy. Can you just tell me where to look? It that marriage counseling or its some other kind of counselor?

[winecat]

Dec 9, 2012 18:18:48 GMT -5 mandala said:

Dec 8, 2012 16:45:38 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

You keep using the word control and that you're controlling him. Whose word is that, yours or his? Do you feel that way or is that what he tells you when you fight?

Sometimes he tells me that, but most of the times i see its me and i hate to be that kind of person. I wasn't like that before but with him i learned that if i want things to be done in the right way i have to do it myself or supervise it. I turned into control freak. Im tired of complaining and reminding him of his duties and asking him to grow up.
He swears he's trying to do things right, and he says some things are very hard to change. I feel very bad for complaining about him and writing here behind his back, and i ask myself maybe i should be patient. But deep down i dont think anything will change.
Now im afraid if i divorce him i will never be able to find somebody else, that nobody will tolerate me and accept me like he did. I just dont have will to start all over again, dating and all that, but im afraid to be alone. Im really messed up, i blame myself for everything... My first step should be to listen your advices and get into therapy. Can you just tell me where to look? It that marriage counseling or its some other kind of counselor?

You need to see an individual therapist. I think the other girls here can give you better advise in terms of looking for a therapist.

You deserve so much more in your life, including real happiness.

[Deleted]

You do not need marriage counseling you need indiv. counseling. You can usually find one by word of mouth, but if you arent comfortable doing that you can do a google search for your area or call your local mental health center.

most women here will tell you it is soooo much better being alone than being with a guy would sucks you dry.

[Deleted]

Dec 9, 2012 18:25:52 GMT -5 mags said:

You do not need marriage counseling you need indiv. counseling. You can usually find one by word of mouth, but if you arent comfortable doing that you can do a google search for your area or call your local mental health center.

most women here will tell you it is soooo much better being alone than being with a guy would sucks you dry.

This exactly. I knew it was bad, but after I left I realized HOW bad it really was. Everyone else saw it, but I was blind to a lot. Now I'm free! Free to do what I want when I want. Free from trying to fix someone that was not fixable. I was the breadwinner, now I can choose the way I spend my money. I can eat a bowl of cereal for dinner if I choose to. I have the whole bed to myself. Free yourself!