Another SD post: WWYD?

[hereonceagain]

So, no progress since I last reported. After talking at length to DH about how he decided to handle this, I may not agree with it but its not my place to interfere with his decision, especially since I may agree with it (I'm unsure). He's basically determined everything is on SD now to make a move. He is tired of calling many times a week only to have her ignore his calls and messages. And the way they left it after the big fight, was that she needs to apologize or talk nicely about issues so they can work it out, and if not, shes not welcome here.

So we are in the middle of planning a trip. SD has gone on all other trips with us. The trip is next month. SD kept me as her Facebook friend and I was considering messaging her and letting her know that I hope she can work things out prior and come with us. DH said he does not want to talk to her about the trip but doesn't object to me sending a message. He says he would love for her to come but he is sure she won't apologize or resolve her issues prior to then, in which case he wouldn't want her to come.

Should I send her the message? If not, should I block her from viewing family posts on Facebook? Our whole extended family is going and she'd see the pics. Ugh. I wish we could fast forward a year or two with her.

[ijack]

STAY OUT OF IT

[Deleted]

No I wouldn't do anything. If she misses the trip it's her own fault. It's one of those consequences of being mean and disrepectful and whatever other words suit her behaviour towards other people.

Otherwise she just apologizes to get a trip and won't mean it so nothing will change.

[pamela]

I think you need to go on the trip without her. She needs to learn some lessons the hard way that if she is going to exclude you when it suits her, she doesn't get the benefits of being with you either. One trip won't kill her. Don't block her from seeing the pictures either.

[hereonceagain]

Jan 8, 2013 15:54:01 GMT -5 ijack said:

STAY OUT OF IT

I think deep down I know that's right.

I almost don't even want to go on the trip just out of guilt. I don't know why I feel this way. Ugh.

[mbcdefg]

Don't message her. Let her dad handle all communication with her.

I would not change any of your FB settings because it's going to come off as passive-aggressive.

I would be polite to her if you come in contact with her, but until she shows some kindness/gratitude I would absolutely not go out of my way to do anything for her - rides, money, favors, whatever. Tell her to talk to your H and then walk away.

[mbcdefg]

Jan 8, 2013 15:56:38 GMT -5 hereonceagain said:

Jan 8, 2013 15:54:01 GMT -5 ijack said:

STAY OUT OF IT

I think deep down I know that's right.

I almost don't even want to go on the trip just out of guilt. I don't know why I feel this way. Ugh.

Because she knows how to manipulate you guys.

Once she sees that it doesn't work anymore, I'll bet she'll change her attitude.

[SJ]

Absolutely not.

If you and DH agreed that he would handle this, you need to let him handle it.

[pitterwoo]

Did you post your MB personality type? I feel like that would be helpful to understand. You are so sensitive and way over enmeshed in how she feels and creating some kind of harmony that was never even on the table.

Do not reach out to her about the trip and do not block her from seeing pictures from the trip. When you do get to interact with her it's fine to reinforce that you both love and care about her, but remain firm on your expectations for her. Stop tying yourself up in knots to make her come around.

[limey]

Jan 8, 2013 15:56:26 GMT -5 @randomcdn said:

No I wouldn't do anything. If she misses the trip it's her own fault. It's one of those consequences of being mean and disrepectful and whatever other words suit her behaviour towards other people.

Otherwise she just apologizes to get a trip and won't mean it so nothing will change.

This is where I'm at.

Definitely stay out of it.

Every time you feel guilty, go do something productive like 10 pushups or cleaning the kitchen sink, just to redirect your thought process.

[Deleted]

If she does message anything just tell her she should talk to her father. It's between them, involved you (the name calling) but this is for them to sort out.

[hski2349]

I agree that you need to stay out of it. Your DH needs to approach her if he wants her to be a part of the vacation.

I also don't think you should block the family posts if you stay friends with her on facebook. Do not shelter her from things because of her behavior.

[SJ]

Jan 8, 2013 16:04:08 GMT -5 pitterwoo said:

Did you post your MB personality type? I feel like that would be helpful to understand. You are so sensitive and way over enmeshed in how she feels and creating some kind of harmony that was never even on the table.

I guess ENFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP

[Deleted]

I don't even understand how you could be questioning sending her a message on facebook. And no, you should not feel guilty about going on a trip without her.

[hulley]

I would not message her on Facebook or via any other means. You know nothing good will come of it. Let her father handle things.

[pitterwoo]

Jan 8, 2013 16:45:23 GMT -5 SJ said:

Jan 8, 2013 16:04:08 GMT -5 pitterwoo said:

Did you post your MB personality type? I feel like that would be helpful to understand. You are so sensitive and way over enmeshed in how she feels and creating some kind of harmony that was never even on the table.

I guess ENFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP

lol, you're probably right. I think it's the P that's getting to me though. Way to much indecision and confusion about what the plan should be and how to stick to it.

HOA, were you and H able to see the therapist together to agree on your plan of action? I think you still need to make some time for counseling so that you can come to terms with where SD is at right now and that the situation is out of your control and there's nothing you need to say to her right now.

[Deleted]

I would be very careful about letting her know that you will be out of town. Does she have a key to your house? Will you have house sitters or someone staying there? I would be worried that she would ransack the house and or have a gigantic party while you are gone.