I need a crash course in parenting two-year-olds

[thiswillbe]

S left Saturday for her Paris trip and I did NOT do well this weekend. I'm sure there are some great solutions in any of the million parenting books I have at home, but I know I won't have time/energy to read them right now. Can anyone help me?

I had huge issues yesterday trying to get the kids to sleep. What was supposed to be naptime got started hours late because I opted to go to church (with them, of course), which always puts us back late. Some weekend days we push nap late and it doesn't seem to have an impact, so I thought I was safe. It was an unmitigated disaster. After 40 minutes of trying to get them to lay down and be quiet, I finally left their room to take a breather. I sat outside their door for another 10 minutes listening to them jump on their beds before I finally threw in the towel and decided to stop trying to get them to nap.

Last night everything was fine until the lights were off, then it all started back up again. DS kept crawling over the ottoman that separates their beds and messing with DD, and she was doing her fair share of instigating, too. I pulled his crib (well, toddler bed now) away from hers, and it helped a little but not much. I did everything I could think to do, up to and including yelling (not happy about that). I was so upset about the whole thing I can't even remember what finally got them to be quiet.

Anyway, I know there's a better way to do it, and while I don't expect a repeat performance tonight, I want to be ready with options. What would/do you do?

[ct]

Bed time is hard with toddlers when you are solo. I've done it a lot and it is def the time when i lose my cool the most so don't beat yourself up. You are outnumbered and they know it.

I find the trick is to keep the upper hand at all times. Not so much bribery as incentive. (or so i like to tell myself!)

What will work is different for each child, but here are some examples:
- Randomly RB has decided she want to keep the door open when she's sleeping. So, i use it to my advantage and the deal is that she must lay quietly in her bed or else the door closes. One night the two of them were being trouble, trouble, trouble so I grabbed tape and put 2 squares on the floor. They represented chances. If I heard a peep or someone got out of bed, the door would move down to the next square (closer to being closed). That worked well (mainly to address RB. Daisy would not have understood the "levels", but she would understand that being loud/getting up = closed door. lay quietly = open door)

- this weekend I had to get all 3 kids to bed in a tight space in a full and noisy house. Of course they were distracted and just wanted to get up and re-join the party. So i let them each pick a toy to bring to bed. I called them "good night-night" toys. The things they picked were ridiculous and not something I'd usually let them sleep with, but again, you do what you have to do to get the upper hand when you are outnumbered. If I heard a peep, the toy went away. (I said something silly like, "this toy is very tired and needs to go to bed. If you are loud, it will keep the toy awake and I will have to move it to a new room so it can sleep.") Worked like a charm (whew!).

Other than using incentives, planning is super helpful. Having pjs/diapers/toothbrushes/ect at the ready is huge for me keeping my head and feeling in control. I also use the timer a lot - this helps with transitions and for some reason they get a lot less frustrated when "the timer" tells them playtime is over vs mommy.

[ct]

Are the struggles mostly bed time? How did this morning go?

[2brides]

Have the nap/bed time antics just started when S left? If so, it is probably just an annoying reaction to her being gone, routines being slightly different, etc. If it has been an ongoing issue, you might want to look at changing up the bedtime routines or perhaps they are ready to give up their nap (I know, I know...) and putting them to bed earlier before they get their second wind.

I know there was a time sometime in the 2s that in order for me to get them to nap, I had to sit in their room and pat their backs for them to quiet down enough to fall asleep. They were exhausted, but too excited/wired to sleep and it was exacerbated by them sharing a room and egging each other on. Can one nap else where? (this never worked for me...but I know other parents who do this.)

it sounds like because nap was pushed back, they got that wound up second wind and then were overtired at bedtime. In any case it sucks, and I hope you have an easy night tonight.

[twotrue]

Well I only have one so I don't know how much of your problem is having two feeding off each other, or just generally 2.5 year old toddler shit.

In regards to nap time, I probably would have just let them keep jumping/playing and left them alone for 20+ minutes instead of giving up on nap time. Do you have a video monitor? There are times I put JB down for nap, I know she isn't going to sleep, but I just watch her on the monitor. She'll get up and get a book, put her feet all over the walls, grab toys, etc. But eventually, and every single time, she will fall asleep.

And honestly, I might have just done the same thing at night. It's not as though you would do it every night, but if they aren't in danger of hurting themselves or each other, I'd let them goof around for a bit because eventually they will fall asleep.

Is it ideal? Probably not, but in that moment you would have less stress and they would eventually get their sleep. But, without a video monitor I don't know that I would do this. I get comfort from seeing JB and knowing what she is doing when trying to fall asleep.

[2brides]

And I completely concur with CT on staying one step ahead of them. When I am alone with the kids, I am very structured in routine and try my damndest not let them have down time between the bedtime activity and getting into bed. When L is home, she is less structured and will stop to put on her on pjs, take out her contacts, etc which gives them even 2m to get wound up again...making corralling them into bed a nightmare.

As someone who's done a lot of solo parenting, it gets easier and easier.

[twotrue]

Dec 17, 2012 12:53:03 GMT -5 ct said:

- Randomly RB has decided she want to keep the door open when she's sleeping.

What is this about? JB just started this too. Does Rosebud get up at night and how do you deal with that with the door open? Although, I'm guessing since she is a bit older she can probably already open her bedroom door anyway.

I've left JB's door open but then she wakes up and comes into our room. If I close her door when I go to bed, and she wakes during the night to find her door closed she screams bloody murder.

And if by some miracle she sleeps all night with the door open and stays in her own room then the damn dogs wake her up in the morning (even when locked downstairs) with all their whining and excitement at being let out.

[ct]

I'm pretty sure the door being open goes hand in hand with nightmares starting. I typically close the door when I go to bed and usually its fine. if she wakes up having to pee, she just opens the door and goes to the bathroom. but, if she wakes from a nightmare to find the door closed, she flips out...but she's pretty much flipping out and calling for us anyway so its not really because of the door.

[twotrue]

Dec 17, 2012 13:19:31 GMT -5 ct said:

I'm pretty sure the door being open goes hand in hand with nightmares starting.

This is what I've been saying to K. Glad to know my instincts match up with someone else.

[2brides]

We've always left the bedroom door open and they've taken to getting up and closing it so they can talk/having their reading lights on. They think they are so sneaky....

[hensmum]

You've gotten great advice here! I can't relate to balancing two, but when out of routine I definitely think preparation and incentives are awesome. Also, allowing more time to get everything done, since there's only one set of mom-hands.

I also think it sometimes helps H when we are out of routine to talk to him beforehand about how things will go - in your case "Since Mama is home tonight, we're going to do bedtime a little differently. Here's how it will go..." That could be helpful.

And I def agree with Two about just leaving them in there, haha. I know it's riskier with two because they could hurt each other, but if you have a video monitor (I wish we did!), then for SURE try that if you have a problem again. I really should probably try that with H at naptime to get him away from nursing down for nap, but I treasure his naptime way to much to mess with it right now, haha.

Good luck tonight!

[thiswillbe]

Thanks for all the great ideas. To answer some questions...

1) Yes, the nap/bedtime shenanigans are just since DW's been gone, and just this trip (usually they're sad but don't act out when she's gone). In general we have just started to hit the "terrible" part of "terrible twos" (and yes, I was totally That Mom who thought we'd dodged that bullet, lol), but the antics have *never* been at this level.

2) This morning, they were fine-- back to their sweet selves. They both asked for the toys/privileges they lost during last night's fun (a toy they call their monkey bars and getting to open/close the garage door), but totally accepted it when I told them they weren't getting those things back until later because of last night. (Although, sidenote: it was actually pretty hilarious when DS realized I was serious. He ran back upstairs, fully clothed and ready to leave, saying that he was going to "go lay still and sleep with his eyes closed." Oh, if only do-overs were that easy!)

3) Re: naptime. Sadly, our video monitor bit the dust about 6 months ago, and we haven't replaced it yet. The sound one we have is crap. I also realize I need to toddler-proof their room better-- the final straw that made me call off the naptime attempt was that when I went back in, I found they'd made a tower together and had gotten DD's prescription ear drops off a super-high shelf. (Oh, yeah, did I mention we have a really bad ear infection in the mix? Fun times...)

4) Re: separate rooms. I think we might be headed in that direction, at least for naps. I know they'd have a hard time with it, though, since they panic when they wake up and can't immediately lay eyes on the other one.

I'm kinda thinking about separating their beds tonight. I've been thinking about doing it for a while (hoping it would help them wake each other up less), but I might let this push me over the edge. I don't want it to seem like a punishment, though. I also don't know if I should change something so fundamental (their beds have been joined with the ottoman since they went to sleeping on toddler beds at 23 months or so) while DW is gone. Hmm...

[2brides]

Yea, I found that leaving the 2 of them in there in the hopes of them playing and then falling asleep was about as likely to happen as me winning the lottery. Why rest when you can play with your BFF with no supervision!?!?!?

I hope tonight is better. And I hate to break it to you....3y was way worse than 2.