In Law Question

[TrickyBob]

I lurk here because I find everyone interesting.

I do have a question though. My in - laws live in another state, a few states away. It's my FIL and Step MIL. I happen to like them and want to get to know them but I've only met them 3 times (2 times for the holidays and once for our wedding). They don't e-mail, they don't text, and I don't know how to get to know them really. (edit to add - as in, they don't have those things, not that they just don't do it).

Do I just pick up the phone and start calling? I don't know what I'm supposed to say though "hi, so, tell me about yourself and your life".

I got their address and I want to send things like birthday cards and I want to write them a letter thanking them for everything they did for us for our wedding and such. I guess I'd just like a close(ish) relationship with them but don't know how to go about it.

Any experiences? Any advice?

[ECB]

Yeah, I'm wondering what your DH's relationship is like w/ them.

On one hand it's great that you want to get to know them better. I'd start w/ sending cards, the thank you, and then the next time you see them- make more of a point to talk to them and get to know them. Then, maybe perhaps, there will be a natural move to calling them.

And if your DH is close to them and talks to them, when he calls them, ask to talk to them for a few minutes.

At the same time, though, are you setting up unrelatisitc expectations? Just because you married their son doesn't mean you will become close to them. And this is what begs the question of how close is your DH to them? If he isn't and doesn't want to be closer, HE may not want you becoming close to them.

[ErinExpat]

I agree with the PP's. Maybe they are nice, kind people-but not particularly warm?

Or maybe they are trying to give you two your "space," as you're newlyweds? Who knows what's going through their minds.

I like the idea of sending cards and notes, or maybe you could send something small as a gift, like something your MIL collects, as a gesture.

[TrickyBob]

May 28, 2012 6:03:29 GMT -5 ECB said:

Yeah, I'm wondering what your DH's relationship is like w/ them.

On one hand it's great that you want to get to know them better. I'd start w/ sending cards, the thank you, and then the next time you see them- make more of a point to talk to them and get to know them. Then, maybe perhaps, there will be a natural move to calling them.

And if your DH is close to them and talks to them, when he calls them, ask to talk to them for a few minutes.

At the same time, though, are you setting up unrelatisitc expectations? Just because you married their son doesn't mean you will become close to them. And this is what begs the question of how close is your DH to them? If he isn't and doesn't want to be closer, HE may not want you becoming close to them.

He gets along with them fine, they don't really call each other. I know his father isn't a big talker just like my Husband isn't one. And due to that - they rarely call each other unless they have to.

I wrote up a birthday card to send to his Father and a thank you "letter"; just thanking them for all they've done for us in the past and how much they helped with the wedding.

I, by no means, mean to come off as sounding like we all try to ignore each other. That's not it at all - when they are up for the holidays they are more then welcoming and friendly but they only stay up a day or two before the they make the long drive back home.

I just don't know how to really get to know someone when my Husband and FIL aren't big talkers and don't call much and they don't use things like e-mail or text.

I guess I'm asking in a way - does it seem odd if I would call his step mom just for a chat? I don't even know what I would talk about beyond saying hi.

I may be over thinking this and if I am please let me know. I'm not trying to make it a "yay we're all BFF!!" lol, not at all. And I can see how my explaining it sort of makes it seem that way. =)

[bonquiqui]

I see nothing wrong calling them if that is what you want to do. I personally don't ever call my H's parents, and if they happen to call, they just call his cell phone. It isn't that I don't like them, I do, they are nice people, but we just aren't super close family people.

I mean I have known them for 14 years, but I still wouldn't pick up and call them. We see them once or twice a year, same with my parents and we are totally fine with that. Our friends are like our family.

Anyway, I am babbling, it boils down to just do what you feel comfortable with. Don't overthink it.

[ECB]

HOnestly, yeah, I think you are kind of over thinking it. If you overall have a good relationship w/ them, then don't worry about it. You don't have to be 'close' to them because you married your DH.

I honestly believe that the people you're meant to be close to, you are. You click and it just works, and you go from there. I don't feel that it should take work. I realize you don't live close to them - but there is a lot of DH'[s family who are far away. Some of them - we click and bond when we see each other, and it's easy to touch base here and there outside of that. And others - they are perfectly nice and I like them, but it's just when I see them when we're at family functions. There aren't any "warm and fuzzies" there.

As to your situation, though - if you REALLY want to reach out, pay attention to her the next time.l Try to pick up on a key interest of hers. Then, if you see a story/ an article - whatever - call her up and say "Hey- I just saw ___ and it made me think of you. Did you see it...l.(blah blah blah).

[janiejones]

May 28, 2012 18:27:00 GMT -5 TrickyBob said:

I guess I'm asking in a way - does it seem odd if I would call his step mom just for a chat? I don't even know what I would talk about beyond saying hi.

I may be over thinking this and if I am please let me know. I'm not trying to make it a "yay we're all BFF!!" lol, not at all. And I can see how my explaining it sort of makes it seem that way. =)

I think you need to ease into the calling just for chatting. Whenever you guys connect by phone for other things (birthdays, mother's day, father's day, holidays, making plans, etc) ask for your sMIL and just push the conversation a little further. Ask how she's doing, what's new, etc. The next time you can follow up on the previous chat, then eventually a call to just check in and connect won't seem strange.

YKWIM? you have to build a relationship slowly.