NHGR: Moms with 2+ kids

[thewop]

So I've been going back and forth lately on whether or not I want another baby. I always thought I'd have 2 kids, but as of right now, I'm good with one. My DD is super fun lately, I'm loving it (she's 16 mo.). I feel like life is "back to normal", not the crazy infant survival stage of bottles and less sleep (if that makes sense). We had talked about TTC this fall/winter, but I'm really second guessing if I want another. My mom, who is an only child has begged me not to have only one child because she says as an only child it's lonely and it sucks. DH says if we only have one child, it seems selfish (but if I was adamant I didn't want another, he'd be ok). Maybe I'm just not ready for another baby, and that's why I'm feeling the way I do, I don't know.

Moms of 2, how is life with 2 kids? How did you know you were ready for a second? Did you ever feel like I do of not wanting another, and now you're glad you did/didn't have another? Feel free to add any other thoughts.

[sailorgray]

I absolutely love having two. Seeing them play and "talk" and how crazy they are about each other melts my heart every single day. I had a lot of guilt about having another when DS1 was still pretty young, but that feeling has gone away. It was the best thing we did. At 1 and 3, they are best buds.

I have an older brother and could not imagine life without a sibling.

[jhawks482]

Personally, I love life with two kids. I always thought I'd have 2, and I wanted them close together. I didn't want to have a 5 year old, and then an infant. I didn't like being pregnant, and I didnt particularly love the newborn stage either. Thats why I wanted to have my children, and be done. I look forward to my children growing up together, and I look forward to doing fun stuff once my children are a bit older (Disney, Hawaii, road trips). I don't think I'd want another baby once my older kids were really on the move (though I realize that totally suits some!).
I totally hear you about being comfortable now that your DD is older. My DD is now 2, and she's so much fun. It really is hard to think about going back to sleepless nights and baby food when your older child is becoming so independent. When we were pregnant with #2, it was hard for my husband to think that Kylie could possibly be as cool and funny as Cameron, our first. He was (and still is) a totally awesome and funny kid. Well, Kylie is too- in her own, different way. She's a total blast and completes our family. They both bring so much to our family. I can definitely say that 2 is better than 1.

[thewop]

Yeah, we would start trying when DD is just over 2 years old, so hopefully we wouldn't have more than 4 years (3 years apart would be ideal) difference in age. DH and I agreed that if we're trying for so long that there would be more than 5 years difference in siblings, we would just accept it and be done.

[Deleted]

I'm right where you are actually. I'm back to being me, having more time for fun stuff, watching Rubes' personality grow and just feeling like I half way have it together again.

I think a lot of days I'd be okay with one, especially since I've been pregnant twice in two years. I'm definitely over that part and the weird anxiety/stress being pregnant gives me. I also think Rubes could have so many more experiences, fun stuff and opportunities we probably couldn't do with more kids.

However, deep down I truly know life isn't about the money and some of the best things I can give Rubes are in the form of a sibling relationship. Despite the drama we sometimes have I enjoy them in my life. Same with Hs. I want a house full for Christmas dinner someday, shopping buddies and another cow milker for Rubes. The things they will do together are priceless and I don't want her growing up doing them alone. I also don't want her all alone down the line taking care of H and I alone either. That aspect is on my mind lately because my Dad is stuck taking care of aging parents and the only thing pulling him through is his sibling relationships.

Also, somedays now that she is 18 months and actively playing I sometimes think how much more fun dolls, painting, sandbox etc. will be for down the line with a playmate other than me.

All of that said, we're not pushing it. I'd love more kids down the line for sure, but H and I have been to hell and back in that regard, so we're taking the relaxed whatever will be, will be approach for awhile. We both honestly like our boring little, things not constantly changing life lately.

[SusanBAnthony]

Mine are 2.5 years apart. Before I had kids I thought I want them 2 years apart. But when DS was 15 months, there was no way in hell I was ready. But by the time he was 21 months I was ready to go. And honestly, I wish I had waited another 6 months and had a three year gap.

So I vote no rush, you have time!

[ktzmoh]

Becoming a parent kind of kicked my ass a bit. So I, like you, was good with one for a long time. We only started thinking about another once things calmed down and we found a rhythm and life seemed to settle into our new normal. For us, that was around the time our son was 2.5 years old. But we had lots of upheaval and chaos in our lives in those first couple of years.

After going through the initiation once, having a second child was a breeze. Really - we felt much more confident - we weren't as perpetually confused and worried. We had done it all before, so the second time around was much easier. And our son was old enough that he could really care for himself to some extent. For example, he was potty trained by then and he could get himself dressed and follow directions and do simple things like 'hand me that bottle' or whatever. He was 3.5 by the time my second baby came around.

Seeing how they play together now, and how they love each other and share little secrets and do things together really is wonderful at this point and I couldn't imagine not having 2. Plus they are so different. I enjoy how different they are and seeing their little personalities take shape.

One other thing to add: For me, the first time was nuts and I felt like I didn't even have time to breathe let alone enjoy the newborn / infant stage. The second time, I knew better and had the perspective I needed to slow down and just smell her and snuggle her and enjoy every moment of the tiny baby days.

[sailorgray]

Jan 15, 2013 13:27:01 GMT -5 ktzmoh said:

Becoming a parent kind of kicked my ass a bit. So I, like you, was good with one for a long time. We only started thinking about another once things calmed down and we found a rhythm and life seemed to settle into our new normal. For us, that was around the time our son was 2.5 years old. But we had lots of upheaval and chaos in our lives in those first couple of years.

After going through the initiation once, having a second child was a breeze. Really - we felt much more confident - we weren't as perpetually confused and worried. We had done it all before, so the second time around was much easier. And our son was old enough that he could really care for himself to some extent. For example, he was potty trained by then and he could get himself dressed and follow directions and do simple things like 'hand me that bottle' or whatever. He was 3.5 by the time my second baby came around.

Seeing how they play together now, and how they love each other and share little secrets and do things together really is wonderful at this point and I couldn't imagine not having 2. Plus they are so different. I enjoy how different they are and seeing their little personalities take shape.

One other thing to add: For me, the first time was nuts and I felt like I didn't even have time to breathe let alone enjoy the newborn / infant stage. The second time, I knew better and had the perspective I needed to slow down and just smell her and snuggle her and enjoy every moment of the tiny baby days.

:Y:

[karenj]

Mine came as a set. Kidding, sort of. We adopted through foster care and got them them at the same time. They are full siblings. E was 15 months old and A was 4 months old. It was pretty crazy doing it that route I will tell you. I couldn't imagine it now with out the both. Although, they are now almost 12 and 11 and bicker constantly. LOL.

I know its a tough decision. Maybe you just are ready yet. Wouldn't hurt anything to wait for awhile to make a decision. Good luck.

[InBetweenDays]

We always knew we wanted two but I did go through a period of time questioning that somewhat. Like you I loved the stage DD was in, she was so fun, and I couldn't imagine loving another child as much as I loved her. Our kids are 2.5 years apart - DD is 6.5 and DS is almost 4. It is SO much fun watching them together. They are the best of friends and honestly I think it is easier with two at this stage. They play together and DH and I occasionally get a quiet cup of coffee in the morning or glass of wine in the evening .

I also thought the transition to two was nowhere near as difficult as the transition to one. Yes there is a lot more juggling but for me the hardest part the first time was losing my independence. That was already gone so it wasn't nearly as life changing I guess.

[emoflamingo]

I regret having mine so far apart. It's not as fun. I was DONE with diapers and potty training and bottles and spit up and now I'm back to it again. I didn't push very hard with H to get on the second kid bandwagon for a long time (because who wants to be pressured into a huge life changing decision like that?!) and then he finally said "yes, let's do it because now we waited too long."

I don't regret having a second kid. At all. They don't get to play together like I did with my siblings (eventually, I am 3, 4.5 and 6 years older than them all), but they do interact. Monkey entertains him in his exersaucer thing while I get bottles ready, or while I run to the basement for laundry, and he is the ONLY person who has managed to get an almost-laugh out of Baby W.

[pickle123]

I'm like you and I'll tell you, it's harder as he's gotten older. Now that he's potty trained, life is easy peasy. I dread going back to the newborn stage. That said, we decided now or never and are TTC. I know it will be worth it, but I didn't do well with the newborn stage.

[sratsey]

It's hectic at times but I love having two. Mine are spaced 4 years apart which came with both pros and cons. The one con being that I was so used to being able to sleep again and having a child that was very independent made it really hard to go through that newborn period. It was easier because DS was super helpful with his sister and since he was in preschool, I had days that I could devote fully to DD. Now that they are 4 and 8, both in school, both involved with extra curricular activities, it's definitely chaotic and busy, but I wouldn't change a thing. I grew up with 3 siblings and I love them all dearly. I almost regret that I didn't have a bigger family, but as a mother, I don't think I'd be cut out for more than what I've been blessed with.

H was an only child and when he talks about playing board games by himself and all his imaginary friends, it makes me feel sad. MIL was an only child and she says that having no siblings was never a biggie to her until her father died and she was forced to deal with the estate and everything with nobody at all to help except FIL.

[Deleted]

In my head I always knew I wanted at least 2 but my first was just soooo perfect & my everything I convinced myself that she was totally enough. I'd have been fine if she was it. Then I had TTTC #2 so it became a real possibility. But eventually I got pg again & it is honestly the best gift I have ever given DD1 was DD2. I see that now. She'd have been fine as an only I'm sure, but to my girls their sisters are their world. Adding #2 was rough for me because DD1 was a crazy toddler & DD2 was colicky so bad. I thought I would loose my mind. DD3 was a surprise & that 1st year was rough....like really rough. But she's DHs mini-me & I'm so crazy about her...so much so I'm having a Fourth kid. . I think any combination is fine& your child can be happy regardless...but there is something magical about my girls together. I am jealous of them & I had 4 siblings but none of the same sex remotely close in age to me.

[jhawks482]

Jan 15, 2013 16:02:50 GMT -5 L said:

In my head I always knew I wanted at least 2 but my first was just soooo perfect & my everything I convinced myself that she was totally enough. I'd have been fine if she was it. Then I had TTTC #2 so it became a real possibility. But eventually I got pg again & it is honestly the best gift I have ever given DD1 was DD2. I see that now. She'd have been fine as an only I'm sure, but to my girls their sisters are their world. Adding #2 was rough for me because DD1 was a crazy toddler & DD2 was colicky so bad. I thought I would loose my mind. DD3 was a surprise & that 1st year was rough....like really rough. But she's DHs mini-me & I'm so crazy about her...so much so I'm having a Fourth kid. . I think any combination is fine& your child can be happy regardless...but their is something magical about my girls together. I am jealous of them & I had 4 siblings but none of the same sex remotely close in age to me.

I love this.

[thewop]

I'm not close with my siblings (even though my older brother and I are only 1.5 years apart, and my younger brother is 3 years younger), so that's probably why I don't see the significance of siblings. Maybe I subconsciously worry that I'll have kids that won't be close because I'm not close with mine.

[mrsemilys]

I'm right there with you Wop. DD is 19 months and after feeling like myself, getting a good routine, sleeping again, and generally feeling fulfilled with DD it's hard to think of another. I always thought I wanted 2 but I don't feel ready yet. We plan to TTC this spring/summer and even in the last month I feel more prepared than I did. I'm so scared to go back to feeling huge and uncomfortable and then not sleeping and dealing with a newborn but I know that we will when it feels right.

[bunnymendelbaum]

I wasn't ready when DD was 16 months, but I knew I always wanted more than 1. Give yourself some time.

It has only been 9 days, but I'm really happy now with my two girls. They are 34 months apart.

I'm one of 4, I had a super fun childhood with my siblings and we are still very close. I always said I wanted at least 3. DH only wanted 2 and my pregnancy was so awful that we are done.

[mrs.jacinthe]

I'm not a parent, but I AM an only. While there were times growing up that I would have loved having a brother or sister, it's not as bad as people would think. I was never lonely or sad about being an only, and in fact, quite enjoyed it. We weren't rich by any means and honestly, being an only meant that I could do things my parents couldn't have afforded if there were more than one of me. Not that I was spoiled, but more that I was able to do things the other kids were doing because the financial strain was less. The only downside is that when my parents (and R's too - he's also an only) die, I'll be solely responsible for cleaning out their house, etc. No one to share that burden with - well, except R. However, I'm trying NOT to borrow that trouble.

In short, if you should decide you're one and done, don't feel too bad about it.

[alf17]

My children are 13 years apart. I suffered from secondary infertility. I really have enjoyed both my only children. My daughter has two children 33 months apart. It is a wonderful spacing. My grandson loves his little sister and entertains her and makes her laugh like no one else can. She turned 7 months today.
They are the loves of our lives.

[candreco]

Ours our going to be a few months more than four years apart, and it works for us. It gave us time to reestablish a routine (I don't think I could have handled three straight years of everything constantly shifting), and it was/is great timing for me at work. DD is old enough to understand, and to be really excited and want to help. While I get wanting to get diapers, potty training, etc all out of the way at once, I'm glad that DD is already pretty independent and we won't have two kids that need full time attention all the time.

There are pros and cons to every spread of ages, and to every number of kids. Don't rush yourself, it'll be fine no matter how it ends up.

[TBM]

I think it is sort of like deciding when to have kids....if you wait for all of the planets to align and to have your world perfect, there will never be a right time. You have to decide what is best for your daughter and your family, and let that be your guide.

I am four and five years younger than my siblings, and it was kind of weird. My brother was ok, but my sister and I had nothing in common except sharing a room. We had very little to do with each other. We were never in the same school at the same time, and we weren't really friends until we were adults and both of us had kids. My brother looked out for me a lot and spent a lot of time taking care of me and playing with me, but he and my sister are closer in a very different way. I knew that I wanted my kids to be closer in age than that. They are not quite 2 !/2 years apart, and for the most part it worked out well. They have their issues, (unfortunately competitive personalities are strong on both my family and DHs), but they were best friends when they were kids and they still have a close bond.

I once saw a Dr on a talk show who was in his 30s, and married with a child. He said that he and his wife were planning to have more children, but that originally it didn't really make a difference to him, but he didn't understand why his wife was so insistent on more than one. His wife was from a large family and was close to her siblings, but it wasn't until his parents passed away that he started paying attention to the dynamic of siblings. He said he 'felt like an orphan', and had no one who truly understood how he felt, shared his memories and shared his loss. His wife was supportive, but he felt glad that she would never have to feel alone the way that he did.

We already had our two and were 'done', but his comments really made an impression on me, and now that my daughter's mil is facing the impending death of her mother and caring for her elderly father, I can see how difficult being an only child can be for the adult only child.

[emoflamingo]

To add to my statement earlier, I picked up a notepad off the floor -- just one of the many things Monkey leaves laying around -- and I turned it over to see if there was anything on the first page to rip it off and throw it out (he usually scribbles on it) but this one said "I luf lil Will." Seriously. My heart just kind of melted.

[narockshard]

I'm not a parent yet, but I wanted to add that I have 4 younger brothers and my husband is one of 6 and we LOVE our siblings and are close to all of them. We can't imagine life without them. We were both the first to get married and buy a house and the help that they have all given us has been invaluable. We are always there for each other. Thankfully I have the same close relationships with my BILs and SILs as I do with my own brothers and the same goes with my husband and my brothers. I realize we are soooo darn lucky!

We definitely want to end up with a big family