? - working an abnormal schedule

[ijack]

This is probably going to be pretty rambley
If you or your partner work a non 8-5 schedule, how do you make it work?
H is a photographer and works 8-5 in an office AND shoots things nights and weekends. I struggle with him working more than a "normal" schedule and I'd like to figure out if some kind of better balance is possible. He is a salaried employee and does not get paid overtime. He gets a commission on some of these extra shoots, but definitely not the majority. I realize it's part of his job and if possible he'll try to take a day off to make up for it, but that doesn't really help me at all. When he works extra I'm solely responsible for the girls, and many of my weekends consist of single parenting. If he takes a day off then he can spend more time with them, but it doesn't really relieve my stress or burden at all.
I know I'm very bitter about this and I'm trying to work through it, but in order to do so I think I need to figure out a way for this to not become such a burden on me.
Any tips? Do I just need to suck it up and deal?

[Deleted]

I work 8-5 and my husband works 3-11 and he also works some weekends and overnights. It can be tough but we spend the weekends togther. We also talk throughout the day as much as we both can either on the phone or texts. Sometimes I don't see him for 2 days because I am sleeping when he gets home.

[SJ]

It seems weird that he works FT during the day and does not get compensated for most of the overtime if all of this is for the same employer.

As you know, DH is in a similar industry. However, he is his own boss so can adjust his schedule accordingly. On non-shoot days, he will usually work from 10AM-6PM, come home to eat dinner/hang out with me, then if he needs to work more after I go to bed he will. Sometimes that means working from home, sometimes it means going into the studio (just a few blocks from home)

Shoot days are another story and can be extremely long.

Of course, we have no kids, so that is a separate issue. Because he is is own boss, we tend to very directly see the fruits and results of him working more, so I enjoy it.

[cjeanette]

Why does he have to work 8-5? Is this a different job or the photography?

[ECB]

Suck it up and deal.

DH works 2 weeks on/ 2 weeks off. The 2 weeks he's on- he gets home occasionally, but it's totally random and sporadic and there is NO way to schedule around it. At all. He'll often go for days w/o seeing DS (even if he gets home to see me- it's often after DS is in bed).

It sucks. but when he is home, he absolutely steps in and does as much as he can to take the burden off of me. And then I also have the 2 weeks off to look forward to- which is nice. We get time together and I'm not doing EVERYTHING.

He used to be an attorney w/ "normal" hours, but 1- it was LONG hours and sometimes weekends, and 2- he HATED it. Went into a depression over it.

He loves his job now. While I really hate the schedule, I also couldn't ever imagine telling him he has to find something else. I've seen what being miserable did to him. Don't want to deal w/ that again.

[mrssavy42112]

Well, I’m your husband in this situation. I work 8-5 in job 1, then 5-9/10 on job 2 and often weekends. We don’t have kids, so that does help us. We try to set aside some time once I get home to talk a bit & I try to keep Sat/Sun mornings open for us to be together. That’s the best I can do right now because I’m transitioning jobs. DH knows it’s transitory, yet still hates it.

[bronxgirl]

My husband works 2-10 Wed- Sun. We don't have any full days off together, which is hard, but we have childcare almost completely covered. We also save monbey on entertainment b/c we rarely get to go out.

[y4m]

Are there other photography jobs with similar compensation that wouldn't be like this? Like is this a problem with his industry, or this specific job?

[heygrey]

i work 4 days a week (sometimes this includes a saturday) and h works six days, tuesday-sunday, varying hours throughout the days. it sucks and it's one of the major reasons we haven't had a kid yet. i don't know how we'd manage. he doesn't get paid overtime at all and, in fact, is most likely going to lose his job for lack of money to pay his salary. it's a pretty miserable and thankless job right now.

so not helpful, but i can commiserate :-(

[ijack]

Jan 4, 2013 15:53:15 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Why does he have to work 8-5? Is this a different job or the photography?

because his boss is a dick and totally old fashioned and thinks people should be in the office regardless of the work load.

[kwynn]

I'm a photographer and that's just how it is. I work 80 hours a week. When my husband was alive, we were like two ships passing in the night. Well, not really, I'd work from home after he went to sleep.

[y4m]

Jan 4, 2013 15:56:29 GMT -5 ijack said:

Jan 4, 2013 15:53:15 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Why does he have to work 8-5? Is this a different job or the photography?

because his boss is a dick and totally old fashioned and thinks people should be in the office regardless of the work load.

So this is a problem with this job then. He's essentially asked to waste a bunch of time, and that time is coming out of your time.

I'd want my husband to be looking for a different opportunity, in your case. It's not that it's long or unusual hours, it's that it's long or unusual hours that are just kind of a waste of time, and are of no benefit to your family.

[ijack]

Jan 4, 2013 15:53:48 GMT -5 y4m said:

Are there other photography jobs with similar compensation that wouldn't be like this? Like is this a problem with his industry, or this specific job?

his specific job. BUT it's not really an industry with a lot of opportunities, especially in the area that he works in, and it's getting more saturated each time a newspaper makes more cuts.
I realize his job isn't going to change, I'm just trying to figure out how to make it best work for us and how much is too much when he's trying to do "freelance" work (that isn't truly freelance because his company takes a cut anyway. I think I could swallow it easier if he was getting more money for it.)

[cjeanette]

Jan 4, 2013 15:56:29 GMT -5 ijack said:

Jan 4, 2013 15:53:15 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Why does he have to work 8-5? Is this a different job or the photography?

because his boss is a dick and totally old fashioned and thinks people should be in the office regardless of the work load.

I am going to assume asking him to find another job or go out on his own is not an option?

Why isn't your burden relieved when he takes a day off?

[wedbliss5]

What specifically are the burdens - is it a relationship thing of not seeing him, a household chores thing of you doing it, a family thing of him not getting the quality time with the girls?

If its the chores - I suggest looking into help for you (i'm in the same process)

If its about spending time with him (either for you or the girls), then it sounds more like you need to sit down and talk about it and make some changes. Set up expectations of when he takes time off, what you both agree is important to do, or even how much longer you both are willing to keep up this schedule.

I think you both need to sit down as a team and define your priorities as a couple and family. This can help you both determine if you are working towards the same goal, or if you are just living day to day.

If you are bitter and resentful, then I don't think just sitting back and sucking it up will help, especially without an end in sight.

[ijack]

Jan 4, 2013 15:59:34 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Jan 4, 2013 15:56:29 GMT -5 ijack said:

because his boss is a dick and totally old fashioned and thinks people should be in the office regardless of the work load.

I am going to assume asking him to find another job or go out on his own is not an option?

Why isn't your burden relieved when he takes a day off?

because if he takes a wednesday off, what good does that do me? I'm still at work and if he takes care of the kids he's relieving the nanny's burden, not mine.

[cjeanette]

Jan 4, 2013 16:01:13 GMT -5 ijack said:

Jan 4, 2013 15:59:34 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

I am going to assume asking him to find another job or go out on his own is not an option?

Why isn't your burden relieved when he takes a day off?

because if he takes a wednesday off, what good does that do me? I'm still at work and if he takes care of the kids he's relieving the nanny's burden, not mine.

So it is primarily him taking weekend jobs that is getting to you? Or is it the lack of communication with you about when he is going to be working?

[liveintheville]

Oh man. I'm so sorry ijack. That sucks.({) (}) I'd be going out of my mind parenting solo so often.

H works some odd and long hours but always from home. He's in IT, which is convenient with the WAH aspect. And he controls a lot of the scheduling of it. So he logs in after the kids are down and so forth. He's oncall for 2 weeks and then off for 2 weeks. During the oncall weeks we can't go too far from home due to time sensitivity. But he's here and engaged with us while not actively doing anything. He can monitor stuff and play with the kids at the same time, which is awesome.

[chessie]

Sorta thing you learn to deal with when you sign up for certain careers..

You deal and schedule things in whenever your not working. I work 8-5, DH works 6-2 m-f and both of us are required to work extra hours when we are not in the office. Both weeks we barely see each other, sorta just pass each other in the night. Be lucky your DH is allowed to take days off, not all fields you even have the luxury.

[anna7602]

We don't really make it work, I just wanted to sympathize. DH works all the time. We moved to another country in the hopes that he would have more work/life balance. That balance lasted approximately 6-8 weeks, long enough for his new bosses to realize he knows what he's doing and is willing to work hard to get things done. We're pretty much back to square one on the hours front, except that I am a lot better now than I was about expressing my frustrations to DH. He's also a lot better about giving me a lot of me time when he is able to.

In the long term, I am still struggling with how to reconcile his career goals and the satisfaction he derives from his job with how I would like our family life to look. Beyond the logistics of needing a second person to parent with, I also have a hard time relating because I can't imagine feeling the same way about my career that he feels about his.

[Deleted]

Suck it up and deal.

DH works 12 hours on, 12 hours off - sometimes out of town and gone for 2-3 days at a time. Never the same schedule and never anything we can plan for.

He has a great job but it is really hard on our home life.

The only thing that keeps me positive is my perspective. Coming from a place of appreciating what he is doing and that he has a good job. Remembering that it is just as hard on him as it is on me in different ways (we have an 18 month old and a 3 year old - I am mostly doing things by myself, DH even worked thanksgiving and xmas eve).

It is what it is. For us his job is necessary and me being bitter or angry does nothing to change that. It just makes things worse.

[ijack]

Jan 4, 2013 16:02:28 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Jan 4, 2013 16:01:13 GMT -5 ijack said:

because if he takes a wednesday off, what good does that do me? I'm still at work and if he takes care of the kids he's relieving the nanny's burden, not mine.

So it is primarily him taking weekend jobs that is getting to you? Or is it the lack of communication with you about when he is going to be working?

The communication is a whole different issue, so i'm not going there now
I know that I don't always react positively to him needing to work extra, so I'm trying to figure out how to make it a better situation for us both. What can be done so that I don't feel so bitter and burdened and resentful about his work.

[y4m]

Jan 4, 2013 16:02:28 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Jan 4, 2013 16:01:13 GMT -5 ijack said:

because if he takes a wednesday off, what good does that do me? I'm still at work and if he takes care of the kids he's relieving the nanny's burden, not mine.

So it is primarily him taking weekend jobs that is getting to you? Or is it the lack of communication with you about when he is going to be working?

Does the nanny just work for you? Could her schedule be flexed so that she's relieving you on weekends when he works?

[cjeanette]

Jan 4, 2013 16:06:22 GMT -5 y4m said:

Jan 4, 2013 16:02:28 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

So it is primarily him taking weekend jobs that is getting to you? Or is it the lack of communication with you about when he is going to be working?

Does the nanny just work for you? Could her schedule be flexed so that she's relieving you on weekends when he works?

This. Or having a service run errands for you. Or having groceries delivered. Sending out the laundry...etc.

[ijack]

She does, but she also has a family (she has an 18mo that she brings with her), so it's not as easy. She does flex her schedule on days he goes in late, so that I don't have to rush home, but I'm not comfortable asking her to work weekends.
Mainly it's just little stuff - being able to go for a run or to the grocery store by myself. So I guess that could be solved with a babysitter.

[jigsy]

I guess I can't really comment because while my DH works a seriously non-traditional schedule, we don't have a kid to juggle. We have a dog, but he can be left home alone for 10 hours if I am the only one around and I have to work late or whatever.

So my advice--sell the kids--lol.

But really, I think you two really need to talk about this. If you are feeling like you are taking on too much, you need to be vocal about it. I have several friends who sit and suffer in silence as they become single mothers half the time because their husbands are gone all the time. Is there a workable solution, not always, but resentment builds if you feel like the one constantly being shit on and you have no extra encouragement or gratitude for it.

[ijack]

is "sending out laundry" like dry cleaning or are there people who will come take my hampers?

[cjeanette]

Jan 4, 2013 16:19:22 GMT -5 ijack said:

is "sending out laundry" like dry cleaning or are there people who will come take my hampers?

Well not your hampers but they give you bags to put your clothes in and return them folded. lol. I have had co-workers who did that in the past.

Or pay your housekeeper extra to do the laundry for you when she is there?

I honestly think if I didn't have laundry I would have so much more free time.

[Deleted]

I don't have kids, so I can't exactly relate. What I'd suggest is choosing some specific tasks that are a burden to you - running errands, getting groceries, cleaning, or whatever else not directly related to childcare needs doing - and make an agreement with him that he'll take care of those on his day off, even if it's the middle of the week.

If the problem is just lack of time to yourself on the weekend, maybe you can hire a weekly or biweekly babysitter to take the kids for a few hours so you can do some of your own stuff. Whatever you'd do if your DH was home and caring for them (so including napping, if that's what you're missing).

Then the days you are both off, you both should spend time with the family/each other. If all the "stuff" gets done on other days, you can just enjoy your time together.

I also think your DH needs to have a serious talk with his boss. If he needs to work until 8pm one night and there isn't enough work to do in the office from 8-5 before that, he should go in at 11 or noon or something. It's silly to require an 8 hour day in the office if there isn't 8 hours of work to do and he's putting in tons of hours otherwise. If that doesn't work, he's going to need a new job or to switch fields eventually. I don't imagine photography pays well enough to warrant zero family time, even if he enjoys it maybe he'd enjoy something else with better balance.

[ijack]

Jan 4, 2013 16:20:31 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Jan 4, 2013 16:12:28 GMT -5 jigsy said:

But really, I think you two really need to talk about this. If you are feeling like you are taking on too much, you need to be vocal about it. I have several friends who sit and suffer in silence as they become single mothers half the time because their husbands are gone all the time. Is there a workable solution, not always, but resentment builds if you feel like the one constantly being shit on and you have no extra encouragement or gratitude for it.

I agree. Especially if he really enjoys the extra work, or volunteers for more of it, only to leave you hanging. I'd be interested in a work-around where the extra commissions he gets go directly to a babysitter fund for future overtime work.

I think that is part of the resentment. When he travels he's often hanging with people he really enjoys and eating out and sleeping in a hotel room all by himself. So I don't feel like he's "suffering."
I've recently thought about his commissions going to something other than gear, since he doesn't really pay for cameras anymore.