My wife sucks

[joyseattle]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.

I doesn't sound like your looking for advice, so if you aren't just ignore the rest of this, but I wanted to share that NVC or Compassionate Communication has been super helpful for Christine and I when dealing with situations where it doesn't feel easy to be heard or as if there's much space for negotiation. It's needs based articulation and from what you posted it would make a lot of sense to frame it in such a way, because there are always needs -- which can often feel in competition with each other.

These are all my interpretations, but it sounds like perhaps your need for connect/support in general, your need for autonomy/freedom/space/time specifically once a week, your need for connection/community and/or meaning/spirituality in the form of church, and her need for connection/honesty/reassurance that you're still the same person regardless of church/Christianity, her need for connection/clear expectations about amount of time you'll be gone, and her (and perhaps your) need for autonomy/space when she's upset when you return. NVC has models for determining which of the needs are most important to analyze, share and get some acknowledgement about. What I've learned is that ultimately, needs don't go away and if they aren't met it can cause greater emotional turmoil, individually and in relationship.

Best wishes sorting through all of this!

[2brides]

Ugh. I am so sorry. It sounds like it is time for a huge Come to Jesus discussion (no pun intended.) You deserve to have time alone and she needs to be able to care for the kids alone without bitching. NVC is a good place to start, but she has to be willing to hear your needs. I hope she can.

Good luck!

[twotrue]

I'm going to be honest. I haven't been a huge fan of J since your very first post on SSH. Remember that one? About you feeling like you had to change your look/style for her? I remember the 'before' and 'after' pictures you posted. There was a real saddness to that post because you felt like you couldn't be you and still have her love.

Now, my wife isn't perfect, nor is our relationship so please understand I'm not sitting here on some thrown looking down on you. I've read your posts for years now, and there is a constant theme of you not getting your needs met by J. I agree with 2brides, you really need to have a very serious discussion about getting your needs/wants taken care of. If I were in your shoes I would try to have that discussion in front of a counselor but IIRC, J is against that, right?

Some of the most honest, difficult, and rewarding conversations K and I have had are with our therapist. There is a comfort and safeness that comes from having a 'mediator' that might benefit both of you.

I really hope things improve for you and J. You deserve to be fulfilled and have time to yourself without guilt. You also deserve to do things without worrying if it'll upset J. ((hugs)) take care of yourself.

[rikkiandjulie]

Dec 16, 2012 21:23:44 GMT -5 twotrue said:

I'm going to be honest. I haven't been a huge fan of J since your very first post on SSH. Remember that one? About you feeling like you had to change your look/style for her? I remember the 'before' and 'after' pictures you posted. There was a real saddness to that post because you felt like you couldn't be you and still have her love.

Now, my wife isn't perfect, nor is our relationship so please understand I'm not sitting here on some thrown looking down on you. I've read your posts for years now, and there is a constant theme of you not getting your needs met by J. I agree with 2brides, you really need to have a very serious discussion about getting your needs/wants taken care of. If I were in your shoes I would try to have that discussion in front of a counselor but IIRC, J is against that, right?

Some of the most honest, difficult, and rewarding conversations K and I have had are with our therapist. There is a comfort and safeness that comes from having a 'mediator' that might benefit both of you.

I really hope things improve for you and J. You deserve to be fulfilled and have time to yourself without guilt. You also deserve to do things without worrying if it'll upset J. ((hugs)) take care of yourself.

THIS! All of this!

You both need to get to counseling together and separately. It will help you both tremendously. I think in the discussion when you have the talk you should mention to her "This is what I need from you, I'm not getting it, I also need Xyz, and for this to work we need counseling. It's not getting resolved on its own". I'm not advocating for you to leave, but something's gotta give in either direction. You cant keep putting yourself through hell, if shes not even trying. KWIM?


Rikki-iPhone

[Deleted]

Thanks everyone, I'll probably DD tonight.

[Duchess1]

I didn't see the original post but it's clear you are unhappy. I am sorry you are in this place. I hope things improve soon.

[tattooedmeegs]

Dec 16, 2012 21:23:44 GMT -5 twotrue said:

I'm going to be honest. I haven't been a huge fan of J since your very first post on SSH. Remember that one? About you feeling like you had to change your look/style for her? I remember the 'before' and 'after' pictures you posted. There was a real saddness to that post because you felt like you couldn't be you and still have her love.

Now, my wife isn't perfect, nor is our relationship so please understand I'm not sitting here on some thrown looking down on you. I've read your posts for years now, and there is a constant theme of you not getting your needs met by J. I agree with 2brides, you really need to have a very serious discussion about getting your needs/wants taken care of. If I were in your shoes I would try to have that discussion in front of a counselor but IIRC, J is against that, right?

Some of the most honest, difficult, and rewarding conversations K and I have had are with our therapist. There is a comfort and safeness that comes from having a 'mediator' that might benefit both of you.

I really hope things improve for you and J. You deserve to be fulfilled and have time to yourself without guilt. You also deserve to do things without worrying if it'll upset J. ((hugs)) take care of yourself.

I didn't get a chance to respond to the original post, but Two put in words what I couldn't. I hope you can have some good, productive talks, and I really hope that something can change so that J can start loving you for YOU.