"It" still haunts me from time to time

[ktkl09]

As most of you know, I have (had, maybe?) an eating disorder, anorexia that lead to bulimia. I've been in therapy for nearly 8 months and my life is MUCH better. The bulimia is gone, but still I haven't weighed myself in nearly 3 months in fear of what my post recovery weight might be.

Anyway, I've been dealing better with the bulimic thoughts, they are mostly gone, but I still get thoughts of "you've at so much, stop" or "you need to go run 2x today, you ate way too much". I know I haven't ate much though, I've learned to listen to hunger cues and when to stop. I fit into a size 4, so I know I'm not fat, but still, occasionally the voice comes back.

I keep telling myself I should go for a 2nd run today because I had big lunch (typical French food, but in reality I didn't eat all that much). I know I shouldn't run though, after 6 it makes sleeping difficult for me. I need to go find something else to do to take my mind off of it.

Thanks for listening to my rant

[elenetxu]

Big hugs. You're doing great! Keep up the good work, and don't let yourself fall - not even once.

[travelingturtle]

You are doing great! I'm sure it's hard, but you look great. And you need sleep, so don't run!

[NomadicMama]

I'm sorry you are struggling today. While different, I have dealt with severe depression in the past. As a result, I am hyper aware of my depressed feelings. I don't ever want to ever feel that way again. It makes me feel a bit panic-y, which does not help.

Can you find something to take your mind off of things?

FWIW, being aware of your feelings and thoughts is huge.

[ktkl09]

Thanks for the support and replies.

I didn't run, but DH and I did go for a walk, which made me feel better, and we talked about things other than the ED and it took my mind off of it.

We're at his parents' country house with his parents (no problems with them, just his dad can be a bit weird sometimes), and his father keeps commenting on how he ate too much at lunch and doesn't want to eat dinner, etc and that makes the ED voice start. It turns into "You ate too much".
DH's parents don't know that I'm in therapy or about the ED, but I think his mom knows. She was very concerned about me when I weighed my lowest weight (110 lbs), around 130 lbs she told me to stop losing weight. She's told me often, recently, how much healthier I look and happier I seem.

DH and FIL have been constructing an outdoor oven all weekend, so I've been left with a lot time to myself, which leads to the ED thoughts. I've done pretty well at distracting myself with reading and taking pictures though.

[allibally]

I like that you took a wall with your DH versus going out for a second run. It's still an active activity but also can keep your mind off the ED thoughts because you can talk with him while you walk.

*hugs*

[clickerish]

Way to turn a negative into a positive with that walk.

[dulcemariamar]

I am sorry you are going through this. But you are doing such a great job. I know it is hard but you are strong.

I agree with Nomandic. Try to keep busy with friends and hobbies. Hopefully, it will keep those thoughts away.

[popcorn]

Nothing to add except that you are doing amazing! I am really happy for you that you were able to change your life around. I really am.

Also, good job turning a negative into a positive. I'm sure spending time with ILs, even if you like them, can become stressful and add those comments being made it's no wonder you were struggling today.

Anyway, you rock!

[ktkl09]

Thanks ladies, its good to have some encouragement! I really don't talk so honestly about this with people besides my H and my therapist, so I am thankful people here are supportive.
DH is really good support, luckily, or I have no idea what shape I would be in today.

[lolo]

I'm really proud of you. You know that I dealt with anorexia in the past. Those thoughts never really go away, as your therapist has probably told you, but it's what you do with them and how you manage it that is important. You did a wonderful job by taking the walk--you felt better and didn't engage in destructive behavior. That is GREAT to hear and I hope you are patting yourself on the back. Also, I agree with your MIL that you look so healthy and happy in your more recent pics. x

[ktkl09]

Its true Lolo, the thoughts never go away, its just that we don't let the thoughts control us anymore.

I can remember a time (not so long ago) that food/calories/meal planning and weighing myself controlled every minute of my day. It is amazing to not have this "demon" inside my mind anymore.

I'm getting a little teary-eyed writing this!

[wise_rita]

I really thought this was going to be about Stephen King's It! D'oh! ;D

I can't imagine how hard it is to battle an ED. All I can offer is stay strong and healthy!

[crimsonandclover]

Haha - I'm with wise rita - I was thinking you were going to fess up about having a clown nightmare!

In all seriousness, though, it is really amazing that you are working so hard at overcoming your ED. It sounds like you were really able to turn those negative thoughts into positive action.

[Deleted]

Congratulations on the wonderful success - this is huge!! You should be proud, as are we! I wish you all the best in your journey and am really happy to hear that you're doing SO great!

[NomadicMama]

Yeah for a walk with your DH!! And for reaching out to us for support and encouragement! It is difficult to reveal something so personal, but through such acts, we often find what we need, or hope for.

I can imagine that your FIL's comments, while benign to him, are tough for you to hear. And then to have more time on your hands. It sounds like you did well, though. I hope that feels good!

[lolo]

May 27, 2012 17:40:04 GMT -5 NomadicMama said:

It is difficult to reveal something so personal, but through such acts, we often find what we need, or hope for.

I love this.

[americaninoz]

ditto the others - I can't imagine how hard it is to fight those feelings - sounds like you are doing a FAB job

[ExpatFamily06]

Congrats to you for doing so well the last 8 months! Keep strong, you're doing great!

[potatopie]

May 27, 2012 14:33:11 GMT -5 lolo said:

I'm really proud of you. You know that I dealt with anorexia in the past. Those thoughts never really go away, as your therapist has probably told you, but it's what you do with them and how you manage it that is important. You did a wonderful job by taking the walk--you felt better and didn't engage in destructive behavior. That is GREAT to hear and I hope you are patting yourself on the back. Also, I agree with your MIL that you look so healthy and happy in your more recent pics. x

Lolo put it so well. I can only second it all and send more hugs to congratulate you on doing so well.

[pittpurple]

Am super late on this but I'm so impressed with your attitude! It's hard to overcome something like this and it seems like you really have found what works for you. Taking a bad feeling and turning it into extra, relaxing time with your DH is such a great instinct. You just need to deal with one day at a time and yesterday was a good day!

[ktkl09]

Thank you so much ladies for the encouragement!

And yes, the IT clowns still haunts me with his creepy ballons :-)