Foster- ers

[mk]

Are visits as terrible as I'm imagining? Ours was canceled last week, but SW said we could attend them. now she says she didn't think before she said yes, and it wouldn't be fair to his mother. since the plan is reunification and all. I just can't see how spending the day with two strangers is in his best interest.

From Mandy's phone

[Deleted]

They aren't really that bad, I supervise so I get annoyed at bio but that's it. A lot depends on the child and their level of attachment to bio, sometimes they don't want to leave bio but I've also seen the other way around, not wanting to see bio.

[Duchess1]

It's not. That's the big lie. The system isn't designed to look after the best interests of the child. It's designed to be sure the county doesn't get sued by bio parents.

Having said all that,visits aren't so awful but they can be difficult and emotional. You will see very clearly why you have their child and it can be tough. I watched LMC get force fed and PBS get fed ranch dressing at 3 months old. One of the dad's shøwed up high and refused to leave. Once we had to be escorted ou by security. It sucked.

I would recomnend stepping away. Visits have to happen and sometimes it's best to not be a part of them. Be the safe place he comes home to when it's over. Visits are supervised. He will be safe. Let a third party see how she parents. Document his behavior when he returns,even babies may struggle. Mine did. Handing him over will be hard but he gets to come home to you. An hour or two won't completely undo all the good you have done, though it may feel that way.

If you do decide to go put on your poker face and bite your tongue. I remember this stage all too well. Sending you strength and hugs. I know how hard it is.

[mk]

I haven't heard back from our SW yet, but I'm assuming she isn't going to allow us to go. I can't be certain he'll be safe, because the one time we had a supervised visit (with Big Sister), the guy showed up with the wrong car seat, and made everyone uncomfortable. (My parents ended up driving him). I have no reason to trust whoever is supervising, you know? I realize I don't have a choice. I think this is super hard for me b/c we haven't had to do any of this stuff for the first 6 months we've had him. We were just parenting "our baby".

[ct]

Visits where hard on me. I hated the car seats, how poorly they were installed, how quickly they thought Sprout was ready for a booster, and I made a fuss over it every time. I also hated knowing they would be eating junk and watching sponge bob the entire time.

But, somehow they made it back to me in one piece every time and the junk food/bad tv/crappy car seats seem to have had little effect in the long term.

We aren't allowed to supervise and that's probably a good thing considering the heightened emotions for all - the few times we transported were difficult enough.

One thing that was a huge help was having a visit journal. I proposed it to DCF after bio mom had fed something to one of the babies before we had even introduced any solids. I asked that she or the worker just give me a quick note on what they ate, if they had a dirty diaper, ect. It was also a good way for me to send notes to mom in a way that didn't feel too much like I was instructing her on how to care for her kid. I'd say things like, "Daisy just tried peas for the first time this week! She loves them! I packed some in case you felt like feeding her." instead of "DON'T FEED A 5 MONTH OLD DORITOS!!"

[eratmama]

Each county seems to do it differently. Might you supervise or will there be a county visitation supervisor? I cant imagine being the only one supervising. How would you have the power to stop anything unsafe?

We did transportation exclusively for a few months, and have done it sporadically since. I didn't mind, but biomom has always been respectful towards us.

I did have to remember the difference between not ideal parenting and unsafe. A few hours withnon ideal parenting will drive you bat shit crazy, but not your kid.

Ditto duchess-- keep a log on your end of what happens. And ditto ct-- a communivation log is great. I spent about an hour agonizing over the writing of our first note. Now i do it in about 5 min

When Pumpkin first started going on visits, I worried the whole time he was gone. Now, i am actually able to enjoy it a bit and get things done. It gets easier.

[ct]

Jan 11, 2013 10:19:42 GMT -5 eratmama said:

Now, i am actually able to enjoy it a bit and get things done. It gets easier.

lol, i just said to DW last week. "I kinda miss visits and free babysitting." Those were our date nights!

[Duchess1]

Oh! One more thing. Reserve one bottle,one blanket etc. that you only use for visits. Send diapers and wipes and keep track of what gets used.

Befriend the transporters and supervisors. They will very often give you a ton of info about the visit. Document your heart out. It makes all the difference.

Hang in there. ((Hugs))

[Deleted]

Jan 11, 2013 10:19:42 GMT -5 eratmama said:

Each county seems to do it differently. Might you supervise or will there be a county visitation supervisor? I cant imagine being the only one supervising. How would you have the power to stop anything unsafe?

I've always made comments to bio families about unsafe things that are happening- kids standing on chairs, inappropriate food, allowing kids to run in the hall unsupervised - and let them know that if it continues, the visit will end immediately. We are given the authority to stop a visit if the bio family is being unsafe (high, inappropriate comments to kids, violent, etc.), they are allowing the kids to do unsafe things, the kids can't handle the visit (screaming/crying a lot), the bios aren't paying attention to the kids.

I've gone for a visit and waited 15 minutes for a bio parent, they weren't there in the allotted wait time so I left, as I was walking to my car she showed up and I told her that she could try again next week. The next week she showed me how angry she was by giving food that we had already discussed was inappropriate, she refused to listen so I packed up, told her the visit was done and left.