Husband thinks I should give up EBF... is he right

[Deleted]

Isn't the saying don't quit on a bad day?

Was last night an anomaly or does it happen frequently?

We supplement. Hell, most of her intake is formula and we supplement with breastmilk when I can pump enough. If the baby needs a bottle of formula it isn't the end of the world.

My H gets frantic when DD is upset for a long period of time. He will do anything to calm her; run from a work holiday party, drive straight home instead of running errands, etc. Had we been faced with that situation last night, I think my H would have said the same thing.

[arch01]

1. You need to use that 70 ounces before it goes bad. If there is ever a doubt that you'll use it, freeze it.

2. Supplementing is not the end of the world. BUT. If you believe DD is in the middle of a growth spurt, stick it out... it sucks, but you can do it.

3. Take one day at a time. Set a short term goal. You have a LOT going on right now with a new job, new-ish baby... see how you feel next weekend. Do what you can without killing yourself.

DH and I had the exact same conversation. I was in tears over the fact that I was not producing enough and he was not an effective eater. In tears is probably an understatement. It took a long time for me to come to terms with supplementing, but once I got comfortable with it, the pressure was lifted. I wish our situation had been different, but it wasn't. I wanted desperately to EBF and it took a lot for me to be ok with supplementing. At the end of the day, the baby is still being fed.

[Deleted]

This is a question that only YOU can answer. There are so many factors that go into this decision. I nearly lost my mind trying to get what little I could and did give up by the 3 month mark. My issues were very different from yours but I made the call to keep me from going off the deep end. I know many others who refused to stop and put themselves through hell and back b/c that is what they felt was right for them.

There is no right or wrong here. ::hugs::

ETA: I agree with everyone, take a few days to think about it. Supplementing is not the end of the world, neither is quitting altogether. EBFing is HARD for a lot of women, and you need to do what is best for you and your family.

[Deleted]

Dec 27, 2012 10:04:00 GMT -5 gravytrain225 said:

You need to be happy. If it is going to make things better with you and him, and with your new job, I wouldn't think twice. I 110% believe your daughter is going to come out the same if you keep with it or start supplementing.

:Y:

They also say not to quit on a bad day, which I understand. Maybe give yourself a day or two to really think it over so you can be totally comfortable with whatever you decide?

But please don't feel guilty if you do decide to use formula. Your daughter will still be healthy and happy and that's all that matters right?

[ECB]

I agree- only you can make this decision.

But I will say- there is nothing wrong w/ supplementing and there is nothing wrong w/ stopping all together. Nothing. I understand the desire to EBF and the reasons that breast milk is beneficial.

But formula is FINE too. It really, really is!

I had issues nursing DS at first and we had to start supplementing very early on. I was still able to nurse to a degree, but it was never enough. Then even w/ what I was doing - I quit it at 6 months.

Honestly- a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I felt guilty at first, but then I realized that it really was OK to no longer pump/nurse.

[arch01]

Dec 27, 2012 10:16:03 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

Thanks guys. I think part of it is I am terrified with the flu season and her being so tiny and in daycare she really needs my milk. On days when I am around her the whole day I don't struggle to keep up 95% of the time. It's just the added component of feeling whenever I have a free hour I should be working on my freezer stash since I know I have problems pumping at work (even before the new job).

You need to take time for YOU. What problems do you have pumping at work?

[jr009j]

Dec 27, 2012 10:16:03 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

Thanks guys. I think part of it is I am terrified with the flu season and her being so tiny and in daycare she really needs my milk. On days when I am around her the whole day I don't struggle to keep up 95% of the time. It's just the added component of feeling whenever I have a free hour I should be working on my freezer stash since I know I have problems pumping at work (even before the new job).

BFing is such a mindfuck. My supply consistently takes a hit when I'm stressed. I had to travel for work for 3.5 weeks. In the early weeks, I struggled to produce anywhere near enough. However, by the last weeks, I gave myself permission to supplement if I needed to and all of the sudden I was pumping more than enough. I'm not saying stress is your problem, but stress certainly makes it worse. Maybe consider giving yourself permission to supplement if you need to.

I've read in multiple places to think of breastmilk like medicine. Even if you just nurse DD once a day, she's going to get the benefits of your milk.

[arch01]

Dec 27, 2012 10:32:16 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

I was at work 8 days before quitting my job. Between 3 sessions I tended to pump about 9-11 ounces and she normally ate 10-15 while I was away. And that's with my husband who knows to be careful with not using too much milk. So I would need to add in either a super early morning or evening session to keep up. And I tried supplements, oatmeal, etc but it stayed the same... also I am not sure with starting a new job if I can get 3 sessions in a day, may have to reduce to two

Are you able to pump on your commute at all? I pumped 2-3 times a day while driving. Could be an opportunity to get an extra session in.

How's your water intake?

Do what you need to do to reduce the stress-PP was right, stress can kill your supply. Don't worry so much about having a freezer stash for the moment. If you're pumping 9-11 and she's taking 15, use the stash to make it up. That may relieve some of the stress and help your output. If you find that your stash is down to nothing, get some formula and go from there.

It's all manageable. You have to decide though what your threshold is to make you happy. EBFing is not the perfect little dream that some people make it out to be. It's hard as hell and now that I'm a mom, I'm finding more and more people willing to tell their stories about struggling.

Again though, I encourage you to set a goal and reevaluate at that goal date. Sometimes knowing you have a potential changing point helps you to get a new perspective/energy on things.

[livinitup]

I only did 2 sessions when I went back to work. DD actualy ate less at child care than when she was home. It really freaked me out, but she immediately shifted to taking more breast before and after care.

I hope I can say this in a helpful way, but I EBF'ed but mostly because it was so darn easy. Lots of moms have trouble and use formula. I think formula is wonderful for babies and would have used it if I was in your situation last night. I definately would have used your 70 ounce freezer stash. Gosh, I never had 70 ounces in my freezer. I think most moms who EBF have really easy eaters, its not that the mom is doing anything special or toughing through more. I BF'ed because it was my easiest option (minus the hassle of the pump - which wasn't even that bad). So, look to ALL your options to feed your baby. There is no need to torture yourself.

[Ashley&Scott]

Hugs Starry! I know what it's like to be tied to the couch all evening & to have a fussy/colicy baby. It does create a lot of stress for both mom & dad. In our case & probably yours too DH gets stuck doing most of the cooking/cleaning/prep work because I'm nursing.

If I remember correctly your current job is pretty sucky right? If this is the case I would try to stick it out a bit longer & see how things go once you're in a new work environment. Often when one area of your life becomes less stressful it has a spillover effect.

Are you bed sharing? If not give it a try. You'll get a bit more rest if you can lay down while nursing. Do you have any BF support groups in your area? This board is great but in person is helpful too.

If she doesn't normally cluster feed like that then I agree it's probably a growth spurt. Look at the bright side, it's good for your supply

Do you have any friends/family in the area that could help out for a few hours to give you & your husband a break? Are there any services you could hire out, even temporarily to help relieve some stress? (cooking, cleaning, etc)

70 oz is great! As everyone else has said it's fine to supplement if/as needed but sometimes easier said than done to make that leap emotionally. Hang in there! ({) (})

[Mushe]

Hugs, Starry! I agree with PPs to take care of yourself, and use stash or supplement rather than making yourself push through. The stress alone can really hurt your supply.

At the risk of annoying you by giving unsolicited advice, I just wanted to share one thing that helped me. By 4 mo when I went back to work, my baby was single boobing it, so I pumped the other side (and always did my stud boob) while I was putting on makeup and drying my hair. It took about 2 weeks until my body fully responded, but I ended up getting 9 oz at my highest. Without it, I would have been short on milk for daycare.

[hannamaren]

I just want to say that formula is not bad. If breast milk gets 99% on the exam, then formula gets 95%. Still pretty awesome.
Don't kill yourself over something that is still awesome for your baby.
Signed, felt guilty FF for the first 3 months. Then quickly got over it when my baby was happy and as healthy as he rest.

[jr009j]

Dec 27, 2012 11:41:13 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

She isn't fussy on and off all the time anymore. She is 15 weeks and her colic greatly improved at 10 weeks to 1-2 bad nights a week and now is normally only one. She is normally happy throughout the day and her bad time is the late afternoon to when she goes to bed (somewhere between 8-10).

I don't know if you've tried this, but could you try putting her to bed earlier? We went through the same issues at about that age. After reading Healthy Sleep Habits, we realized that we were confusing tired clues and hunger clues. We started consistently putting DD down by 7 and the evening fussies disappeared for the most part.

[catbus]

Dec 27, 2012 11:47:29 GMT -5 jr009j said:

Dec 27, 2012 11:41:13 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

She isn't fussy on and off all the time anymore. She is 15 weeks and her colic greatly improved at 10 weeks to 1-2 bad nights a week and now is normally only one. She is normally happy throughout the day and her bad time is the late afternoon to when she goes to bed (somewhere between 8-10).

I don't know if you've tried this, but could you try putting her to bed earlier? We went through the same issues at about that age. After reading Healthy Sleep Habits, we realized that we were confusing tired clues and hunger clues. We started consistently putting DD down by 7 and the evening fussies disappeared for the most part.

Ditto... not sure of your exact situation (e.g., you're trying to put her to bed earlier, but she's fussy until 10 sometimes), but an earlier consistent bedtime might help the fussiness. We were doing an 8:00 bedtime for E from about 3 weeks until 10 weeks, then he started getting really fussy during the bedtime routine. Now we're aiming for 7:30, and will probably move it up to 7 in the next few weeks. He actually sleeps even better now.

[MadamePresident]

You have to do what makes you happiest. If that means using formula, you're still a good mom. If it means persevering through this rough period, you are also still a good mom.

[jena]

4 Confessions of an "EBFing" mom...

1) Yes, BFing is ridiculously easy for me. After maybe one or two weeks with my first, it was just easy. I've never had thrush or bleeding nips or supply issues or anything. If I lived hundreds of years ago, I'd probably be a wet nurse.

2) I suck at pumping. I hardly get anything (though I'm doing better with my 3rd than I did with the other kids) and the feel of the pump makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

3) I have never had a freezer stash of more than 2 days of milk. And I rarely have that much.

4) So now you're probably wondering how that works if I hate pumping and have no stash. Well, here's the real confession.... I supplemented. And I still consider myself EBF. Most of the time it was just for backup. DD1 especially drank very little at daycare and nursed like a fiend all evening / night. DS definitely had a fair amount of formula though because he was a little porker and guzzled all the BM and had a formula bottle just about everyday of daycare. (DD2 is 7wks and is still "really" EBF for now).

So my EBF status is probably more of a mind game I play with myself. But it also helps keep me from using formula all the time because to me it's just the emergency back up. If baby is having a shitty day of around the clock nursing, I would have nursed all day. I don't give bottles myself and I don't let other people do it when I'm around. I feel like if my friends and family get used to bottle feeding her then they would push me to bottle feed even more. Just in a "here, let me help" sort of way.

So, FWIW, I BFd my kids (almost) exclusively and continued to BF well over a year even though I stopped pumping at 11mo for both. Supplementing just took the pressure off me.


Sent from my HTCEVOV4G using proboards

[Deleted]

I think you should try to make it through this weekend. You've worked so hard for this. However, if you need to supplement, you need to supplement and that is okay.

You've put 150% into this. No guilt needed.

[Ashley&Scott]

I agree she might need to go to bed earlier. Most likely she'll do it on her own once you start daycare, they really wear them out.

M usually conks out between 7-8pm & is up for the day at 6-7am, this has been the case since he started daycare at 9 weeks.

[holly116]

Dec 27, 2012 11:07:25 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

Dec 27, 2012 11:01:09 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

I would love to believe this

It is true though! I EBF two kids and struggled with one. And the one I struggled with was my THIRD.

I totally believe this! My first was easy and my second was ridiculously hard the first three months.

Maybe it'll get a little easier once you're totally healed? Blisters aren't helping. And as several have said, supplementing doesn't mean quitting. Even if you just feed at home and quit pumping she'll still be getting some BM which will help with immunities and to soothe her when she's sick.

My DH and I had this same fight and it sucked. He thought he was being helpful by trying to give me an out. I was so completely hurt by even the suggestion.. I was going to make it work damn it! I kept on and it got easier but I'm at home and don't have to worry about pumping. Hugs. I can't even imagine how hard this has to be for you.

A the end of the day, you have to do what you have to do to balance your baby, your marriage, and your job. If I were you, I'd try and keep at it for a week or so, give yourself some time to see how it shakes out at your new job, and if you need to, adjust your expectations for pumping long term. You've made it so far and done so well up to this point! You should feel good about that no matter what happens next.

[knitty]

If you start supplementing on a bad day because your husband pressured you into it, in a monthnyou're going to really resent him for it. Tell him to stop adding to your pressure and stress by undercutting you.

[Deleted]

I EBF and it's ridiculously easy for me too, hence sticking with it. Two things you said stand out to me though. The first is about being able to soothe her. Dh soothes Lex better than I do many times because I've relied on the boob and he had developed techniques. Work on these skills. I'm starting to find new ways and it's making life easier. I'm also finding that he wants change every week. While he used to fuss and be soothed with being held close, now he fusses and is called by sitting up and watching everything.

The other thing is how EBF is the one thing you can do for her. Instead of the one thing, make it the enjoyable thing. Supplement when you need to, but when you bf, make it mom and baby time. This is when you cuddle up and talk to her, play with her hands, stroke her, enjoy having her around. If she only gets and once or two, fine. There is formula waiting. Just try to make it fun time for both of you.

[Deleted]

Your a good mom. Period. It doesn't matter how you feed your baby. It matters that you feed your baby. The fact that you are so caring and concerned that you are even questioning what is best for your family makes you an EXCELLENT mother.

Do what YOU feel is right for YOUR FAMILY. Period.

[cherry1111]

Hugs. I am still way new to the bfing thing, but I had no idea how hard and demanding it would be. You've done a great job and if you decide to supplement, she will be just fine. Good luck making your decision.

[hski2349]

Dec 27, 2012 11:15:01 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

thanks LSF. It makes total sense. I worry that in the short term when she gets sick at daycare (I know it's a WHEN not an IF) I will be wondering if she would've been less sick with more breastmilk. My mom BF'd my sister for 3 months and as soon as she gave up my sister got chronic ear infections for months. Who knows why but my mom thinks it was led to her weaning. I know I will beat myself up big time if that happens but I shouldn't...

Please don't blame yourself when your LO gets sick. In daycare she will get sick regardless of being breast fed or formula fed. And you cannot always think, what if I did this or what if I did that. Or she would not have been as sick if I did. It is too hard on you. Figure out what works best for you and your LO and that is the best answer. Although, it may not be the easiest to figure out, you will.

[atouchofklasse]

It is not worth being miserable. The effect of BM on flu is very very minimal if anything, and you'll still be giving her some BM. Do not make yourself miserable. Do not. And especially do not let the "breast is best" campaign make you feel guilty- it's completely overblown.

[Deleted]

Hugs--Don't kill yourself! It's not worth it IMO. I've had every version..EFF, EBF & one I did a combo. My EBF by far has the most health problems & has food allergies. It's no gaurantee. BF was impossible with one, easy with one & a constant struggle with the other. It wasn't "about me" per se, they pretty much dictated what had to happen. I did refuse to be miserable with the one I did a combo with--I tried to EBF & she kept loosing weight, I was a mess with worriying & trying everything to get my supply up. I was much happier once I gave up the "exclusive" part & kept BFing for months as I could. Do what feels right. You don't get a gold star . If its that important to ya, stick it out but if its effecting every aspect of life then maybe evaluate.

[dochas]

Breastfeeding tends to be a scapegoat, IMO. Because it's the one "choice", the one thing we have control over in an otherwise uncontrollable situation. She's not going to sleep 12 hours at night and play with tinkertoys while you get dinner on the stove because of formula. You can stop breastfeeding but it isn't going to magically make having a tiny baby easy to deal with.

[nevermind]

This is coming from kind of a stranger to the board, so feel free to disregard. Honestly, this stage is going to be rough no matter how you feed. We did lots of formula with DS (3) and when we had DD, I was determined to keep my supply up and avoid formula. Not because formula's evil (it's not) but because bottles were such a hassle for us. Night waking with DS involved heating a bottle and sitting in a rocking chair. With DD, it's more like grab her, pop her on and go back to sleep. I've been so much more rested.

My advice is to just take a deep breath. Do what's right for you, but formula isn't magically going to make things better. Really believing that this is temporary (it really is) and enjoying the magical parts of having a tiny one will make things better.

I agree that early bedtimes are good, BTW, but your LO is a little bit on the young side for a set schedule. I'd worry more about keeping awake times short (probably around 2 hours max?)

I'd probably tell DH that you'd like his support in continuing and work out ways that he can help you. DH always brought the baby to me in the middle of the night, washed pump parts, washed bottles, etc

[jena]

Oh, and about daycare and illness... BFing isn't going to help. BFing helps when both of you have been exposed to the same thing so then you pass her the right antibodies. If you weren't exposed, i don't think it will help.

Sent from my HTCEVOV4G using proboards

[Ashley&Scott]

Dec 27, 2012 15:13:11 GMT -5 dochas said:

Breastfeeding tends to be a scapegoat, IMO. Because it's the one "choice", the one thing we have control over in an otherwise uncontrollable situation. She's not going to sleep 12 hours at night and play with tinkertoys while you get dinner on the stove because of formula. You can stop breastfeeding but it isn't going to magically make having a tiny baby easy to deal with.

I completely agree with this.