NDR: Not sure how to handle this

[Deleted]

I think a few of you have experience with cancer, so I'd just like a sounding board. My father (62) found out this week that he has prostate cancer. I've never dealt with cancer before other than minor skin and one minor scare with my grandmother, who recovered easily/quickly, but from what I've read in the past, prostate is sort of good news if you have to hear the word "cancer," right? That's what I'm telling myself right now anyway. He's visiting the surgeon next week, probably having surgery in 7 or 8 weeks.

My problem: I'm not sure what I should do. I don't want to make this about me in any way, but I feel like I shoudl be doing something. My father is not acknowledging this illness and originally was not going to tell us (my mom told him to eff-off with that business, thank goodness). He did make her call us though; he's not going to talk with us about it. I'm 3,000 miles away. My parents have never been particularly touchy-feely (I've seen my mom cry maybe once or twice in my life). But I know my mom is shaken. I feel like acting like he's an invalid or flying home (just got back from there) is overkill for something that might just be a moderately annoying medical condition, but I also feel like just sitting here while my dad has FUCKING CANCER is wrong. I don't know what I'm looking for really; just some experiences?

[mrs.jacinthe]

Yes, prostate cancer is pretty good news in the "you've got cancer" world and it's pretty common. Depending on what stage the cancer is, the doctors may treat it or go with "wait and see", but either way, it's very treatable.

That said, the word "cancer" is pretty scary in and of itself. If it were me, I'd just send him a box of his favorite treats - brownies or cookies or whatever with some sort of funny-leaning "get well soon" card.

((hugs)) Cancer sucks. Eff it.

[Deleted]

Thanks Mrs.J. That's good idea. My dad won't have to deal with actual emotions that way (something that is almost impossible for him). Not that I'm good at it either. Definitely a product of my parents. On the phone it was like my mom and I were trying to out-optimistic each other instead of acknowledging what we were both thinking (which was more like :-( :-( :-( ).

[Susie]

My dad is a stage 4 prostate cancer survivor; it has been 8 years now and he is still in remission. Go Daddy Derkins!

It tends to be a pretty slow growing cancer. My dad's was pretty advanced/aggressive, which was scary, but generally speaking it's something that older men might die with, not of, and in younger men it can be treated. The side effects of treatment are very real and not to be minimized or made light of, but it's not the same kind of terror that goes along with other types of cancer (like pancreas as an extreme example).

That is not to say cancer isn't a scary word, but do take heart that this is very often a treatable cancer.

My dad's needs as a cancer patient were pretty different than my mom's (she has ovarian cancer). I visited a lot, and we just did fun things on the weekend to take his mind off it. He did radiation rather than surgery, and did not feel too horribly ill. He didn't really want to talk about it or just be together, but anything I could do to be "normal" and "fun" was helpful for him. Almost more important in my visits when he was sick, was to be there for my mom. I'd take her to Coldstone or Starbucks and just let her bitch and let it all out over a latte or ice cream. Being the primary caretaker is SO FARKING HARD.

[Deleted]

Jan 11, 2013 12:05:40 GMT -5 Susie said:

Being the primary caretaker is SO FARKING HARD.

Thanks Susie. That's one of the things that's hardest for me. I think my mom is going to (outwardly) have a harder time with this, and this is where the 3,000 mile distance is going to be really hard for me; I can't drop by and do this stuff. Today is her birthday too. Happy birthday mom, right?

[gnomesweetgnome]

Ugh, cancer sucks. My FIL has Stage 4 prostate cancer (it was actually stage 4 when he was diagnosed, so surgery wasn't an option for him), and the longer he has it the quieter he and MIL are about what's going on, which is kind of scary.

Really the only thing I can suggest is to let them know that you're willing to talk with them or listen, and that you'd like to be updated after appointments, etc. If you're religious let them know that you're praying for them. You could try to put together a gift basket for your dad for post-surgery recovery with things to keep his mind occupied, favorite snacks, etc. if you think that would be something he might like. It's hard when your family isn't emotionally open with one another to be supportive.

[Deleted]

Hugs and prayers sent your way.
Cancer sucks no matter how treatable. It's hard, frustrating and heart-wrenching. The prognosis on your dad is good for sure though.

That said, in simple terms, treat them how they want to be treated. I have been through cancer time and again. My mom's family is very cards, casseroles, 600 people around, creating prayer chains, visiting and generally being sad over it TBH.

My MIL, a breast cancer survivor, was the complete opposite. She loved the people who simply treated her like she was still human and capable. She literally milked cows through 3/4s of her treatments and surgeries, bandages, burn marks, throwing up and all. She wanted to, it made her feel productive and took her mind off of feeling sorry for herself. She also wanted to drive herself to treatments and work through the struggle on her own. She appreciated who would visit and talk about ANYTHING else other than cancer. She liked to be invited out to stuff when she felt able and liked the little thing (vacuuming the floor, unpacking the dishwasher etc.). To this day she says her and I have a special bond, because I "got" it and let it be when everyone else was basically yelling at her for her choices. Hs sisters were especially horrible about this. They're great and meant well but were projecting their grief through means MIL didn't necessarily want.

So just ask what they want you to do. It's the best route IMO.

I know I didn't explain this well at all, but I hope you know where I'm headed.

Anyways, I'll be thinking about you for sure!

[Deleted]

Thanks gnome and dairy. I guess I should have assumed this sort of stuff would happen and anticipated this feeling-like-crap-because-I'm-so-far-away when I decided to move across the country. I've been "lucky" so far in that there's been no prolonged illness requiring caretaking back home. I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with being long distance without my poor sister/SILs having to do all the hard work. I'm thinking about planning another trip home in the spring/early summer, maybe when he's feeling better and would like to hang out.

[munkii]

Sorry for the crap news

Like PPs have said, let them know you're there to talk and give support. Your mom's going to need it as your dad's caregiver and partner, and your dad might come around too. Maybe he's not talking about it so he doesn't fall apart.

That's basically what my family does: do your treatments and go on with the world. It sucks, and you may even feel helpless at times. But at least you'll be there if/when they need you.

[kaylie]

I'm sorry - that's really crappy news to get.

I would take your cues from them - it sounds like your mom might need the support more than your dad does. That's not to say your dad won't ever need/want it, but for now it's his cancer and he can ignore it if he wants to.

For now I would probably check in often and make sure your mom can handle his care (getting to and from doctors appts and such). You could let her know that if she needs you to fly out to help or that you're available to talk if she needs it, she'd probably appreciate the sentiment. Hopefully his case is routine and it won't change much for them at all.

I actually flew back and forth from NYC to Florida every weekend over the course of several months when my grandma got cancer. Hers was terminal and she didn't have long but we decided to keep her home instead of the hospital because that's what she wanted.

It was hell on my mom and as the main caretaker she needed way more emotional support that my grandma did. She also needed someone to do the dirty work - she couldn't bring herself to tell the oncologist that we weren't going to do chemo (grandma was out of her mind because of calcium levels in her blood by this point, so we had to make the call). It was also nice for her to have someone to take shifts with since someone had to be with grandma at all times.

Grandma really needed me to serve as the intermediary between her and my mom. My mom did not understand why grandma needed to do her hair and makeup every day even though she wasn't going anywhere. She also didn't understand why grandma wanted her urine bag concealed if we took her out of the apartment in her wheelchair (this was one of the funniest conversations ever).

Ditto Susie and the difficulties of being the primary caretaker - there were moments where my mom almost lost her mind. I think the thing I did that was most helpful sometimes was reminding my her to take a deep breath and think about what matters. They actually got into a fight over the correct ingredients for Waldorf Salad at one point and I was like "she's dying, let her win."

[Deleted]

Thank you for writing that kaylie.

ETA: This really hits home, especially the bolded: "I would take your cues from them - it sounds like your mom might need the support more than your dad does. That's not to say your dad won't ever need/want it, but for now it's his cancer and he can ignore it if he wants to." That's EXACTLY what's going on, and it's good to know that's OK.

[auntie]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Prostate CA comes in a couple different flavors, but most often it's not an especially aggressive disease and one that can sometimes be "treated" with watchful waiting.

One feature of tx, is that often a newly dx'd man will be turfed to a range of specialists for consults and be left to his own devices in terms of deciding what to do because there isn't a whole lot of consensus in the medical community over what is best. For people who like a physician to tell them what to do this can be frustating.

When my father went through this 7 years ago, he relied more on his golf buddies opinions about what to do than his doctors who did not come to a consensus. His buddies were like those women who tell scary L&D stories. He refused to not treat (even though given his age, 72, he was a good candidate) because he felt her had to "beat cancer" rather than live with it. His one friend knew someone who was injured by radioactive seeds that migrated. His brother's BFF was incontinent and impotent from surgery. He knew someone who had hot flashes from pharmacutical tx. He ended up choosing radiation instead. He's had more complications related to that than the CA.

Dad was in FL when he was being treated and I was in school fulltime and the parent of an autistic middle schooler. I sent him books and emails. He's not real warm and fuzzy anyway.

[Susie]

Jan 11, 2013 13:07:40 GMT -5 @juno said:

Thank you for writing that kaylie.

ETA: This really hits home, especially the bolded: "I would take your cues from them - it sounds like your mom might need the support more than your dad does. That's not to say your dad won't ever need/want it, but for now it's his cancer and he can ignore it if he wants to." That's EXACTLY what's going on, and it's good to know that's OK.

FWIW, I think that's really good advice also.

[Deleted]

auntie, L&D is a funny comparison. In fact, my mother was talking about my dad being a bit worried about the incontinence issue (he's definitely decided he wants surgery), and my mom said she told him, "Don't worry, I've been peeing on myself since [juno] was born!"

[ohjessica]

I can't add much more than what has already said. Good news is, if caught early, surgery has a pretty good chance of getting rid of everything.

My dad passed away in November from prostate cancer. Unfortunately he wasn't lucky, mostly because he didn't find out until the cancer had already spread to his organs and by that time, it was a rapid takeover and he passed within a month of his diagnosis.

Just be there to support your dad. Let him know that you love him and want him around for many more years. Treat him just as you've always treated him. Lots of good vibes to you and your family!

[Deleted]

Jan 11, 2013 20:44:25 GMT -5 ohjessica said:

I can't add much more than what has already said. Good news is, if caught early, surgery has a pretty good chance of getting rid of everything.

My dad passed away in November from prostate cancer. Unfortunately he wasn't lucky, mostly because he didn't find out until the cancer had already spread to his organs and by that time, it was a rapid takeover and he passed within a month of his diagnosis.

Just be there to support your dad. Let him know that you love him and want him around for many more years. Treat him just as you've always treated him. Lots of good vibes to you and your family!

I just saw this. I'm so sorry. Same to your family.

My dad's doctor has been monitoring him for problems he's been having in this area for 1+ years, so I'm really hoping it is early enough for him. I guess we'll be finding out pretty soon.

[ktzmoh]

I'm really sorry to read this news. Last year my MIL got a cancer diagnosis, and it was for one of the slow progressing, may not need treatment kinds of cancer. Fr us, it was very confusing. We felt both really upset because it's cancer, but very relieved because it was one of the least deadly cancers. We had a lot of emotions and guilt because we too are 3000 miles away.

I think, if his process is anything like my MILs, he will see several other people and do more testing to characterize his disease and determine treatment recommendations. My DH flew back to those appointments, and he spent lots of time trying to get a better feel for how his dad was coping and what kind of support they might need.

It's a hard balance because you don't want to treat them like an invalid or delicate, but you also don't want to ignore or downplay the seriousness of any cancer.

[aweilba]

I'm so sorry that you got this news. Hopefully it was caught early enough and will be a quick surgery with fast healing.

My aunt just passed away on November 1st after a 5 1/2 year battle with breast cancer... it sucks. I know that over those years, what she loved most was getting letters/texts/calls that talked about other things, never about cancer. She often said that she had cancer; she wasn't dead. She just wanted to keep her life normal. She knew the cancer was there; she didn't need people reminding her about it, although she understood why people felt that they needed to talk to her about it.

Sometimes I sent her gift cards to Starbucks so she could go out with her girlfriends for a coffee. When she had surgeries, she always liked getting little packages with things to keep her entertained while healing--nail polishes, books, magazines, DVDs, crosswords, etc. She did not often want to talk about her cancer. She wanted to try to live life as normally as possible and enjoy it to the fullest every day. She was so awesome.

My dad would hang out with my uncle, too, so that he could get away and have some time with the guys whenever he was around. I know that he liked that a lot.

So I guess my advice, if you could call it that, would be to keep trying to treat your dad as you've always treated him. Because he has cancer doesn't mean that he's not still the guy he's always been. If he wants to talk to you about his cancer, he will. If he doesn't, that's his way of dealing with it. Be the supportive daughter in the best way that you can. Talk to your mom because she might want to talk about the cancer and need a support system, too. Sort of feel them out and figure out how they might need support from there. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers, for what it's worth.

[pitterwoo]

nothing to add, but I'm sorry that you and your family are having to deal with this.

[lys]

Not all people with prostate cancer even need treatment of any kind. It toally depends on the kind and how fast/slow it is growing, the PSA level changes etc.

My dad had to have his prostate removed - that was the end of things - a speedy recovery.

Ask him how you can be of help.

Share memories of good times together when appropriate.