annoyed at DH--Give me perspective

[nonsenseabound]

Brief backstory, he took both kids to the YMCA while I did a client visit this weekend. The carrier was left then (saturday) and he had to reinstall daughter's carseat and the base for the carrier this morning in my car d/t a previous car accident (deer hit my car).

DH left the infant carrier in his car and drove to work which is 35 min from our house. I get the kids ready for daycare and realized that the carrier was missing. I called him and asked him where it was and he realized that it was in his car.

He then turned it around on me and said I could've removed the carseat. When I angrily reminded him that he had it last, he then told me I didn't thank him for putting in the car seats this morning. I reminded him that I did ask him and thanked him in advance yesterday and that he left the house before I was even out of bed. He was getting angry about it and I told him I had a work call and said goodbye (all true).

MM, WWYD? DH is trying to turn it around on me. He does this often and his big thing was both the kids were fine. I hate that argument because it devolves into well, let's let the kids play naked in the snow because they weren't hurt this one time type of argument.

Any ideas on how to explain to him that I was frustrated and he is being a dip? Or if I'm being a dip, please let me know.

[Deleted]

Do you normally leave the infant carrier in one of the cars vs bringing it inside? We always brought ours inside so that it didn't get left in one persons car and the other was stranded. Either way, if your H last used it and knew enough to put your base back in your car, why didn't it dawn on him that it would be useless without the carrier?

[nonsenseabound]

we almost always bring it inside with us. DH has a base in his car too. He forgot to bring the actual carrier back in after he used it.

He made a mistake and I was frustrated by it. I didn't yell or belittle him. But He gets do dang defensive and points out what I do wrong when he makes a mistake. I just want that part to stop.

[Deleted]

I'm assuming that when you called him the conversation was more like "hey do you know where're car seat carrier is?" rather than "you took the at seat carrier to work with you today you stupid asshole!", right?

Accidents like this are bound to happen with two busy parents. While he shouldn't get defensive, you shouldn't get pissed. It could hav just as easily been the other way around.

He was probably pissed a himself for forgetting, and rather than acknowledge his oops it's easier to redirect the anger at you. M dad does that all the time.

[isabel]

Dec 10, 2012 11:07:42 GMT -5 @idaholakelady said:

He was probably pissed a himself for forgetting, and rather than acknowledge his oops it's easier to redirect the anger at you. M dad does that all the time.

DH and I have had a lot of conversations in regard to this. He used to get upset with himself and then put the blame on me. I explained over and over that all I was looking for was an apology. It took a good amount of time and me staying calm in the moment to make him do the same. He's pretty good about it now. And even if he doesn't apologize during the fight he *always* does afterward.

Redirecting anger is not appropriate in my opinion, which is why we've worked so hard on it.

[Deleted]

Dad and my H hate apologizing And will do anything to avoid having to say I'm sorry.

[CloudBee]

If this sort of argument isn't common, I would talk calmly about it tonight, and then let it go. (If your chat with him tonight doesn't get you anywhere, drop it quickly and just make sure you both are on top of this in the future if seats are removed from any car.) It's one of those instances where I would pick my battles. I could let an argument like this eat me up for a week or more if I didn't let it go.

Sorry you had a rough morning.

[jena]

His using this time to point out your past mistakes is wrong.

(Now go buy a $45 Scenera to keep as backup and never go through this again. )

[mrssandro]

Stuff like this just happens. Especially with working parents. I am sure he didn't mean to put the blame on you. He probably feels like a jerk because he had it in his car.

Once we left the car seat (our only one at the time) in my dad's truck. He lives all the way in Oklahoma. My DH had to meet him half way to his house. It was embarrassing and we where horrified. I think this is what promoted us to get a second one for our two car family.

Just chalk it up to a manic Monday and give each other hugs later.

[CloudBee]

Dec 10, 2012 11:22:24 GMT -5 @idaholakelady said:

Dad and my H hate apologizing And will do anything to avoid having to say I'm sorry.

My husband shows he's sorry, but isn't as quick to say it as I am. Sometimes I need to really prompt him by saying "but do you realize how inconvenienced I was, can we please work on preventing this in the future?" and then he often says it, which is the closure I need.

But just saying "I'm sorry" ... those are just words. I hate when they are forced because people can show they are sorry without saying them.

Sounds like everyone had a rough morning and he snapped a bit by not working with you through the problem.

With a situation like this I think it's best to focus on working through the issue vs. placing blame, even if someone is very much to blame. Chances are the person at fault is learning their lesson by either having to fix the problem, or feeling guilty. Pointing fingers may not do much more than cause additional friction.

[anna7602]

Dec 10, 2012 11:12:56 GMT -5 gravytrain225 said:

This seems like a situation where you're probably right, and he feels guilty so is trying to turn it around on you. Seems like one I'd pick my battles and just drop it, even though you know you are right.

This. DH and I have ridiculous quibbles similar to this occasionally. Just this morning, he was trying to pack DD's lunch for school (something I normally do and didn't ask him to do) and couldn't find one of her tupperware containers. He got really frustrated that he doesn't know where all the supplies are kept, but instead got snappy about how I store things in weird places and this was delaying his morning routine. This in turn made me snappy about how I don't store things with his ease in mind. Gaaa. We were both wrong, I know that.

[drloretta]

A lot of people would rather get defensive/turn things around than just say, "You know, you're right, I'm sorry."

I agree, let it go. Next time it happens, instead of going back and forth, tell him you just want him to say he's sorry so you can move on.

[momof2boys]

For the first five years of my kids lives we only let the kids go in one car. My husbands care was old and unreliable, we didn't deem it safe enough for them (yeah we shouldn't have been driving around in it either..) Anyways, we finally got a new car so the kids can go in either car. We spent the first three months trying to juggle car seats, and failing. Several times the person took the car with the car seats leaving other person at home with kids and no car seat. After doing this several times I broke down and bought another set of car seats for the other car. Didn't want to spend the money, but totally worth it!

[momof2boys]

I've also accidentally taken his keys to work b/c I drove his car last and they were in my coat pocket etc. After I get to work I get the call that I have his keys and need to go home. Thankfully with this new car we have two sets of keys
Its easy to get annoyed at each other (b/c we totally do) at the end of the day it was an accident and not a big deal in the scheme of things.