? - working an abnormal schedule

[ijack]

Jan 4, 2013 16:22:13 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

I don't have kids, so I can't exactly relate. What I'd suggest is choosing some specific tasks that are a burden to you - running errands, getting groceries, cleaning, or whatever else not directly related to childcare needs doing - and make an agreement with him that he'll take care of those on his day off, even if it's the middle of the week.

If the problem is just lack of time to yourself on the weekend, maybe you can hire a weekly or biweekly babysitter to take the kids for a few hours so you can do some of your own stuff. Whatever you'd do if your DH was home and caring for them (so including napping, if that's what you're missing).

Then the days you are both off, you both should spend time with the family/each other. If all the "stuff" gets done on other days, you can just enjoy your time together.

I also think your DH needs to have a serious talk with his boss. If he needs to work until 8pm one night and there isn't enough work to do in the office from 8-5 before that, he should go in at 11 or noon or something. It's silly to require an 8 hour day in the office if there isn't 8 hours of work to do and he's putting in tons of hours otherwise. If that doesn't work, he's going to need a new job or to switch fields eventually. I don't imagine photography pays well enough to warrant zero family time, even if he enjoys it maybe he'd enjoy something else with better balance.

This are really good points, thank you. Hopefully his boss is stepping down soon and I think it will be easier to have a more flexible schedule then.
And CJ, good point - I'll ask my housekeeper about laundry.

[Deleted]

Jan 4, 2013 16:19:22 GMT -5 ijack said:

is "sending out laundry" like dry cleaning or are there people who will come take my hampers?

Is there a laundromat near your house or office? Those almost always offer drop off service. Then you get to pick up a bag of nicely folded laundry the next day. It's awesome.

[ijack]

And I appreciate the feedback. I'm really trying to work this out because it's a rough spot in our marriage - but I often get so bogged down by my negative feelings regarding his travel and extra work, that it's hard for me to see the big picture.

[rootbeerfloat]

Jan 4, 2013 16:22:23 GMT -5 ijack said:

I think that is part of the resentment. When he travels he's often hanging with people he really enjoys and eating out and sleeping in a hotel room all by himself. So I don't feel like he's "suffering."
I've recently thought about his commissions going to something other than gear, since he doesn't really pay for cameras anymore.

This might be a solution. My BIL coaches HS football (in addition to his regular job, which is like 6a-3p), leaving her the primary parent every morning, as well as in the evenings for a good chunk of the year. Their deal now is that she gets to spend a portion of his football stipend on herself, usually jewelry.

Also, even if you have someone to do your laundry or clean your house, it sucks always having to be the "on-duty" parent

[mlvmd]

My H works nights and weekends so I have DS by myself most if the time. H sleeps while I am at work and DS goes to full time preschool. I like my alone time and enjoy hanging out with DS but I do stress to H that I get no "off" days while he gets two since his days off fall during the week while DS is in school. He does a lot of chores on those days (although I think he could do more I try not to complain). It is also a huge reason why I am reluctant to have another child. H wants one really badly but I have told him until he can be there overnight and on the weekends to help I just don't want to have to juggle another child. That isn't particularly helpful to you but I can say that I understand the resentment and strain it puts on a marriage. I often wonder if my H or your's truly understands what a big deal it is since they aren't in our shoes.

[chessie]

Jan 4, 2013 16:19:32 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Jan 4, 2013 16:05:02 GMT -5 chessie said:

Sorta thing you learn to deal with when you sign up for certain careers..

You deal and schedule things in whenever your not working. I work 8-5, DH works 6-2 m-f and both of us are required to work extra hours when we are not in the office. Both weeks we barely see each other, sorta just pass each other in the night. Be lucky your DH is allowed to take days off, not all fields you even have the luxury.

6am to 2pm? Because that seems like you'd have evenings together?

Barely, 9/10 X's one of us gets called back to work.

[mrssavy42112]

Jan 4, 2013 16:23:50 GMT -5 ijack said:

Jan 4, 2013 16:22:13 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

I don't have kids, so I can't exactly relate. What I'd suggest is choosing some specific tasks that are a burden to you - running errands, getting groceries, cleaning, or whatever else not directly related to childcare needs doing - and make an agreement with him that he'll take care of those on his day off, even if it's the middle of the week.

If the problem is just lack of time to yourself on the weekend, maybe you can hire a weekly or biweekly babysitter to take the kids for a few hours so you can do some of your own stuff. Whatever you'd do if your DH was home and caring for them (so including napping, if that's what you're missing).

Then the days you are both off, you both should spend time with the family/each other. If all the "stuff" gets done on other days, you can just enjoy your time together.

I also think your DH needs to have a serious talk with his boss. If he needs to work until 8pm one night and there isn't enough work to do in the office from 8-5 before that, he should go in at 11 or noon or something. It's silly to require an 8 hour day in the office if there isn't 8 hours of work to do and he's putting in tons of hours otherwise. If that doesn't work, he's going to need a new job or to switch fields eventually. I don't imagine photography pays well enough to warrant zero family time, even if he enjoys it maybe he'd enjoy something else with better balance.

This are really good points, thank you. Hopefully his boss is stepping down soon and I think it will be easier to have a more flexible schedule then.
And CJ, good point - I'll ask my housekeeper about laundry.

Yep, this is DH’s issue too. Although it’s a lot of work, I love what I do in job 2. Plus I get to have a great time doing it. On top of that, several times a year I do go away for 1-5 days and stay with job friends while attending seminars. It’s a blast. So while I’m working, I have a lot of fun. Because of that, DH resents it & feels like he’s left home to do nothing when I’m out partying. Not exactly the truth, but I can see how it would look from your perspective. Him realizing that while I’m enjoying it, I am still working and earning money, helped him to be more ok with my work.

[Deleted]

We have similiar issues- except both of us work like that. DH works 6:30AM- 8PM most days. He also works all day on Saturdays, and I am a single parent after working all week myself. I try not to be resentful because unlike your H, mine isn't enjoying his extra time (usually Sat are all in the shop), and he doesnt get commissions. We have Sat nights (sometimes) and Sundays together. Thats it.

We outsource a lot. Babysitters, weekly housekeeper who does SOME laundry (not all), I cook on the weekends for the week and of course, historically had been doing a lot of takeout. (none this week though! hooray!)

I have no advice other than buying stuff doesn't make it any better. Buying help does. This is why I'm willing to go on a spending freeze so I can keep the housekeeper weekly. If I could have her 2x/week, I would....

[Deleted]

It has been a struggle in our house. I work odd hours including 3 nights a week and Saturday mornings. I'm usually home for bedtime except when we're doing shows.

We go through phases of DH being irritated, usually when DS has been more challenging. I know it is going to change with 2 and I'm trying to consolidate days so that I am really only working late 2 nights a week instead of 3. We just talk about it and I try to pick up the slack elsewhere.

DH knows that I'm doing something that I love. It does pay well too, though, so that helps.

[Deleted]

my boyfriend has never had an 8-5 job. but we don't have kids so it's not really an issue.

his schedule is much easier now than it was at his old job - he generally works 8am-8pm (sometimes later) and a little on the weekends. my weeks are actually busier with school, research, and clinic.

we have an understanding of who does what and I think we've both loosened our standards a bit. we don't outsource any cleaning, but our place is small enough that we don't feel the need. we do order groceries through peapod if one of us can't make the trip that week, but this only happens a few times a year.

there was an adjustment period when I first moved in - I was frustrated because I felt like all of the meal planning/grocery shopping/cooking fell on my shoulders. he didn't realize it was a problem because he never eats at home during the week (he goes out to lunch and packs a sandwich for dinner and yogurt for breakfast). we discussed it and he's stepped his game up--he now does most of the grocery shopping, we split cooking, and we bumped up the food budget so I can eat out if I want. I am still the planner.

I think you've gotten good advice here, and I totally understand why you'd feel resentful. no one wants to feel like they shoulder all of the burden for a responsibility that should be shared. good luck making whatever changes you decide are best!

[Deleted]

I would hire more help if you can. Weekly cleaning service, grocery delivery, another babysitter for the weekends, etc. Whatever you can to make this less of a burden for you. Maybe your nanny can start doing errands or laundry for you during the week to lighten your load.

[brit1017]

I work from 7-3, DH from 3-11. His days off also rotate, so he only has weekends off every 3 months. When it started (7 years ago), he didn't have a choice. By the time he did have a choice, we couldn't afford FT daycare for both kids, so we kept doing it. DH has the kids during the day, I have them in the evening, and a babysitter has them for a few hours while we are commuting.

Honestly, it is hard. We try to make the most of what time we do have to spend together, and try to schedule date nights so we get some alone time. I think I tend to be the one who feels the strain more, b/c I tend to do more of the housework. I try to counter that by being really clear what I need from him. If I need a break to decompress when we are home together, I tell him that. If I need him to do a household chore or errand, I ask him. There are certain chores that he does consitently, but there are others that he will only do if I point it out to him. He is trying to change his schedule now so that he has weekends off and works 9-5 two days per week (keeping the 3-11 schedule the other three).

[pamela]

Right now DH is working 5 10-hour days and I'm working 6 12-hr. He's doing all the DS duty right now. And it's just a suck it up and deal situation. For awhile we were actually on opposite shifts on purpose because of daycare hours and traded DS off in the parking lot in his PJs in the evening. It sucks, but hopefully we'll be done soon.

[pugz]

can nanny do laundry? most nannies I know at least do the kid's laundry

[hannamaren]

Jan 4, 2013 16:05:30 GMT -5 ijack said:

Jan 4, 2013 16:02:28 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

So it is primarily him taking weekend jobs that is getting to you? Or is it the lack of communication with you about when he is going to be working?

The communication is a whole different issue, so i'm not going there now
I know that I don't always react positively to him needing to work extra, so I'm trying to figure out how to make it a better situation for us both. What can be done so that I don't feel so bitter and burdened and resentful about his work.

But cant he help in different ways if he has a day off diring the week? Grocery shopping, clean the bathroom, call the cable guy...

[hannamaren]

Also, you may just have to lower your own standards. Dont stress if the sheets are washed every other week instead of every week. Dont worry if you cant vacuum until tomorrow.
My apartment is a disaster. I dont care anymore. The bathroom and kitchen are clean, the nanny keeps the rest in check as much as she can. My kid is clean and my clothes are ironed. I spend too much on groceries because shopping around takes too much time.

[thegooser]

I think you need to figure out what specifically you need help with. Which chores do you REALLY hate? I bet you can get more bang for your buck if you figure out a way to get a few key chores done by someone else, whether that's your H when he's home or it's someone you designate to pay. You probably are going to be stuck doing more for a long time as things stand, but some chores just suck more than others.

Also, since nobody else has said it I will say it... You need to work on your attitude a bit. I have been there and I know how it is, and I know exactly how it feels to have words like "why am even with you when I do EVERYTHING" float through my head. It is not helpful. Remind yourself of the benefits of being married and the good things about your situation, f you can possibly manage it. Good luck.

[KaraOrNot]

I work an 8-5 and he works 10 pm to 6 am and has a 2 hour commute. There are days that we don't see each other at all and I am alone every night. It sucks, but we just deal.

However, we don't have kids. It is one of the things that terrifies me about having kids and I really have no idea how we will deal.

[Melissa W.]

dh works a 5 week rotation when he Is on shift. I pretty much get all the kid duty. It really helped.us when I was more direct about what I needed.

Sent from my ADR6400L

[sporklemotion]

Jan 4, 2013 15:53:34 GMT -5 mrssavy42112 said:

Well, I’m your husband in this situation. I work 8-5 in job 1, then 5-9/10 on job 2 and often weekends. We don’t have kids, so that does help us. We try to set aside some time once I get home to talk a bit & I try to keep Sat/Sun mornings open for us to be together. That’s the best I can do right now because I’m transitioning jobs. DH knows it’s transitory, yet still hates it.

This pretty much describes me (except for the transitory part, as I've worked like this for a long time and don't see an end to it on the horizon). I love my second job, and it pays very well, but it won't become a full time job, and the benefits/pension of my FT job are too good to give up. I'm a teacher, and having summers and vacations "off" to focus on my second job help, too-- I still work, but not as much in the evenings or on the weekends.

My husband is also working like this now, but is transitioning into a FT job that will primarily be M-F, 8:00-5:30 (with the occasional meeting or commitment in the evenings or weekends). Right now, he's working all the time, but this should get better as he lets go of the clients from our PT work.

I don't know if we really "make it work," in the sense that we don't see each other all that much during the week, and when we're both working these hours our house can get a little run-down. There are definitely weeks when we see each other for under an hour a day, which is hard, emotionally.

We have gotten better at making sure to see each other on weekend nights and to do more together when we are both free. If/when we have kids, I'll probably drop the second job, and if kids don't happen for us, we're hoping to retire early because a fair amount of the extra money has gone into savings/retirement .