Pep talk/entertainment needed

[bostonterrier]

Psuedo-lurker coming out of the shadows. I can't talk to anyone at work (since I'm the boss--weeping doesn't inspire confidence), and reaching out to really real life friends/family would turn me into a sniveling wreck.

It looks like a relationship I was in that I thought was moving forward towards moving in, marriage, etc. is ending. It's for the best, but I've gotten little sleep and feel physically sick.

I need more coffee, some flowers, hugs +/- cookie dough. I'll settle for a rousing chorus of "put on your big girl panties," "you'll find someone before your mid-30's eggs dry to dust," etc.

Guess I've never even formally intro'd, so I'll put myself out there for an AMA. If nothing else, hopefully I can give some Monday distraction to ya'll.

Thanks ladies:)

[doriswe]

Hi.....welcome.....you can do this and it's better to be single and happy than with someone and miserable.

[bostonterrier]

Thanks Doris. My divorce was truly an education on what I do and don't want. I can't risk being with someone who isn't as in love with me as I am them. Sucks because I'd like to think I'm pretty damned awesome, and his perfect fit....

[jojoandleo]

Dec 10, 2012 8:55:51 GMT -5 bostonterrier said:

Thanks Doris. My divorce was truly an education on what I do and don't want. I can't risk being with someone who isn't as in love with me as I am them. Sucks because I'd like to think I'm pretty damned awesome, and his perfect fit....

never settle for less than you deserve, it will just lead to resentment. It's better to get out now!

[bostonterrier]

Thanks jojo--so trying to remind myself of that. The pain and sadness is about unbearable right now, but reminding myself of that helps.

[bullygirl979]

Howdy! I remember you, mostly because I love your SN (I used to have 2).

Lady, I feel you. I will be 34 in April and I am single and I feel the same way. But I keep telling myself that it is worth waiting to find the right one rather than settle and be doing this process all over again in 10 years. Hugs! And now go put your BGPs on!!

[kaneen]

What's your story? How long have you been divorced? Any short people (my fancy term for children)? How long was this relationship that is now ending? Why do you think it is ending?

Ok, enough questions. Welcome. Good luck. Breaking up sucks but time helps!

[starryfish]

awww....i feel ya! Here are some virtual flowers, hugs and cookie dough! Yum!!!!!

({) (})

[bostonterrier]

Back atcha, Bullygirl! What's the line? "I wish I were sleeping with the right man, but I never think I'm sleeping with the wrong dog." Pulling up the BGP. Hopefully they go well with my upcoming dinner of wine, popcorn, and cookie dough. LOL

Kaneen: Officially divorced for 2+ years. Marriage was over well before that. ExH was significantly depressed and basically asexual with a pinch of repressed homosexuality mixed in for good measure. Did I also mention he was an excellent liar/actor until after the ceremony? No children, also I will finally admit that the clock is ticking hard core at the moment. Being exposed to a man (ex-BF) who was an excellent father and partner really gave the ovaries a squeeze. With exH, I'd have effecetively been a single parent.

BF and I had been together for 9 months. It is ending because although we're pretty perfect together, and he feels he's never been in a stronger relationship, that he's not sure that there's the "right chemistry" for the long haul. Sucks because we're a perfect fit as far as goals, work ethic, sexuality, my support of his crazy schedule/military service, his support of my career goals, family, etc. I have a feeling that what he feels has a lot less to do with me, than where he is on his journey (he is divorced as well), and that the majikal pixie dust chemistry he thinks he wants fades pretty damned quickly. I have the self-esteem to know that I'm the real deal, and love him too much for his to feel like he needs to settle. Just blows that I was crazy for him. If that all makes sense. Thanks for listening....

[doriswe]

I'm confuzzled about the break-up.....is it something you'd be willing to go to couples counseling for to see if it's salvageable?

[bullygirl979]

I am sorry but that sounds like a bullshit reason to me.

[bostonterrier]

Oh, doris and bully: THANK YOU. I think that's exactly what I needed to hear today: a big "what the hell" from independant counsel.

I don't know about counseling as a couple. I've always been a fan of it for myself, and I'd be willing to go. Even if we don't end up together, I would be happy to do it if it helps him in the future. Part of me feels like why deal with this in a relationship this early; the other part feels he's worth fighing for.

The other piece to this since we're on this topic. I don't know how it figures in (or does it?), but he suffered a TBI as a result of a motorcycle accident 3 years ago. His recovery was amazing. The only deficits that he has after much neuro review is that he needs to take a grocery list to the store, where he used to be able to memorize it previously. However, I'm his first serious relationship after this (his ex had served him with papers the day of the accident), and I do wonder if it could be a factor. He had dated several women previous to me, but none had made it to the stage of meeting his kids, spending time with his family, etc.

And sorry for all of the typos--I'm clearly all over the place this AM....

[kaneen]

I'm so sorry to hear about the situation with the current guy! I mostly asked all those questions to give you a chance to write it all out since that always helps me.

Listen though, if he is telling you something is missing, believe him. Don't try to look for excuses. Don't blame it on him not being ready. Just believe what he is telling you and walk away. It will make it much easier to make a clean break that way.

Lastly, as much as you are having a hard time right now, the RIGHT guy is out there for you. I know you think this current guy is the right one but he isn't. Not if he doesn't feel head over heals about you. But that guy who will feel that way is out there and the sooner you walk away from a relationship you know is wrong, the sooner you can find him.

[doriswe]

I'm still confused why you want to break up with him? You get along, are "pretty perfect" and the only residual from a TBI is having to take a list to the store....I'm confused why this is all break-up worthy.

[bullygirl979]

Dec 10, 2012 10:47:05 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I'm still confused why you want to break up with him? You get along, are "pretty perfect" and the only residual from a TBI is having to take a list to the store....I'm confused why this is all break-up worthy.

He is the one ending it, not her.

[doriswe]

Dec 10, 2012 10:49:24 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Dec 10, 2012 10:47:05 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I'm still confused why you want to break up with him? You get along, are "pretty perfect" and the only residual from a TBI is having to take a list to the store....I'm confused why this is all break-up worthy.

He is the one ending it, not her.

Ooopppsss...my bad, carry on!

[jojoandleo]

I don't think the right guy for you would tell you something is missing.

H has TBI from his term in Iraq and I was his first serious relationship after his ex-wife (she cheated on him along with other things while he was there). I don't think you can blame that. It sucks and it is hard, but listen to him and move on. Don't rehash and wonder and try to fix it, it will only make things harder. You deserve someone who will love you as much as you do them and this relationship is not it.

*Hugs* and good luck. It DOES get easier.

[starburst604]

Dec 10, 2012 10:27:22 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I am sorry but that sounds like a bullshit reason to me.

Why does it seem like BS? I think there are a lot of times that a relationship is great on paper but the chemistry just isn't there, and it can't be forced.

Sorry you're going through this, BT. If it truly is the chemistry thing, it doesn't mean that you aren't amazing, but it sounds like you already know that. You definitely deserve someone who is equally crazy about you.

[jojoandleo]

Dec 10, 2012 10:58:15 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Dec 10, 2012 10:27:22 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I am sorry but that sounds like a bullshit reason to me.

Why does it seem like BS? I think there are a lot of times that a relationship is great on paper but the chemistry just isn't there, and it can't be forced.

Sorry you're going through this, BT. If it truly is the chemistry thing, it doesn't mean that you aren't amazing, but it sounds like you already know that. You definitely deserve someone who is equally crazy about you.

Agreed. Women come on here all the time and talk about how great a guy is, but there is just no chemistry. You need chemistry. 9 months is a long time to date and then say this, but often times people HOPE the chemistry will grow and it just doesn't. I'm sorry you are hurting, though.

[bullygirl979]

Dec 10, 2012 10:58:15 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Dec 10, 2012 10:27:22 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I am sorry but that sounds like a bullshit reason to me.

Why does it seem like BS? I think there are a lot of times that a relationship is great on paper but the chemistry just isn't there, and it can't be forced.

If the chemistry isn't there then that is fine. I completely understand. I just have a hard time swallowing the whole "Oh, this is the best relationship that I've ever had! But.....we need to break up" spiel. It just seems cruel to say something like that.

[jojoandleo]

Dec 10, 2012 11:01:59 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Dec 10, 2012 10:58:15 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Why does it seem like BS? I think there are a lot of times that a relationship is great on paper but the chemistry just isn't there, and it can't be forced.

If the chemistry isn't there then that is fine. I completely understand. I just have a hard time swallowing the whole "Oh, this is the best relationship that I've ever had! But.....we need to break up" spiel. It just seems cruel to say something like that.

Oh, I can agree with that. It is cruel to be all "You are so amazing! Best thing I have ever had! But, yeah, you gotta go." It reminds me of that part of "He's just not that into you" where they are talking about what men say to "dump you" but make it seem like your idea? "I am so jealous of the guy that gets to end up with you" etc.

Just say, "I'm not feeling the chemistry, sorry!"

[bullygirl979]

Dec 10, 2012 11:04:37 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Dec 10, 2012 11:01:59 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

If the chemistry isn't there then that is fine. I completely understand. I just have a hard time swallowing the whole "Oh, this is the best relationship that I've ever had! But.....we need to break up" spiel. It just seems cruel to say something like that.

Oh, I can agree with that. It is cruel to be all "You are so amazing! Best thing I have ever had! But, yeah, you gotta go." It reminds me of that part of "He's just not that into you" where they are talking about what men say to "dump you" but make it seem like your idea? "I am so jealous of the guy that gets to end up with you" etc.

Just say, "I'm not feeling the chemistry, sorry!"

Exactly! ITA that the chemistry needs to be there. But if it isn't, don't tell me how fucking amazing I am. Just say there isn't chemistry.

[starburst604]

Dec 10, 2012 11:08:22 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Dec 10, 2012 11:04:37 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Oh, I can agree with that. It is cruel to be all "You are so amazing! Best thing I have ever had! But, yeah, you gotta go." It reminds me of that part of "He's just not that into you" where they are talking about what men say to "dump you" but make it seem like your idea? "I am so jealous of the guy that gets to end up with you" etc.

Just say, "I'm not feeling the chemistry, sorry!"

Exactly! ITA that the chemistry needs to be there. But if it isn't, don't tell me how fucking amazing I am. Just say there isn't chemistry.

Agree with all this too! There needs to be a manual about this shit, I swear.

[bostonterrier]

Thanks ladies! You've all summed up exactly the whirlwind of feelings: "Wait, what?" "What the hell?!?" You've all definitely made me laugh. And thanks for sharing your H's experience jojo.
I know it's for the best, but there's nothing like having the rug pulled out from under you for presumably no reason after such a long time. I do wish he'd extract his head from his ass, but I'm not wasting time waiting for that to happen.