Feeling kinda melancholy - coming out to family

[Deleted]

I'm sorry if this will be long and heavy, I just don't know what I should do or who to talk to about this.
As you may know I recently had a surgery as part of my transition, and I spent a whole week at my mom's while I recovered.
I had a really great time and it gave us a chance to visit and talk. She's the only one in my family (supposedly) that knows I'm a transsexual. We've had a very broken relationship for the greater part of 20 years, and don't really get along to say the least.
Two months into transition we had an explosive argument. It was over something stupid but it brought back a bunch of crap about family never accepting me and always disapproving of nearly every decision I've ever made in my life. But basically, at that point I was so fed up with it and I was about ready to walk out of her life for good and it was then that I told her everything, and that she is getting a daughter whether she likes it or not.
She seemed really supportive, but my therapist agreed with me that it's probably only in so far as she's afraid she will lose me forever if she doesn't. Especially because she keeps telling me how what I'm doing is "going against god" and sin, and god doesn't make mistakes, and all that.
Despite that, I've tried really hard to be more understanding with my mom and be more patient with her and try to help her understand me, and we've generally been getting along pretty well lately.

The reason I feel so sad tonight is because while I was at my mom's, my eldest brother had made a comment about me, asking if "Rogina" (some weird feminine twist on my old name) had cut of his balls yet. My mom laughed and thought it was funny, but got pissed and defensive when I didn't find it funny but hurtful, and told her so. She downplayed it and said he can just tell things about people, but I think she told him.

It would take too long to explain because there's a lot of backstory to it, but I feel like I'm not ready at this point in my life to come out to family and deal with the crap from them. I'm still very early in my transition and still discovering myself and establishing myself in my new role and don't feel like I'm strong enough to deal with any backlash from them.

My sister was a lesbian for many years, and also legally changed her name, and I remember all the jokes and snide remarks they made behind her back, and all the crap she had to endure from family.
My eldest brother, as much as I love him, is a bigot, and was often the instigator in those jokes and remarks. On top of that, my mom absolutely adores him and idolizes him, and he can never do any wrong in her eyes and she fiercely defends him no matter what, which is why I think she got so pissed at me that night when I pointed out that his joke wasn't funny but hurtful. Because it did hurt.
They don't understand that it's exactly that kind of behaviour that drives me away and makes me want to keep my distance, and why I don't like going to family functions. Which is why I've decided to sit out christmas this year. I can't stand bigoted and such narrowminded and intolerant people. God forbid that I think I might actually like men too.

I really want to be a part of my family's lives, but I just can't deal with the jokes and nasty comments that will inevitably happen when they do find out that I'm trans. I just don't know what to do or how to deal with this. I feel like, no, they don't have to support me in my decision to become a woman, but if they want me in their lives they will have to accept me for what I am, because I cannot live this lie any more or run away from myself any more. And they don't understand that the person they've known all these years is a LIE that I fabricated and projected onto others, it was never the real me.

Sorry that this turned out to be so long, I just don't know who to talk to right now. Just feel sad, because I love them very much and want meaningful relationships with them, I just don't know that I ever can. I mean, relationships should be there to support and love one another and build each other up, don't you think? Not be a negative force in your life. I'm not transitioning for the hell of it or on a whim, I'm doing this because it's who I really am and I'm doing it for the sake of my own happiness and well being, and I'm certainly not living my life to please others.

Thanks for listening. Sorry for the long vent. There is much more to this but I tried to keep it as short as possible, so sorry if it doesn't totally make sense.

[twotrue]

I'm sorry. I don't envy your position at all. You say your sister "was a lesbian" for many years, is she not anymore? Could she be a support system for you (whether gay or straight)?

Do you think your family situation will be worse if you just show up one day as a woman vs. slowly preparing them (I guess mostly your brother)?

[2brides]

I have no real words of widsom, but hope you are able to find support and acceptance if not in your family or origin, from your friends and family of choice.

[Deleted]

Dec 17, 2012 10:52:41 GMT -5 twotrue said:

I'm sorry. I don't envy your position at all. You say your sister "was a lesbian" for many years, is she not anymore? Could she be a support system for you (whether gay or straight)?

Do you think your family situation will be worse if you just show up one day as a woman vs. slowly preparing them (I guess mostly your brother)?

My sister was lesbian for more than 10 years. She ended up getting married and had 3 children, and AFAIK dates only guys now. She got divorced quite a while back.
I came out to her more than 10 years ago and she was super supportive. I think because she understands given the crap she went through with family.
She moved out of state a few years ago and pretty much has nothing to do with the family now. I didn't transition when I first came out to her because of an unsupportive doctor and I had no access to resources then and didn't know where to go, and I did try coming out to my mom but she was very unsupportive as well. So once again I buried my feelings as hard as I could and tried to move on. She ended up forgetting about it and life went on as "normal".

I've thought about just showing up at a family function in girl mode one of these days, just to be a bitch to be honest. Just lay it all on them at once and force their hand so to speak. But that's childish IMHO, atleast for those reasons.

Thanks for the replies from you both. I just needed to vent more than anything.