How do you know? I desperately need advice

[sunshineluv]

I feel heavy and sad, and I don't know how to shake it. I am really stressed about my job, I have a new manager, who sucks. She lied to my face and threw me under the bus to her manager for something she did. So now I hate work, and have this huge desire to SAH. The thing is, I make good money, and am one promotion away from making great money ( meaning maybe $100k including bonus). I used to have career ambition, now I don't. I am so torn about it, quitting would mean a huge lifestyle change, and would I feel satisfied? Or am I just wanting to run away from this manager? I have tried to table this thought process until spring, by that time we will have paid off my student loans, and be debt free aside from our house, meaning we could technically afford to live on DH's salary. But how can I ever be sure what I really want??? How do you know if you are cut out to be a SAHM? I am seriously struggling. Crying a lot, so stressed out.

[TrudyCampbell]

This is obviously a tough and very personal decision. It does sound like you're in the middle of a crisis of sorts at work and that might be clouding your view of whether or not you really enjoy working. I would wait until things calm down a bit before you make such a big decision.

Also, do you want to SAH just because you dislike your job? Or do you really have a desire to be at home all day?

[sunshineluv]

Jan 4, 2013 22:02:06 GMT -5 TrudyCampbell said:

This is obviously a tough and very personal decision. It does sound like you're in the middle of a crisis of sorts at work and that might be clouding your view of whether or not you really enjoy working. I would wait until things calm down a bit before you make such a big decision.

Also, do you want to SAH just because you dislike your job? Or do you really have a desire to be at home all day?

That's what I don't truly know the answer to. It seems great in theory to me to get to spend so much time with Henry, and have a cleaner house, but I am worried I would get bored. I tend to get stir crazy quickly. But I ache to stay at home with him right now. I know that sounds dramatic, but I just hold him sometimes and want so bad to not have to be a working mom.

[Deleted]

I am kind of in the same position as you, bad boss, want to stay home, good pay. I have been thinking about it for several months and we decided to have me SAH temporarily and then work again when the kids are in school. I am just not meant out to work full-time at this point. I enjoyed my job pre-baby, but I just don't anymore.

Have you ever liked working since coming back from maternity leave? Are you in a career field where you could quit for a year and come back if you wanted to? I know it is a really hard decision but I know you will be able to decide what is best for you and your family, even if that means waiting several months to make a decision.

[bebeetmoi]

Jan 4, 2013 22:02:06 GMT -5 TrudyCampbell said:

Also, do you want to SAH just because you dislike your job? Or do you really have a desire to be at home all day?

That's the million dollar question when it comes to deciding IMO. I liked my job prior to SAH, but it wasn't very important to me, whereas staying home is. Though there are days I get stir crazy (which is inevitable), SAH is what I always wanted and I know that if I was back at my old job I wouldn't be happy like I am now.
Good luck and breathe deep! It sounds like you need some time to figure this out- it's a huge decision!

[Deleted]

Jan 4, 2013 22:06:30 GMT -5 sunshineluv said:

I ache to stay at home with him right now. I know that sounds dramatic, but I just hold him sometimes and want so bad to not have to be a working mom.

Not dramatic at all, I feel the same way.

[Regina Philange]

I'm sorry I struggle w the same decision. Try making a pro con list and see which one ends up being longer. Hang in there.

[sunshineluv]

Lindy, how is it going for you so far?

I work in banking, it is always possible to go back but I am not sure at what level, and how hard it would be to get back in the field.

[katie]

To me it sounds like you want to run from this manager. They say people usually leave because of a manager, not because of the job. I have felt that way before and luckily a position opened up at my company so that I could transfer. Is this an option? Is there anyone else who could talk to about this manager? I work in HR and there were multiple times I went to the HR director. He just helped me through dealing with her. It wasnt like a tattle tale bitch session, it was more of a help me understand and ways to work with her. Luckily he was cool as shit so this was an option.

I think I remember you had PPD? Could this have anything to do with it? Lately I have had the urge to not fight anymore. I feel very overwhelmed and haven't figured out a balance with work and family life. Congrats on almost being paid off! We just paid everything off minus our mortgage end of November.

If you want to keep working, could you look for a position elsewhere if you couldn't do an internal transfer? I'm sorry you are feeling this way. A sucky manager or even sucky co-worker can really make life miserable.

[sunshineluv]

Jan 4, 2013 22:08:26 GMT -5 Regina Philange said:

I'm sorry I struggle w the same decision. Try making a pro con list and see which one ends up being longer. Hang in there.

Thanks, it helps to know I am not the only one who has this struggle.

[Deleted]

Jan 4, 2013 22:12:33 GMT -5 sunshineluv said:

Lindy, how is it going for you so far?

I work in banking, it is always possible to go back but I am not sure at what level, and how hard it would be to get back in the field.

Well I can't start SAH until we sell our house and move, so hopefully sometime this spring. I am worried about the money aspect, and I was worried about not liking SAH and regretting my decision for awhile but I am becoming more confident that I will really enjoy SAH.

I work in engineering now and you can't get back in the field after you quit. I plan to go to nursing school and work in that once the kiddos go to school, as that will be a more family friendly profession.

It is crazy how much emotions and what you enjoy doing change after having a baby. I was always 100% sure I would work full-time and enjoy it, and I just don't for whatever reason.

[dojo]

I have no advice, it's just so personal, you know? I would just think about it not just for today but for long term. Will you want your career in five or the years? Will you be realistically able to return to it? Is this just a bad stretch of things that will eventually subside?

[claralou]

You're definitely not alone. PP's have good advice. Try to let things settle a bit and make the pro/con list before deciding. I soooo get it. Hugs, mama.

[sunshineluv]

Katie, yes I had PPD, and this is the first time since went off the meds that I feel a bit of it creeping back. You could be right, that it is the manager, but my desire to look for another job is minimal. Which I know sounds like a bit of depression, like I don't have the energy to fix the problem. That's what my DH asks too, like would I be excited about the prospect of a new position? I had two interviews in October and was really excited about it, but I didn't get an offer, and haven't been interested in much after that.

[katie]

It's tough, it really is. And like pp's mentioned, it is such a personal decision. If you have no desire to move to a different company then I hate that you could stay miserable at work. Can you cut hours at work? I would love to do that, 30 hrs a week but it's not possible. If you have some vacation time, maybe take a few days off to recharge and enjoy your DS. If you decide to SAH sounds like it would be a few months. And if you are home for a few months and feel you do want to work it wouldn't be that long of a time to jump back into what you were doing. ((hugs)) its Friday night, try and relax a bit you deserve it!

[eav2c]

I am really sorry you are struggling with this. It is a huge change and I totally understand why this is hard for you. I don't have a whole lot of advice or anything but I think this is where you really need to listen to your gut. You are unhappy. Is being unhappy affecting your home life? How has it affected you as a wife and mother? If I remember correctly, you're a doctor, right? I don't know the "politics" involved in getting back into your career, but is this something you could walk away from for awhile and return when the time is right? Also, how long has this been going on at your job?

I guess the way I look at it, from my perspective is, I don't care about the money I'm missing out on. Sure, I could be teaching and bringing in a nice decent salary. We could both have newer, nicer cars... Take vacations, not have our debt but I knew I was unhappy BEFORE I had C. I knew it would escalate after. Not everyone has the privilege of living on one income but my husband and I both agree that it is right for us. How would living on one income affect you guys? It sounds like you guys make a fair amount... would you have to move? Would you have to sacrifice a lot? That could be a stress too... sacrificing things. Consider what you'd be giving up on both ends and talk with your H. Either way, there are going to be stresses if you continue to work or if you SAH. But, I think the way I'm seeing it from looking into your situation is, you are unhappy. If you can re-enter your career at a later time and financially you guys can afford this, I think you should do it. I feel like, you live once... Don't wan't to look back and feel like you were stuck. Being stuck is the WORST feeling. You are more awesome than to feel degraded and stuck at your workplace because your manager is a total twatwaffle.

Maybe I'm missing the whole point of what you're saying. I don't know. But, really, if you are that unhappy... Seriously, don't let yourself be "stuck" in a situation that has you this upset.

ETA: I just saw that you said you work in banking. D'oh. I don't know why I thought doctor!?!!?!?!

[devotchka]

Jan 4, 2013 22:00:20 GMT -5 sunshineluv said:

I feel heavy and sad, and I don't know how to shake it. I am really stressed about my job, I have a new manager, who sucks. She lied to my face and threw me under the bus to her manager for something she did. So now I hate work, and have this huge desire to SAH. The thing is, I make good money, and am one promotion away from making great money ( meaning maybe $100k including bonus). I used to have career ambition, now I don't. I am so torn about it, quitting would mean a huge lifestyle change, and would I feel satisfied? Or am I just wanting to run away from this manager? I have tried to table this thought process until spring, by that time we will have paid off my student loans, and be debt free aside from our house, meaning we could technically afford to live on DH's salary. But how can I ever be sure what I really want??? How do you know if you are cut out to be a SAHM? I am seriously struggling. Crying a lot, so stressed out.

Ohhh I really feel for you. I had the exact same struggles!!! I had a VERY hard time and was crying a LOT when I was dealing with this. It's really, really hard but I have to tell you - you don't REALLY know if you can do the SAHM thing until you do it. For me, it was hard to "try" and know there wasn't anything for me to come back to, not really at my company at least.
I don't know your situation exactly - but one way to look at it is to imagine your job with a better manager and see how you feel about leaving then. If you are still really not into it, maybe you should try finding a different job and see how that works for you, and if that still doesn't work then talk to H about being at home for a while.

PM me if you want, or we can even go on chat (AIM or gchat or whatever) sometime to talk about it. It was REALLY hard for me because no one in my life understood what I was going through when I left to SAH, and I was going crazy and had no one to talk to (except you guys). GL and hugs!

[sunshineluv]

Thanks Eav, your advice was helpful. We could afford it, but like you said with sacrifices, like travel and eating out as much. I am not a doctor, just a banker :-). I make good, not great money. But I make more than DH, so there would be major changes without my salary, and while DH is supportive of what I want to do, I worry the new less spendy lifestyle would be a hard adjustment for him too.

[TrudyCampbell]

I suggest doing a trial period where you just live on H's salary and save every penny of yours. We did this before I quit my job and it gave us an idea of what life would be like AND also put some money in the bank for a back up fund.

[eav2c]

I could be wrong (and I suck with money, lol) but I totally think you guys could still live "lavishly" if you just plan accordingly. We live, what I consider, semi-lavishly. We don't do it perfectly, but we have what we want, and we've broken the bank a little... but, we're making it and happy. I don't regret my decisions to SAH at all. I mean, let me be real... sometimes I really would like to have a sitter around so I could drop C off for a few hours so I could shave my legs in peace, eat my lunch without him staring me down like I'm punishing him, or whatever else... but I really enjoy all aspects of SAH.

I think if you guys know what to expect beforehand in regards to sacrifices and have planned/budgeted, I think it will be a fairly smooth transition and not so stressful. Maybe I'm talking out of my ass (I do that a lot) but I just hate that you feel so sad about this. Good luck with whatever you decide to do! ((hugs))

[eav2c]

Jan 4, 2013 23:04:43 GMT -5 TrudyCampbell said:

I suggest doing a trial period where you just live on H's salary and save every penny of yours. We did this before I quit my job and it gave us an idea of what life would be like AND also put some money in the bank for a back up fund.

This is a really excellent idea. How long did y'all do this for Trudy?

[lolaburns]

I think Trudy's idea is awesome, too. I am sorry you are so unhappy at your job and I hope you find a solution that makes you happy because you deserve it.


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[devotchka]

Jan 4, 2013 23:04:43 GMT -5 TrudyCampbell said:

I suggest doing a trial period where you just live on H's salary and save every penny of yours. We did this before I quit my job and it gave us an idea of what life would be like AND also put some money in the bank for a back up fund.

That's genius.

[AndyCohen]

Trudy's idea is excellent. How long was your maternity leave? Did you enjoy staying home during that time or were you itching to get back to work?

[TrudyCampbell]

We did it for 7 months I think? It was REALLY helpful. And it was amazing how much we saved vs how much we were blowing on other stupid crap before.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you feel this way, sunshine! I thought I'd offer a different perspective. I like working because I love what I do. That doesn't mean I don't miss the kiddo sometimes, but I rarely feel desperate to leave work and run home to him.
I know feeling and emotions change after having a baby, but the fact that you were excited about a new job in October makes me think that you are unhappy with the manager, not the job. And I would worry that leaving the job to SAH could make you feel isolated and sad if you don't have plans lined up.

Is there anyway you could take a week of vacation to see if your house was cleaner or if you felt more fulfilled? A week is probably to short, but my concern would be depression setting in once you are at home. *this is my concern because I was depressed on maternity leave because I hated being home. I feel like that is not often talked about but I HATED being home yet felt like I should be home and it made me miserable.*