Has this been covered? Anyone "one and done"?

[catbus]

H and I are fairly certain we just want one kid, for various reasons. We don't believe our child will be psychologically damaged by being an only child, nor will he be "lonely" (these are the arguments I most often hear against one-child families).
But the default seems to be two kids; everyone assumes we'll have more. Is it that unusual to have just one?

Anyone else here not planning on two or more kids?

[pacificrules]

It does seem unusual and I always feel like the odd-man-out, but we're definitely 'one and done'. Our daughter is almost 3 and everyone thinks it's strange we're not planning another kid by now. But, this is right for our family.

[CloudBee]

We'll probably just have one child. My husband thinks he wants only one, and I'm leaning towards two. We agreed to see how it goes with one to start. I'm content for now. I'm not looking forward to people's reactions if we end up only having one.

[kittycatlove]

We're one and done for various reasons, but mostly because of my age (I'm 43). I know that DS will be fine, he has a bunch of cousins and is thriving at daycare. I do have a twinge of guilt of him being an only and it started when he was about 9 months old, he's 21 months now.

Most people we know assumed we were only having one so we've not gotten any negativity surrounding it. It's mostly me, LOL. Plus a couple of our friends are one and done too.

[MadamePresident]

My SIL & BIL only have one. It works for them.

[lindyanne]

We are one and done. DH and I both grew up somewhat poor. We do well but wanted to be able to provide everything we could for our child. We also have a very high energy child which we didn't know in the decision making process (we were one and done before he was born) but would have played a role had we been on the fence. DH also has a job where he travels some and we have three large dogs (and probably always will) and I didn't want to have two kids and three dogs to 'single parent'. We also like traveling and finding someone to watch one child is easier than finding someone to watch two.

[pamela]

I think it's becoming more and more popular to just have one.

Personally, I'm afraid we'll end up that way because of difficulties I've had staying pregnant. Do I think DS would be damaged by being an only? No, but we'd make an effort to mitigate some of those potential negatives that could come with being an only.

[dr.girlfriend]

Motherfucker. I wrote a giant post and it logged me out. I'll try to be less wordy this time.

We are one and done. Reasons:

1. We like our family the way it is. Neither DH nor I particularly want another. Our only reason would be to give DS a sibling, and neither DH nor I are close to our siblings, so that seems a little silly.
2. We have a two-bedroom house. We could move, but we like our place.
3. I'm 40, and working in a children's hospital I see a lot of bad scenarios. Having another at my age seems like pushing my luck.

I always thought I would have two kids, DH wanted one or none. We agreed on one, and we'd see how we felt. Suprisingly, I found myself moving more toward sticking with one. DH moved toward two a bit, but more in an "only if you really want to" kind of way. It probably didn't help that DS was a really difficult baby -- had tummy problems that basically made him cry for three months solid.

Overall, I plan to encourage DS to stay close to his extended family (more distant cousins) and especially to have friends and make an effort to stay close to them. I'm less worried about him being lonely as a child. Honestly, my biggest concern is when he has to deal with us being elderly/dying. I hope by then he has a family of his own as support, and we plan to make it as easy as possible by being financially stable and having all the arrangements set, but still. I think it's especially acute this week, seeing my bachelor friend dealing with the death of his father. His friends are trying to be there for him, but it's not the same as a sibling. I wish my sister had a kid so DS would have a close cousin, but she's not going to. My three cousins all have kids, but they all live near one another and those kids see each other constantly, so DS would always be the odd one out.

DH has friends from college and he is *great* about staying in touch. They have set occasions when they see each other every year, etc. It's great that he's able to do that, and I think a good model for DS about making his own family.

[kangaroo11]

I don't have my first baby yet, but I'm pretty sure this will be it.

Being pregnant has SUCKED for me. I had about 6 weeks that it wasn't awful, but other than that, I truly hate it and can't imagine ever wanting to go through this again.

DH is an only child and says he's been happy all his life and didn't need siblings. I will say that it's nice to have a brother now (in my 20s and 30s), but it took us a long time to even like each other.

[catbus]

Dec 27, 2012 12:21:36 GMT -5 dr.girlfriend said:

Motherfucker. I wrote a giant post and it logged me out. I'll try to be less wordy this time.

We are one and done. Reasons:

1. We like our family the way it is. Neither DH nor I particularly want another. Our only reason would be to give DS a sibling, and neither DH nor I are close to our siblings, so that seems a little silly.
2. We have a two-bedroom house. We could move, but we like our place.
3. I'm 40, and working in a children's hospital I see a lot of bad scenarios. Having another at my age seems like pushing my luck.

I always thought I would have two kids, DH wanted one or none. We agreed on one, and we'd see how we felt. Suprisingly, I found myself moving more toward sticking with one. DH moved toward two a bit, but more in an "only if you really want to" kind of way. It probably didn't help that DS was a really difficult baby -- had tummy problems that basically made him cry for three months solid.

Overall, I plan to encourage DS to stay close to his extended family (more distant cousins) and especially to have friends and make an effort to stay close to them. I'm less worried about him being lonely as a child. Honestly, my biggest concern is when he has to deal with us being elderly/dying. I hope by then he has a family of his own as support, and we plan to make it as easy as possible by being financially stable and having all the arrangements set, but still. I think it's especially acute this week, seeing my bachelor friend dealing with the death of his father. His friends are trying to be there for him, but it's not the same as a sibling. I wish my sister had a kid so DS would have a close cousin, but she's not going to. My three cousins all have kids, but they all live near one another and those kids see each other constantly, so DS would always be the odd one out.

DH has friends from college and he is *great* about staying in touch. They have set occasions when they see each other every year, etc. It's great that he's able to do that, and I think a good model for DS about making his own family.

This about sums up how I feel on the matter, and I realized that having a second child mainly to prevent our first from being "alone" wasn't enough. I have two siblings, but I'm the oldest by 6.5 years, so we're not especially close. H has a brother who's only two years younger, but they're still not close... and plenty of siblings end up practically hating each other, even as adults. Again, the potential of a close sibling relationship doesn't sway me to want more kids (to be clear, nor does the potential of siblings disliking each other solidify my preference of having just one).
I'm kind of on the fence, but H is pretty set on just having one. We would also wanting to be making significantly more money if we have another, because we still want to travel, possibly pay for private school, and retire comfortably. We have a very low six-figure HHI right now, which barely covers our current expenses/goals.

[cherry1111]

We're not sure right now. If we have a second, one of us will need to increase our income by about 25k or we will have to wait until DS is in public school to be able to afford daycare for #2. Also, I pretty much hated 95% of pregnancy and I don't know how I would have handled it while having to look after another child. On the other hand now that DS is here I kind of can't imagine doing all of this once.

[jessnpaul]

"One and done" is becoming more popular because people are waiting longer to have kids nowadays. We are planning on having a second, however I'm already 38.5 and had a miscarriage and a crappy pregnancy with baby #1, so we'll see if that second actually happens. If not, DS has cousins and I have some good friends with babies his exact age so I'm not too concerned.

[fbf2006]

I don't have my baby yet, but we are leaning (my husband very strongly) on being one and done. Mostly because I have a high risk pregnancy, so the anxiousness is a bit too much. I don't know that I want to be pregnant and have a toddler to take care of at the same time. We do hope to adopt from our home country though, so maybe we'll have two that way.
I have 3 siblings and we are all close. Same goes for my husband. It is just what it is.

[froggy76]

I haven't decided yet. I always assumed we'd have 2 or 3, but now I'm not sure I want another. I don't particularly care what other people think, but the few people I've mentioned it to have told me that only children are "weird." My parents were both only children and they really don't want DD to be an only.

I hate to admit it, but I'm also terrified that something will happen to DD and then I won't be a mom anymore because I only had one kid. Is that weird?

[Deleted]

We are 1 and done for lots of reasons. I think there are a lot more people these days who have 1 and thats it--it works financially for a lot of people and I don't think children are harmed by not having siblings (heck I rarely talk to mine, so its like I have none). I always thought I'd have 1 more, but it makes more sense this way.

[dr.girlfriend]

Dec 27, 2012 14:10:12 GMT -5 froggy76 said:

I hate to admit it, but I'm also terrified that something will happen to DD and then I won't be a mom anymore because I only had one kid. Is that weird?

I confessed this to my DH. I work in a children's hospital, so I see a lot of bad outcomes, and one of the reasons I thought of having another was the "all our eggs in one basket" scenario -- I would be destroyed either way if something happened to DS, but having another child at least gives you something else to focus on. Not good enough of a reason to have another, but I don't think it's weird to think that way.

[catbus]

Dec 27, 2012 13:57:16 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Over half of our peps group is firmly one and done. We're actually only the second couple having our second and the kids are all three.

I wouldn't worry about it being odd. But I also probably wouldn't make a decision for a while--your baby is still so young. I went from wanting four kids to just one when Lu was tiny lol.

There are days when I don't even want one! (I KID!)

I actually brought up this topic because of a discussion after peps last week, plus all the posts on here about second+ kids. Even my good friend, who I thought was also in the one kid club, is now considering a second. Sigh. But yeah, I know it's early to think my decision is final. Especially since I'm already looking at E's newborn pictures and fondly recalling how tiny he was... conveniently not remembering how little we slept, how much he cried, etc.

[hocus]

We have two, but I know lots of people with one. Completely personal choice. There are a lot of advantages to having 1 kid.

[Deleted]

I'm an only and DH has only one sibling, so we come from small immediate families. It's not strange to have an only at all. There was a point where I seriously thought we were one and done. Then, I got the baby bug again. Who knows how I will feel 6 months from now, lol.

[anna7602]

I've gone through all the cycles of wanting just one, wanting more, going back to one and done, etc.

At this point, we've been TTC # 2 (unsuccessfully) for just over 6 months and I wonder if my reasons for having a second are silly/unrealistic. Objectively, we'd be in a much better position if we just had one. I have no idea how a 2nd would fit into the uncertainties of our lives as they currently are. While we would make it work somehow, I am a twinge envious of those who can say with certainty that they are one and done.

[ECB]

I actually know a few people who are 1 and done. Makes me feel a little better about our choice. And I actually saw a statistic not too long ago that supposedly there are more 1 kid homes than any other....

I was just talking about this last night w/ my parents. There are only kids who grow up and hate it, there are those that love it. There are people who have wonderful relationships w/ their siblings, and there are people who aren't close AT ALL w/ their siblings.

There are simply go guarentees and this idea that "only kids" will be somehow damaged just for the meer fact they are an only child is a load of crap.

[ssmjlm]

We're a one and done. Some of it is DH's age and some is we really only wanted one.

People make comments but even if you have a sibling there's no guarantee they'll be friends. DH and I certainly aren't close to our siblings and honestly the burden will fall to us for parental care, etc.

[pacificrules]

Dec 27, 2012 13:57:16 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Over half of our peps group is firmly one and done. We're actually only the second couple having our second and the kids are all three.

I wouldn't worry about it being odd. But I also probably wouldn't make a decision for a while--your baby is still so young. I went from wanting four kids to just one when Lu was tiny lol.

Wow! I think your daughter and mine are pretty close to the same age. We're the only one in our PEPS group who don't plan on having any more. It's talked about regularly. I guess I got the wrong group.

[catbus]

Dec 27, 2012 18:19:46 GMT -5 pacificrules said:

Dec 27, 2012 13:57:16 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Over half of our peps group is firmly one and done. We're actually only the second couple having our second and the kids are all three.

I wouldn't worry about it being odd. But I also probably wouldn't make a decision for a while--your baby is still so young. I went from wanting four kids to just one when Lu was tiny lol.

Wow! I think your daughter and mine are pretty close to the same age. We're the only one in our PEPS group who don't plan on having any more. It's talked about regularly. I guess I got the wrong group.

Same here. Love my group, but even the people I'd pegged as one-kid types say they want more. Women who are still only getting three-hour sleep stretches are already saying this. Makes me feel like a total odd duck.

[bronxgirl]

Ideally I wanted 3, but I realized tha's not realistic to our situation so I was fine with 2. Now, it looks pretty likely that we won't be able to have another. I'm trying to come to grips with that idea, so this post is really helpful. Thanks, Catbus
Rationally speaking only one makes sense for us. We're older, have a 2 BR apt, don't make a lot of money in a HCOL area, but at the same timeemotionally it's really hard for me.

[SusanBAnthony]

Dec 27, 2012 15:19:24 GMT -5 dr.girlfriend said:

Dec 27, 2012 14:10:12 GMT -5 froggy76 said:

I hate to admit it, but I'm also terrified that something will happen to DD and then I won't be a mom anymore because I only had one kid. Is that weird?

I confessed this to my DH. I work in a children's hospital, so I see a lot of bad outcomes, and one of the reasons I thought of having another was the "all our eggs in one basket" scenario -- I would be destroyed either way if something happened to DS, but having another child at least gives you something else to focus on. Not good enough of a reason to have another, but I don't think it's weird to think that way.

We have two so I should get out of this post , but this has definitely entered my mind as a reason to want to have more kids.

[statlerwaldorf]

I never wanted to be one and done, but we are getting closer to that point. We have been pouring so much money into fertility treatments and we are approaching the end of that road.

[lmb5109]

We always thought we wanted 2, but after the delivery issues I had, it'll take years for me to want to deliver again.

Even if I go for a repeat c/s, to avoid 40 hours of labor again, DH can only be off for so long and I can't imagine taking care of a newborn, having a toddler, and trying to recover from a c/s.

We'll see in 2 years what we are thinking. I'm 35, so I don't have age on my side, but I'm also not worried about it.

[bronxgirl]

Dec 28, 2012 2:04:39 GMT -5 statlerwaldorf said:

I never wanted to be one and done, but we are getting closer to that point. We have been pouring so much money into fertility treatments and we are approaching the end of that road.[/quoteBig, big hugs, Statler. We are in the same situation and it sucks donkey balls.