Moms of 2+, help me please!

[sugarbear]

I am having irrational (I think) thoughts and I need your help calming myself down. DS is 2.5 and I am 24 weeks pregnant with #2. I am consumed these days with thoughts of regret--
that DS won't love #2
that DS won't get enough attention from us when #2 arrives
that our family life is great now, finally we have a rhythm that works for us, and we're throwing a wrench into the whole thing.
and, now that DH works evenings (and really, I do think this is a rational concern but I still need you to tell me it will be ok), that I'll be completely responsible for bed time 4-5 nights per week, for a toddler and an infant, and I will absolutely lose my shit.


Also, I keep remembering how truly difficult DS was as a baby, and I know that all babies aren't that hard. I'm hoping that we get an easy baby this time (LOL)... but to ease my mind, can you tell me all of the ways #2 was easier than number one?

[Deleted]

I can't help, but I have a DD about your son's age and I have a lot of the same worries. I am not concerned about her loving #2 but everything else on your list is on my list, especially the last one (DH typically works till about 8 and I am dreading being alone with two for bedtime every night.

Hugs. I keep remembering how we were so afraid of his work hours and throwing a big wrench into our happy DINK lives before DD came along and how happy we are now and how we couldn't imagine life without her. I also remind myself that however hard the first 6 months or so are (and really with DD it was only the first 4), it is only a few months compared to a lifetime of the joy of raising another child and seeing wonderful sweet sibling interaction. (Or something along those lines. )

[vanillacourage]

Having 2 has not been nearly as difficult as I'd worried.

My older son adores the baby. Baby beams as soon as DS1 enters the room.

Try to stop worrying....because it's too late now.

[sugarbear]

Dec 11, 2012 15:57:31 GMT -5 @carmensandiego said:

I can't help, but I have a DD about your son's age and I have a lot of the same worries. I am not concerned about her loving #2 but everything else on your list is on my list, especially the last one (DH typically works till about 8 and I am dreading being alone with two for bedtime every night.

Hugs. I keep remembering how we were so afraid of his work hours and throwing a big wrench into our happy DINK lives before DD came along and how happy we are now and how we couldn't imagine life without her. I also remind myself that however hard the first 6 months or so are (and really with DD it was only the first 4), it is only a few months compared to a lifetime of the joy of raising another child and seeing wonderful sweet sibling interaction. (Or something along those lines. )

Right. It's not that I'm regretting this decision... I am trying really hard to focus on how easy our life has gotten with DS and how it will be like that again, someday.

And then, of course, how we're going to ruin DS in the process

[Dorothy Zbornak]

Dec 11, 2012 16:01:45 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Having 2 has not been nearly as difficult as I'd worried.

My older son adores the baby. Baby beams as soon as DS1 enters the room.

Try to stop worrying....because it's too late now.

All of this!

Sent from Santa's sack

[vanillacourage]

Dec 11, 2012 16:03:27 GMT -5 sugarbear said:

And then, of course, how we're going to ruin DS in the process

I just had to come back and say that you're not going to ruin your DS. When the baby is here he'll learn that sometimes you have to wait your turn or share your toys, love in a household can multiply infinite times, and that others (i.e. the new baby) will follow the example he sets. These things are all great for his development. And, you should see the look of pride on my older son's face when he correctly diagnoses why the baby is crying (and then makes him happy again). He's learning empathy and personal responsibility without even knowing it.

Yes, change can be painful, but it's also a learning opportunity, even for a little person. Try to focus on all the good things that are in store for you - and trust me, they are many!

[sugarbear]

Dec 11, 2012 16:01:45 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Having 2 has not been nearly as difficult as I'd worried.

My older son adores the baby. Baby beams as soon as DS1 enters the room.

Try to stop worrying....because it's too late now.

Did your son ever say that he didn't want the baby? I think this is what's throwing me for a loop today (it's new; he just started saying this on Sunday ).

[sugarbear]

Dec 11, 2012 16:16:44 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Dec 11, 2012 16:03:27 GMT -5 sugarbear said:

And then, of course, how we're going to ruin DS in the process

I just had to come back and say that you're not going to ruin your DS. When the baby is here he'll learn that sometimes you have to wait your turn or share your toys, love in a household can multiply infinite times, and that others (i.e. the new baby) will follow the example he sets. These things are all great for his development. And, you should see the look of pride on my older son's face when he correctly diagnoses why the baby is crying (and then makes him happy again). He's learning empathy and personal responsibility without even knowing it.

Yes, change can be painful, but it's also a learning opportunity, even for a little person. Try to focus on all the good things that are in store for you - and trust me, they are many!

OMG, pregnancy hormones.
This totally just made me cry.
Thank you, really. This is exactly what I needed to hear.

[Dorothy Zbornak]

Dec 11, 2012 16:16:44 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Dec 11, 2012 16:03:27 GMT -5 sugarbear said:

And then, of course, how we're going to ruin DS in the process

I just had to come back and say that you're not going to ruin your DS. When the baby is here he'll learn that sometimes you have to wait your turn or share your toys, love in a household can multiply infinite times, and that others (i.e. the new baby) will follow the example he sets. These things are all great for his development. And, you should see the look of pride on my older son's face when he correctly diagnoses why the baby is crying (and then makes him happy again). He's learning empathy and personal responsibility without even knowing it.

Yes, change can be painful, but it's also a learning opportunity, even for a little person. Try to focus on all the good things that are in store for you - and trust me, they are many!

Seriously, all of this! Siblings are such a gift!

I was so worried, too. But it was all for nothing. Look at this cuteness!

Sent from Santa's sack

[rootbeerfloat]

Those thoughts are totally normal, but it will work out, and your DS will adjust. Ok, yes, your current routine will be disrupted, but you'll find a new one.

DD was easier than her brother, though this was likely because I was far less anxious as a mother. I wasn't consumed with how much she ate or slept, etc. To this day, she is more adaptable than her brother, though her mellow newborn days are long gone; she's quite a feisty toddler!

Honestly, even if DS complains about DD's existence once in a blue moon, it is rare, and they love each other. It's been good for him to learn to share his parents and to have a playmate. It gets better as they age, too.

[sugarbear]

Dec 11, 2012 16:25:42 GMT -5 rootbeerfloat said:

Those thoughts are totally normal, but it will work out, and your DS will adjust. Ok, yes, your current routine will be disrupted, but you'll find a new one.

DD was easier than her brother, though this was likely because I was far less anxious as a mother. I wasn't consumed with how much she ate or slept, etc. To this day, she is more adaptable than her brother, though her mellow newborn days are long gone; she's quite a feisty toddler!

Honestly, even if DS complains about DD's existence once in a blue moon, it is rare, and they love each other. It's been good for him to learn to share his parents and to have a playmate. It gets better as they age, too.

I was thinking back to DS's first days home, when I kept track of every freaking poop, pee, breath, spit up, and fart to the minute. I timed all of his naps and nursing sessions. There is no way that I can do that again, not with a toddler running around. But I'm really thinking that I was way over the top in the first place, so I'm hoping I'll be much more relaxed this time.

[holly116]

Dec 11, 2012 16:21:23 GMT -5 Dorothy Zbornak said:

Dec 11, 2012 16:16:44 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

I just had to come back and say that you're not going to ruin your DS. When the baby is here he'll learn that sometimes you have to wait your turn or share your toys, love in a household can multiply infinite times, and that others (i.e. the new baby) will follow the example he sets. These things are all great for his development. And, you should see the look of pride on my older son's face when he correctly diagnoses why the baby is crying (and then makes him happy again). He's learning empathy and personal responsibility without even knowing it.

Yes, change can be painful, but it's also a learning opportunity, even for a little person. Try to focus on all the good things that are in store for you - and trust me, they are many!

Seriously, all of this! Siblings are such a gift!

I was so worried, too. But it was all for nothing. Look at this cuteness!

Sent from Santa's sack

Yes! And as a counterpoint, even if its really, really hard at first, I promise you will get to a point where you're in a rhythm again. Just last night my DH and I took both kids out to dinner and it was down right pleasant! They ate, no one cried, no food was thrown on the floor! Both of us were able to eat too, it was glorious. There were times when DS was brand new that we thought that would never happen again but we felt that way after our first was born too.

And, having two close together pays off in so many ways. I was always so consumed with entertaining DD when she was itty bitty. DS couldn't be more entertained by DD. Especially now that DS is mobile, they really play together. Life is so much more full for each of them. It truly is a gift.

[Deleted]

I was much, much more relaxed the second and third time around. I knew that things would start off hard (and they did) but get progressively easier (which they did). Your feelings are normal. Just keep reminding yourself: you got through the hard times once before, you can do it again. This too shall pass.

You're giving your son a great gift: a sibling to share life's ups and downs with. He's so young, he'll never remember a time before his little brother. And with any luck, they'll grow up to be great friends.

[GailGoldie]

I think most moms go through these worries. I know i cried my eyes out the last night I put Griffin to bed before having the twins... thoughts of "what are we doing to him??? He will hate them!", etc.

but he never hated them- has always loved them... and now watching the 3 of them play together = knowing that we gave him the best thing we ever could- sibings.

i can't say the 2nd were easier- b/c there was 2 of them, lol. But my 1st was a very good baby... one of the twins was very easy, the other not so easy b/c of reflux- but we all survived.

just keep in mind - babies are like luggage early on- you can put them down if not feeding/changing them.... do it - put the baby down a lot and play with the older child- so he knows that he is still important. A good friend gave me that advice and I followed it - and i think it helped a ton.

I used to put the twins in the bumbo seats on the floor and they'd watch Griffin and I play. He loved having an "audience" and they loved watching - so it was a win/win. Early on, as little infants, if they weren't eating, etc - they would hang out in their baby seats or swings and I'd spend time with griffin a lot. and when the twins took their first nap of the day (griffin was only taking one nap at the time) i'd take Griffin out in the yard and do something special with him. He never resented his brothers.

He was 2y2mo when the twins were born and I think it's a great age split - too young to remember being an only, but old enough to do some things on his own.

you'll do great- it's all normal!

[jena]

Normal to freak out, but it will all be ok. I did the same. And then did it again when I was pg with #3.

You will get your groove back. You are not ruining anyone's life. You will figure out night time.

I keep the baby up later than the older kids - at least in the newborn phase because they take 347 naps a day anyway. So DD gets hauled around through the entire toothbrushing, pottying, screaming fits over the wrong pajamas, book reading fiasco that is our bedtime. And it doesn't bother her one bit (she's 5wks old).

If you use a sling or wrap, baby wearing does make things easier at times and just increases the baby portability factor so that you can put shoes on a toddler or wipe poopy butts with a baby strapped to you.

[brit1017]

These are completely normal worries. Things won't be the same after #2, but that doesn't mean that things will be worse, just different (and probably a little crazier

DH has always worked evenings, so doing bedtimes on my own was something I worried about. It worked out fine. When DD was small, I bathed her separately from DS (usually during the day), and then kept her in the bathroom in a bouncy seat while I gave DS his bath. I would get him dressed in his jammies, then BF her and put her down in the cosleeper while I read to him and put him to bed. As soon as she could sit up, I started putting them in the tub together with her in the bath ring. There are a few more interruptions with bedtimes (one is always coming in while I'm reading to the other) but overall it is fine.

[sugarbear]

I feel so much better now.
Really, thank you so much for these responses. I'm breathing a (small) sigh of relief.