[quote author=awkward board=mm thread=122227 post=2057753 time= Just sharing my experience. Absolutely don let her keep doing the distructive behavior but its good that she's planning how to approach it and not acting on only emotions. I didn't explain my first post well. Her dd definitely needs help to deal with these behaviors. Sorry if you thought I was suggesting otherwise. I suppose I'm just a bad example of the result they don't want (ignoring counseling for years, etc.). I sincerely hope her dd is able to stop the self harm and not hide it to stop from getting help.
Peggy, I completely understood whe your advice was coming from. I am scared that 'turning her in' or forcing therapy would backfire. She is already so gokd at being secretive.
No offense to the school counselors a but depending on where you are, they can be good or basically curriculum advisors. Her behavior is not normal and I would get her a private psychiatrist who specializes in these issues, STAT. She may hate you now but will be thankful later. And get one for yourself. Tell her you are are really concerned about how she must be in so much pain to hurt herself and in addition to her being in therapy, YOU will get a therapist as well, to help understand and change behaviors that might make things so hard for her. And give her a hug.
You need a specialist here. Midnight and that other poster are making a lot of assumptions about your daughter that may or may not be true. Not helpful.
Assumptions about what? I said that is generally the cause and asked some questions. I did not say "your putting to much pressure on her, let he do whatever and she will be fine" or "its your families fault". I also said that cutting is not about suicide. That's not an assumption either...
I also suggested counseling, as others are. I simply said you cannot FORCE counseling, otherwise it will be wasted energy since you have to want help to get it, no matter your why you are there. For anyone who has never done it, it's VERY hard to understand. Its not the proudest time of my life for sure, but it gives me an angle that some won't be able to see it from. I think my angle is better/less scary then the person who suggested borderline personality disorder without even knowing the girl. FWIW, I have no lingering emotional issues, as once I decided to go to counseling, I figured out the root of my issues and was able to work through them.
OP, I agree that it would probably be good for you to seek counseling for yourself as well. I am sure this is a very emotional time for you and its good to talk to someone. As for talking to the school counselor, that's your call. As PP mentioned, some are good, and some are curriculum counselors who want to be more, and may not handle things in a productive manner. Just keep in mind that if you tell them and they get involved, it may be overwhelming for her with everyone finding out at once. You will also have no control over their approach, so they may come at it differently then what you think would be best for her as someone who knows her better. Either way, (})
To be clear: I am not suggesting using the counselor as a therapist but rather someone who can help you find someone who specializes in these issues.
The counselor (assuming here they do personal counseling in addition to academic advising) can also be helpful in checking in with the student and offering on campus support. DH sees a number of kids regularly who are in therapy and they often will go to him to process/problem solve if they're having a hard time navigating that particular day. This can be really helpful for some as its not always practical to get immediate help from an outside therapist.
I in now way was referring to your H. I am sure that he is doing a great job, and he sounds like a good guy from what you say. It's good to hear that there ARE schools who have people their students can really chat with. I was simply saying unless you know the counselor already, you run the risk of not knowing how they are.
I'm so sorry you and DD are going through this. I had some issues with eating and emotional issues around this same time growing up. I think going to a private counselor yourself is a very good first step. They should have advice about what to do. This could also be bringing up feelings for you that you might want to discuss with someone and that could be helpful for all of you. I'm sure you know this but things can backfire easily with teens, I was a great example of this. I hated the first therapist my parents forced me to go to and just got more secretive and eventually things got even worse. If your daughter finds out you went to her school about this she could very well be very embarrassed and become resentful of you and be more secretive, etc. I think it could be very valuable for your daughter to feel like you are "on her side" and not going around behind her back doing things.
This probably sounds like a very fine line to dance around, but that is what I would suggest. Find a therapist you can work with to start and then go from there based on what they suggest. Also, feel free to PM me if you'd appreciate any more insights. My parents and I have a lot of experience going down this road and I'd be happy to help.
And I'm also thinking about when I was a teen and even now, when I'm in crisis mode, sometimes what you really want just for a moment is a hug. So before you have to go into full on get things done mode tomorrow, can you give her a hug and some encouraging words before school?
I think about a few times when I was really struggling with something and my mom didn't know really what...but she would say "want to stop at McDonald's?" with a little smile in her eyes or "I got you this!" when she came from the store, a little treat (doesn't have to be food, it could be a shirt or a little necklace or something). Or even "I saw that XYZ you made, it looks great" or "I was just thinking about that soccer game last fall you were in--you did awesome, don't know if I ever told you that."
I know that's a bandaid to the situation, and that's not really advice, just that maybe something little would also help keep the bond strong and help her open up to you.
I don't come from a family of huggers and I can remember the times my mom hugged me just out of nowhere and I loved it.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this---being a teenager is always difficult and I'm so sorry she's struggling.
And I'm also thinking about when I was a teen and even now, when I'm in crisis mode, sometimes what you really want just for a moment is a hug. So before you have to go into full on get things done mode tomorrow, can you give her a hug and some encouraging words before school?
I think about a few times when I was really struggling with something and my mom didn't know really what...but she would say "want to stop at McDonald's?" with a little smile in her eyes or "I got you this!" when she came from the store, a little treat (doesn't have to be food, it could be a shirt or a little necklace or something). Or even "I saw that XYZ you made, it looks great" or "I was just thinking about that soccer game last fall you were in--you did awesome, don't know if I ever told you that."
I know that's a bandaid to the situation, and that's not really advice, just that maybe something little would also help keep the bond strong and help her open up to you.
I don't come from a family of huggers and I can remember the times my mom hugged me just out of nowhere and I loved it.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this---being a teenager is always difficult and I'm so sorry she's struggling.
Please do this.
When I had tough times in school my mom could tell, she always took me out to a movie or even just held me when we watched tv on a couch. To this day I am so close to my mom. If DH is working or busy and a need someone there my mom is holding my hand through anything.
Your daughter may open up more to you if you don't pry into her world. Just be there for her.
I think talking to a therapist about how to approach this is a really good idea.
When you do talk to DD, first tell her you love her and that she has not done anything wrong. Make sure she knows that you care about her and want her to be happy and healthy, and that's why you are going to get her help. I think the best arrangement might be an individual counselor for her and a family therapist for all of you, along with a psychiatrist.
14 is a rough age. The two big behaviors she's displaying - self harm and binge eating - are both ways of trying to manage overwhelming emotions. Be gentle and firm, and be sure to validate her feelings. Even if her feelings sound crazy to you (she feels overwhelmed by pressure, but you don't think you're pressuring her), just say I am sorry you are feeling that way. Don't argue that you are not pressuring her. That will make her feel rejected and the overwhelming feelings will escalate.
Good luck in finding your DD the help she needs. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I'm really sorry you guys are going through this. You sound like a caring mother who only wants the best for her daughter.
I have to admit, it's this kind of stuff that made me fear having a daughter instead of a son. I barely survived middle school/ high school myself. I'm not looking forward to reliving it in 10 years.
And I'm also thinking about when I was a teen and even now, when I'm in crisis mode, sometimes what you really want just for a moment is a hug. So before you have to go into full on get things done mode tomorrow, can you give her a hug and some encouraging words before school?
I think about a few times when I was really struggling with something and my mom didn't know really what...but she would say "want to stop at McDonald's?" with a little smile in her eyes or "I got you this!" when she came from the store, a little treat (doesn't have to be food, it could be a shirt or a little necklace or something). Or even "I saw that XYZ you made, it looks great" or "I was just thinking about that soccer game last fall you were in--you did awesome, don't know if I ever told you that."
I know that's a bandaid to the situation, and that's not really advice, just that maybe something little would also help keep the bond strong and help her open up to you.
I don't come from a family of huggers and I can remember the times my mom hugged me just out of nowhere and I loved it.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this---being a teenager is always difficult and I'm so sorry she's struggling.
Please do this.
When I had tough times in school my mom could tell, she always took me out to a movie or even just held me when we watched tv on a couch. To this day I am so close to my mom. If DH is working or busy and a need someone there my mom is holding my hand through anything.
Your daughter may open up more to you if you don't pry into her world. Just be there for her.
Agreed.
I really like the idea of bringing her a nonfood item just to show her you care. My mom used to give me cards sometimes just because and it always made my day. A card and a new lipgloss or necklace or nailpolish sounds like a great treat. I also, and flame away if you disagree, think a mental health day for the two of you together might be a good thing. It sounds like school is stressing her out so maybe letting her stay home on a Friday and using that time to talk to each other, maybe treat yourself to manicures and watch a movie could be great. And it definitely has a good chance of encouraging her to open up to you. Not a great idea if she isn't doing well in school, but if she is caught up and no major problems, I don't think it is a huge problem.
I'm going to ditto what everyone else says about counseling. We went through three counselors before we found one that SS got along with. It's not easy, but it was SO beneficial to find someone that he would actually talk to.
About the food--is your DD overweight? I ask because I used to do the same thing as she did--not because I had any emotional problem, but because I was HUNGRY. I was always active, and couple that with normal teenage caloric demands, I was ravenous all the time. When you need a lot of calories, all healthy stuff just doesn't cut it. Most if it isn't calorie dense. I would literally eat a dozen oranges and still be scrounging for food. As you know, there are a lot worse things she could eat than natural peanut butter.
I think a lot of people have provided helpful advice. As someone was depressed for most of her teen years, more than anything I think you and your H should calm down and then talk to her as a family. Don't pin thin on her as her problem, her fault. Show her that you're all in this together as a family. I think therapy for her, for you, and as a family is important. Show her that you're invested in the solution v. just sending her off to therapy. I'm not saying you would intentionally do that, but it's easy to fall into it.
I wouldn't address the eating problem now. It may be a result of her other issues and may be resolved once she's receiving treatment.
My cutting started in high school and I think it was handled poorly by my parents. Their response made me feel ashamed which is not what I needed at the time and like someone else posted it just made me hide it better. I think the things they did "wrong" were: I was pulled out of class by the school counselor. So my classmates saw and it became a thing at school as well as at home. Although most people didn't know the details there were lots of questions and speculation from my classmates. My mom checked my arms and such to see if I was still cutting. I can't put into words how demeaning that was. My parents walked on eggshells and treated me very differently for awhile. I think I would have felt better about it all if things had remained somewhat more "normal" at home. It was like everything I said was over analyzed and they were nervous to say the wrong thing. Instead of approaching it as concern for me they approached it more as an embarrassment for them and something completely horrific and strange. I understood that most people don't harm themselves but it seemed perfectly normal to me so their response made me feel even more weird and isolated.
So, I would avoid the things I mentioned above. I was hesitant to go to therapy but ended up really enjoying it. Finding the right therapist that your daughter can feel comfortable with will be important.
Post by jennistarr1 on Jan 16, 2013 9:41:57 GMT -5
I worked on an inpatient eating disorders unit and many of the patients engaged in self harm behaviors. To be frank, I think she likely needs inpatient treatment. If you PM me your location, I could reccomend some programs.
Post by midnightrae on Jan 16, 2013 9:48:41 GMT -5
She needs to see/talk to someone. I used to cut. Cutting and eating issues tend to go together because it is a control. When she feels things are out of her control and nothing is making her happy, she goes right to the control. Aside from that, is she willing to talk to you about it? If she is, don't yell at her for cutting but let her know you are concerned. Depending on what you say and how you say it, she could take it a different way and it can get worse. I hope everything gets better.
No offense to the school counselors a but depending on where you are, they can be good or basically curriculum advisors. Her behavior is not normal and I would get her a private psychiatrist who specializes in these issues, STAT. She may hate you now but will be thankful later. And get one for yourself. Tell her you are are really concerned about how she must be in so much pain to hurt herself and in addition to her being in therapy, YOU will get a therapist as well, to help understand and change behaviors that might make things so hard for her. And give her a hug.
You need a specialist here. Midnight and that other poster are making a lot of assumptions about your daughter that may or may not be true. Not helpful.
At first, I was like, "What?! I didn't even post anything yet" and then I noticed that there is another midnight on the board. Carry on.
Post by hellzkitten on Jan 16, 2013 9:58:38 GMT -5
As a former cutter/burner, I can tell you it is all about control. If you force her into therapy, it could potentially make things worse. My therapist insisted I needed to be put into a hospital & put on drugs... which would have made matters even worse.
You may or may not believe it, but YD is under a lot of stress - with school, with being on her best behavior, with living up to everyone else's expectations of her (perceived or otherwise). She feels out of control in every aspect of her life - except for when she is alone & can control the pain while she cuts... or binge eats junk but doesn't eat healthy dinners, since the food that goes into her mouth is also something she can control...She also may be eating the junk as a way to rebel.
I think you need to sit down & talk to her about her problems - sending her to a therapist without your taking an active role is almost like a cop-out to me. Maybe there is something in her life that she needs help gaining control over - maybe she feels that you &/or her teachers are being too hard on her. Find out the root of her problem (for most cutters it is control - I know for me it was).