I learned today I bully my children

[wildcatprincess]

If you recall the place we attend baby classes was having a tantrum/meltdown contest. Well a few people came out of nowhere (not regulars) and started posting how appalling it was and they couldn't believe the behavior of both the business and the parents filming their children instead of comforting them. One of them is apparently a psychologist and said that's how bullying starts, through parents laughing at their children's pain.

Uhhhhhh, I take pictures of my kids crying all the time. I don't make fun of them or mock them or anything, but sometimes I do think their fits are funny. I also don't comfort my kid when she's having a tantrum, they apparently don't buy into the ignore it and it will stop theory.

So now the contest is show what you do to calm a tantruming child. I somehow think a video of me putting her in her room and telling her to stay until she's done screaming won't go over well.

[lauranicole91]

Wow that's special. I don't think you did anything damaging by filming.

[The Foozzler]

Wow. People want to make everything in life rainbows and unicorn farts.

It was time to come inside, your child didn't like it. You are not supposed to give in and let her go back outside and you are not supposed to tell her everything is ok. Sometimes you just need to let them have a tantrum.

[thedahliharpa]

That's lame. Filming and ignoring is a lot better than what a lot of parents do IMO.

[The Foozzler]

pro-burp.

[rjamz]

Gaaah! Why do so many people have so many sticks up their asses??

Granted, I only know you over the internet, but you don't seem like the bullying sort. Especially your kids. It's just parents having a little fun with something that has or will happen to all of us. And I'm a huge subscriber to the ignore method of dealing with tantrums.

Sent from my SPH-D710 using proboards

[Deleted]

Lame. I was just thinking today that I want to get a video of her crying because I miss her baby cries and forget what they sounded like. Strangely enough I want to remember her whiny/crying in this stage because that's who she is and someday I won't hear her baby cries and cute little "Manama" anymore.

[Deleted]

Ignoring it or laughing at them while throwing the fit is the only thing that has worked for me.

ETA: When I start laughing she does too....crisis averted. :Y:

[vthokie]

Wow. People need to get over themselves. Sometimes stepping back and laughing at something later is the only thing that keeps us from losing our little minds. I think you were right in how you handled things, and all those other people are going to have kids who are very sad and surprised when they get in the real world and nobody shits cotton candy on demand for them

[unclejesse]

Yeah, your kids look totes scarred for lyfe in that sig pic. 8-D

[Deleted]

Oh jeez, this is ridiculous. You don't COMFORT during a tantrum, FFS. Best way to get them to continue, imo!

[lydiasings28]

Yes, giving them positive reinforcement for an unwanted behavior is a great idea... And this person is a psychologist? Basic operant conditioning learned in psych 101.

[gmoneymommy]

I extinguish tantrums for a living. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Positively reinforce good behavior only. You are fine. I don't get why a psychologist would be freaking out about that.

[kdrake8]

Jan 14, 2013 14:19:09 GMT -5 thedahliharpa said:

That's lame. Filming and ignoring is a lot better than what a lot of parents do IMO.

As always, dahli has a very wise answer! I definitely agree.

My moms motto was always "why have kids if you can't have fun with it?" she would torture us I have fond memories of her teasing!

[biblionerd]

Jan 14, 2013 17:15:26 GMT -5 gmoneymommy said:

I extinguish tantrums for a living. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Positively reinforce good behavior only. You are fine. I don't get why a psychologist would be freaking out about that.

I'm not saying that it's my viewpoint, only one I've read... the gist I believe is that they throw tantrums because of an inability to handle and process emotions- that they aren't being "bad", that the prefrontal cortex only begins to develop at age 4(?) and that is what regulates emotions. So they are physically incapable of handling these emotions and to just ignore them shows a lack of caring/support/etc. about what they are experiencing and basically abandoning them during a confusing and frustrating time for them.

[Deleted]

Jan 14, 2013 17:25:18 GMT -5 biblionerd said:

Jan 14, 2013 17:15:26 GMT -5 gmoneymommy said:

I extinguish tantrums for a living. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Positively reinforce good behavior only. You are fine. I don't get why a psychologist would be freaking out about that.

I'm not saying that it's my viewpoint, only one I've read... the gist I believe is that they throw tantrums because of an inability to handle and process emotions- that they aren't being "bad", that the prefrontal cortex only begins to develop at age 4(?) and that is what regulates emotions. So they are physically incapable of handling these emotions and to just ignore them shows a lack of caring/support/etc. about what they are experiencing and basically abandoning them during a confusing and frustrating time for them.

Or, it's just my kid being a brat because things didn't go his way. I tell him, That's life, mate

[wildcatprincess]

Jan 14, 2013 22:33:30 GMT -5 @starbound said:

Jan 14, 2013 17:25:18 GMT -5 biblionerd said:

I'm not saying that it's my viewpoint, only one I've read... the gist I believe is that they throw tantrums because of an inability to handle and process emotions- that they aren't being "bad", that the prefrontal cortex only begins to develop at age 4(?) and that is what regulates emotions. So they are physically incapable of handling these emotions and to just ignore them shows a lack of caring/support/etc. about what they are experiencing and basically abandoning them during a confusing and frustrating time for them.

Or, it's just my kid being a brat because things didn't go his way. I tell him, That's life, mate

Right? I do the whole state what's happening, say I understand her feelings, explain why she can't do what she wants to thing and then she screams like a maniac and throws things or tries to hit me. So I tell her she can be mad, but she can't hurt people and in the room she goes. I get she's not being intentionally bad (all of the time) but I can't just let her terrorize us.

[wildcatprincess]

Jan 14, 2013 14:33:04 GMT -5 vthokie said:

Wow. People need to get over themselves. Sometimes stepping back and laughing at something later is the only thing that keeps us from losing our little minds. I think you were right in how you handled things, and all those other people are going to have kids who are very sad and surprised when they get in the real world and nobody shits cotton candy on demand for them

This made me CH

[gmoneymommy]

Jan 14, 2013 17:25:18 GMT -5 biblionerd said:

Jan 14, 2013 17:15:26 GMT -5 gmoneymommy said:

I extinguish tantrums for a living. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Positively reinforce good behavior only. You are fine. I don't get why a psychologist would be freaking out about that.

I'm not saying that it's my viewpoint, only one I've read... the gist I believe is that they throw tantrums because of an inability to handle and process emotions- that they aren't being "bad", that the prefrontal cortex only begins to develop at age 4(?) and that is what regulates emotions. So they are physically incapable of handling these emotions and to just ignore them shows a lack of caring/support/etc. about what they are experiencing and basically abandoning them during a confusing and frustrating time for them.

Okay...I'll clarify a bit. I say ignore, but there is some acknowledgment of the behavior. My practice is usually to say, "I'll wait for you to use calm words/have nice hands/calm down." But that's it. I don't say anything else until they start calming down. I never leave the child alone, but I don't see the harm in putting a child who understands that they aren't going to be abandoned in their room to calm down either. After they are calm, I coach them through communicating appropriately and sometimes this will result in another meltdown and the cycle continues until the child communicates without tantrumming.

[laurack]

Jan 14, 2013 17:25:18 GMT -5 biblionerd said:

Jan 14, 2013 17:15:26 GMT -5 gmoneymommy said:

I extinguish tantrums for a living. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Positively reinforce good behavior only. You are fine. I don't get why a psychologist would be freaking out about that.

I'm not saying that it's my viewpoint, only one I've read... the gist I believe is that they throw tantrums because of an inability to handle and process emotions- that they aren't being "bad", that the prefrontal cortex only begins to develop at age 4(?) and that is what regulates emotions. So they are physically incapable of handling these emotions and to just ignore them shows a lack of caring/support/etc. about what they are experiencing and basically abandoning them during a confusing and frustrating time for them.

Hmmm. I don't know about that. Having many a time seen the devilish look on a three year olds face when testing boundaries... I think they know whats going on all right, at least some (a lot) of the time.

[biblionerd]

oh I totally agree (too many people to quote). Like I said, I'm not saying that I believe it, just that it's one school of thought. She asked why a psychologist would have a problem with it, and that's why some do. I believe there are different kinds of temper tantrums though and there's not necessarily a correct solution for all. For instance this morning... Linus wanted the remote and I told him he couldn't have it. Flipped the fuck out and started an epic tantrum. Does he know he wasn't supposed to have the remote? Yes. Am I going to completely shun him as soon as he starts throwing a tantrum? No, not in this instance. He's throwing a temper tantrum because all he knows is that he wants something and he can't have it, and he's not capable of understanding/interpreting/whatever those emotions. So we say something to the effect of "I know you're very upset that you can't have the remote. When you calm down we can find your pretend remote to play with." and I stayed next to him and he got in my lap a minute later. I didn't give him the remote, I didn't try and physically comfort him, I didn't walk away like he was doing something bad by throwing a temper tantrum. The playing with the remote was the bad part, not the temper tantrum. When he throws a tantrum because he wants me to pick him up and I'm changing Fiona's diaper it's the same thing "I'm sorry you're angry and upset that I can't pick you up right now. Why don't you go color and we'll hug/snuggle/whatever when I'm done." and I just keep changing her diaper like usual and ignore the crying toddler trying to climb up my leg. He gets over it and walks away and then I comfort him when he's calmed down.

I DON'T think it's necessarily correct to ALWAYS ignore them like some people do though. If he's upset about something and wants me to hold and comfort him then I will. I'm not going to shun him because he's having this toddler emotional meltdown. Even when he tests boundaries and does something wrong, that doesn't mean the tantrum is a bad thing and I'm going to ignore him all of the time just because tantrums are unpleasant. I feel like I didn't make any sense. Did I? lol. I TOTALLY agree with almost everything said by everyone though, what I posted wasn't my opinion. I think wildcat's video was hilarious and I would do the same thing. There's nothing you can do after you state what you should and you just have to let them ride it out. They need to figure out how to handle it, not hurt anyone else in the process, etc. so what's a video going to hurt.

[biblionerd]

and I think that place is ridiculous. Tantrums are a point of life, lighten the hell up! A video of what you do to calm a tantruming child!?!? Boring!