I agree with you, this needs to stop. You need to put your *foot down in regards to co-parenting Carl and the other issues you've even having (just feeling like you guys are friends who share a son). These issues will always be in the background of every little thing if they continue on like this and you're going to get to a point where the resentment will be hard to get over.
For this particular problem, I suggest having a shared family calendar (the big dry erase ones work well for this) for the three of you that Carl also sees and is included in. Choose one day, maybe Saturday or Sunday, and on that day every week, you and she go over the schedule and what is expected for that following week. You can say you need time to work on a particular day/evening/whatever and she can take Carl somewhere on that day. Then write down the specifics on the calendar exactly what is expected. Include her schedule and alone time too, as well as family time for the three of you, so it's about everyone making an effort. If you want to add alone time for you and DP, you can do that too (like, adding a movie night every Friday evening or something).
After you both come up with a set plan for the week and it's in writing on the calendar, then the two of you can involve Carl by showing him the schedule and explain to him what is going to happen that week so he knows what is coming up and it will start being a routine thing. On the days she doesn't have errands to run with him, you can give him a choice on where he gets to go with DP so he sees it as a fun thing and he might start looking forward to their outings together.
Good luck, mm. I hope you can get your work done and that this doesn't mess up your weekend. Discuss things with her and let her know exactly how you've been feeling about everything (((Hugs)))
imoan she does. I completely agree. She is really sensitive and I know this will end up being a, "You're always right and I'm always wrong," cry fest for her. But it has to happen and I am usually right.
This is manipulative bullshit, and I'd call her on it of she tries it. You should be able to say what you need to without her crying and making it all woe is me.
Just wanted to wish you luck in your talk mm. And advice (from a complete & total stranger, I know- sorry!: Write stuff down! Make an outline of how you'd like the talk to go & do your best to stick to it. Something I have done in past Big CTJ talks w/ H was to make an 'appt' for the talk. Basically give DP a head's up that you'd like to have a discussion/ State of the Union Monday night. Let her know you're planning on bringing some notes, if she'd like to do the same. Then subject closed till Monday. I've found this preparation to be super valuable in several talks (w/ friends, family, & of course H). Basically it really helps keep the over-emotion out of it, & this sounds like this may be something you've dealt w/ before (über-emo), so I immediately thought of this method when reading thru your post. So much good luck, mommy!! You can do this.
Post by PinkSquirrel on Jan 5, 2013 13:06:51 GMT -5
There is ALWAYS somewhere to put the dishes.
Signed,
The woman who once had a epic battle of wills with her now H over dishes that involved me winning by putting them in the bathtub. (We don't have that problem anymore FYI)
Post by PinkSquirrel on Jan 5, 2013 13:13:27 GMT -5
Also, I don't want it to seem like I'm just pulling it down to the most basics of today. She clearly isn't grasping how big of a deal this is and counseling is probably a good option if talking on your own hasn't been successful. She needs to change and you need to start forcing more from her even if that's more of a pain in the ass at the particular moment. You deserve to be treated better than how she's treating you.
Can you contract out some of this stuff? Childcare, cleaning, etc.? I agree with the counseling suggestion and agree that she needs to pull her weight. But you also need a break even when she isn't doing her part. Lessening the overall load might help ease your frustration.
Glad she finally did what you asked. Sorry it took all of that teeth-pulling. Make sure you have a plan for what solution you are hoping for before you have the CTJ.
Post by ElizabethBennet on Jan 5, 2013 14:51:57 GMT -5
I'm sorry MM, I hope you guys can reach some sort of agreement. This would irritate the crap out of me, and from what you posted it doesn't seem like she is interested in or willing to do the work to have a family.