Update to cousin situation

[crimsonandclover]

Since I unloaded on you all this past weekend, I thought I would give you an update.

I wasn't able to talk to Cousin alone for the 2 days they were here, but we went out with them both evenings. Outward appearances suggest she has forgiven him, and at dinner with the family (Cousin, her DH, me, DH, DD, and her and my parents) he was all smooshy-nuzzling her at the table and stuff. I had to look away to prevent myself from giving him a raised eyebrow. I'll probably be able to get more out of her in IM chats this next week, since we sometimes chat while she works (or, rather, while she is at work).

I'm pretty disgusted that she was allowing the affection. It made me want to shake her and say: He has cheated on you twice in the first 9 months you've been married (once when she caught him making out with another girl after they'd been drinking and the most recent incident where he apparently slept with his ex-GF). Do you really think anything's going to change? But alas, if she decides to give him another chance, there's not much I can do. And as many of you said, if I point out how horrible he's treating her, then I could easily be made into the bad guy.

Anyway, thank you all for listening and for your advice. I really do appreciate it and hope she kicks him to the curb in the very near future.

[Wanderista]

One of my long time friends is like this. I try to give my friend advice but she just keeps making bad choices (dating a physically abusive guy, basically stalking a guy after he broke up with her and threatening suicide to get him to "change his mind", and now dating a guy who she knows is also carrying on with at least 2 other women). I've definitely always tried to give her reasonable advice and when it came to the physically abusive guy, she actually listened to me but otherwise she usually just blows me off and then wants to cry later when things don't work out in these bad situations.

The bottomline is that women get into these relationships because of self-esteem and insecurity issues. Deep down, they tend to believe that it is what they deserve. A healthy person sees a guy treat her like that and even if she loves him, she sets boundaries for herself. I'm not blaming these women for what happens to them, that would be like blaming someone for having any other kinds of poor self-image.

I agree with everything others have said about the importance of being there for her as a presence, a voice of normalcy. It's like being the free press that sneaks into a dictatorship, you can give her perspective. But also, I would definitely say that you should try to see if there is a way that you can help her to feel good about herself. Encourage her to develop her interests outside of the relationship.

Maybe sometime you can try to talk to her about how she feels about herself or to compliment her or to send her small gifts or recommendations that might encourage her to develop a better self-image (whether that means going to a spa or yoga or to have her get a makeover or to take a class or do a sport that she's interested in - Groupons or LivingSocial coupons have a lot of stuff like this). Without knowing her, I can only say that very generally. Things like that might sound insignificant or may not make sense in the circumstance, but there is only so much that you can do without being her therapist.

Best of luck with it all, it's really hard to watch people that you care about and want the best for being treated like this. It's also hard having to realize that they don't recognize their own value as human beings. I hope that she is able to find peace eventually.

[CakeLover]

Good job on not unloading on him. The PDA at the table would have made me stabby. I guess right now all you can do is be supportive until she's ready to make a move. I think it's painful to watch anyone go through this and not want to swoop in and save the day.

I've watched SIL deal with her abusers infidelity almost year after year. It makes me want to kick him the nuts and break that thing!

[clickerish]

I'm sorry to say but this sort of thing is pretty normal. The average is 7 times. A woman leaves 7 times (partially) before she either leaves for good or dies. I wish it weren't the case for your cousin, though ;(

[americaninoz]

very sad - sounds like you handled it really well though!