Do you have a hard time enjoying your money?

[4speedy]

This is a follow-up to my poll about large bonuses. We have had some really tough times financially. I was laid off at 9 months PG, we had a side business go under because 18 months worth of accounts receivables were discharged during the automotive bankruptcies, DH took a paycut in order to keep his job and DS was diagnosed with special needs that required large out of pocket expenses all at the same time. We came through it by the skin of our teeth. The worst of it lasted about 12 months but it was a REALLY bad 12 months, financially.

We have been past the worst of it for about 2 years. As a matter of fact, DH received a promotion that more than made up for my lost income, my son is now old enough to receive therapy services through our school district so that bill is gone. We have used DH's annual bonuses to restore our savings and catch up on a lot of deferred home maintenance/improvement. After being run around by the mortgage company for so long, our house was deep into foreclosure and we were 10 days from eviction. I called the CEO of Citi Mortgage and finally got a modification. I contacted our Congressman who helped us get a small business loan to cover our lost receivables. once the automotives were out of bankruptcies one of them bought a patent from DH so that brought in some serious cash that we paid back the business loan with. We are now able to finally spend money on some "wants" instead of just needs.

But to be honest, it causes me an incredible amount of stress to spend a buck. As in, I spent $40 bucks on 2 pairs of jeans over a year ago at Target. I HAD to because I had nothing that fit my post baby shape. I have worn those 2 pairs of jeans nearly daily and they are now frayed, shrunk and faded. But I cannot bring myself to buy a decent pair of jeans because those nasty looking pairs aren't THAT bad, although I do turn down invitations to see DH's coworkers because I have nothing nice enough to wear. I'm am so used to doing without. Even though we can easily afford the nicer things in life again, it causes me to have a panic attack to spend money. I Have tried to buy myself decent clothing, but after selecting items and walking toward the register, I always put it down and leave the store because I decide I don't REALLY need it. Spending money that we have should not cause this much stress. Even buying chocolate milk for my kids causes me stress because white milk is a "need" but chocolate milk is frivolous.

I am wondering if anyone else, especially those who have faced REALLY hard times, has this much stress associated with spending money. When does it get easier? Did you ever get over the fear of being poor again?

[chessie]

Growing up I was poor and so was DH. So for us no, doesn't matter how much we make, and we have gotten a huge leap in $ in the last 5 years, we are always afraid to end up with nothing. My parents at on point told me, doesnt matter how much you make it will never be enough. Its true. I find it very hard to spend any money on myself and DH has the same problem. But I grew up in a household my mom never bought anything for herself, so many times we will make each other buy X finally, if we been eyeing it.

[heygrey]

We were quite poor our first year of marriage, living below poverty levels despite both of us working, but we haven't faced compounding situations like you.

If I really need something, I take h to the store. He will take the items out of my hand even if I'm protesting and just buy them.

Eta: I have no problem spending on h's needs or buying for the house, its just stuff for me that I second guess.

[limey]

Huge kudos for your hard work and perseverance!

I've been in tight spots, financially, but nothing nearly as bad as what you two have gone through. I was also raised by parents that were born into very large, very poor families, but that were upwardly mobile and eventually, financially successful.

So, yes, I had a hard time enjoying the money that I made. DH and I had some rather long, sometimes strained conversations about that when we first got serious. I am a lot better about that now, and I enjoy the things I have. I will still always think about purchases though; it's rare that I impulse buy.

Do you do a formal budget? Could you budget in fun money that you spend every month or quarter? Or budget in gifts that you could buy for your H that he wants and vice-versa for birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc. Maybe 5% of your total budget would be a good place to start?

You mentioned skipping out on social events due to not having nice enough clothes. Have you ever watched What Not To Wear? Stacey and Clinton often bring up that having nice clothes is an investment in yourself and a self esteem boost.

It also doesn't have to be all or nothing. You don't have to go from 20$ jeans to 200$ jeans. You can buy 80$ jeans or hit a designer consignment store and buy the 200$ jeans for 40$.

[mrsfarmer]

I recently changed jobs which resulted in a 30.5% pay raise. I have. Hard time enjoying it. I worry so much about contingencies and what ifs. Also, the next few months will be a little tight with some things coming up but I know we can can flow it. I still worry.

[limey]

One more little thing, to tie into your bonus post:

I had an extra 1300$ from a bonus one year. (God, you don't even want to know what I had to give up to get that freaking bonus.)

Anyway, I sat on it for a long time. After I started dating H, I mentioned that one of my fun vacation ideas would be to drive up the coast and stay in B&Bs and see a bunch of new cities. We ended up using that money to fund the vacation and that was the trip where each of us (secretly, on our own, without discussing it) decided that we wanted to marry the other one.

Money well spent.

[rubytue]

Congrats on making it through that rough year. That sounds like enough to break most anyone, and you survived, and it sounds like you are doing much better now.

We were just talking about this yesterday. Not on the same scale (we have been doing pretty well the past 5 or so years), but just in terms of spending what it budgeted and/or we are saving for. Like we had a nice savings account earmarked for a certain purchase. We made that purchase, so now the savings account is almost empty, and it freaks me out. For no logical reason.

[lys]

I grew up dirt poor and learned how to pinch a penny at a young age. Old habits die hard. I have no problem spending on others or giving to worthy causes, but find it hard to spend on myself. I like nice things, but cannot bring myself to pay full price, they need to be on deep discount before they would ever come home with me.

[mbcdefg]

Congratulations on making it through!

I wish I knew the answer to this question. MH went through a really rough patch in his early 20s, and it's really done a number on the way he views money. He often makes himself sick by worrying over nothing, and it has led to a lot of fights between us. I wish he'd go to counseling or something about it.

[takeonyou]

Yes. Similar situation to yours with a foreclosure notice, a near repossesion, business losing money, etc. We are doing very well now and I agonize over everything. Being that poor was so scary to me and i never felt so alone. I am cheap with myself to a fault. I think I actually should go to therapy for my financial issues.

[mskitkat]

Yes. Growing up, my parents were terrible with money. I learned early on that I needed to save my babysitting money so I could pay the water bill, etc. Now I have a terrible time buying things for myself. $50 really nice gloves will give me a panic attack, even though I can very easily afford them, I always end up with the cheaper, not as nice things. Literally, DH will force me to buy things for myself. Sometimes I have to walk away and he buys it for me. Yes, I'm in therapy for this.

[isabel]

Could you take a friend with you when you go shopping for nice clothes? Maybe that person could give you the extra push you need to go through with your purchase.

I know that won't help in other areas, but maybe it would help a bit. I'm sorry you went through all of that and have had such tough times. Just remember that you're through the worst of it now.

[ellipses84]

You are very strong for making it through that tough time and you will probably never go through it again, but even if you did, you will know you can survive it. It has likely changed how you view money forever, similar to grandparents who survived the depression. I agree with pp's who say you should budget in clothing and fun money. I got $10 jeans at Old Navy on Black Friday, so you don't have to spend a ton to look decent enough to not feel embarrassed. Take baby steps and even if it is a struggle to spend the money, I think new clothes will boost your confidence.

[Deleted]

My mom is like this. They also went through a really, really rough time between 2007 and 2010 and because of it she's declared that she "no longer needs nice things." Like, she plans on buying no new clothing at 57 years old because what she has should last her until she dies... My sister and I have to work on her to spend money on herself, even though they are totally in a stable and successful place again financially.

I have no suggestions for help, but I do understand where you're coming from. Big hugs to you, and kudos for fighting through it. A lot of people, and a lot of marriages, wouldn't have made it.