New here and need some advise

[cocomojo]

I lurked on the Old Place and have been lurking here too but I have a question and need answers/suggestions.

My husband have been together for 10 years married for 6 of those years. My husband has a 21 yr old daughter who I adore and always have. He also has an 11 yr old that we knew nothing about until she was 2. He was one of many men that were tested and we found out he was the father not long after we had our son. Son is 9 yrs old.

Mom of SD2 and I never got along even before she had the baby. After my DH met SD2 when she was 2, her mom cut off all ties to us other than my DH was paying child support. Fast forward to this past August. We get a letter in the mail from SD2s grandmother. She asked if we would like to have more of part of SD2s life. Of course we say yes. We live in LA (New Orleans) and they live in CO (Denver).

DH, DS and I along with my ILs fly to CO this past October so the rest of us can met her. One of the first things SD2 mom says is that she wants SD2 to come and live with us, SD2 says she wants the same thing.

Dh and I have talked about it and we are not sure what to think about this. SD2 is currently staying with us for the last part of June all of July. Kind of as a test run.

I am having trouble getting used to the idea of her staying with us. I am trying to add her to my family and not treat her differently.

No one in my group of friends has a DH/DW that has kids from someone else and I need some support/advise/I don't know what I need.

I am working on it but I don't know how well I am doing. I love my husband and don't want to lose him but he thinks right now that I am not trying. I'd rather not lose my husband over this and have my son without his father.

Thank you for making it this far and for any advise anyone can over me.

[Beeps (WOT?*)]

It's not an easy thing to do, what you're trying to do. She's a child that hasn't known you or her father for almost a decade. Sounds like SD2's mom doesn't want to deal anymore, and SD2 is hoping to find something/someone/somewhere to accept her.

People say "love your stepchildren as your own." That's not a realistic statement. You can TREAT her as your own but that doesn't mean you have to LOVE her as your own. You don't know this child and she's already halfway to an adult. Love for someone that's already a person, imo, isn't something you fall into immediately. You'll grow to like her, respect her, care for her and hopefully eventually love her. But you don't have to have those feelings immediately and it's not realistic for you or your H to feel that you do. All you have to do is TRY and what he has to do is accept that you are TRYING. Eventually, with enough trying, you'll succeed. That's all anyone can hope for and all anyone can ask.

You're still early in the game. Of course you have trepidation. It's a huge lifestyle change and a huge sacrifice to bring in a new family member, whether she be infant, preschooler, tween or teen.

Have you considered counseling, for yourself, to learn how to process the feelings you're dealing with and to learn how to proceed? And maybe also as a group, to learn how to assimilate a previously unknown into your daily lives.

Best of luck to you. I hope it all works out.

(btw, I'm a bio-mom not a stepmom, if that makes a difference.)

[ellipses84]

I can definitely relate to your situation, but DH fought in court for years and did everything in his power to have a relationship with his child. If we had the opportunity you have, to get residential custody, we would absolutely take it.
That being said, it would not be all rainbows and puppies (for us or for your family). It may be a hard adjustment for everyone, especially at her age. Just remember she is a kid who wants to be loved and has grown up without her father. If her mother is willing to just send her away, I can't imagine she has had a very good childhood so far. She is probably really seeking your approval right now and that may be followed by a testing limits phase. Try to put yourself in her shoes.
You may not bond with her or love her like your own children and being a stepmom can be thankless job. When times are tough, consider it a duty that you have been given. You are the adult and she is just a child. Remember that you could have a major positive impact on her life and the adult that she becomes.

[FlipFlops]

Jun 28, 2012 1:55:57 GMT -5 ellipses84 said:

I can definitely relate to your situation, but DH fought in court for years and did everything in his power to have a relationship with his child. If we had the opportunity you have, to get residential custody, we would absolutely take it.
That being said, it would not be all rainbows and puppies (for us or for your family). It may be a hard adjustment for everyone, especially at her age. Just remember she is a kid who wants to be loved and has grown up without her father. If her mother is willing to just send her away, I can't imagine she has had a very good childhood so far. She is probably really seeking your approval right now and that may be followed by a testing limits phase. Try to put yourself in her shoes.You may not bond with her or love her like your own children and being a stepmom can be thankless job. When times are tough, consider it a duty that you have been given. You are the adult and she is just a child. Remember that you could have a major positive impact on her life and the adult that she becomes.

This. I'm still trying to wrap my head around your DHs lack of involvement in her life but now it is time to step up to the plate. It is not easy being a SM (especially through the teen years) but this child deserves a family that wants her. It kills me to see the look on SSs face when we have to tell him, yet again, that his mom won't be able to take him for visitation. He feels abandoned by her but he knows that no matter what DH & I will always be there for him. That is what your SD needs right now. She is being sent away by her mom to her father who she really doesn't know at all. Talk to someone about your fears/frustrations but don't let her see it. She should feel wanted. Your DH really needs to step up.

[datsyuksmommy]

Being a SM takes a lot of work, and it isn't easy. The emotional aspect of it also is daunting. Your husband cannot fault you for doing your best. At this point all you can do is be respectful of her and get to know her. Accept her into your home and try to make things as normal as possible. You've only just recently met her. This will take time, and it sounds like counseling would help all of you. Your husband needs realistic expectations, you need guidance, and your SD needs acceptance. Your son is also going from being the only to being younger, so he may have some resentment, too. Counseling for all, I say.

[karmasabiotch]

Why did your DH choose not be be involved with this child from the very second he found out?

It's advice you want not advise.

[latinomama999]

Hi, I'm new here as well. I'm wondering why the daughter's mom agreed to let her live with a father she really doesn't know, but, not the issue here...

It's not an easy situation for anyone really...you're doing your best, which is all you can do. Your stepdaughter is in a situation that is new and may be frightening, and your husband is trying to adjust as well, I'm sure. I agree with the previous poster, counseling might benefit everyone...