When you can't support your spouse's dream

[Guest]

Dh and I have been at odds for the past couple of months. We finally are working through some issues, but this has brought up an even bigger one. DH admitted to me that he is unhappy here and wants to move abroad again. We spent the first couple years living in various countries, but decided to move back to the US to start a family.

We now have two kids and a house and he wants to pack up and move to Poland to teach English. As much as I've been itching to go abroad again, there is no way I would go back to teaching. Not to mention having to sell our house in a crappy market. I told DH that he should find a position in an international company that would eventually transfer him.

He has turned this into me saying that I never want to live abroad again and seems resentful. I'm tempted to just tell him to go ahead without us. I really don't want to spend my marriage having DH act like I crushed his dreams.

[scotty]

Unless there was some sort of agreement that you'd live your life that way (moving abroad periodically), he's being ridiculous.

[flex]

I think he's unhappy with the marriage as well as being unhappy in the US. I also think that he wouldn't be too broken up if you and the kids didn't go with him.

[Guest]

DH speaks a bit, and picks up on languages pretty quickly.

[speckledfrog]

I could be off base, but it sounds like he's unhappy, doesn't know what to do, and is making you out to be the bad guy.

[Guest]

The kids are almost 4 and 2.

I think you're right about him being unhappy in the marriage, which is why I'm tempted to just tell him to go. I'm so torn about all of this right now. Fundamentally, I think our marriage could be good, but this may be a non-negotiable for DH. I hate doing this to the kids.

[curmudgeon]

It seems like you offered him a perfectly reasonable compromise. If you would like to go abroad again, suggest that he look into the financial feasibility of it. Would the job allow you to live comfortably? Could he look for jobs that you would enjoy? Right now the onus is on him to come up with a practical solution, not on you to make it work so he can do whatever he wants on a whim.

[dcannie]

May 28, 2012 18:13:06 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

I could be off base, but it sounds like he's unhappy, doesn't know what to do, and is making you out to be the bad guy.

i agree w/ this.

[speckledfrog]

May 28, 2012 18:15:35 GMT -5 @Guest said:

The kids are almost 4 and 2.

I think you're right about him being unhappy in the marriage, which is why I'm tempted to just tell him to go. I'm so torn about all of this right now. Fundamentally, I think our marriage could be good, but this may be a non-negotiable for DH. I hate doing this to the kids.

If this is truly a deal breaker for him then you need to take stock and make a decision. Either you'd rather live in the US even if it means doing it without him or your'd rather be with him even if it means living elsewhere.

[Guest]

We taught English in China and I was never fluent in Chinese.

We live 45 min away from family and my kids see my parents at least twice a week.

He told me that we would find a nanny for our DD and find an international school for DS. He totally glossed over the fact that I have no desire to teach again. Or the fact that I told him if we did go abroad that I would want the option to be a SAHM to help ease the transition for the kids.

I think he has given up on any other options. He took a huge paycut at his current job, which forced me back to work. We have been in a tailspin ever since. He hates his job, but isn't motivated to look for any realistic ones. I'm exhausted from being home with the kids during the week and working all weekend. I think we're both tired and he's looking for an easy out.

[curmudgeon]

If you think he is unhappy with life in general then meeting with someone (together or just him) may help get to the bottom of this. Does he realize that living somewhere else with a family will not be the same as it was when you were abroad before? Not moving at the drop of a hat is not being unsupportive, it is being practical and if he wants to improve things he needs to be open to multiple options.

[hubes]

I think he needs to grow up and work on making his dreams come true, rather than blame you for not jumping on his whim. I have a dream too, and DH supports it 100%, but we know that we have other priorities, like a mortgage and a family.

[Guest]

We both agreed that living abroad would be ideal, even if we had a family. Unfortunately, both of our careers didn't put us in this direction and I became a SAHM.

I think DH is really feeling limited by having a family, since we can't just pack up and move. However, it does take two and he conciously decided he wanted these kids.

[angnshaun]

Major overreaction on his part... his dream isnt out of the question, i think its just bad timing.

[scotty]

He needs to wake up from his dream and take care of his reality.

[bonquiqui]

Agreed, I think your H is overreacting. He is being selfish in my opinion. He should realize that it isn't just about him anymore, it is about what is best for the whole family.

[catwithspots]

I am assuming he has TESOL credentials? If so, there are so many openings at the university and jr college level that pays well to teach in this area. Would he be interested in teaching at the university level either full time or part time to build up funds?

It may give you time to plan, build funds, and research...

[margotmacomber]

Yeah, ditto PP that said the offer would have to be super amazing.

DH has great offers for overseas jobs in the next few months. We are more worried about the effects of taking the job on our daughter than we are of the perks, however. She is the first and foremost deciding factor on any job DH accepts this fall.

Your H's priorities seem whacked.

[wise_rita]

May 28, 2012 18:23:03 GMT -5 @Guest said:

He told me that we would find a nanny for our DD and find an international school for DS.

International schools (even for K) cost as much as college. They are VERY expensive, and you can bet an English teacher will not get their kids education paid for by their company/school.

Sounds like your H is miserable in his job so he's clinging to something he knows that might make him happier. I highly doubt he's thought of the logistics. No way would a language school fund four flights, has he thought about that?

He's unhappy and isn't thinking right. Talk some sense into him.

[ralphlauren]

May 28, 2012 18:13:06 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

I could be off base, but it sounds like he's unhappy, doesn't know what to do, and is making you out to be the bad guy.

That is exactly what I was thinking

[drrn04]

There are times to take a risk and follow your dreams, and times to suck it up and live with your current reality. Your H needs to realize that this is reality time. And yes, kids tie you down. Part of being a parent is putting their needs ahead of yours, and even putting your dreams on hold for a bit to make sure theirs are realized. Moving halfway around the world won't guarantee his happiness/solve his problems, and sure as heck won't do much for yours. Not to mention how hard that will be for the kids.

I understand moving for a spouse's job. We've had to move a lot for H's career, and I have refused to move to particular regions. Some places he would absolutely LOVE to live. But he has compromised small parts of his dream, and not applied for his next career step in those regions. There has to be give and take.

If he's unhappy here, he needs to buck up and get happy. Go to therapy, get a new job, teach English on the weekends, whatever. If he still wants to go abroad when the kids have gone to college, by all means, do it. Personally, I wouldn't budge an inch on this, and if that meant he went w/out me, so be it. The timing is all wrong, and it seems he is just looking for an easy out/way to run away from his problems.

[Guest]

Sue sue, I've been back to work for a year now. DH was feeling too much pressure to provide so I stopped SAH. He works during the week and I work three 12-hour shifts fri-sun. This is also part of our problem, since we rarely see each other. I'm pissed that I've already compromised in going back to work and now he wants this.

[Cayl]

May 28, 2012 18:27:07 GMT -5 @Guest said:

We both agreed that living abroad would be ideal, even if we had a family. Unfortunately, both of our careers didn't put us in this direction and I became a SAHM.

I think DH is really feeling limited by having a family, since we can't just pack up and move. However, it does take two and he conciously decided he wanted these kids.

Did you guys discuss where you would live before you actively started TTC? There's a big difference between moving back home specifically to start a family and expecting to remain in the US and agreeing that living abroad would be ideal, even with kids. If you guys had discussed it and agreed to live abroad after having kids then I could see why he's upset, especially after taking a huge pay cut and not being happy in his job, and the fact that your kids haven't started school yet. In his mind, he could be thinking that it's ideal to move before they start school.

For the record, I agree with you and would never move out of the country - or even further away then we are now from family - without a huge opportunity. We would have to be offered a job in a cool place that would majorly improve our standard of living and allow one of us to stay home. Personally I would tell H that I want to stay here, near family, but that if he wants to move its on him to do research and run numbers. If he can find a job that pays well and you could stay home and afford to send your oldest to an international school and live comfortably then maybe it's worth a discussion at least. If not, well then reality crushed his dreams, not you, so hopefully that will stop him being bitter towards you.

[gretchenindisguise]

Given the facts that you very likely cannot afford to move, I'd probably give him the task of finding that out himself.

He says he'll get dd in ib school and a nanny. Awesome. Price it out. Price out the sale of the price. Price of flights to see grandparents.

When he comes to the realization it's not going to work he's going to be pissed. But then use that to say ok, that's off the table for now. Not because of me, but because of circumstances. What can we do to make ourselves more happy here?

You need not be the bad guy, nor he. Just logistically it won't work.

This might include you looking for a new job too. I don't see you guys making this work if he's working 40 hours m-f and you're working 36 f-sun.

[Guest]

Yes circumstances changed, but he had a chance to take a better job. He didn't because he didn't want to be stuck here forever and instead keeps daydreaming about going abroad.

[Guest]

I'm not blaming him, just making a point that I'm not exactly living how I imagined. If I can compromise, he should be able to as well. We both agreed that I would SAH when we had young kids and that changed, which is fine. However I am upset that he thinks I can change and adapt to our current circumstances and he doesn't have to do the same.

[wise_rita]

May 28, 2012 21:38:54 GMT -5 @Guest said:

Yes circumstances changed, but he had a chance to take a better job. He didn't because he didn't want to be stuck here forever and instead keeps daydreaming about going abroad.

He what?!

Without any concrete plans or idea of how feasible this dream of his is, he gave up a higher paying job so he could remain "unattached"?

I am quickly losing sympathy for him and moving into the "grow the eff up, you have kids now" camp.

[sprky79]

I think your husband is mentally going back to the last place in his life where he was truly happy and is thinking to himself, "If I could just go back there, I would be happy again." But he hasn't figured out yet that his life is not what it was then, and you cannot go back in time and repeat the good times any more than you can skip over the bad times. You just have to get through it.

I think he needs a new job, but poland may not be the solution

[dulcemariamar]

How would you even get Visas to work in Europe? Do you have an EU passport?

It is almost impossible to get working papers over here.